Bob's thread, AKA Bob's secret underground lair...

[Glissando]

so then the snails leave a slimy trail that is slippery to tread on all around the castle *grabs bob and amanfang onto the giant snail so they don't slip*

Ack! slimy guwy yucky snail trail!
*quickly climbs a tree*
Hmmm well, here's my stroke:

hahaha beat that!

[amanfang]

Since when do Bob, Tash, Amanfang, and an army of snails take orders from Glissando's proclmations?  Especially when they don't have the royal seal of the snails on it, without which any binding legal document is null and void.

[Bob]

Hear! Hear!

lol... (flings used snail food on the proclamation)


(Fits several snails up with turbo just be on the safe side though)

[Tash]

i was gonna say, bob is the only person who can make rules in this land! go make your own world!

as for crazy old teachers (i have bitter memories of my first teacher) *sends a series of old broken uprights towards them and they all get bottled over*

[Bob]

Wow!  Tash is right.

(temporarily suspends the law of gravity to demonstrate power over thread.  Gets nauseous and puts it back.)



Brings playing chordal Hankauh music.  Why?  Because we're fighting against Glissando and ChristmasCarol.

=============================


Snails, escaping into this thread...
__ https://www.pianostreet.com/smf/index.php?topic=36265.msg417227#msg417227
xx \
xxx|
xxx|   _@/  _@/  _@/_@/
    _@/     _@/   _@/      _@/
 _@/

[ChristmasCarol]

I didn't want to do this... but it's come to this at last.... Church music....  Hey my ears had to experience this... In Bermuda on vacation - still a good little girl so I went to church... Salvation Army church.  Oh yeah... Bob, you gotta hear this one.  They had a person play the so-called piano who - no kidding - only knew one chord.  This was accompanied by a bass drum.  When in my prison camp you will be forced to sing along with these musicians.  And who can forget the Swedish band that played in the church of my youth.  My mom said I used to cry and she had to take me out of the church.  She thought it was cute that I was so moved by the music... do we THINK that was why I was crying?  Each night you will be serenaded to sleep by such a band over the loud speaker for several hours.  Then there was the time I heard a lady sing an entire solo a half tone flat from the organ.  I'm getting really viscious now... that was like having nails dragged across a blackboard.  Surrender now while you still can articulate!

[amanfang]

But just before ChristmasCarol could carry out her evil plot, 4 large muscular body guard snails (Do we have these?) came and escorted ChristmasCarol and Glissando to an awaiting limousine.  "Where are we going?" the asked.  They saw some brochures on the seats and began reading as the limo drove away.  The shocking realization hit them.....They were to be judges at the annual "Fur Elise Competition" for youth ages 10-14.  Each contestant had to play Fur Elise and another Beethoven piece of his or her choice (usually Moonlight sonata).  The winners of the preliminary round would then move onto finals, where our judges would hear some "stunning" renditions of Fantasie Impromptu and Rach 3 by these "talented" youth.  Goodbye ChristmasCarol and Glissando.  Enjoy judging this competition for a good while.  I hear there are 5823 contestants.  All playing Fur Elise.....  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[ChristmasCarol]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ha ha... I can no longer hear Fur Elise.  If a student is working on it, my consciousness leaves my body and I think about something else.  If I truly listened to my students playing I would go mad.  Aha... that's it.  Bob, whatever students you have will come into your mind and you will hear it over and over, exactly as they played it for three days running - each student.  I once had to wait for my lesson while my friend who never ever practiced brutelized Clair de Lune.  My mental tape is coming at you.  To this day, I can't stand that piece ever.   Ah the suffering I have had to my musical ears.  But, now, I am tough, real tough.  So I have a great repertoire for you, Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree,  More,  Beginner's version of Beethoven's 9th for primer piano, Jingle Bells in all keys one after the other, The Little Drummer Boy,  When the Saints Go Marching In - alternating the key of G and C endlessly, with only I and V chords.  It is amazing how great it is to give this stuff away.   Just how tough are you eh?  eh? 

