New here, mature student from Canada dealing with teacher breakup

[geopianoincanada]

Hello from Canada.

I'm a mature student in my mid 50s who has been working hard in the little time I have daily towards practice. I restarted piano lessons without any great sense of direction back in the fall of 2018 with an entry level Yamaha keyboard. I had previously started piano lessons 20 years earlier but had to halt for financial reasons and it was all an uphill grind to restart.

I tried to “wing it” on my own but soon found I was stumbling and fumbling so I went to a local music shop and inquired about hiring a teacher to come to my home.

The teacher I was supposed to get couldn't make it so she referred me to another young teacher who was still a student herself in her late 20s. But what a blessing she was! Pure sheer genius on every level imaginable!

In our 4 years together she brought me from not even knowing how to play scales to RCM level 2 Etudes (with an occasional level 4 piece thrown in for fun) and sight reading with a small bit of confidence with these slow old eyes. I now practice on a Roland LX-7 and I love it!

Abruptly in early May she has suddenly announced that she is closing up her practice as of the last week of May for all of her students (she would visit the students homes), take up another line of work and relocate across Canada from Ontario to BC.

The news hit me like a bombshell to the chest. At my age it’s not a welcome feeling to feel that way. I felt absolutely devastated. There was no hint of a warning of this.

For two days I kept the blinds shuttered in my little music room/converted bedroom. It felt like someone died. I couldn’t approach the piano at all. The second guessing of myself, did I say something wrong to her? Or not say the right thing? Did I smell bad? The lack of closure and the endless wondering “Why”

Was it a money problem? If so I'll triple her fee or more, I'll put her on salary but please don't leave! I've come so far with your help, now you're suddenly abandoning me?

Apparently I was not alone in my shock and a lot of other students had similar concerns. On the second last lesson (my lessons were once a week for an hour) she finally expressed that moving across Canada to live in BC was a lifelong dream.

She explained that the virus lockdowns showed her she needed more diverse income and only recently did things work out for her so she could put her dream into reality, she plans to continue her piano lessons but also do other things to support herself.

It is over a month past now. I’m still carrying the deep pitted feeling of grief. But I have resumed my piano lessons. Temporarily I’ve hired another local substitute teacher just for a few weeks to get me started on a few pieces and to review Etudes I’ve previously learned but put aside.

I’m taking my wife and going on a month’s camping trip up north next month to clear my head but plan to bring my small Yamaha to keep up on practice before deciding on what to do next, whether to hire another at-home teacher or pursue in-class lessons (which is tricky as my wife is disabled and can't be left home alone so I have a very limited window of time available which is when my wife's nurse arrives once a week).

My biggest struggles are with sight reading and getting the piece into my brain correctly so getting an accurate start is important for me. I know enough now to realize just how important having a good teacher is. Finding someone who is really good, that’s a tough part.

My question? How long does the pain and ache of grieving the loss of your most brilliant guiding light and shining star of a first teacher last? I didn’t expect to feel anything at all but I’ve even lost sleep over this. At my age yet! I’m no spring chicken.

I don’t want to feel like this ever again, to have developed over such a time period such a tremendously deep bond only to have it amputated away without anesthetic.

Thanks,
geo

[lostinidlewonder]

I've been a teacher of piano for close to 3 decades and have had students who were with a joy to teach and be friends with. Nothing however is forever and there is a time limit for relationships we have. One of my students I've taught for 25 odd years, some currently are 10+ years, but I
am always open to never seeing them again. Their life doesn't revolve around me and mine not around theirs. Our time together will be what it will be. I've had students I've taught for many years all of a sudden quit lessons some even have done that in sms! I'm not upset about it and instead am looking forward to new people I will meet to fill that gap.

There are always new people to meet and unexpected surprises. It is good to have a new teacher you never know what new ideas you will learn from them that your previous teacher didn't offer. I do realise that with many of my students there is a friendship, we talk about many things outside of piano and we share meals together or special occasions etc. It can feel traumatic if people leave you, you can feel a sense of abandonment which can be exacerbated by past experiences.

Just try your best to move on, you found a great teacher once who made you realise what you enjoyed about lessons, that gift will not leave you when you search for another teacher, they may not match your past teacher but certainly they will be something different and you can sense the good fruits of teaching they may provide.

[brogers70]

Finding a good piano teacher is not easy; finding a great one you really click with is even harder. So it's totally understandable to be quite broken up about losing her. Still, no great piano teacher would want your relationship to music to be so dependent upon him or her that their moving on to something else would ruin everything for you. It may seem strange, but maybe the best place to look for advice is advice for people whose therapist has moved or retired. It's somewhat similar, a professional relationship that can take on a highly intense and personal cast for the student/client. In any case, it's not surprising that you are upset by it.

[geopianoincanada]

What “lostinidlewonder” said almost exactly copies what my teacher said, she put things as eloquently as she could.

