Some questions from an adult learner...

[29hooves]

I'm 29F and mum recently and tragically passed away a few months ago, leaving me with the family heirloom, a huge and aged grand piano with unknown origins dating back to my great gran. My mum was a piano teacher though played the organ regularly for church, without being religious at all but loving the community. Growing up never forced me to play throughout my teenage years. As she was sick she urged me to learn and as a surprise to make her happy bought an 88 key digital keyboard so I could sit by her bedside. She taught as much as she could but I think she just enjoyed watching me learn, even horribly. She was unable to play which was heartbreaking for me to know I would never hear her play again. Her favourite music to play were the Welsh hymns, running back to her childhood. I booked a piano instructor and had to cancel last minute as was a bit overwhelmed. It felt like a betrayal, as stupid as that might sound, to be taught by someone else. She learned from her mother who learned from her mother... To have wasted all those years when I could have been learning from her about her greatest passion. I even remember my gran teaching me as a very young child and putting letters on the keys for me... So right now I've just decided to not rush things and try to continue my learning alone. I'm rambling and sorry if this is too long for some people. I will add that I am getting therapy to help with the mourning process.

My strength is my ability to read sheet music and that's about it really: READING. My mum always put a lot of emphasis in "learning the language" properly and she would write out some very basic music and put it in front of me to play without warning, both hands. She drew for me the music wheel and taught me how to use it at a basic level. How the chords can be found within the scales and how to identify the key. She would also put symbols on flash cards and would endlessly test me. So I can read sheet music pretty good now. About the terminology and the difference between staccato and legato. But that's where it ends. I can read it and know the TECHNICAL use of that symbol/combination and the command of play more like a dictionary. At very slow (I mean slow), snail speed I can "play" a piece and mostly get notes correct even remembering the key for the most part. She always told me that was half the battle. That the rest is to focus on timing and rhythm and gradually speed it up. That correct was the most important thing than going fast and sloppy. I know things but I feel I do not properly understand them.

I have no timing even with a metronome. I have no ear, either. I'm not saying I'm tone deaf just that I do not recognise anything yet. I think she was asking a lot for me to be able to say a chord just by ear though she knew she didn't have much time. I certainly cannot tell you a note off by ear. She also demanded that I learn all the scales and chords by heart with different speeds and pressures. I learned from her about the existence of the melodic scale. I only know a few majors and minors and it does take me a few minutes to work out the chords and whatnot.

The books I looked through that she used for her students I noticed I am able to play some of the easier grade 3 pieces (not that it makes me grade 3). But my timing still bothers me a lot. Even with a metronome I am like a bull in a china shop. I have not even touched the pedal once.

So what now? I feel like this process is deeply personal. Now she is gone there is a void and I would like to use the time I used by her bedside to practice. I could do more but I think it wise to stick to something realistic for my situation. It is so hard to not just be able to go to her and ask "what next?" and yet I cannot bear just sitting there and not having a plan.

Again I am sorry for this essay. I find it funny how I do not express this to friends and what is left of my small family. Maybe no one will even read this. But this above all things feels so much easier to share with you whoever you are. Maybe the anonymity of it. All I know now is that since her passing I have the strangest feeling when playing and listening to music, piano in particular, of course. It's a strong feeling of almost being able to taste and smell the music? Every press of a key sounds just so rich. I have no idea if that makes sense. I feel very present, until I jar myself into reality. My mum used to say playing was like opening a portal to another world, especially when you get it right. I have no idea, I used to think she was crazy.

Should I learn scales by heart and of course PLAY them?
Should I learn how to form chords from a scale by heart?
How many pieces should I focus on learning?
How and when should I introduce the pedal?
Any suggestions regarding timing?

[Bob]

Learn scales and chords?  Yes.
Pieces?  However many you can manage.
Pedal?  As soon as you can handle it.  Or not.  Yes, use it.
Timing?  Play a simple piece, in time.  Don't stop.  Work on several piece, always in time.  Tap/move to music.  Make sure you can keep a steady beat.    If you can't, that's a problem.  Learn how to keep a steady beat.

I just glanced over the post.

Look up synethesia.

(Actually a bull in a china shop is pretty nimble.  Check out Mythbusters.)


Scales and chords?  Learn two octaves.  Then four.  Then four paralle, contrary, etc.  It's like the alphabet.