[Glissando]

But just before ChristmasCarol could carry out her evil plot, 4 large muscular body guard snails (Do we have these?) came and escorted ChristmasCarol and Glissando to an awaiting limousine.  "Where are we going?" the asked.  They saw some brochures on the seats and began reading as the limo drove away.  The shocking realization hit them.....They were to be judges at the annual "Fur Elise Competition" for youth ages 10-14.  Each contestant had to play Fur Elise and another Beethoven piece of his or her choice (usually Moonlight sonata).  The winners of the preliminary round would then move onto finals, where our judges would hear some "stunning" renditions of Fantasie Impromptu and Rach 3 by these "talented" youth.  Goodbye ChristmasCarol and Glissando.  Enjoy judging this competition for a good while.  I hear there are 5823 contestants.  All playing Fur Elise.....  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

NO!!! NO!!!! I WON'T DO IT!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!
*weeps piteously*
Wait a minute- isn't that a jug of Sluggo-Snail killer I have in my purse?
aaaaa-haaaaaaa!!!!
Take that, Big Muscular Snail Guards!
*squirt squirt squirt*
mwwaahahaaha! Now I have a nice limo to drive- right back to the border of the land of BOB. Here I build my fortress, a large shiny black fortress that ascends in height to the right- the fortress of Glissando!
                         
                 ___P_
              _|         |
           _|            |     
      __|               |
   _|                    |
  |______________|
 
(the P is supposed to be a flag)
Now I hire an army of jackalopes to come and obey my every wish!
I have you beat!

[Tash]

but meanwhile tash has seen the limo coming back, whistles to call extra backups- a giant Peequee

 comes bounding along, whistling in some high-pitched, out of tune, out of rhythm fantasie impromptu which is so piercing you have to hold your ears to try and block out the sound, but no it's too hard, it's entered your head, and everyone falls to the ground in extreme pain (think x-men 2), except tash, bob and amanfang cos they've got special helmets to protect them.

*runs to the dying snail and tries to give a few comforting last words. the snail dies, but it's spirit lives on to haunt the world*

[Bob]

Dang!.... I forgot about the snail poison.

(begins secretly feeding tiny amount of snail poison each day to the snails.  Gradually adds a little more poison as the snails adjust to it.  Over time, the snails build up an immunity to the poison.)

(Unleashes a group of students who begin to take lesson with ChristmasCarol..... These are quite unique students..... A teacher nightmare -- Students who never practice, but keep coming back to lessons week after week after week..... ChristmasCarol has no choice but to do their practicing for them during their lessons.  Time will become warped and a half hour lesson will drag on for what seems like an eternity!.....)

(prepares to send ChristmasCarol some students that cannot keep any kind of beat.  Not even an unsteady beat.  Are they trying to keep the beat, or is that some kind of involuntary muscle twitch?    lol... That one's just cruel.   Funny, but cruel.)

[ChristmasCarol]

Dang!.... I forgot about the snail poison.

(begins secretly feeding tiny amount of snail poison each day to the snails.  Gradually adds a little more poison as the snails adjust to it.  Over time, the snails build up an immunity to the poison.)

(Unleashes a group of students who begin to take lesson with ChristmasCarol..... These are quite unique students..... A teacher nightmare -- Students who never practice, but keep coming back to lessons week after week after week..... ChristmasCarol has no choice but to do their practicing for them during their lessons.  Time will become warped and a half hour lesson will drag on for what seems like an eternity!.....)

(prepares to send ChristmasCarol some students that cannot keep any kind of beat.  Not even an unsteady beat.  Are they trying to keep the beat, or is that some kind of involuntary muscle twitch?    lol... That one's just cruel.   Funny, but cruel.)

Aha so you've been spying on me have you?   Just decided today to drop a student who will not cannot does not read music at all... won't even look at it.   Okay, so I had that eternity lesson with her last night.  No more.  Her spirit will however will be inexplicably drawn to anyplace that has snails around.  The more snails the better.  After all, a snail's pace of learning is an adorable metaphor don't-ya-know.  This mother will not stop until she finds a teacher named Bob, or maybe Tish.  Yeah that's it.   Any metronome within distance of your ears will now only beat to a snail's pace.  HA HA. 

