Tuberculosis is forcing me to leave...

[pocorina]

It gives me great pain to have to type this, but needs must.

As of tomorow, I will not be on this forum for a long time. I may never return; who knows?

Recently I went to russia for a week to meet my uncle. Whilst there, I picked up a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis.

It does not seem to be entirely drugs resistant, but I need to go to this therapy and recovery centre in Scotland for some intense treatment. It's knackering my lungs and I may be in for a heart and lung transplant. If it doesn't work, or I die (let's hope not) then I would like to say bye and thanks to everyone that was nice to me. But I'll be back, do not worry.

I have not been here long, and I know I have annoyed a lot of people with my right-winged political ramblings, but I have had great fun here in my short time.

So long and farewell, my ivory-loving friends...

[Dazzer]

that's ... sad

wish you all the best and hope you recover soon - big hugs -

be strong.

[ciao_xx_bella]

Woah, that is sad.

I take it you are still reading the forum, because you have deleted your account, so you cannot read our posts.

I suppose you'll check them for the next few days, right?

Remember Chopin always - we all know how he struggled with this one.

[BoliverAllmon]

stay strong and get better.

[Daevren]

Make sure you follow the treatment very well.

[BoliverAllmon]

Woah, that is sad.

I take it you are still reading the forum, because you have deleted your account, so you cannot read our posts.

I suppose you'll check them for the next few days, right?

Remember Chopin always - we all know how he struggled with this one.

Don't remember Chopin. He died from this crap. Be better than Chopin.

[janice]

 
I'm sooo sorry!!  Please stay in touch with us, ok?  I will be praying for you.

[pianonut]

me too!  since you had it diagnosed so quickly, i really do think you'll be back as soon as you are able!  wish life wasn't so hard sometimes.  i had a bout of severe pneumonia in childhood and finally when they thought i wasn't going to get any better, i did.  (the canary helped)  if you don't like pets, try some of your favorite cd's.

our prayers to God are like music, too, so don't be shy about saying your own prayers to Him.  there's probably some cute guy going to be in Scotland, and you'll be glad you went.  ps.  barry douglas lives in ireland.  if i knew him personally, i'd send him over with a recital program and a dozen roses.  (yeeks, he might be married now).

have a safe trip.  go outside as much as you can (fresh air) even just sitting, but moderate walking around would be better. 

[tds]

we are praying very hard so you can recover swiftly and painlessly. warmest, tds

[Bob]

My sympathies...  :-\good luck.  Be sure to come back to pf when you recover.

[pocorina]

Hey, it's Pocorina again. Turns out we have computers here in Scotland, but I only get a chance to use it now and again.

Just been reading all your posts! I'm now a newbie rather than junior member because I deleted my account. 

It's kinda ok here. Got my own room, my own TV. I got this medication that completely knocks me out it makes me so tired. It also has a pain-relieving thing though. Morphine perhpas. The doctor said that seeing as my TB came on so fast and the symptoms were so rapid and sudden, it should also be obvious and noticeable when I start recovering. At least, that's the theory, and I only arrived here this morning.

Well, I'll keep you posted as to how I'm getting on. The medication lasts for nine months, but I won't be here that long!! I'm here for about 6-12 weeks, depending on how I respond to the medication. I won't be taking the drowsy kinda one once I get outta here.

Well, I'll love you and leave you, because Dr. MacFarrel is telling me to come have dinner with the others. I'll tell you about them some other time.

Bye bye

[pocorina]

This is just a little random musing. When I go to the top of the page of this thread, I see that there are all sorts of ads about TB and lung cancer and things. Is that a completely coincidence or is it deliberate?

Well, just managed to sneak out of my room and into the "den" to use the computer, but will go back in a minute. Completely knackered from this medicine and all the fresh air which we are forced to breath all day. This is like quarantine.

[kilini]

It's deliberate. Google text ads scan the pages they are on so that they are "context relevant". They are not usually too successful at actually being useful, though.

I pity you. I had to stay in the hospital for weeks when I had appendicitis.

[pocorina]

I pity you. I had to stay in the hospital for weeks when I had appendicitis.

Well, this isn't so much like hospital. There are only around 30 or 40 of us here, and it's so in the back of beyond. the food is ok, but no one here much feels like eating! people here are from different countries too, the clinic is only for TB.

[kilini]

Sounds like fun.

I had to share a room with tons other people. No TV, no nothing. And I slept on a metal wire bed.

IT WAS TORTURE.

[DarkWind]

Good luck fighting the TB, I hope you get better! I heard that if it was diagnosed quickly, then is shouldn't be a heavy problem to heal.

