I feel strange (vent??)

[aprilshowers]

I don't know how to explain it. But overall I feel like I'm a failure of a pianist. I'm not trying to to be overdramatic or anything 😭 this is just how I genuinely feel. Everytime I play I feel like it doesn't sound good jo matter how long I practice. I feel like it's not good enough and it makes me sad. My teacher wants me to take the CM exam again next year but I'm so scared because I can barely recite my pieces in front of her and it's been about 1 year since I've been her student. I love music but I feel nothing but sadness when I play. I feel no joy anymore, only when my teacher praises me and that's it. That's the only time I'm happy with my music because she's so talented and she is always honest with me. My friends and family say in very talented and they love my playing but I know they don't really understand because they can't hear all the small but very important things that are missing (? Hope I explained that right) idk if I want to keep playing piano?? I love it so much and I'm still only a beginner (lvl 2 going on 3) but i feel like I'm going nowhere and will never live up to my expectations. I really don't know what to do music is the only thing that makes me happy but now all it does is stress me out

[bwl_13]

What are your motivations for playing? If it's a love of music, then you are making this far too much about yourself. I've had periods (albeit fairly short ones) where I've felt discouraged as a pianist. However, when I am humble and forget myself, then I can appreciate the music and playing. Not to say that you shouldn't focus on details and work hard to improve, but something like

My friends and family say in very talented and they love my playing but I know they don't really understand because they can't hear all the small but very important things that are missing

shows me that you're focusing on yourself too much. Why do you want to perform, play etc? I personally want to share what I've been exploring, both as a pianist and as an individual. My main motivation for studying piano is this exploration of ideas.

There also could be a bit of imposter syndrome, when you start playing and realize how deep the world of performance really is and how many nuances one can explore. At first you're just excited to play, but as time goes on your learn more and realize how much there is to consider. Rather than being intimidated by this, go easy on yourself and let yourself explore the depths at your own pace. Let these possibilities inspire you. Even if it's something simple, like slightly reworking the voicing of a passage or maybe reconsidering some rubato, it all adds up to build the piece. As musicians, we aren't working on these minute details to show other musicians how hard working we are. Regardless of whether it goes consciously noticed or not, we are attempting to realize something. Ironically, we will never reach our goal, but we keep pushing.