I’m starting to feel some hatred toward my teacher

[a.r.4.d]

Hello everyone,

As you can see from the title, I’ve become quite upset with my teacher, and this ongoing frustration has started to make me dislike her.

To give some context, she’s actually a great teacher — I’ve learned a lot from her since I started taking lessons. However, from the very beginning, she’s had this frustrating habit of never responding to my messages.

Now, by “messages,” I mean things like: texting her to schedule a lesson, sending her a message when she’s asked me to so she can share a score or piece, or letting her know when I have a school concert coming up.

Some people might say it’s not necessary to text about those things — and I’d agree if it weren’t for the fact that she herself told me to message her in those situations. Despite that, she almost never replies within a reasonable time, which makes organizing things really stressful.

On top of that, she sometimes has a very unpleasant attitude toward me. I don’t mean when she criticizes my playing — I actually appreciate that. But there have been many times when she’s said things like “I don’t care” or other dismissive comments at moments that really hurt. It’s made it hard to stay positive about my lessons.

I’d really appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation — how I can keep learning from her without letting these issues affect me emotionally or make the lessons feel discouraging.

(Just to clarify, I’ve mentioned this before on Reddit, and many people there misunderstood me — they thought I was weird for texting her at all. But honestly, she was the one who told me to do so. So please don’t jump to conclusions like they did!)

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[lelle]

What response times are we talking about? 10 minutes, 10 hours, or 10 days?

I think it's reasonable that if she has a full day of teaching, she can't respond within a couple of hours, for example.

As for saying "I don't care" or being cold towards you, I don't like that. A teacher should be kind and respectful to their students. It's part of creating a good atmosphere for learning and trust, which is essential if you want to get the most out of your lessons.

[a.r.4.d]

What response times are we talking about? 10 minutes, 10 hours, or 10 days?

I think it's reasonable that if she has a full day of teaching, she can't respond within a couple of hours, for example.

As for saying "I don't care" or being cold towards you, I don't like that. A teacher should be kind and respectful to their students. It's part of creating a good atmosphere for learning and trust, which is essential if you want to get the most out of your lessons.

She usually doesn’t respond to my messages unless they’re about scheduling a lesson, and even then, it can take anywhere from a couple of days to even longer for her to reply. Over the summer, for example, she was supposed to choose a piece for me, and when I texted her about it, she didn’t respond for about two and a half to three weeks.

As for her attitude, she often makes it very clear that what I say doesn’t matter to her — whether it’s about how I’d like to play a certain passage or even when I mention a concert I went to and really enjoyed. I don’t feel heard or valued in our conversations, even though she does respect my playing and the effort I put into my music.

[lostinidlewonder]

Teachers are replaceable. Messaging is not weird, if she never answers it could be weird or maybe she doesn't like to use that. If you stick with her then ask what's the best way to communicate outside of lessons. When I taught at a school we were not allowed to contact students outside of class. Saying "I don't care" means what? What's the context? It could be terrible or nothing at all.  If you dislike her that's not good, might as well just move on when you can.

You say 2.5-3 week no communication, we're you on holidays? Maybe she was out on holiday too. Or do you do monthly lessons? Too many unknowns in your story.

[a.r.4.d]

Teachers are replaceable. Messaging is not weird, if she never answers it could be weird or maybe she doesn't like to use that. If you stick with her then ask what's the best way to communicate outside of lessons. When I taught at a school we were not allowed to contact students outside of class. Saying "I don't care" means what? What's the context? It could be terrible or nothing at all.  If you dislike her that's not good, might as well just move on when you can.

You say 2.5-3 week no communication, we're you on holidays? Maybe she was out on holiday too. Or do you do monthly lessons? Too many unknowns in your story.

I’m sorry for the lack of details earlier — I was just trying to keep things short.

The reason I’m not changing teachers is that I’m worried I might not find anyone better. I’m an immigrant, and I don’t really know what teachers are like here, so I feel safer sticking with her for now.

When I say she doesn’t care, I mean she often makes it obvious in conversation. For example, once I tried to tell her that I had just started going to the gym and that my muscles were sore, so I might not play as well that day. But before I could even finish explaining, she cut me off and literally told me “i don’t care”
Another time, I asked if I could try a certain technique I’d seen other people use, and she just said, “I don’t care where you have seen the technique, you are doing it wrong.”
There have been many similar situations that I can’t even remember clearly anymore.

Back in the summer, we had a concert, and after it ended, I asked her what pieces she wanted me to work on next. She told me to message her, so I did — but she never replied. Because of that, I didn’t have anything to practice for about three weeks. I think she might have gone on holiday, but even then, I wasn’t asking her to choose a piece; I had already sent her a list of four or five options and just asked her to pick one.

We usually have lessons once a week, but since it’s my final year of school, sometimes it ends up being once every two weeks.

[dizzyfingers]

Reddit's a good place to vent ...

[dizzyfingers]

We usually have lessons once a week, but since it’s my final year of school, sometimes it ends up being once every two weeks.

Keep your eye on the finish line, i.e. graduation.
Maybe change teachers for the Spring Term, so what if the new teacher is "not as good", whatever that means, you're splitting hairs most likely.  It must downgrade your entire piano practice to be working with a teacher you do not like... not sure how you can tolerate it for another term.  When you're young and naive and working toward a goal, you put up with abuse in a university setting - admin, faculty.  They know that.

You could write an anonymous letter to the chair of the music department.  Her behavior is borderline.  She needs to conduct herself professionally.

[thorn]

The reason I’m not changing teachers is that I’m worried I might not find anyone better. I’m an immigrant, and I don’t really know what teachers are like here, so I feel safer sticking with her for now.