I struggle with PTSD for over 12 years. The loss of my teacher brings back the same emotions as when my wife was in the hospital over 12 years ago, the doctors didn’t give her any chance of survival and they were actually standing by in case she passed so they could get her organs while they were still warm. If that doesn’t stir up feelings I don’t know what will. You never get over that, it becomes burned into you.

This abrupt and unexpected loss of my teacher brings back exactly the same emotion for me as facing the loss of my beloved wife. Fortunately my wife did survive but with life changing permanent health issues.

I’ve offered my teacher a full time job helping me take care of my wife if she finds that her dream out west doesn’t work out and she needs to return back home. My wife who is highly vulnerable loves and trusts her first and foremost, this is crucial for anyone who enters our home. She declined.

Of course a big fear is that my teacher, with her powerful work ethic and intelligence, will be completely successful and then the chances of her ever returning feel like zero or worse.

[julill]

Understand you so good. But you should continue playing piano because of your favorite teacher. You should continue to study, it would be very nice for her to know that she gave you a great support. Is it possible to communicate with her? You could show her your progress

[geopianoincanada]

Julill - keeping in touch with her IS the problem.

At the best of times she is notorious for not answering electronic communications for a long time, sometimes for weeks.

Lately though since announcing her decision to move she seems to have cut herself off completely from emails and texts.

I did manage to speak with her father on the phone. He phoned me from his office and he seems like a good guy. I’ve offered to take both of the parents out for a nice dinner on me at any restaurant of their choosing.

Hopefully we may try to arrange this when both of our schedules permit.

I very much wish to continue my piano studies. I was the raw clay when we met me and she, the teacher, molded me into the form and pattern I am now. Thought incomplete I’m pleased with the good work she has done with me and I wish to preserve it and culture it.

Another teacher may see fit to tear apart all she has given me, to reform me into a shape of their preference. I couldn’t bear that.

So finding someone who could fit in and help me carry on in a similar fashion, well this is the enormous difficulty. At my age I’m not so pliable, not so flexible anymore. I know my station and I’m happy to stay there.

My first teacher said she tried to find someone suitable to take over for all of her students since she had many more than just me. And at first she seemed enthusiastic and positive.

Her efforts were in vain. Anyone she thought she could call upon to assist either retired or isn’t teaching any longer.

She stated at our last lesson how it feels as though she is abandoning her students. Yes, sadly from this perspective  that is precisely what it feels like.

I’m not angry at her. My wife and I love her like a daughter. My wife’s nurse loves her like a daughter too. We will all miss her terribly.

[timothy42b]

This might be an ideal situation for Skype, Zoom, or whatever your teacher is willing to do.  I have the occasional lesson on Skype, and while not quite as good as in person they have been very productive.

This would keep you in touch wherever she is in the world.  You mentioned the communication difficulty but a regularly scheduled Skype lesson would solve that. 

[geopianoincanada]

During lockdown we tried a Skype lesson. It’s way too fiddly with lighting and microphone levels.

But for general purpose meeting, I do hope she will remember us here and try to keep in touch.

She will be out there in the wilderness without access to a piano. I made my own private arrangements for her benefit so she won’t face that. Her father phoned me and confirmed the address out there and I took care of the details.

It would be so nice to hear her play, she has such magnificent artistry, grace and fluidity.

But the ball is in her court now. I’m left hanging.

[keypeg]

Responding as a fellow Canuck and even more "mature" than you (pushing 70 in a few years) - The link below may help in a different way.  "Musical Fossils" was created by a teacher I think about 20 years ago when adult students were still a rarity and understood even more than now.  He was and is an advocate.  I encountered the site during a rough time about 15 years ago (and so was in fact close to your age.)  One of the things that astonished this teacher was how much lessons meant to us adults - how important the teacher is to us.  It was totally unexpected to him.  Like, isn't it more that the teacher is the student's servant so to say - how can we care so much?  When I found the site I shared it with a friend, a fellow student in another country and somewhat younger.  It made her cry in recognition: it it also brought tears to my eyes.   This may help - dunno.

EDIT:  This site keeps changing the http  to https and then I get a warning about an insecure site and someone called "Christine" - the site is not the one I want to get to.  In that case, get rid of the s - or use the link from PianoStreet's counterpart - which does track correctly. (join http manually after copying - the site is still changing it to https and the hacked site or whatever that is.

http   //www.musicalfossils.com/wpmf/what-i-learned-about-teaching-children-from-teaching-adults/

alternate way of getting there

https://forum.pianoworld.com/ubbthreads.php/topics/2513734/re-website-for-adult-piano-students-musical-fossils.html

[geopianoincanada]

Keypeg - did someone hide a tape recorder in my bedroom/music room for this link?

It’s like I’m watching an article about my own approach and experience so far!

