Having a musical lover or not.

[lostinidlewonder]

I was just wondering for those who are musical and have a partner in life, maybe wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or whatever, do you find it good to be with someone who loves and studies music like yourself or do you find it would be better to be with someone who has no interest in it?

I myself am with someone who likes totally different music to myself, doesn't play piano music, but attends all my concerts, always is there to support me and willing to sit and listen to me play things they have heard 10000 times. But I can't sit down and talk music with them which is stuff on my mind much of my time. It doesn't damage the relationship, the fact we are two different people enriches our life understanding and meaning to our own lives, but i do wonder what it would be like with a musical couple.

I have met a pianist and violinist from the West Australian Symphony Orchestra (WASO) who are a married couple, the violinist says he is only with his wife because she can play the orchestral part while he practices the violin eheh. (of course he is joking). But i have spent time with them and really was amazed by the musical energy surrounding their whole house, can anyone else share their own experience?

[ted]

I was very careful to marry someone who would tolerate my musical obsession. As it happens, she has a very highly developed musical sense and I have learned to pay serious heed to whatever she says. I have never been in a close relationship with somebody who is a serious musician so I cannot comment meaningfully on that. I had a number of women, when I was younger, who asserted strong interest in music in order to get closer to me, but these affairs soon flagged once they realised just how obsessed I was.

[Derek]

I've had a couple girlfriends in the category Ted mentioned----those that pretend to have strong interest in music but do not. I once had a chat online with one of these where we were role playing---I was a vampire, and was hunting her down. This was total innocence on my part---I had no idea she took it as flirtation and indeed an agressive romantic move on my part. (she is fascinated with the occult and fancies herself a vampire....a bit nutty I think) 

ANYWAY, when that was going on, I was listening to the tempest sonata by Beethoven, the fast flowing third movement. She told me she was listening to the same piece at the same time.  However...it turned out to be one of the only pieces of classical music she had on her computer, and it wasn't that great of a performance either.

I suspect she downloaded it right when I said the name of it just to make me think she was as into classical music as I was.

Perhaps I should give her the benefit of the doubt, but she really was a bit insane I think...very pretty though 

I should also add the full magnitude of my obsession with piano had not reached its peak yet by that relationship. Since I've become this obsessed---not a single girlfriend. I'm not sure if I'm even interested in one! (except in the obvious, physical sense). Oh well.

[ted]

I almost forgot, it's so long ago. There was one for whom I believe strategy played no part. She really did like my music and we liked each other. The trouble, of course, is that even these commonalities are nowhere near enough. In fact, in that case almost all other circumstances were well nigh impossible.

[Siberian Husky]

I too have experienced "make believers" who try to make you believe they are intwine with you and your attributes. When mentioning piano or any music, i'll always steer awar from someone who tried to hard and says "Omg i love baytoven..or the other guy Motesar.."..knowing they mean well..but this is just asking for a reltionship to fall apart when it comes to me..i'v dated girls with different musical taste..and music is SO prevalent and important in my life, that if music tastes dont match up, the relationship wont work, simple as that. I'v never dated a musician, or a musically inclined person with the same ears as myself, but i'v always played around with the fantasy of dating a female pianist whom i could play duets with...then maybe we could watch movies..and..take the dogs out for a walk at the park..let them jump in the lake...*sigh*.....

-Luis

[minimozart007]

What's funny is that one of my old teachers is married to a violinist.  In addition to being hott, she plays extremely well and is in a sympony orchestra in Winnipeg.  one time she came to our conservatory and played the Adagio and Fugue from the C major Sonata by Bach for us.  And, they play a lot of duets, in more way than one (this teacher is exactly twice as old as me).

[Floristan]

It works for some, not for others.  Playing two different instruments helps!  Sometimes like interests attract.  Sometimes opposites attract.  In my case it has always been opposites.  My partner supports and enjoys as he can my music.  Sometimes he complains mildly of being a piano widow, but he's so happy to see me happy playing!  I support his enthusiasm for his motorcycle.  I cannot understand it, but I can see the joy it gives him, just as he sees the joy the piano gives me.  We complete each other is how I see it for us.

