existential crises..

[beebebleuga]

I break a lot and am feeling very broken now.
Not sure how to explain, but I break every time I play badly (like mess up on the very basic aspects that should't have been a problem) in lessons. I know that my teacher is there to help me and stuff. But it makes me feel so guilty for having these unreasonable problems (I would say they are unreasonable for my level) bc I put a lot into practicing and sorting things out, but this happens in lessons every once in a while (and my teacher asks if its bc I am off that day but I don't believe in off days I think you either get it or don't?) And it breaks me more that I often end up not knowing why I was like that and why it was all good home or on other days.
And then I start doubting myself...
And I also get insomnia bc all I want to do is practice.
(It isn't that serious right? but I become very broken..)

Does this happen to everyone? What can I do/think to feel better or break less?

Thanks!

[brogers70]

I definitely believe in off days. I think everybody has them, even the greats. I know it's not very helpful to say, "don't let it bother you so much."  When I feel frustrated with how things are going (and even when I feel fine), I like to watch Ben Zander teaching music interpretation. In the video I'm linking, aside from it's just being a great example of teaching and loving music, he mentions one of the greats having an "off day." It's worth watching, and it may help you deal with the worries about "breaking."

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[jaquet]

I break a lot and am feeling very broken now.
Not sure how to explain, but I break every time I play badly (like mess up on the very basic aspects that should't have been a problem) in lessons. I know that my teacher is there to help me and stuff. But it makes me feel so guilty for having these unreasonable problems (I would say they are unreasonable for my level) bc I put a lot into practicing and sorting things out, but this happens in lessons every once in a while (and my teacher asks if its bc I am off that day but I don't believe in off days I think you either get it or don't?) And it breaks me more that I often end up not knowing why I was like that and why it was all good home or on other days.
And then I start doubting myself...
And I also get insomnia bc all I want to do is practice.
(It isn't that serious right? but I become very broken..)

Does this happen to everyone? What can I do/think to feel better or break less?

Thanks!

I had something similar to me when i was prepping for music scholarships at sixth forms. ( i played well at the audition, the issues were just in practice)
What was going wrong was overpractice and stress. I had major exams coming up soon at that time and had a full program to prepare. Often times it would be from 6pm -1 or 2am on school nights ( i would end up with about 5 or less hours of sleep, and ended up almost sleeping in alot of classes). The result ended up that i started making much more mistakes. Of course the parts which i practiced at these late times (1st ballade coda most notably) were improving. Bu i was making mistakes on all sorts of simple passages and stuff which i wouldnt/ havent made mistakes on before. Its started to happen with the scriabin sonata im learning. I hope someone else can post a better fix than i have, for both our benefit.

[bryfarr]

I break a lot and am feeling very broken now.
Not sure how to explain, but I break every time I play badly (like mess up on the very basic aspects that should't have been a problem) in lessons.  ...  it makes me feel so guilty for having these unreasonable problems (I would say they are unreasonable for my level) bc I put a lot into practicing and sorting things out, but this happens in lessons every once in a while (and my teacher asks if its bc I am off that day but I don't believe in off days I think you either get it or don't?) And it breaks me more that I often end up not knowing why I was like that and why it was all good home or on other days.
And then I start doubting myself...
And I also get insomnia bc all I want to do is practice.
(It isn't that serious right? but I become very broken..)

Does this happen to everyone? What can I do/think to feel better or break less?

Yes, it happens to everyone.
The way to feel better is to realize you're human and not a machine and cut yourself some slack.  It's unreasonable to think you're going to play perfectly every time.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about how to play/practice - I easily fall into a mental practice mode.  But I don't let this continue.  I stop thinking about it and try to meditate.  It works because I've been meditating for a long time.
In a nutshell, I recommend you take a course in meditation.  They are available at most universities.  Look into it.  You'll learn something that will serve you for the rest of your life.

[skari123]

I break a lot and am feeling very broken now.
Not sure how to explain, but I break every time I play badly (like mess up on the very basic aspects that should't have been a problem) in lessons. I know that my teacher is there to help me and stuff. But it makes me feel so guilty for having these unreasonable problems (I would say they are unreasonable for my level) bc I put a lot into practicing and sorting things out, but this happens in lessons every once in a while (and my teacher asks if its bc I am off that day but I don't believe in off days I think you either get it or don't?) And it breaks me more that I often end up not knowing why I was like that and why it was all good home or on other days.
And then I start doubting myself...
And I also get insomnia bc all I want to do is practice.
(It isn't that serious right? but I become very broken..)

Does this happen to everyone? What can I do/think to feel better or break less?

Thanks!

First off I want to tell you are not alone. I remember feeling similar like you did a few years ago when I attended a new music school which was overwhelming for me at first. The problems you face as a piano student is often not your fault and are not unreasonable in any way. We are often only as strong as our weakest link and that can be a barrier at times. Not knowing what is happening or how to fix it can induce fear and doubt in our abilities. I quickly realised that my teacher could never teach me everything I needed to know so I resorted to reading books about piano playing and technique. That interest branched out to aspects of musicality and how to enhance them. Doing this made me grow so much as a musician and made me doubt my abilities less. While it might seem counterintuitive, I would recommend making a list of your biggest flaws as a musician and possible solutions to those problems. For instance, if you have a problem with rhythm try researching that on the web, maybe even try to find books or other sources on how to improve it. There are solutions to your problems out there, you just don't know it yet

[lelle]

Some of this might help to talk over in therapy. You don't owe your teacher to not have "unreasonable" problems, in fact, it's your teachers duty to help you overcome them. You can only do your best with the information you have. If you are struggling a lot, you are likely lacking something in your skillset. There is no point beating yourself up over that, but find someone or something that can help you learn those skills and eventually you'll make progress on your challenges.