Focus on actually playing the music.

I'd watch out for being hooked on piano as mother connection.  Music is its own thing.

[dorfmouse]

I would gently advise that you leave the piano issue aside for maybe quite some time. Give yourself time to work through the grief, the ramifications of which none of us are prepared for until the shocking event. You need to work out what you want in your life and to accept that as child it was not, and is not now, your responsibilty to fulfill your mum's dreams and expectations. Grieving is a long separation process, part of which is learning that it's OK not to want the same things as our loved one.

Learning the piano is difficult at the best of times. It's hard enough as adults to cope with our own frustrations and unreasonable expectations, let alone having to experience learning as some sort of
legacy that we have to fulfil. Maybe piano wasn't your thing as a teenager, maybe it could become your passion, maybe it never will and other things will fill the void. It's all OK.

If you do decide to learn, for yourself and because the itch is there and won't go away, I would suggest going with a teacher rather than flail around the self learning route. From what you describe it seems to me that you'd always be bogged down thinking what would mum have done, how would she teach it, what would she think ... put yourself in the hands of a detached expert, who will guide you through the missing bits and pace you properly. This must be when you are ready and when you don't experience it as some sort of betrayal to your mum. No wonder you didn't manage to go the first time.

All the very best. It will get better x

[bronnestam]

I would gently advise that you leave the piano issue aside for maybe quite some time. Give yourself time to work through the grief, the ramifications of which none of us are prepared for until the shocking event. You need to work out what you want in your life and to accept that as child it was not, and is not now, your responsibilty to fulfill your mum's dreams and expectations. Grieving is a long separation process, part of which is learning that it's OK not to want the same things as our loved one.

Learning the piano is difficult at the best of times. It's hard enough as adults to cope with our own frustrations and unreasonable expectations, let alone having to experience learning as some sort of
legacy that we have to fulfil. Maybe piano wasn't your thing as a teenager, maybe it could become your passion, maybe it never will and other things will fill the void. It's all OK.

If you do decide to learn, for yourself and because the itch is there and won't go away, I would suggest going with a teacher rather than flail around the self learning route. From what you describe it seems to me that you'd always be bogged down thinking what would mum have done, how would she teach it, what would she think ... put yourself in the hands of a detached expert, who will guide you through the missing bits and pace you properly. This must be when you are ready and when you don't experience it as some sort of betrayal to your mum. No wonder you didn't manage to go the first time.

All the very best. It will get better x

I think these were wise and lovely words and I agree completely.

To the OP - I read your whole post carefully. Yes, you must detach your piano playing from your grief. If you start to practice for real, it should be because you like to play the piano, because you feel good when you do it, because you simply love your piano and piano music and the process of learning. If you decide to go for it, I strongly recommend that you use a teacher and/or join some kind of piano community (if you are lucky enough to have access to one). Also attend concerts and other piano activities. The interaction with other human beings will help you. I know that when you sit alone in your home with your piano and your head filled with trouble and stirred up emotions, you will soon integrate these thoughts and feelings with this activity, piano playing. So whenever you sit down at the piano, you will slip into the same thought patterns, it will literally be like pushing a button ... And that is quite awful if these thought patterns are negative.

On the other hand, if you learn to forget all about your troubles when you play the piano, when you get totally immensed in the fascinating process of learning and playing, the piano will become your friend and your sanctuary. So this is why other people, who don't share your sad thoughts, will help you.

I know this, because it has happened to me as well. Two years ago I went to a piano summer school. After some days I got the sad message from home that my dog, my best friend in this world, had passed away. All his life I had been aware that I one day must bring him to the vet and say farewell, and I had known that this was my responsibility, of course I would not let him pass away without me being there and hugging him goodbye. And now, when it finally happened, I was abroad so I could not be there for him after all. Well, he was taken care of, maybe it was even his choice to let go when his beloved "Mum" was away - he was a saint, you know, the kindest creature that has ever walked this earth, although he was "just a dog" for the rest of you ...