[Siberian Husky]

It works for some, not for others.  Playing two different instruments helps!  Sometimes like interests attract.  Sometimes opposites attract.  In my case it has always been opposites.  My partner supports and enjoys as he can my music.  Sometimes he complains mildly of being a piano widow, but he's so happy to see me happy playing!  I support his enthusiasm for his motorcycle.  I cannot understand it, but I can see the joy it gives him, just as he sees the joy the piano gives me.  We complete each other is how I see it for us.

awwww...

(im not poking fun, i really think thats nice)

[Daevren]

I rather have someone with no real interest in music but that will accept my obsession (I don't see a problem here actually). I am more afraid about disagreeing with someone. Having a partner that likes '90 punk or something. I would not be able to handle that.

So I rather have someone with interests in literature or paintings. Or, she has to be better than me in every area. But that might be to intimidating.

[whynot]

You always ask very interesting questions, lostinidlewonder.  I spent several years with another pianist who was a really lovely person, but it didn't work out.  Turned out piano was the only thing we had in common.  We were never competitive, probably because he was just such a nice person.  Now I'm with a great musician who is not a pianist, and we have many other things in common-- we don't talk about music much, but we have similar tastes, thank God.  Another happy marriage I know is a classical singer and a guy who's really into vintage cars.  They seem very different to outsiders, but they have the same sense of humor and really support one another's interests.  He's developed quite an ear over the years.  He doesn't know anything about music, officially (I mean, he claims), but I've noticed he really knows what's going on when he hears a performance.  I guess any combination might work or not work, depending on the people.  That's not profound, but I haven't had breakfast yet.       

[lostinidlewonder]

I can relate to the "Obsession" music plays in life as Ted, Derek, Siberian Husky and Daevren mentioned. I have had a few think they love me because of music but then they realise the reality of a musicians life. How much time is spent alone at the instrument, how isolated the non-musical partner may feel when the musical one is trying to better their art.

I have to say to a lot of people (who romanticize a musicians life, or want to be a musician themselves) that music is really again another job. Yes it has the art side to it and you can become a recluse hermit musican and live very happily, but if you want to "earn a living" from it, there is that unavoidable "hard work" side to it, like any work has attached to it. The bad thing about music is sometimes that it can be like a 24hr on-call doctor job. The work is always with you and around you, so you can't avoid it sometimes and I think that is hard for a non-musical partner to swallow.

Sometimes opposites attract. In my case it has always been opposites. My partner supports and enjoys as he can my music. Sometimes he complains mildly of being a piano widow, but he's so happy to see me happy playing! I support his enthusiasm for his motorcycle. I cannot understand it, but I can see the joy it gives him, just as he sees the joy the piano gives me. We complete each other is how I see it for us.

I think we are in the same boat My other half is a real punk lol. Belly and lebrette (under the lip above the chin) peircings, 10 in the ear, hardly someone you would think a classical pianist would be with. But I think it is really strange how such differences work out and how you can both take in different perspectives in life and ultimately better yourself.

I spent several years with another pianist who was a really lovely person, but it didn't work out. Turned out piano was the only thing we had in common...

That is the danger I have fallen into. If I hear someone who plays music beautifully I can't help but be emotionally captivated by them. Not that I would throw myself at them and beg for them to be with me if only once! But... i dunno, it is just like something special to hear someone who respects the art of music produce their work on their instrument. To me I could live off just that ehhe, but i guess putting a relationship based on a structure which isn't love for only the person themselves is danger, but that happens all the time, for better or worse who knows!

[Dazzer]

i don't think i care... i have enough trouble finding a lover. lol.