[puma]

     Glad to see you are making a recovery already.  It's good that you have access to computers (!) and your own tv and own room.  Do you have cable?  I have visited many friends in hospitals, and had to stay in one myself for a little while.  So my advice: Stock up on books.  Plenty of books.  And you may as well keep a journal while you're at it, so then you can look back and laugh (or cry) at the whole experience once you get better and leave the hospital.  Because you will be getting better and leaving, in the time estimated - make sure to keep this as a positive focal point.  You will not be staying in the hospital forever.  It's good to remind yourself of that.
     And it may sound weird, but it is cool, in a way, to have people to share an experience like this with.  Out of 30 people, I'm sure you can find SOMEONE to talk to (other than the docs and nurses).  Even one person who's cool.  If everyone is in there for TB, I'm sure that most of them have professional lives and whatnot it's just a shame that they contracted the disease.  So you can probably find someone to talk to about life, music, or play games, or whatever, without them being crazy as all get-out.  This will also be of help if you have trouble sleeping (another reason to keep the journal).
     The best of luck to you and to enjoy (because it is possible, and it is better to enjoy than go about being depressed or angry about everything) your stay in the hospital.  Sounds like that medicine the doctor is giving you has a narcotic in it which is making you tired - eventually you may build up tolerance, and find that you won't be as sleepy anymore when it's given to you.  Or he's given you an anti-anxiety agent or hypnotic to relieve anxiety / help you sleep.  In any case, I'm sure he's already given you the spiel about how these medicines can be addictive, etc. etc. so I won't bother you about that, use the medicine when you need it, don't be afraid to ask for it if they forget or ask for some tylenol if you need it.  It's also a good idea to familarize yourself with the docs and nurses - at first, there may be so many, it seems difficult, but this will help you in the long run.  Best wishes,
                                                                         Puma

[pocorina]

Well, day two today. Thanks for your suggestions Puma - I feel a bit more positive even though today was hell, and I may start a diary like you said.

Well, I woke up at four in the morning, hacking so hard and blood absoloutely everywhere. It was quite dark, and all I could see were all these huge blood patches all over the sheets, and I got really scared and pressed the "panic button", just before I passed out. I woke a few hours later after some much needed sleep and lots of shock, to be told I had had a small lung haemorage (spelt wrong no doubt). My lungs were aching so much all the rest of the day, and they gave me a lot of morphine. They also gave me this other pain killer (can't remember the name) but I had an allergic reaction to this (rash all over skin and even harder to breath).

I feel a bit better now but still slightly shaky. Haven't eaten all day, except all the sugary foods they forced on me after the mini-haemorage. I didn't lose all that much blood apparently though it looked and felt like a lot at the time.

So I am going to bed shortly I think so I can get a lot of sleep, because I still don't feel all that well. This girl Hannah was talking to me, and she said she had a haemorage once, but much worse than mine, but she is really getting much better these days, so "fingers crossed"!

bye bye

[janice]

I was glad to see that you wrote to give us a report on how you are doing!  Please continue to do that everyday!  I bet that coughing up blood was super scary!  If you are too sick or too tired to write everyday, we understand--more prayers will be said for you if you miss a day!  Keep up the "good work"!  I'm glad that you have talked to this Hannah girl and I hope that she can serve as some sort of "inspiration" to you when times get rough!

[pocorina]

Coughing up blood was a little scary, yeah. To be perfectly honest, I was sure I was going to die.

But it's day three, so a new day. They took me off the pain killer which I was allergic to, so a little more pain now, but no rash, and a little easier to breathe. I have this little bottle full of stuff which is mostly herbal, and it helps me breathe and also to numb my lungs.

Hannah is leaving tomorow, so I don't think I'll be seeing much of her! Mostly I just sit in my room, sucking in morphine and listening to Chopin on my iPod. My window has a view of a lake. I can spend hours by the window, just looking.

There is no piano here, and no way of getting to one. I cannot play my oboe. It wouldn't be so bad, if i had music to console myself. I know they are all talking about me, sitting alone, staring, listening to Chopin. But what else is there to do?

Somebody died today. Gareth Hardy, aged 19. A budding scientist, enjoyed playing chess. He'd been living in university before he came to this clinic, and had stayed un-diagnosed for absoloutely ages. In fact, for about three or four years, right through college too. By the time he got here, it was basically too late. He had been spending all his time hacking into his already bloodstained sheets. The last few days, he had a machine to do his breathing for him. It was inevitable. He died at noon, and I spend all of the rest of the day listening to Chopin's two funeral marches on repeat.

I'll go mad here. People are dying. Other people are leaving, when I'm still here. I've only been here three days but I want to go home already. But I can't, because I'm still contagious. 6-12 weeks gets us out of the "contagious" stage, that's all.

