Should I stop taking piano lessons? I've lost motivation and teacher problem.

[schnitzel]

Hello! I'm almost 19 years old and I play for four years on piano (And I used to play as a child). I'm currently learning Rachmaninoff's elegie and Prokofiev's Peter and the wolf (and also "boring" etudes etc). My dream was to become a pianist or composer (I don't have talent for composing - at least I think) and wanted to attend a music school. But there was one big problem - my current school (I study art - painting) and its hard to find time to practice to the level of attending a music school. But nevermind I won't go there. But since then (a year ago)  I've lost my motivation. I love classical music and jazz. I really enjoy it but I think I won't be ever good enough to play the greatest pieces I love. And there's another problem besides it. I feel so depresed after every lesson. My piano teacher has very bad health and broke her leg a half year ago, she has weak heart and sometimes needs to get some food from a market (so I help her, I'm a good person). I was trying to find her some new students but it failed (she offers private lessons and currently has just 6 students), she lives alone and has some financial problems. I feel like If I leave her I will broke her heart really hard (told me she treats me as her daughter). I don't enjoy the lessons,  I feel depressed because she tells me her problems and I can't tell her that I don't want to hear that and I feel I can't learn anything new. Today she called me on my phone If I can buy her some stuff online and sounded really sad. I just don't know how to help her. I feel bad about not enjoying the lessons because my mum pays it. And if I will find another piano teacher I will feel bad, because I know she needs money. What should I do? I know it's stupid to ask here on piano website if I should stop play piano. Maybe I'm trying to find motivation or someone is going to miraculously solve my problem.
Thank you for your opinions and excuse my English. I'm not native speaker.

[109natsu]

Hi schnitzel,

I am really sorry for your current situation, first of all.

I'd like to summarize the situation:

-Your piano teacher is ill, and is unable to live without you.
-You don't enjoy the piano lessons, because she relies on you too much.
-If you stay with her, then you will feel bad for your mother, and if you leave, you will feel bad for your teacher.

---

This is an incredibly difficult situation, and I can see your dilemma. I am not a psychologist, so I will not be able to give you the best opinions and advice...  but from a 3rd person point of view, I think you should leave and find a new teacher.
The reason being is, your main reason of taking piano lessons is because you want to learn piano. If you are not learning from piano lessons, then what is the point of taking them? She will feel bad about losing a student, but if she cannot do the job, then in my opinion, she should not be doing it because she is not doing the job, however taking the same amount of money. About your piano lessons, I strongly feel that you should get a new teacher, who you can be confident about.

That doesn't mean that you should leave your teacher. You can still take care of her. Buy fruits, whatever, if you have the time and effort. You can recommend her to go to charity organizations, and receive outside help. Leaving your teacher doesn't have to be not seeing her forever. Maybe ask her family. There is absolutely no reason you should be her caretaker if you don't want to do it.

As for the dilemma about money; you feel bad either way. If you stay, you feel bad for your mother, if you leave, you will feel bad for the teacher. However, if you leave, the money will be used more productively. So that's why I think you should leave your teacher and find a new teacher.

---

Again, my opinions are just opinions. Before doing anything, I suggest you listen to other people in this community as well. You can discuss this with your family too. I have never had a hard situation like this, and I hope you can come up with the best solution Always stay positive!

Natsu

[kuska]

I feel your pain. I think 109natsu has a point when s/he says to get a new teacher if the one your have isn't working for you.

HOWEVER.

I think there's no simple answer and it's more complicated as you're still young and learning life. Your empathy is precious. You're depressed because you are sorry for your teacher. You care about her and at the same time you can't deal with your feelings. You can't detach from her problems.

If you're anything like me, I used to have issues with teachers (not only piano). Like I could dislike somebody just because I liked my previous teacher very much and I couldn't accept a new one. Or I could judge them too soon and then I found a newspaper article and they turned out to be good pianinsts and from that moment my motivation suddenly rose and I became their best piano student.

My point is, if your teacher is bad, there's no need to stick to them. The other thing is if can you judge this on your own?