The snail poison administered has slowly been causing the snails to have distorted pitch awareness.  They cannot tell if someting is in tune or not.  This begins to affect anyone within their proximity.

Am sending rich kids to you for lessons... the kind who have everything given to them and interupt when you're speaking.  Smart, cute, and rude.  Oh they're the best kind of torture for you and your snails.  One even has a Bosendorfer to play on.

What's that?  I heard snail squeels.  Saw them writhing in agony.  Music is painful everywhere they go.  Bad music, bad instruments, bad students, bad t.v., etc.  No wait that's already a reality isn't it.  Nevermind.

[Bob]

(throws ChirstmasCarol a bone)

[jlh]

*Enlists Trogdor The Burninator to the the army.  He is widely known as a vicious being who routinely lays waste to the countryside and the peasants who inhabit it.  He has undergone extensive brainwashing and now only has a taste for snail blood.*


As self-appointed General in this revolutionary effort, news has come out of my secret nursery of Snail-Killing Carabids that have grown to considerable size.  They have gone without food for some time and are now out of the nest on a snail hunting crusade.

Since Trogdor has no respect for Beethoven, he quickly burninates the walls of the Bob fortress and the Carabids enter, leaving the fortress in a massacre of snails.

My army then takes possession of the fortress and Bob's party is put into confinement --- made to listen to ChristmasCarol's music indefinitely.   

[jlh]

*admits that I was the one that printed the "BOB" flags backwards*

[ChristmasCarol]

(throws ChirstmasCarol a bone)

What's this?  Are you being kind?  or or patronizing?   Hmmmm.    I will consider sending you my students with one note that sticks (you must teach them on their piano).  Of course the note is in mid range.  Just pretend they're playing bagpipes.  And how about the students whose grandparents visit on holidays and enter the room during the lesson and speak loudly to other family members.  And now, the student who wants to play Fleetwood Mac music, I use the word music here carelessly.  This has happened several times and you shall experience this ad nauseum.   Heh heh.  You will not be able to get a repair person to call back for several weeks if your digital piano breaks down.  Then when they come to fix it the bill is hundreds of dollars. When he leaves it will be fixed improperly and will have to come back.  Oh the pain and suffering of musicians.  Snails be gone.  You cannot possibly match this agony.  Who dares to claim a board corner and think that teachers are not tough as (s) nails?  Eh?  Eh?  Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa  ha ha.

[Glissando]

whistling in some high-pitched, out of tune, out of rhythm fantasie impromptu

As if Fantastie Impromtu isn't bad enough IN tune!!!!
(sorry, I used to love it before I heard it 20 times.)
Hmmm well jlh and trogdor are certainly great additions to our rebel force!
*goes off and plays the revolutionary etude at a stunning tempo, causing the Imperial forces to stop and bug out their eyes in amazment*

*****look everyone! this is my eleventy-oneth post! *******

[Bob]

"Um.... Excuse me?  Hello?  Yes, hello, Mr... Trogdor?   Yes, well, we have a very strict no smoking policy here, so I'm afraid you're just going to have to stop all that smoke you've got going there."

Patches and rebuilds fortress walls with twinkies.  Adds more protection -- The Bob Fortress is fire-proofed.

Tiny baby snails scream in terror at the thought of Carabids.  One large snail urinates. (mighty proud to have that brave guy on my team)


Psst.... christmasCarol.....  Look what jlh said about you...... "made to listen to ChristmasCarol's music indefinitely."   What's that supposed to mean?  What's he saying about your playing?  Is that the kind of person you want on your side?


lol... I just realized.  I have the power to stop this war anytime I want..... lol.....hehehe.....heh heh heh.......

[Tash]

yeah bob why don't we just kick them out?

[jlh]

Psst.... christmasCarol.....  Look what jlh said about you...... "made to listen to ChristmasCarol's music indefinitely."   What's that supposed to mean?  What's he saying about your playing?  Is that the kind of person you want on your side?