Gareth is having his funeral sometime next week I think. His ashes are being scattered over the lake. Now when i look out of the window, all I will see is a terrible bad omen. What I want is to go for my check-up, and for the doctor to tell me that he made a mistake. I dont' have TB, i can go home.

I should stop deluding myself. I need to go now, to get my dose of painkiller. I'd give it two hours, before I'm fast asleep, knocked out until late tomorow morning.

Bye bye

[etudes]

All the best pocorina i wish you luck better stronger 
RiP Gareth 
btw if u stay the whole time looking at the windows
maybe you can read the chopin score??
but i really sorry that i dont know what is Tuberculosis (am not good in english)but i wish you all the best

[pocorina]

All the best pocorina i wish you luck better stronger 
RiP Gareth 
btw if u stay the whole time looking at the windows
maybe you can read the chopin score??
but i really sorry that i dont know what is Tuberculosis (am not good in english)but i wish you all the best

Tuberculosis is a disease of the lungs caused by bacteria which makes you cough up blood and will eventually cause death if left untreated. Tuberculosis (more commonly called TB) was what killed Chopin

[etudes]

thank you for your imformation
yeah i know it often called TB but i never know what is that
thank and best wish
all the best we will see you play on the stage after u get better 

[sznitzeln]

Hang in there... you are going to make it...
My grandfather had it too... and the medicines werent invented when he got it...
But after some time they did invent them, I think he had TB twice... and he also had lungcancer, and many other things... Humans can take some serious beating

Hope you'll be well soon!

[lagin]

Yah, Pocorina, keep hanging on.  You'll be fine.  They caught you early, and your getting treatment right away.  Besides Janice, I'm praying for you too.  God's done alot of real miracles in my family's life, so I know it works .

[puma]

   Yeah dude, you said that the docs caught your TB early so your chances are greater - so hang in there.  Bummer about Garrett but, unfortunately, he was walking around all that time without his illness being diagnosed or treated.  (RIP) Main thing is you're getting it treated, the timing is good, and it sounds like the doctors know their stuff.  And if you feel like listening to Chopin's funeral marches all day to get through it, then hell, that's what you do.  I know it's difficult when something like that happens, but you do need to keep your spirits up.  Know you're going to get better.  Let us know how it goes and our prayers are with you.  Peace,
                                                 Puma

[Bob]

Hang in there Pocorina!

How do they treat TB?

Maybe you can work on aural skills and theory or score study to help time pass?  Or lots of listening?


Maybe this thread will help cheer you up?
https://www.pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,4751.0.html

[pocorina]

Day five today.

To Bob: in answer to your question they are curing my TB with a combination of medication (herbal and chemical), and the fresh air here in Scotland (a little old-fashioned maybe but certainly a help). And thanks SO MUCH for the snail thread, which i hadn't noticed. It made me laugh SO much. And the best thing is, even though i was laughing so hard, I didn't bring up any blood whilst doing so.

My kidneys hurt A LOT though, so I am sitting here clutching a hot water bottle into the small of my back. I have been asked to play Chopin's funeral March at Gareth's funeral!!! Somehow they got wind of my piano-playing abilities, and decided they would save their money instead of employing another musician ( ). Still, I'm quite pleased actually. It gives me something to do. At least I will have five minutes on a piano, because it is going to be HELL without one to play.

The reason my kidneys are hurting is because the TB might have spread to those too (it's not just the lungs!). But not to worry, it's unlikely to spread anywhere else now that my treatment has started, and it's not quite as serious (one can have a kidney transplant). It just means that i get a lot of back ache, and it stings when i pee (with some blood in - BLECH!!)

Anyhow, I'm feeling a little better. Somebody kissed me!!!!!  Last night, it was dark after we had all gone to bed, and the door opened and shut really quietly. Somebody came and perched on the end of my bed. I sat up quickly, but they just put their fingers on their lips and said "Sshhhh, Remy, don't say anything", and then kissed me. Real quick, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything at all, and then they left. WHO WAS IT??? I still haven't worked it out, and it was very dark. So now i am searching every guy's face for a clue!! wish me luck with this!

Bye bye for now, Remy (you may as well know my real name).

[tds]

Day five today.

Anyhow, I'm feeling a little better. Somebody kissed me!!!!!  Last night, it was dark after we had all gone to bed, and the door opened and shut really quietly. Somebody came and perched on the end of my bed. I sat up quickly, but they just put their fingers on their lips and said "Sshhhh, Remy, don't say anything", and then kissed me. Real quick, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything at all, and then they left. WHO WAS IT??? I still haven't worked it out, and it was very dark. So now i am searching every guy's face for a clue!! wish me luck with this!