If they are good but you just don't get on too well, then you can also consider changing the teacher.

But I think the motivation thing is different. Motivation is inside you. Some teachers are natural leaders, that's true. They can boost your emotions and make you feel inspired. But most of them are just regular people and I think the sooner you realise you're responsible for your own emotions and motivation, the sooner you'll settle in life (not only in piano lessons)

If the only thing with your teacher is that you can't cope with your empathy, maybe it's better to seek somebody to help you with this problem than to change the teacher - as you don't sound really like you want to do it (am I wrong?). Also, you're already adult. I think you could try to talk with your teacher about the feelings you have. All the feelings. Or instead you could talk to her about her problems but in a more practical way. What you both can do to change the situation? Maybe she should go to youtube and promote herself? Or maybe she should go more to people for them to get her know? Whatever you decide, just do it gently and diplomatic

Finding students for her simply couldn't work. You didn't write how you was trying to do it but I guess just trying tell people into playing piano simly doesn't work like that. They just need to feel they want it, feel inspired or a particular teacher should be appealing to them. It'd be better to work with your teacher on her marketing skills instead.

I can't tell you what to do. Nobody will. At the end of the day, it's your decision and feelings. As to the motivation there's a bunch of methods to work on it. You can find it on the net. It's like try remembering why you wanted to learn piano, what is important to you, why do you want to learn it. Or you could try getting involved in a band activity. If you like jazz, you can start performing out in public, or make your youtube channel (I think sticking to it would also improve your self-esteem regarding piano if you'll just keep remembering that you don't play for a very long time). Just make a sense out of it

My fingers crossed.

PS you know, it's hard if anyone close to you is also your teacher. It's always been. But it's not impossible

[dorfmouse]

Dear schnitzel, I think it is impossible for you to decide whether you should continue piano while you are tangled in this emotional situation. You need time away from this teacher to evaluate what you want from music, and then probably go to someone else if you decide to continue.
She actually is abusing her position as a teacher, and as an older adult. (Am not saying she's doing it consciously or with evil intent, but her behaviour is manipulative.) You are not her daughter, she is taking money from your family and is not doing her job properly for you.
You are obviously kind and responsible, but it is not your responsibility to shoulder her emotional and financial burdens at the cost of your own health and happiness.
I think you really need to tell your mum exactly what's going on. Whereas I'm all for young adults learning to solve life's dilemmas independently, sometimes you need support. If you can't say clearly and firmly to your teacher that you need to take a break from music while you sort out your priorities, then maybe your mum could write a kind but firm letter terminating the arrangement.

[schnitzel]

First of all, thank you so much to you all. I'm thinking about it over and over again. I love music and I already accepted I won't be a concert pianist (that was just a naivne dream, whatever I love music and that's why I started taking piano lessons... ). Maybe I need little break from the lessons (I'm at last year of my school and literally morning till evening there, I'm going to apply for an art university and I need focus on my own work right now... And all those exams are exhaustive.)
I discussed this all with my mum. She told me she understands me how I feel and if I want we can give my teacher some extra money if I would feel better.. But she thinks my teacher has some financial support already. Who knows.

I know If I tell her I don't want to take lessons anymore I'm going to make her sad, so we decided to tell her that we just can't afford lessons anymore. I'll try to find her a new students through advertising on culture websites etc. and find her some charity if she really needs it. I'm sure she isn't bad person, maybe she just doesn't see how heartbreaking is to hear all this. I think it is because she lost her baby girl long time ago and clings on me. Yes, it is sad, but I can't stop enjoying life because someone has problems. And I feel like we pay for hearing those problems (to be fair, sometimes she asked me how my life is going and tried to comfort me when I had bad day. And definitely helped me to learn play piano. But I agree it's kind of manipulative when she tells me some stuff how much she will miss me and how I cant stop taking lessons etc.) And I'm not going to stay with her as a student forever. And I think I "sacrificed" plenty of free time for the lessons (no holidays, not seeing friends and family).
I should stop care about others too much and always keep on mind - I'm responsible for my own life -.

