internet/long distance relationships...can they work?

[stevie]

i have a friend *cough* who has fallen for a girl on the internet, she lives over 200 miles from him, but they care a great deal about eachother and want to meet.

problem is, their lives are divergent and it would take some sacrifices or compromises for them to actually be together...can it work out somehow?

i gave them the idea that maybe they should meet half way for a day, and see how it goes, and then make that a regular thing...if that goes well they should talk about ways to get together more often or ideally live closer to eachother(although this is very difficult for both of them)..

anyway, since this is a pretty new phenomenon, and quite an interesting(and surprisingly common) one, what are your views?

is there a way they can make it work? and in general do these kind of relationships work?

[ted]

It is only the computer aspect which is new. Many married couples started as pen-friends, including my wife and I. We wrote for four years before marrying in 1980. I visited her country and we spent time together about halfway through our correspondence. I think that meeting in person is more or less essential, although some couples agree to marry without it.

I have grave reservations about the internet and email because of the speed involved. With handwritten letters there is ample time to know somebody in depth and to think slowly and surely. Emails and chat seem too quick to allow adequate thought concerning what is a very important chain of events.

I am also in two minds about starting even letter writing with the sole declared object of finding a mate. Friendship is very important to a marriage. We were simply pen-friends for well over two years and talked about everything under the sun. It wasn't until some time after actually meeting that we discussed the viability of marriage.

You can get to know an awful lot about somebody through letter writing but I remain sceptical that the same insight can grow through electronic communication. I realise that people do it every day but I also know that it has led to many misunderstandings and tragedies, largely because of the excessive speed and lack of time to think.

[leahcim]

Assuming she isn't really a truck driver from Arkansas called Billy Bob, it might work, it might not same as meeting someone at a bus stop, a pub, a school.

The first question I'd ask myself [rhetorically that is - it's none of my business for the actual people involved here] is why they don't have a relationship IRL with someone on the next block / at the same college or whatever? There are plenty of good answers, of course, but I'd ask myself that - why meet someone on the internet rather than face to face... and not only meet them [which is like "Hey Sharon, fancy a pint / game of tennis next week, a few of us from the blah blah site are going?"] but get to the point where they are talking as though they're in a relationship before they've met?

So, if you'd said "My mate has met someone on the internet, they have a laugh and a joke, she lives 200 miles away, should they meet up and have a date?" I'd think it stood a better chance than the idea I get from your post that your friend believes himself to be in some kind of relationship already. The advice would just be "meet somewhere public, tell someone where you're going" blah blah.

Remember, on the internet no one can punch you in the face, see your reactions, know who you really are etc whilst at the same time it's easier to be open when discussing things that people generally don't IRL unless they are very good friends or more - see the catch? Even excluding the outright dishonest / malicious stuff that goes on and the white lies about their looks / skills / beliefs "Yeah I love status quo too!", the chances are the environment may have changed the way the people behave even if they are honest, and thus your friend or the girl may care an awful lot for someone who isn't going to be the person they meet.

So my advice would be to meet as friends, perhaps with other friends and see where it goes, if anywhere.

As for the 200 mile thing, for a IRL relationship I'd say it was ultimately doomed [people generally form relationships to share their lives / free time, for intimacy and ultimately because women are warm and cuddly] 200 miles away for a protracted length of time and it's difficult to see which of those aspects of a relationship you can have, especially if you don't have a relationship to begin with. Moreso if there's not already a long term relationship / commitment there where the 2 people have planned the time apart knowing each other and knowing at some future point it will cease.

If the people don't know each other and if they are at a stage where they are making many decisions about where they are going to live, what they are going to do with their lives etc I'd say the 2 of them should think very hard about whether "sacrifices" the other makes to be with them might be selfish if they let them. Sometimes caring for someone means telling them to go and do what they were going to do all along, rather than letting them chuck something in to be with you. Especially if the relationship doesn't work out and that old devil called resentment rears its head. After all, that sacrifice / compromise they might be about to do was probably one of the things that you liked about them in the first place.

But for a internet relationship it'll be the same I guess, so your friend will have exactly what he thinks he has now - if that's a relationship, go for it.

[Dazzer]

been there done that

well they CAN work. but the further the distance the harder it gets

for me, i didn't want her to end up waiting for me for the next 10 odd years we may never meet. So i told her to find someone else. We're still great friends, and she's getting married in a couple of months

all's good

[Bouter Boogie]

I don't think it'll really works, though.. I'm afraid most long distance relationships won't last that long

[Siberian Husky]

the most horrible thing ever

[Jacey1973]

I don't think it'll really works, though.. I'm afraid most long distance relationships won't last that long

I agree. But then if you see too much of someone that can be bad too. Guess it's a balance, but living near each other is a must i would have thought.