Bye bye for now, Remy (you may as well know my real name).

oh oh, it sounds like the beginning a romantic pursue. tds

ps. ehh, remy, do you have a snail?

[pocorina]

As it happens, I do not have a snail!! And I still haven't worked out who the guy is. Benjy was giving me some funny looks, but I'm veering more towards this strange mysterious-type guy....I think his name is Vikram.

Anyhow. Here is a snail named Ralphe:   _@/

[pianonut]

dear porcorina,

everyone here is glad when you post!  we can sympathize and understand because it's much like starting out at piano. there's a long way to go to get better and you have to pace yourself.  not getting too elated when you think you are better.  don't overdo!  it sound like right now you are at the mercy of obtaining the benefits of the med's asap.  i hope you rest a lot and do exactly what the doctors tell you.

and, as far as someone kissing you -- they may have a good heart -- but if they also have tb - i would post a message on your door that you prefer not to be disturbed at night.  it may do you better to kiss onions.  did you know that onions have a natural antibiotic that is extremely good for your lungs.  you could request extra on your food, if they don't serve it already.  (eggs/onions, onion soup, lots of onions in salad)

if i recall a bit of what i was told to eat, i think they also recommended protein.  my mom (when i was coughing a lot) made this strange soup - she called 'graveyard soup' made of warm milk and an egg poached in it.  usually she'd put a piece of toast in the middle and it was easy to eat and made me feel stronger.

we hope so much you don't suffer any more than necessary to get better.  perhaps limiting your talking and having a pad to write on will keep you from coughing attacks.  also, to keep your laundry in a closed contained place (preferably out of your room)

our prayers are with you now and always until you are better!!  the best book you can read is the bible.  it will keep you in God's love and not wishing for any other sooner than when you find the right person (not a convenient person).  the right person will understand you better than most, and 'be there' through it all.  it might be someone at your clinic, or it might not.  don't let someone else decide.  you decide for yourself (not by the romance level) by getting to know everyone and setting standards and boundaries that you want them to stick to (respecting your person and privacy).  if it were me (and Janice), we'd probably say -- ok, it's not the person that invaded your privacy at night (since they had ample opportunity in the day) but it would be a person that comes to cheer you up during regular hours.  people who prey on those who are sick (or spread their own sickness) are jerks - no matter how 'good intentioned' they appear. 

[lagin]

Amen!

[Bob]

Pocorina.  That person invaded your privacy.  You should report it.  It's not right.  Might be something more to it.

[galonia]

pocorina, are you still on morphine?

Morphine can cause halucinations and confusion - it's very very real - my grandfather was convinced that someone was coming to kill him when he had to use morphine during his hospital stay.  Another friend got cut out of his father's will because his father was convinced the son was trying to do him in.

As the others have said, I'd be worried if someone unknown came into my room and kissed me; or else it was a function of the morphine.  Either way, you should talk to one of the doctors about it.

[pocorina]

It's funny you should mention the morphine, because that had occured to me too, before today. Yes, I am still on morphine.

I have found out who it is. It was Vikram! Just goes to show how perceptive I am. He came up to me during the day (after lunch) and said he was sorry for last night, and it was a spur-of-the-moment thing as he was walking past my room. He said he felt guilty, and hoped he hadn't scared/annoyed me. I told him it was ok, but I would prefer to be able to see him so I know who it was!! He said he thought I could see him anyway. He's about 2 or 3 years older than me, and kinda nice, but he's quite weird at the same time. He has this intense stare that is really freaky, and has dark haunted eyes. Vikram is bizzare, and he caught his TB from a badger (this sounds stupid but I researched this and actually it's a real risk - if you find a dead badger you should never touch it, because it's about 70% likely you'll catch TB off it if you do!!). 

Just when I thought I had got rid of him, I went back into my room and he had left a poem on my windowsill. I'll type it up here, just to amuse you all!:

I'd hold you right until the end:
Our love would pay it's dividend.
I'd wipe away your every tear,
I'd kiss away your deepest fear.

I'll tell you every thought I feel:
Nurture our love and make it real.
Your eyes will crease with silent laughter,
I love you here, now, and thereafter.

But the night was a dream; the day is real,
The sun will kiss our moon away.
Will you ever know just how I feel?
Love turns to guilt, as night to day.

If you forget all else, remember this:
Just keep my love clenched in your fist.
Save it; for the day it tears you apart;
You'll still be right there in my heart.

Really strange, huh? This just about sums up the kind of person Vikram is: strange. Maybe if I get to know him, it'll become clearer.

Day 6 and I'm feeling ok, but not quite as good as yesterday. Didn't cough up blood once yesterday, but I am doing little else today. I spent the morning being taken to and from the hospital ward to have more chest x-rays done (seems they lost the last lot they took - incompetent Scottish doctors!)