Well.... I'm definitely going to play on piano, but not taking lessons right know.. And then I'll try a new teacher and I will see how things will go.  And I'm not really happy about that, but also I'm not happy taking these lessons neither so I should "end" this relationship between us (but of course help her as a person).

[109natsu]

I feel your pain. I think 109natsu has a point when s/he says to get a new teacher if the one your have isn't working for you.

I am a he! FYI

First of all, thank you so much to you all. I'm thinking about it over and over again. I love music and I already accepted I won't be a concert pianist (that was just a naivne dream, whatever I love music and that's why I started taking piano lessons... ). Maybe I need little break from the lessons (I'm at last year of my school and literally morning till evening there, I'm going to apply for an art university and I need focus on my own work right now... And all those exams are exhaustive.)
I discussed this all with my mum. She told me she understands me how I feel and if I want we can give my teacher some extra money if I would feel better.. But she thinks my teacher has some financial support already. Who knows.

I know If I tell her I don't want to take lessons anymore I'm going to make her sad, so we decided to tell her that we just can't afford lessons anymore. I'll try to find her a new students through advertising on culture websites etc. and find her some charity if she really needs it. I'm sure she isn't bad person, maybe she just doesn't see how heartbreaking is to hear all this. I think it is because she lost her baby girl long time ago and clings on me. Yes, it is sad, but I can't stop enjoying life because someone has problems. And I feel like we pay for hearing those problems (to be fair, sometimes she asked me how my life is going and tried to comfort me when I had bad day. And definitely helped me to learn play piano. But I agree it's kind of manipulative when she tells me some stuff how much she will miss me and how I cant stop taking lessons etc.) And I'm not going to stay with her as a student forever. And I think I "sacrificed" plenty of free time for the lessons (no holidays, not seeing friends and family).
I should stop care about others too much and always keep on mind - I'm responsible for my own life -.

Well.... I'm definitely going to play on piano, but not taking lessons right know.. And then I'll try a new teacher and I will see how things will go.  And I'm not really happy about that, but also I'm not happy taking these lessons neither so I should "end" this relationship between us (but of course help her as a person).

Schnitzel,

I am really glad that you are making decisions. I hope you and your teacher can live a happy life

Natsu

[kuska]

grats I'm sure everything will be allright 

[bernadette60614]

It seems to me that your teacher is lonely and depressed and her circumstances are eroding your commitment to piano.

You're 19, you're not in the position in life to fix the life of someone considerably older than you with a deep range of issues.

What I would suggest:  Offer her a short list of practical things you can do for her, and then let it go.  Perhaps it would help her if you did her grocery shopping each week?  Took out her garbage?Cut her lawn?

You are not a therapist, a physician or a financial adviser.  You are a kind 19 year old, but you have to do what you can do...and let go of the fact that you can't do everything for her.

[schnitzel]

Hello! A small update. Thank you a lot for the replies! I'm almost 25 now and never lost my passion for music but I'm currently on my career path to become a 2D digital artist (I used to study painting). I though this might help someone who has same problem as I had.

If someone wants to hear a little backstory of this. I started taking piano lessons with her when I was 14 or 15. She did lost her daughter when she was pregnant and this was the root of her mental state. She treated me as her own daughter, cooked meals, was talking with me about boys etc. BUT was toxic and manipulating with me (if I will ever stop coming to her lessons she won't be able to afford to pay rent; she lied that she doesn't have a lot of students; how her landlord is violent to her - that was a lie, and more and more = this started when I was just 14). Funny how I thought how mature I am at 19 (I was still a little kid ) but I didn't have experience with this behaviour and I did trust her.

Anyway YOU'RE not responsible for life of other people. You can help them but not save them. Learn about toxic behaviour in people and cut them off.

I'm sad I don't have enough space for a piano in my apartment, but I will definitely get one once I move to a bigger one!

[skypert]

Very interesting to read the backstory of this and the update.  Really thoughtful community out there, however some people can take advantage.

Nice to see that you stuck with the piano