So stick with her while you look for another teacher. It sounds like for whatever reason- we obviously don't have both sides of this story- there is a communication problem here. Communication is the foundation of good teaching, sure there's boundaries within that (eg. teachers are not your friends, and they're not an emergency service, so they're not going to be available to talk/message 24/7), but leaving you for 3 weeks with nothing to work on, and not wanting to engage in small talk with you like the gym example, is a red flag to me.

I assure you there will be better teachers out there, you just have to look for them- make enquiries, ask piano friends/your school for recommendations etc. And like I said by all means keep your current teacher  until you find someone else.

Also I just noticed the part about being an immigrant. What is your concern here? That some teachers might be racist/xenophobic? Again, those are not good qualities in a teacher so if you were to find someone like that then of course stay well away.

[liszt-and-the-galops]

Reddit's a good place to vent ...

Reddit is a horrible place to be outside of a small handful of very specific subreddits.

For example, once I tried to tell her that I had just started going to the gym and that my muscles were sore, so I might not play as well that day. But before I could even finish explaining, she cut me off and literally told me “i don’t care”
Another time, I asked if I could try a certain technique I’d seen other people use, and she just said, “I don’t care where you have seen the technique, you are doing it wrong.”

I trust her judgement on the second one, though there are definitely ways to phrase that that are less harsh. The first one doesn't really make sense at all.

So stick with her while you look for another teacher.

This is probably the best course of action.

[tom2154]

Hello everyone,

As you can see from the title, I’ve become quite upset with my teacher, and this ongoing frustration has started to make me dislike her.

To give some context, she’s actually a great teacher — I’ve learned a lot from her since I started taking lessons. However, from the very beginning, she’s had this frustrating habit of never responding to my messages.

Now, by “messages,” I mean things like: texting her to schedule a lesson, sending her a message when she’s asked me to so she can share a score or piece, or letting her know when I have a school concert coming up.

Some people might say it’s not necessary to text about those things — and I’d agree if it weren’t for the fact that she herself told me to message her in those situations. Despite that, she almost never replies within a reasonable time, which makes organizing things really stressful.

On top of that, she sometimes has a very unpleasant attitude toward me. I don’t mean when she criticizes my playing — I actually appreciate that. But there have been many times when she’s said things like “I don’t care” or other dismissive comments at moments that really hurt. It’s made it hard to stay positive about my lessons.

I’d really appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation — how I can keep learning from her without letting these issues affect me emotionally or make the lessons feel discouraging.

(Just to clarify, I’ve mentioned this before on Reddit, and many people there misunderstood me — they thought I was weird for texting her at all. But honestly, she was the one who told me to do so. So please don’t jump to conclusions like they did!)

Thanks in advance for any advice!

If you aren't happy with the teacher, find another one.  I change doctors all the time when the current one is dismissive of my complaints or suggestions.  I pay good money for medical service and you pay good money for piano lessons.  Don't pay money to people you don't like.  It must be pretty intolerable for you to post your feelings on a public message board, so find someone new.

[jonathannyc]

When your current teacher says, "I don't care," it puts her emotions above yours in a negative manner. Those words are not instructive.  In over forty years of teaching, I have never uttered those words to a student.

I clarify to every student within the lesson what needs to be practiced - and exactly how - so the student has no doubt how to proceed. If you are texting your current teacher during the week, either she did not give adequate instructions during the lesson, or you should hold off your questions until the next lesson. Boundaries are necessary.

A certain emotional, and I will say professional, distance between teacher and student is necessary for both parties to avoid strange psychological entanglements. What matters most is your progress. And the long-term goal is your independence as a musician-pianist.
______________________________
https://www.bakerpianolessons.com/

[schubert980]

To me, your teacher sounds arrogant and hurtful. I am a retired doctor and spent my whole career teaching students and other doctors. Teaching should be about encouragement, stimulation and inspiration. Learning the piano started for me aged 10 with an old lady who held a 12 inch ruler over my fingers while I played, smacking fingers every time a wrong note was played. Fifty years later, I had my best teacher ever. He was fun, brilliantly perceptive, open to my ideas about interpretation and encouraged me to experiment with fingering to work out what worked best for me. He encouraged me to tackle music I would never have dreamt of attempting, always gentle and positive in his sugestions. Bear in mind that music teachers do not have to have had any formal education about how to teach, unlike most other teachers(including doctors). One of our maxims was that if you finished a lesson with a pupil and hadn't learnt something new, then you weren't teaching properly. In other words, listen and value new ideas from your pupils. Your teacher should be a friend and a hero or heroine.

[lelle]

To me, your teacher sounds arrogant and hurtful. I am a retired doctor and spent my whole career teaching students and other doctors. Teaching should be about encouragement, stimulation and inspiration. Learning the piano started for me aged 10 with an old lady who held a 12 inch ruler over my fingers while I played, smacking fingers every time a wrong note was played. Fifty years later, I had my best teacher ever. He was fun, brilliantly perceptive, open to my ideas about interpretation and encouraged me to experiment with fingering to work out what worked best for me. He encouraged me to tackle music I would never have dreamt of attempting, always gentle and positive in his sugestions. Bear in mind that music teachers do not have to have had any formal education about how to teach, unlike most other teachers(including doctors). One of our maxims was that if you finished a lesson with a pupil and hadn't learnt something new, then you weren't teaching properly. In other words, listen and value new ideas from your pupils. Your teacher should be a friend and a hero or heroine.

Well said, I totally agree.

[psipsi8]

No offence but seeing the title of this thread which constantly gets updated is starting to annoy me. Seriously. "Hatred" is such a strong word. Get a new teacher ASAP.