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Topic: Feeling anxious and lost  (Read 1582 times)

Offline ketzu

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Feeling anxious and lost
on: September 30, 2016, 02:55:46 AM
About me: I'm 25 and I'm not very happy with my life. I just dont seem to enjoy anything and doing all the  "things you gotta do" is just a huge bother for me even though I'm fairly successful and I never neglect my responsibilities.
But  music has always been something that helped me to distance myself from that dull reality I dont like. It let me experience all kinds of feelings that I'm not able to feel in everyday life, and even those which I'm not able to understand. Since I didnt have any sense of purpose I wanted to share something with other people - my ultimate goal as a human would be to make other people feel like I do when I'm able to sink into some emotional music or some visual narrative enchanced with a great pieces. So I began my journey, first I tried electric guitar, but the fact I couldnt produce anything "full" alone was discouraging and due to shyness I wasnt able to form a band. I always liked piano so when I got a job and finally could afford one I started playing. Here I am - I've been playing for 1,5 year now and I'm not really sure what should I do.



I had a teacher, but the problem is the lessons were hell for me - I ended up all tensed and holding breath while playing. Normally I'm able to fake confidence and stuff but playing is just too intimate for me and I have great difficulty doing it in front of someone. Maybe it would be easier if I had skill to show off but then I wouldnt need teacher in the first place.
The fact that she didnt seem to have any idea how to guide me and was being very vague about everything didnt help - I noticed that people in my area prefer to teach children and when I found someone willing to teach adult it seemed like I've been asking too many difficult questions.



Generally I play ~2 hours a day, sometimes more when I'm able to. (but sometimes I need to take a break completely due to workload on university). Here are some of my doubts:



Repertoire - I generally play things that I like - stuff like music from movies, anime, games.
I also like some classical pieces, but I heard many people saying "dont go for classical too fast, you'll just end up butchering it!". Generally I dont know if things that I play will help me improve and if you have some suggestions I'm willing to try other stuff (even if I dont like it too much) if it can make me a better player.



Expressiveness - I have hard time working the sound - sure, I can play some notes louder or more quiet, but I'm unable to produce full meaningfull sound that I admire. You could say that I'm too absorbed with hitting the right notes instead of playing music.



Exercises - I'm not doing any and this is probably bad. The problem is I dont really know which are suitable for me, for how long a day should I do them and how to see if they help me make any progress.



Thought process - my greatest concern - sometimes I'm just afraid that my aproach is all wrong and I cant get good the way I'm playing:
- When I'm looking at different keys I cant "hear" a sound they produce, its more like I memorize sequences of keys I need to play and I know what I want to hear and when I make a mistake, but it somehow feels like muscle memory training and checking if it matches melody in my head.
- I pratice hands separately but when I play them together its like I play melody and make rythm match it. Should both hands be played separately and just "happen" to create a piece together, or is such a "fixing" a good thing? The thing that if wanted to suddenly stop playing with one hand I probably wouldnt be able to continue with the other. Also I have a feeling that the way I play one hand affects the other.
- Playing "freely" - when I read score I dont really pay attention to anything but the pitch - I remember melody so I dont need rythm values (I may be that way because of using many guitar tabs in the past)
- I tend to memorize pieces, practice them until I'm either satisfied or I think I cant make it any better the way I am now and then move one to something new, usually forgetting the older ones. Is there something wrong with my memory?



I'd like to learn how to play the way that can move other people, I'd also like to someday, create something of my own, but I dont even know where to start (probably theory, but what exactly?)
Playing around randomly doesnt seem to work, I mean I'm able to come up with some really simple melodies, but I have no idea how to add rythm and make it interesting.


I know I'm playing a losing game starting this late and that my wishes probably wont come true, but I decided that I need to do everything I can so at least I wont end up full of regrets and even more bitter.

If you can suggest some books, articles, anything that could help me with my problems I would be glad to check it out.


I attached the record I made for my teacher around end of march (after 1 year).


Sorry for this super long post but I felt need to share my anxiety.

Offline outin

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Re: Feeling anxious and lost
Reply #1 on: September 30, 2016, 04:31:46 AM

Expressiveness - I have hard time working the sound - sure, I can play some notes louder or more quiet, but I'm unable to produce full meaningfull sound that I admire. You could say that I'm too absorbed with hitting the right notes instead of playing music.

Exercises - I'm not doing any and this is probably bad. The problem is I dont really know which are suitable for me, for how long a day should I do them and how to see if they help me make any progress.


Thought process - my greatest concern - sometimes I'm just afraid that my aproach is all wrong and I cant get good the way I'm playing:
- When I'm looking at different keys I cant "hear" a sound they produce, its more like I memorize sequences of keys I need to play and I know what I want to hear and when I make a mistake, but it somehow feels like muscle memory training and checking if it matches melody in my head.
- I pratice hands separately but when I play them together its like I play melody and make rythm match it. Should both hands be played separately and just "happen" to create a piece together, or is such a "fixing" a good thing? The thing that if wanted to suddenly stop playing with one hand I probably wouldnt be able to continue with the other. Also I have a feeling that the way I play one hand affects the other.
- Playing "freely" - when I read score I dont really pay attention to anything but the pitch - I remember melody so I dont need rythm values (I may be that way because of using many guitar tabs in the past)
- I tend to memorize pieces, practice them until I'm either satisfied or I think I cant make it any better the way I am now and then move one to something new, usually forgetting the older ones. Is there something wrong with my memory?


Just some random thoughts...

Thinking is often my worst enemy when playing. And definitely not something that's easy to fix.