[tds]

*clear throat* ahem... what about loverS? that woudabeen a simple question without implying anythin.  tds

[pianonut]

i think what most women look for is much different than what men look for.  even though men sometimes think they don't 'need' anyone -- most guys seem to appreciate being appreciated for what they can do (whether at the piano, racing cars, whatever).  so, they are happiest with someone who doesn't do the same thing (or plays at a much lesser level).

women, on the other hand, are 'emotionally charged.'  we like certain things one day, and dislike the same the next.  i guess as women get older we like to be surprised.  little things make a difference.  not someone who is totally predictable (yet reliable). what i look for now is not for constant attention, but constant love and communication (whether near or far).  until you are ready to commit to just one person - i think it's best to seek out your choices.  but, once you make a choice - keep it that one person.  put everything you have into the relationship. after telling my husband things that make me feel like he is near - he makes it a point to call me during the day, come home earlier, and generally be more spontaneous and less rigid about schedules, other appointments, and yes WORK in general.  and, he has stopped committing that faux-pax of telling other accompanists that if i can't play for him one weekend - maybe they could.  now, i am his sole accompanist and everyone else knows it.  i am jealous over him to a fault - but much happier this way.

music is a big part of the equation for musicians, but not the whole...is what i mean.  spirituality, relationship time (at discretion of each partner - and often discussed - as it fluctuates very widely with women and less so with men), life goals, dreams, financial ideas, hobbies, degree of relaxation you feel with that person.  though my husband can be type A sometimes, at other times he is extremely relaxed and i can talk to him freely, and know he's listening completely.  of all the things he does (he does many well ) this endears me to him the most.   

[dj]

im madly in love with a singer at the moment...funny thing is i've known her for years and she's always been an awesome person...even liked me at times...but i never felt that way about her...but then i accompanied her for a song she was singing a while ago and we spent a lot of time 2gether working on it and...*choke* *gag* fell fer the voice...soprano...i dont even like opera?!! ah well i just started havin dreams of making beautiful music 2gether for the rest of our lives and yeah then i was pretty much gone...so yeah thats me.....guess musical interest is a pretty big thing as far as im concerned

[Tash]

i've been contemplating this kind of thing, and i'm really not all too experienced in the area (but i'm not going into too much detail about that!) but i did date a guy who had no interest in classical music whatsoever, in fact his response to my comment that i listened to very little that wasn't classical music was 'but don't you find it boring? i mean, you can't dance to it.' he was into 'house music'. and after that comment i was just like nup this isn't going to work, cos we had nothing else in common and i knew i'd never be able to drag him to music concerts (i took him to the art gallery and he was bored out of his mind!). so with my musical obsession i don't think i could date, let alone marry someone that wasn't into classical music. or if not then they'd have to be open to appreciating it. i don't think i could date a pianist, cos i might get a bit competitive with them, but another instrument would be cool. like even just someone who i could discuss music with and take them to concerts would be fine with me. like you said lostinidlewonder, the whole not being able to talk to them about what you love would probably drive me insane, because i see my friends as that- i love them to bits but most of them don't have a huge interest in my passion which is hard.
so back to my search of finding a decent musician for me to date!!

[brokenagraffe]

Hell no. Go for hot ballerina chicks instead (for you men). 

[Aniam]

Hmm....well, it has been my limited experience that many musicians are crazy or lacking in common sense. And since insanity already runs rampant in my family, I think it'd be safer to go with a non-musician. I wouldn't want any potential kids to end up in a mental home.

But he'd better like to go to concerts though. 

[Alice1]

Last weekend my relationship with a musical boyfriend ended. I am a professional pianist, he works in TV, but is an excellent amateur pianist, and is so enthusiastic about piano that he has a Steinway. He knows more than I do about certain areas of piano playing, i.e. historic recordings etc, as is often the way with enthusiastic amateurs. I am so so upset that we broke up. I love him for who he is, not just because of his musical interests. I will never find anyone else like him. Someone else with his interest in piano might not be attractive to me, someone who is attractive to me may not know anything about piano. It is so important to me to be with someone who understands and values what I do, who can criticise my playing intelligently instead of being easily impressed, as my non-musician friends are. We go to concerts together, or used to, I should say, and it's so rewarding to be with someone who knows what they are listening to. And as he isn't a professional musician he doesn't have the insecurities, both financial and emotional, that go with the job. After a day at work, he can appreciate listening to me, instead of thinking "enough with the music, I've been playing all day". He was just perfect, and I will never find anyone like him again.   