Well, I better go!

Bye,  Remy 

[janice]

Pocorina,
When is Gareth's funeral?

[pianonut]

yes. ? it doesn't sound like you are in any kind of condition to be asked to play the piano for his funeral.  of course, sometimes being needed makes us feel better, so maybe you'd like to.  anyway, i hope you don't overdo.  especially moving around and coughing from it.  i hope you stay as still as you can and rest.

the poetry Vikram writes is touching.  it sounds like he really likes you.  am glad you are not hasty and let him invade your privacy without giving you some time to think.  it's good he apologized for anything that would scare you.  i hope that he comes around to cheer you up and not take advantage of you.  if he is clear on this, then you probably don't need to tell the staff, but if he does strange things again - you may have to.

who knows.  maybe he's really your guy.  i guess that it's hard to tell when you are sick.  if he sticks by you for the long haul, he might be the one!  don't give up on life.  think positive and do your best to cheer him up, too.  a badger?  who'd have thought?

[janice]

Have patience with Vikram.  I know that it's kind of annoying when guys act so "desperate".  Maybe he has never had a girlfriend, or maybe he just needs some "guidance".  A long time ago, I knew a guy who liked me, but I sensed that it was out of "desperation" and I was thoroughly annoyed.  But he was just inexperienced, and didn't realize that he was "going overboard".  Now, we are good buddies, and nothing has ever gone beyond that.  I cherish our friendship just the way it is.  Maybe Vikram would be a good friend, maybe more--who knows.  Hey, I know--I think that this whole thing would be a great plot for a romance novel or a movie!!  I admit, to begin with I thought that the kissing-you-in-the-middle-of-the-night incident was a hallucination!! But you should sell the plot to Hollywood!!  LOL

May I ask, how old are you?

[pianonut]

janice, we must be twins because i was just thinking the same thought about a romance novel plot.  i was thinking, 'what if porcorina was hallucinating and told vikram what happened.  he wanted her to think that he did it, because he secretly liked her, so he confessed (even tho it wasn't him).  then, to add more mystery he leaves poetry in her window - hoping it will convice her that he actually scaled the wall to get into the window to leave it for her.  silently, leaving out the door (and not the window) while porcorina is in the bathroom, it makes her feel as though the wind is vikram when she reenters and finds beautiful poetry at her window.  is vikram real?  he sounds too good to be true.  she must test his ability to speak french to her.  if he responds to her question at lunchtime 'je ne me sens pas bien' (i don't feel well) then he might be her man.  YEs!  he understood.  he even said 'qu' est-ce qui ne va pas? (what's wrong)  so, porcorina answers 'je vais vomir' (i'm going to be sick)  now if two people can endure the worst moments of each other's lives and still be interested - they actually might have an enduring love.  vikram responds 'je suis vraiment desole (i'm really sorry about this)  porcorina ends with 'ill y a une pharmacie ouverte pres d'ice (is there a pharmacy around here)

please forgive me, because if i make you laugh, you will cough, and then you will be sick again.  i am rooting for you 100% and vikram too - despite him admitting to something he might or might not have done.  if he does have a good imagination and is good natured about situations it might mean that he's a good man after all.  who knows? 

[pianonut]

just in case you need to tell the staff:

je ne veux pas faire d'ennuis, mais...ll y a un homme qui me suit.
(i don't want to cause trouble, but...a man's following me.)

[pocorina]

Hilarious! I am laughing and coughing!

Incidentally, I am in Scotland and have no need for French!

And in answer to your question, I am 14.

More later - got to go for morphine!

[pocorina]

Day 8 (see, I've already been here ages!). Just thought I'd tell y'all about today, even though you are probably very bored of hearing about me and my TB.

Vikram left a rose on my pillow. Before you ask, I have NO idea where he had gotten the rose from - perhaps he has contacts? We are quite literally almost in the middle of nowhere. So, anyway, I said to him "was it you that left the rose"? And he said yes.

Oh, and it was Gareth's funeral yesterday, and I played the Funeral March. I said to Vikram; "how can you claim to like me so much when you hardly even know me?", and he said "I know you more than I know myself - they say a picture's worth 1000 words, but a few bars of your exquisite piano playing is worth more words to me than any language can sustain."

I wonder how long it took him to think that one up...

But it's not all poetry and roses. Vikram is really sick. He's been here 14 weeks and still no hope of getting better. I just hope that having such strong feelings for me can help to heal him...

And I just realised where he got the rose from!!! There were rose bushes growing outside the church where there was the funeral.