And this one as well:

“You’re just losing one of your 50 students, it doesn’t mean much to you. I’m losing my one piano teacher. I have no other and I feel like crying.”

https://www.musicalfossils.com/wpmf/practicing-part-1-getting-there-chronic-practice-problems-leaving-a-teacher/

Many thanks!

[keypeg]

Keypeg - did someone hide a tape recorder in my bedroom/music room for this link?

It’s like I’m watching an article about my own approach and experience so far!

And this one as well:

“You’re just losing one of your 50 students, it doesn’t mean much to you. I’m losing my one piano teacher. I have no other and I feel like crying.”

Many thanks!

I've had that reaction more than once by fellow students, and ofc the first time it was me.

[keypeg]

Geopiano***  I sent a PM (private message)

[geopianoincanada]

Just to update. I am trying out a new teacher. She has an intimidating prodigious talent. Turbocharged.

It is very challenging to make the change. I feel like I have to start over from scratch to some degree in order to be able to “link up” and sync with this new teacher.

It’ll be some time before I have any meaningful updates.

Yes the absence of my first beloved teacher still stings deeply. There’s definitely a sense of abandonment I’m feeling.

Thanks for your support.

[lelle]

Glad to hear that you're seeing what new options you have. Dealing with loss can often be hard and I think all we can do is grieve and try to live our best life, as best we feel able. It doesn't matter that it's "just" a teacher-student relationship, if it matters to you, it matters to you.

[geopianoincanada]

lelle - I confess the intense emotions I experienced completely caught me off guard then. I know I'm Hungarian and Hungarian emotional currents run extremely deep and extremely strong. At my age now, 55, I didn't think I had any such emotions left.

After a lot of reflection and a lot of consideration, I've come to realize that this young piano teacher was teaching me something else. It took the shock of her abrupt absence for all of it to gel together.

Since I'm responsible to guard my wife and research all who enter our home out of regard for my wife's safety (she is a highly vulnerable person) I am required to research all I can about anyone and everyone who enters, whether they be a threat or not to my wife. Medical people especially I have to research even if they are properly vetted.

My first teacher, she comes from a religious family and her own faith is a powerful component of her life. This is what I uncovered in my research before she entered our house in 2018.

Only now do I understand in her own extremely subtle way my teacher's piano lessons were her own form of music ministry which she may or may not have developed on her own.

She never outwardly voiced it. She was in no way outwardly religious. But there is something in her manner and in her selections which leads to this path. Her choices and discipline were guided by something which is quite uncommon these days.

I found this to be very illuminating and nourishing.

She wasn't just an excellent piano teacher. She demonstrated so much more to me and it's going to take a lifetime for me to digest and understand it. She is in BC by now (I'm in Ontario). She is certainly missed.

I've invited her parents over for BBQ tomorrow. It will be nice to have some social time with them. Perhaps after meeting her parents then I'll have an increased understanding of who this young amazing teacher is and how she came to be who she is. And I hope to make new friends with her parents.

On the BBQ will be several boneless chicken thighs, honey garlic sausage, I'm steaming asparagus and making flavoured Basmati rice. Since my wife's disability I've become the chef in the family. It's simpler if I just do it as opposed to my wife trying and fumbling around with cookware and having to feed the fire department. She has enough to do just being alive.

[bernadette60614]

I understand.  One of my teachers described to me her life as a teacher.  She had 42 students (not all weekly), a mixture of kids and adults. She also practiced 5 hours a day, and got paying gigs whenever she could.  It really struck me how I, as a student, saw only a fraction of her life, and I didn't the continual stress she was under to pay rent, cover her medical insurance out of pocket.  It struck me how incredibly difficult the life of a teacher/musician is!  I'm glad you've found a new teacher.  A great teacher can make all the difference.

[geopianoincanada]

bernadette60614 - the BBQ went very well! Her parents are the sweetest couple I’ve ever met.

Turns out my piano teacher was holding back a little. She’s moving out west for health reasons to get into some drier air and a more temperate zone. Southern Ontario's humidity causes her problems.

Her parents were very understanding why I was shocked at what seemed to be her sudden departure which I now understand has been in the works for years. I was only given a relatively short amount of time to adjust compared to knowing 4 years ahead or more.

I’ve given her parents another open invitation to them for another BBQ. The chicken thighs and honey garlic sausages turned out great, we had leftovers for supper today.

Now I have to start from scratch rebuilding a relationship with this new turbocharged teacher. Such fun for an introvert. The new teacher has all of the “right stuff” but it’ll take some time for me to get comfortable and to adjust to how she operates.

In the meantime she and I had a session already and she assigned me work to accomplish while I’m up north.

Her details in her notes are somewhat lacking so I’ll try to remember what it was that she meant so when I return she can see if I’ve made any progress or not.

Piano lessons are truly a deep personal experience. They're not like anything I've ever dealt with before.