[ludwig]

I'm sorry to hear that Alice..... Don't know if I should ask but why did you break up? From what you've said you guys compliment each other so well...

I think its very important to have a partner who appreciates music, especially music you play, or live by, or like etc... but isn't in a musical career themselves, perhaps they don't even play your instrument at all, I've known couples who get too competitive, have had too many different opinions about music, and could not discuss them in an intelligent way, because I have always found that people who are very "musical" are also incredibly stubborn and have strong-characters....

anyways Alice, hope things will go your way soon

[Alice1]

Thank you Ludwig. Well, we broke up as he was in a strange mood, and I pushed him to talk about it. He has had failed relationships in the past, and was nervous of getting too involved, (the classic commitment-phobic man) in case it failed with me too. Well, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy as I see it. He's 40, I'm 28, and I guess by 40 some people get cynical... We did complement each other well, I thought, and it seemed so did his friends and family. 
Anyway, I have some important debuts in the next few months, and I just have to get my head down and practise, and not be distracted by this. But it's so difficult...And yes, I agree with you, musicians, professional or not, can be very stubborn! I think a musician needs to have lots of conviction, which can sometimes translate into stubborness!

[Tash]

Hell no. Go for hot ballerina chicks instead (for you men).

actually i would totally agree with that. my sis is off becoming a professional ballerina, and we get along really well, because we're both interested in the same things but from a different perspective. so i love music in terms of playing it, and she loves it in terms of dancing to it, so it prevents us from comparing ourselves to each other, which is probably why we get along so well. so she's always into listening to classical music and listens to it in terms of whether she could choreograph something to it.
so it's great. males go date a ballerina- they have weird eating habits but that's ok!

[Marinated_Tofu]

Very interesting topic.  I am going through this right now in my life.  I just got out of a relationship with another pianist (hardest thing I've ever had to go through).  It ended because we are both in the exact same program (Uni) and it's pretty competitive and he said that he needed me more for support and as a friend to get through this tough time (yes I know it's a lame excuse.....but I bought it....heh).  Before this relationship I had made up my mind that I would NEVER date a musician, I figure that I am crazy enough for any relationship, so why add to that.  But then I realized that this is my life, and not having someone to talk to about it and share that passion seems kinda odd.  But I do see how it could become detrimental, especially if we both play the same instrument.  

As a side note, both of my parents are musicians.  My mom is an opera singer, and my dad a violinist, and they are both crazy (hence my insanity).  But they seem to have balanced everything out.  

[iumonito]

Hi all.  Pianist here.  Happily married to horn player/singer for about ten years.  I am glad to report that music does not dominate our domestic life, but I can't imagine (I actually can, and it seems dreadful) sharing my life with someone who's not musical.

It must be so lonely.  You listen to a significant performance on the radio or discover a new recording and your mate goes "oh honey, that's nice; would you pass the ketchup, please?"  Playing Mozart symphonies and Brahms Hungarian dances four-hands is about the must fun thing you can do on a Friday evening.  Plus, all those musical jokes and funny happenings that would go unshared if your companion in life just does not get it.

I dated non-musicians when I was a teen, and it is just so incomplete.  Of course, conquers everything, so if the person you like happens to not know C from F#, well, enjoy what you do have.   

[MasterTuner]

It is my dream to marry a beautiful pianist (who is not crazy) and play duo-piano.  My teacher and his wife were duo-pianists.  Of course, I'll have to move to New York to find one.