I don't feel as though I can be getting better. I was in bed for around 2 hours this afternoon with a soaring fever, hacking and sweating and coughing up blood (that sounds so gross). Vikram sat there the whole time on the end of my bed looking all awkward like he didn't know what to say. He doesn't have to say anything - he's been there before, and he's still there every day. He said to me "No one is really expecting me to live very long, you know. I've outlived every doctor's prediction, and this clinic was a last-chance thing; I keep fighting and fighting but I'm not sure I have the energy anymore. But I couldn't wait to tell you how I feel - I had to make sure you knew before I died."

He's so scared of dying. He says he didn't used to fear death when it was what he expected, but since he met me the rules have changed and now suddenly he has "something to live for". 

I'll keep you posted

Remy

[janice]

Day 8 (see, I've already been here ages!). Just thought I'd tell y'all about today, even though you are probably very bored of hearing about me and my TB.

Speaking for myself, I can tell you that I check this thread often to see if you have posted yet for the day. I think that it's accurate to say that many other members look forward to your posts.  I can fully understand how you feel like you've been there forever.  I'm sorry. I know it's hard.  Hard, but necessary.  Plus being stuck in the middle of nowhere doesn't help.

  Vikram left a rose on my pillow. Before you ask, I have NO idea where he had gotten the rose from - perhaps he has contacts? We are quite literally almost in the middle of nowhere. So, anyway, I said to him "was it you that left the rose"? And he said yes.

OMG!!!  This guy is hot for you, girl!

Oh, and it was Gareth's funeral yesterday,   

and I played the Funeral March   

Tell us more!!  How did it go?  I bet everyone loved it!  How did it feel playing on a piano?  Did you savor the moment?  Did you get to warm up?

  I said to Vikram; "how can you claim to like me so much when you hardly even know me?", and he said "I know you more than I know myself - they say a picture's worth 1000 words, but a few bars of your exquisite piano playing is worth more words to me than any language can sustain."
   

<gasp>!!

I wonder how long it took him to think that one up...   

LOL.  Actually, I know this sounds odd, but when life has dealt you a hard blow, sometimes you are forced to grow-up very very fast.  So maybe his thoughts and feelings have suddenly matured.  Maybe he is able to "go deep", better than a 40-year-old.  What I mean is, his life isn't about fun and games anymore (neither is yours), he is now staring death in the face.  That can make people grow up very fast, and feel that they can't even relate to those who have never experienced this.  He feels a real "bond" with you.  Just take it slow.  Allow him to work thru his feelings and be patient with him.  (Most men need us women to "spoon-feed" them!  LOL  Ok, I will get some nasty PM's!  Oh, speaking of PMs, I sent you a private message last week, Pocorina.  Did you get it?)

Vikram is really sick. He's been here 14 weeks and still no hope of getting better.     

  I don't feel as though I can be getting better. 

I know it doesn't feel that way.  Here's some words of wisdom--TRUST the doctors, trust their experience with this.  It's hard, I know.  But tell yourself that you WILL NOT analyze it, or dwell on it, but that you will just have faith that the doctors know what they are doing.

    Vikram sat there the whole time on the end of my bed looking all awkward like he didn't know what to say. 

Sickness and death can make us feel and act awkward.  But the thing is, Pocorina, he DIDN'T LEAVE YOU!  He wanted to be there with you!

[pianonut]

dear pocorina,

you are 14!  you sound very mature, and yet very scared yourself.  i'm sure anyone would be at any age.  somehow, i understand vikram wanting to encourage you - yet, because tb is transmissable - i hope he doesn't try to kiss you.  it's just not a good idea for close contact.  he may think you are both on the same level of tb - but you really don't know.  perhaps one or the other will get better faster.  wait until you are better and older.  God must know how much you want to experience love and how you appreciate the kindness of vikram.  you need your mom or dad around, it sounds!  do they call often?  if not, janice and i will be your second mom's.  i think we both feel for your very difficult situation and relate it (as i would) to our own family.  say if one member was sick, the other members would do everything in their power to 'be there' and help that person get better.

when you don't have immediate family around, life is much tougher.  you have to have a certain strength that other people don't posess.  praying is a good solution.  praying for peace of mind.  for healing. for comfort.  and, meditating outside or near the window.  you can see in creation the great care God takes for the flowers and grass (smallest elements).  if he can take care of the lillies (which don't 'toil') how much more He will care for you.  even if the worst happens, and you die (which i don't wish and pray for your complete recovery), He will hold your hand and make things right.  relax, if you ever get to that point, and feel His presence.  death has no 'sting' over those who trust.  in this life, there is only death to look forward to at the end.  in the next (i believe) there is only life and joy.  tell God you believe what He says (faith) and you will be counted as a righteous person.  (abraham believed and it was counted to him as righteousness).