Everything you write seems normal for someone playing for 1,5 years. And for those who have played much longer. It seems to take an enourmous time and plenty of practice to get to the stage where one doesn't have such worries. Expressiveness is the last thing to come after everything else is easy and that takes far more than 1,5 years. If you try to express yourself before you are comfortable with the piano, the movements and the music it just won't work. You might do some improvisation when you feel like relaxing and be emotional with the piano, but when learning the music, do keep your focus on all those little tasks and details you need to ingrain to your system.

If you really want to keep getting better I think you should try to find a teacher that you could gradually become comfortable with and who can actually help you. Teachers like that do exists. You must not try to show off to your teacher and you must try to be humble and at least try to do things his/her way. You don't always get it at once why, but time will open your eyes. Most of us play worse when someone is watching us like a hawk, but that is how you gradually learn to keep your anxiety in control. But it may take time.

Exercise can be wrothwhile if you do them right, but without a teacher you may just waste your time. Not everyone does them and still do fine.
By all means do learn classical if you are interested! I have never learned anything else, there's plenty that works for a beginner. Just don't try to learn Chopin etudes :)
Google for graded repertoire or look at the music section of this site. Start with the level/grade 1 stuff and build from there. Sheet music for much of classical repertoire is available freely here:
www.imslp.org
If something feels boring, look for something else. There are lots of pretty but easy pieces.

I started playing at 45, now 5 years after still fighting the battle, but already able to play some pretty neat stuff decently on a good day...So no, you did not really start that late ;)

Offline ted

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Re: Feeling anxious and lost
Reply #2 on: September 30, 2016, 07:53:41 AM
It seems to me that you have some pretty solid ideals, noble ones in fact, of the sort shared by all artists, about what music should mean to you and how it might fit into your life. Most of your frustrations appear to concern the technical details of actually getting it there. It cannot be done in five minutes and, as outin suggests, it may indeed necessitate hunting around for a more understanding teacher and cultivating the company of like-minded individuals.

Healthy concern and anxiety are two very different things. The former is constructive while the latter is just a destructive neurosis. Very few people know exactly where they are headed at your age, that much is quite normal. Provided the rest of your life has a reasonable degree of stability, you have all the time in the world to try many different musical directions and enjoy the lot; I did not find my own musical place until my mid-fifties.

I'll leave it to the trained players here to advise you about technique, pieces and so on because I am very much an outsider pianist and my way is not normal. However, I can see nothing at all wrong with your musical ideals. If you didn't get discouraged once in a while you probably wouldn't be any good. Just use it constructively and drop the anxiety part.
"Mistakes are the portals of discovery." - James Joyce

Offline irrational

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Re: Feeling anxious and lost
Reply #3 on: September 30, 2016, 10:14:32 AM
Having skimmed through the post, I think you suffer from what I call "a fear to do wrong".
Some points from my own (I also suffer from this effect of course, even in my 40s and I started at 37)

1: You are 25 and still trying to find your fit in life. It goes with a lot of uncertainty. Trust me on this. It will improve. But it may take 10 years or 50. Just live them. Its what makes you better in the end and defines your uniqueness.

2: You are worried that you make mistakes and others will judge you on that. In my experience, even though it may not help much to know it, is to realise that for the most part other people don't care. If it seems they do, its a fleeting thing and they'll forget about it tomorrow. They'll just remember that guy that played beautiful piano once as a story to tell their friends.

3: Unfortunately very few people will be really emotionally with you when you do something. I find I care less about others and just get immersed in my own music. According to my teacher, your immersion will most certainly shine through in your music so others will experience a glimpse of it. So if you are deeply engrossed in your own music making, drawing in the audience will happen in any case. Of course skill and knowledge can help you achieve this and that will come with experience.

4: As for lack of confidence in your skill. You have barely started playing. And there are people that love music and piano (like the person I bought my piano from) that can't hear when 3 notes are false, 1 is vibrating the piano and when I make a mistake in Bach's prelude in C. And also can't play different fingers on the left and right hand simultaneously. Skill is relative and your acknowledgement of that should be a drive to improve that. After 6 years I am only now discovering a disturbing lack in skill because the works I play now suddenly demand new things! But I can easily hear the improvements in pieces I only played a year ago.

5: Starting late is no problem. Just realise it will take YEARS or even the rest of your life to attain shifting goals.

6: It sounds like your teacher was not right for you. Teaching adults is harder because we have questions and think differently. But a good teacher will guide you to achieve your goals. And they'll know it takes years and how to build towards that. I'd also go for a much older teacher that had experience in teaching as well as playing at high level. My teacher is around 70 years old. I would definitely find a good teacher though. They know things. 8)

7: Your memory is just fine. I am the same. Its a little liability as I memorise very fast. But that's the tool I have and my brain will use it. I do forget older things for sure. But I think you'll find you think you know a piece but you don't really. I've been at the point where I can rewrite a piece from memory and after playing my teacher says. "It's ok you don't really know the piece yet." And I agree. There are many fine nuances that you don't think about unless you play a work for a really long time.

8: Your issues with expressiveness and thought processes are pretty spot on for me too. One word. "Experience". It gets better but you have to work at it. Its common to judge yourself on what you hear out there. But the pianists you are listening to generally have been playing for 20 years or more and its a job. Being 25 and winning competitions is fine, but starting at 5 years old means 20 years of hard daily training. You have far to go and the issues are not unique to you.

9: Rhythm. Bach. You can easily tap your foot to the rhythms as they are so clear in the music. They are often dances after all.
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