Ah, but you see... it is not ChristmasCarol's playing that you will be listening to.  It will be all the recordings made of students of that never practiced and came to lessons unprepared and screaming that they wanted to play the Fantasy-Impromptu after just barely learning Fur-Elise.  These recordings were made after a technician improperly tuned the piano and made the damper pedal stick to the floor.  Oo.. the agony of it all! 

[ChristmasCarol]

Okay, now we look at all the strengths and weaknesses of snails.  Native Americans believe that your animal totem tells what kind of person you are...  So "start your engines" cause here's the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The Snail

Snails are found in gardens, ponds and even the sea.  Their soft bodies are protected by hard shells which they use as a defense.  When disturbed or alarmed the snail withdraws or pulls itself back into its shell.  It also retreats into itself and seals the entrance in dry weather to protect its body from drying up.  Those with this medicine know how to retreat when danger is present as well as seal themselves off from others.  This can be beneficial as long as the individual does not become too much of a recluse and inhibit their communication and interaction with others. Knowing when to retreat and when to act is an important teaching for those with this totem.

The snail creates a slime trail to travel on so it is easier to move over different surfaces and textures.  They remind us to take the easiest path to reach our destination.  When snail appears in your life ask yourself if you are taking a harder path than is necessary.  Because snail retreats into its shell during adverse weather conditions those with this medicine have the ability to build walls around themselves and withdraw until a situation improves.  Snail medicine people have clear perceptions and need to learn to honor those abilities in all situations.

Both male and female the snail can produce sperm and eggs at the same time.  Because of this duality those with this totem  have a tendency towards identity conflicts in their younger years. This conflict triggers issues of self esteem and confusion.  Fortunately as the person gets older their male and female characteristics align and begin to work together in a complimentary way.

Most active at night or on cloudy days the snail uses all of its senses equally and simultaneously.  Those with this totem often find they seldom have one intuitive gift more pronounced than another as all psychic abilities are utilized in any given situation.

The snail understands the value of slow movement and teaches us how to use that movement  to our advantage.  It holds the teachings of patience, perseverance and respect.  It asks us to be mobile and fluidic as we move through life, always aware of how our actions or lack of them affect others. The trail we leave behind  holds the history of who and what we are.  When snail enters your life your reputation is under review.  Past situations come to the surface to be healed or balanced in some way.  Snail asks us to "make right whatever we have wronged."  In this way spiritual growth  is attained.

nuff said

[athykay]

Anybody notice all the snail and slug extermination ads at the bottom of this page?   Bob, I think you've been out numbered.

[Axtremus]

Anybody notice all the snail and slug extermination ads at the bottom of this page?   Bob, I think you've been out numbered.

Thanks for calling this out... I just noticed it. It's brilliant advertising! The advertisement changes to track the content of the web page! Brilliant! (Sorry to see that the web site's advertisers/sponsors are out to kill your snails, Bob. I think you should just give up and feel very depressed now. )

[Tash]

NO!! bob will never give up! we will fight to the very end!

*starts singing incredibly and naturally out of tune pop songs which is 1000 times more painful than any crappy fur elise or fantasie impromptu*

[Bob]

Bob raises drawbridge on Bob fortess.  Posts sign "Bob is busy working on other things right now.  War is temporarily suspended."

.... What if.. that happened in real life?   Or maybe it does the way the Middle East goes.


(goes to work on other projects)

[Glissando]

*glissando gets frustrated and starts screaming her head off*
I will win! win! win!

[amanfang]

You can't win!  This is BOB'S THREAD.  Only Bob's team gets to win in Bob's thread. 

(Pats self on back for being so smart to think of that when joining sides.)

[Tash]

yeah glissando, this whole thread is biased to work against you, so don't bother fighting it!

[Glissando]

You can't win!  This is BOB'S THREAD.  Only Bob's team gets to win in Bob's thread. 

(Pats self on back for being so smart to think of that when joining sides.)

yeah glissando, this whole thread is biased to work against you, so don't bother fighting it!

it's discrimination!