i realize, too, in my above message that the french was out of place.  i think part of trusting God is doing what he says.  having patience to get through childhood and trusting that he will bring you love at the right time.  you are so young.  enjoy the time you have to JUST BE YOU.  boyfriends at too early an age will make you think you are incomplete, when actually you are quite complete (just learning who YOU are).  get to know yourself.  set some boundaries. pretend as if your mom or janice and i were visiting you whenever you need us there.  moms are for hugging and keeping you safe.  dad's are too.  but, most of all, God is.  feel his love for you more than anyone elses.  I will look up places in the bible that speak of how deep his love is.  it allows us all to be individuals - to grow into who we are - yet, changes us to be more concerned about others than ourselves (vikram sounds very mature this way - yet needs to give you some space considering your age).

[pianonut]

dear porcorina,

my son brought home the shakespeare play 'romeo and juliet' to answer some homework questions.  when i helped him, i couldn't help but think of you and vikram.  (sorry to go back and forth).  i keep thinking, what would i do if i were so young so sick?  the natural thing in life is to go for love.  the rose was a very beautiful thing for him to give you.  there's a certain positiveness in love that probably does help people not only get over sickness but feel really well all the time.  don't be pushed into a relationship, but set boundaries so when the time is right (at least 18, ok!!!) you have a future.  you sound very beautiful and very bright.  don't mess it up with adding to tb a pregnancy or anything.  keep it simple!  appreciate vikram as a very close friend, but explain you're not ready for anything more.

if you consider christians as your family, janice and i will be your stand in mom's.  when i was young, i looked at the future as a kind of box that you unwrap slowly (finding out more and more about yourself and the world around you).  when you have a crisis, you need someone to keep the box at the place where it is wrapped and not try to unwrap it completely in one sitting (no matter how sick you are).  mom's help you do this.  they give you the unconditional love that you need and put a safety net around you, by being near or in the room that you are at night.  since we cannot be there in person, we would wish to in spirit and heart.  we'll pray for God to ensure your safety, your getting better quickly, and for you to have the ability to resist pressures that others might put on you to mature faster than you should.

Jesus said to his disciples when they brought a child to him "whoever receives this child in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me; for he who is least among you, this is the one who is great."  you are of much worth to God and he seems to understand your maturity level being beyond perhaps many adults.  don't dissappoint him by turning away and not praying.  Do pray.  do ask.  he waits for praise, petitions, and thanks.  even if your prayers are not answered immediately.  pray for vikram.  pray for his healing and the space he needs to give you.  ask for wisdom in making good decisions.  this will ensure a future where you have more control, instead of letting life control you.  (this is where parents come in to help in decision making - so your life is fully yours at 18 and not bound by problems that could have been avoided).  even between 18-24 years people sometimes change a lot.  vikram is probably the first of many many guys that will be infatuated by you.  just consider it a compliment, and keep on making your goal RECOVERY. 

[pocorina]

Thanks, Janice, for dissecting and commenting on my post!  Maybe I agree that sickness forces us to mature, and so therefore Vikram is so foreward, because he is sick. But so am I!! I may only be 14, but socially people say I act older. Sure, I look 14, but I don't always act it.

Anyway! Day nine. A bit mixed, to be honest. The sun was streaming through my window at some rediculous hour (too early) which completely woke me up (must remember to draw the blinds), so I spent the rest of the night (lol) listening to Chopin again.

Anyway, at about seven-ish, there was this really soft knock at the door, followed by a really quiet voice, going "Hey, Remy, you awake?". So I let him in (you guessed it - it was indeed Vikram), and he wandered over to the window. I was like standing there in this really tiny black lace nightie, with all my hair messed up (it's white-blonde naturally!).

Anyway, so Vikram takes a deep breath, and then he says "I have to be honest with you Remy." Then he turns around to look at me.

"I have never felt quite like I do right now, at this very moment, with you, EVER before. That sounds a little silly, and maybe over-dramatic, but hey that's how I feel. I can understand you if you say you never want me to talk to you again. I can understand if you reject me. You can stop me from seeing you but you can't stop me from loving you."

After this little outburst I am quite literally speechless, but he goes on:

"And you may think that even if we did give it a go, it would be pointless anyway because sooner or later one of us would leave the clinic, be it on a train or in a plastic bag. But let me tell you one thing - I will still be here if you leave. I could stay here infinately, because nothing ever works. But in eight weeks or whenever when you leave, I'll leave with you."

Quite touching, so I say "But then you won't get better. It's not worth it."