So I spent that day crying a river, literally. But I also had my scheduled lesson. I stumbled into the lesson room, in tears, and sobbed to my teacher that my dog was dead and that I felt incapable of playing. I asked him to play for me instead, and so he did - something wonderful by Brahms, and of course I wept even more. Then we started to talk about Beethoven, my favourite, and about the emotions and depths in the Appassionata, my favourite piano work. After a while we were working with this sonata. I cannot play the first movement at all so we did a first walk-through of the first page and after that I played some other things by Beethoven. And I played really well, I think. Then the lesson hour was over and I went away. Suddenly it occurred to me that I had completely forgotten all about my dog and my grief during this time, I had been totally immensed by Beethoven and his music. One hour when I did not have to suffer. (Then I kept on crying for a while, but it felt better, I felt stronger.)

The same story this year, unfortunately. Now it is not about my dog, but about my son who is in deep trouble. He is not dead - not yet, but he is a horrible mental shape and these troubles threaten to destroy our whole family. I am the one who has to carry the burden, because I am the strongest one at the moment. How do I find this strength? By playing the piano. It gives me a wonderful opportunity to forget all my problems for a little while, when I instead try to find the right feeling in a single phrase or work diligently with a certain technical issue. For me, the piano is NOT the place where I dwell over my personal problems, it is my oasis where I can get detached from all these things. Without it, I would not be capable of supporting my family.

With all my heart I wish you can be able to use the piano in a similar way. Or maybe you have some other interest that allows you to detach and relax for a while. Everything that makes you feel good again is good, and vice versa ... Grieving is difficult and it must take its time, but you will heal. Eventually you will. I wish you all the best.

[bernadette60614]

Is music calling to you or guilt?  

If music is calling to you, then listen...but you don't have to act upon that voice until you feel ready. Then, I would suggest accepting that learning piano is a lifelong process, and you will never be "done"...and that there is beauty in that.

As adult learners we are lucky to not have the demands of a degree, a performance, or parental expectations hanging us. We can have our own relationship on our terms with piano-and be open to the fact that that relationship and terms can change over time.

[indianajo]

I hope you find this inheritance of a piano encourages you to grow in a hobby that runs deep in your family history.  Welsh hymns, what a background.  My family came out of the woods (hunters/woodsmen/teamsters) into a coal mine camp about 1900, joined Church of Christ which is anti-instruments, then about 1930 in a brief bit of affluance bought a piano.  A really bad upright piano.  Music was something heard on the radio until Mother bought herself a good console piano and some piano lessons with her WWII overtime savings.  
Then she bought me some piano lessons age 8 to overcome a hand injury, and I was pretty good at it.  Its a great hobby.  I can do these things myself, I don't need a record/tape/CD player/radio every minute.  In my retirement I've found over a dozen people who appreciate my playing, as long as I play what they expect, low church hymns. They allow me to play commercial Christmas music on Christmas eve too, as long as I start with the traditional hymns first.  
I hope you find some way to communicate with your music, too.  
Specifics questions? scales are great coordination training, supplemented by technical exercises as Alois Schmitt (I did for 2 years) then Edna Mae Berman (I did for 5 years) (alternative Hanon) then Czerny exercises (I did for 2 years).  The point of these exercises is not in the book, you have to have a teacher to teach you the technical tricks that make them possible.  
Hearing chords and how they relate to melody? My teacher wasn't any good at that, I asked for help, she thought pop standards were silly wastes of time.  I've just started learning chord by hearing in my sixties, mainly by backing into that from "Teach yourself to play guitar", because guitar is all about chords etc.    Hope you find a teacher that is more balenced.
Also, there are many bad habits that self taught pianists can get into that can waste time, or possibly injure with repetitive motions of the wrong kind.  Find a teacher that guide you through the technics, and also find repretoire that can inspire you, as mine was good at.  
How many pieces? No more than half a dozen, and in a certain graded sequence I hope.  I used John W. Schaum, sage of the fifties.  There are many other graded series of instruction books, you might find some at a piano store in a big city (piano is declining in popularity I suppose you've noticed.)
When to use the pedal? When the graded pieces start to have pedal markings at the bottom of them.  
So enjoy the hobby, not just because of the inherited instrument, but because you really love music.  If not, (my brother has no taste for music) don't worry that you turned out differently.  You are who you are.  Be the best you that you can be, and that includes a little creation of some sort of art I hope.  Maybe your art can be piano playing.  I passed my Mother at piano playing about age 11. Her great art passion turn out to be knitting and bargello.