[Bob]

Agh!    Hey, I work on this thread!  I figured it would just sink down in the murk and I'd be in peace, but people keep dragging it back to the surface, what with the war and all that.... (half-frustrated).... (wonders if I should move my stuff to some obscure thread to hide it now...).... (goes back to pf work in a grumpy little huff)

[Tash]

no this is a cool thread! let's just claim peace and tell glissando to go make her own thread and all will be well

[Sergey R]

What a great thread! This one needs to be constantly bumped up.

[pytis]

I can read binary now wheres my lolypop

[m1469]

I can read binary now wheres my lolypop

*And the lollipop pirates strike again....*   

[Torp]

*And the lollipop pirates strike again....*   

Heh, heh, heh... they've been lurking this whole time

Lest we forget....
lollipop pirates
lollipop horders
enigmatic instructor
floating/flying potatoes
at least 3 piano players in the throws of serious mid-life crises

Pianonut's story lives on!!!  Watch out for buses and leather!!!!!!!!!!!

Jef

[Torp]

Oh, and one more thing.......

Beware of The Bear and its use of improvisation and desultory gesticulations.  The Bear can also be identified by the palpable effects of its gaseous emmissions.

[Bob]

(mysterious whispered voice) .... Let this thread sink back down into the depths of the pf site...






(What's all this about lollipops?)

[chopintod]

Oh, Bob, what have you DONE?!?!

Don't you know what you've created?  You've created a MONSTER!  This thread will never die!  NEVER!! People will keep finding this thread randomly...read it...feel a need to comment...and BUMP!!  HAHAHA!!!  LET THIS THREAD NEVER DIE!

[Dazzer]

i only found it cuz you bumped it up ...

[Bob]

(considers sealing off the entrance) hmmm....




"Yes!  Yes!  Three more threads and we move down to page 2!  Ha, ha!"

[Sergey R]

It's very convenient having it in your signature Bob. I was looking at your sig, and clicked on it wondering where it linked to and then it came to this thread, and remembered about it. And then I typed this to bump it back up.

[Torp]

(What's all this about lollipops?)

Nothing, don't worry about it, it will be allright....the horders of lollipops have been in hiding for a long time now.  Don't you fret now...go back to sleep...shhhhhhhhh....

[Jacey1973]

awww Bob is funny....(i do think that perhaps...he needs help though?)

[Tash]

no from my experience it's a music teacher thing- they're all bizarrely quirky- and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! i love it! i hope if i end up becoming a music teacher i become bizarrely quirky too that'd be so fun

[allthumbs]

What a great thread! This one needs to be constantly bumped up.

NO!!! NO!!!! I WON'T DO IT!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!
*weeps piteously*
Wait a minute- isn't that a jug of Sluggo-Snail killer I have in my purse?
aaaaa-haaaaaaa!!!!
Take that, Big Muscular Snail Guards!
*squirt squirt squirt*
mwwaahahaaha! Now I have a nice limo to drive- right back to the border of the land of BOB. Here I build my fortress, a large shiny black fortress that ascends in height to the right- the fortress of Glissando!
                         
                 ___P_
              _|         |
           _|            |     
      __|               |
   _|                    |
  |______________|
 
(the P is supposed to be a flag)
Now I hire an army of jackalopes to come and obey my every wish!
I have you beat!

But wait!! A super hero "allthumbs" from a future post, goes back in time and saves the big muscular Snail Guard  by throwing up a protective force field of a Rachmaninov Prelude and deflecting the Sluggo Snail Killer.

                                                   
                                 \\
                                   \\ || (
                                  __\\  (
                                  ---   (
                                                   \@_


The War is still on! Bob has a new ally!

[chopintod]

Haha....still going on, eh?

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

[pianistimo]

the giant peequee doesn't bother one snail.  she's lost the ability to hear high pitched squeals anyway.  waving a white flag and declaring peace and brownies she offers to give a lecture.  the snails who are not quite dead agree to listen to her lecture on 'possible causes for beethoven's deafness.'  of course, salieri's admission to poisoning mozart would be another good choice.  was he crazy on his deathbead or did he really do it (and why wasn't he sorry)?