"I won't get better anyway," he sighs. "But it is worth it, if i get to spend my last months with you, Remy." And then he walks up to me, looking me in the eye the whole time, and lifts my chin and kisses me in such a feeling and passionate way that all doubt of his love is erased from my mind. And so we stay like this for minutes, hours, days, years, a lifetime; eternity. Who knows? And can I really let him into my life like this?

And then he is gone, and I am back with Chopin, and my duvet, and my cough. And my fears, and hopes, my desires and my tears.

I'll keep you posted,

Remy 

[janice]

And can I really let him into my life like this?

Yes you can, but just what do you mean by that?  Remember, make recovery your focus.  Keep your values--don't let a guy take advantage of you.  Even if he is dying.  If you think about it, we are ALL dying.  Most don't know when they will die, but some do.  Yes, you can let him into your life and heart (I can't believe I am writing all this to a 14-year-old!!  I'm old enough to be your mother! lol), but don't do something you will regret, or just because you feel sorry for him.  BTW--how old is Vikram?  Also, what country did you live in before you came to the clinic?  What country is Vikram from?

[Bob]

Pocorina, you can come chat with us if it cheers you up.  If you have an aim name, send it to Janice, or just log on.  There are chat thread in the misc area or anything but piano from Janice, and there's one in the pf site board where I tell how to log yourself into the aim pf chat.

[pianonut]

why did you say 'but then you won't get better' to vikram.  i hope you haven't given up.  don't give up.  just give in to the position that you are temporarily in.  relax.  recuperate.  don't try hard to do anything.  and, don't wear that black negligee when vikrams around (mom's speaking).  you're much too young.  enjoy white.  the color doesn't last long in this world, but you know, you're worth it.  consider yourself cherished already.  things that are valuable are harder to get.  start setting times that he can or can't visit.  if 7:00 is ok.  and he knows it...be dressed.  it is somewhat overwhelming to see a miss monroe at any time of the day or night probably for most guys, so i would tell him that was not something that you planned.  (and don't plan - as you don't need more troubles at this point).

Remy, it sounds like you need the security of your parents or someone who's a guardian.  i don't understand why no one is there with you - of your relatives.  i feel for your situation and prayed for you many times today.  when you are young, people take advantage because they see your depression.  parents are there to say encouraging things, lessening the need for others to be the encouragement and physical connection.  i wish you could find a nurse or doctor that would take on the role of your missing parents and look out for you.  don't just say ' i'm sick, i might die...therefore, i don't care.'  things always look the worst before they get better!!!  tell vikram he's cool, but he has to wait at least four more years.  that he won't get any 'booty' tonight or a glimpse of the negligee because you are exchanging it for some comfy t-shirt and shorts.  think about your worth.  decide to be different and make him work for you (for four years).  you know jacob worked for rachel seven.  that must have made her feel like she was worth something to him, and her dad wouldn't marry her off so young either!  babies have a hard time having babies.  you're just getting used to your body and need some time to grow into it.  start reading more in the evening so you will not be distracted by long talks at that time.  tell vikram you prefer to talk during the day.

[puma]

     Wow, pocorina, a lot has happened in the nine days since you've been there.  A lot of emotional ups and downs, but I remember what it's like to be 14, and that's quite normal at this age.  You just need to be careful (easier said than done).  One, you have to be concerned about the possible spread of tb that has been voiced by some of the concerned members on piano forum (I'm not quite sure about what the exact deal is, you'd have to ask the docs).  I think some of the forum members here are being overprotective, and the reason they are being overprotective is because they have been 14, are much older now and, having accrued wisdom, would like to spare you the pain of suffering through something terrible like a break-up, especially in your condition right now.  There is a saying: caveat emptor.  It's latin for buyer beware.  So you need to be careful of what you are "buying" or getting into.  Sure, you can hang out with Vikram all you want.  But you may not know who you exactly are hanging out with.   You may not know until you have "bought" into him and his personality, etc. and have made a very important decision in your life.
     I'm not saying you can't have fun.  As I mentioned, I've had to visit the hospital numerous times for friends who were sick, and I've been in the hospital myself, and I think the key to getting better and a faster recovery is actually enjoying yourself in the hospital and keeping busy, which it seems you are doing. 
    I've also been 14 and I remember listening to all the advice, nodding my head, and then forgetting 90% of what was just said.  It's a little bit different since you are in a different situation.  It seems like you are a smart, young woman and I am proud of the fact that you were able to play the piano for Garrett's funeral.  I think the advice of keeping a time to meet with Vikram would be a smart one - keeping a time to meet with someone is always a smart move.  Even if you're head over heels for this guy and think he's the best guy in the world.  He'll make time for you if he really likes you.  Above all, keep your spirits up, don't be afraid to ask the docs for help, and keep posting.  Best,
               Puma