[thalbergmad]

I don't think it'll really works, though.. I'm afraid most long distance relationships won't last that long

[abell88]

I know two couples who met over the internet and married.

1. Younger couple (university age) -- in two different continents, met in a chat room used by people of their religion. Corresponded by email, progressed to phoning; he came to visit for a few weeks; she visited his family, and eventually they married. They lived here in Canada for a few years, and have now moved back to his country. They're happy, but it is/was a sacrifice for her to leave her family and friends and move to Europe.

2. Guy in his 30s, divorced, met a slightly younger woman across the country through a match-making service (again, faith-based). She came for a visit; he moved out there; they married a year ago. So far, so good.

I'm also aware of a few marriages that broke up because of internet romances...not so good.  I'd have to agree with Ted, that you really need to get to know the person first.

[stevie]

glad to see some positive stories! 

[Derek]

It is only the computer aspect which is new. Many married couples started as pen-friends, including my wife and I. We wrote for four years before marrying in 1980. I visited her country and we spent time together about halfway through our correspondence. I think that meeting in person is more or less essential, although some couples agree to marry without it.

I have grave reservations about the internet and email because of the speed involved. With handwritten letters there is ample time to know somebody in depth and to think slowly and surely. Emails and chat seem too quick to allow adequate thought concerning what is a very important chain of events.

I am also in two minds about starting even letter writing with the sole declared object of finding a mate. Friendship is very important to a marriage. We were simply pen-friends for well over two years and talked about everything under the sun. It wasn't until some time after actually meeting that we discussed the viability of marriage.

You can get to know an awful lot about somebody through letter writing but I remain sceptical that the same insight can grow through electronic communication. I realise that people do it every day but I also know that it has led to many misunderstandings and tragedies, largely because of the excessive speed and lack of time to think.

I think that has a lot to do with the individuals involved. I have been corresponding with a girl over the internet for about three years now, and we're very good friends and I daresay know quite a bit about each other. Whether this will lead to more than friendship in the future I'm not really certain at this point, but we've never felt inclined to rush into any sort of committment or visiting each other or anything.

So I think the truth is that today's fast paced technology sometimes influences the mindset of individuals; but for those who still take time to smell the roses, it is merely an added convenience.

[Siberian Husky]

I think that has a lot to do with the individuals involved. I have been corresponding with a girl over the internet for about three years now, and we're very good friends and I daresay know quite a bit about each other. Whether this will lead to more than friendship in the future I'm not really certain at this point, but we've never felt inclined to rush into any sort of committment or visiting each other or anything.

So I think the truth is that today's fast paced technology sometimes influences the mindset of individuals; but for those who still take time to smell the roses, it is merely an added convenience.

yeah this probably sums it up i couldnt quite put my finger on it..but impatience and the fickleness that has been more prevalent in our generations also contributes to these kinds of relationships...it is also very easy to"cheat" (so to speak) in online relationships..if your partner were to be cheating..you could only go by text and perhaps an emoticon smiley to reassure you he/she "wasnt"...no inflections..facial expressions...avaibalble important observations pauses in conversations...and i think people see this as an excellent opportunity to feed their emotions...meeting several people over the internet and courting has been an overdone practice...

PS: Derek makes stuff up

[Derek]

PS: Derek makes stuff up

hey, you're right!

[athykay]

Cool graphic.  I think I'm in love with Derek.

[Siberian Husky]

frikkin sweet @$$ t shirt..i'll buy it for 47 dollars

[pianistimo]

you don't have $47. because you spent it on dog food.  oh, yes, and dinner last night with your girlfriend.  but, that's ok.  i'll buy it for you with my savings *checks to see if there are any savings. 

[ako]

I also know a couple who met over the Internet and they married. They're still living apart because she couldn't find a job where he's living. THey're in their 50s now, I think.

[Bouter Boogie]

Awwwwwwwwwww

[da jake]

No.

[e60m5]

In response to topic question:

No.

[stevie]

slightly harsh, care to elaborate upon why? bitter experience?

[m4ul]

slightly harsh, care to elaborate upon why? bitter experience?

In your case, Turnbull....the more distance...the better.

[e60m5]

slightly harsh, care to elaborate upon why? bitter experience?

Hahaa, Turnbull, no. I was never pathetic enough to think that staring at a computer screen and typing words into a machine constituted a relationship.

There's this thing called "Human interaction" which is a cornerstone of any relationship. Ever heard of it?

[stevie]

sure, but not all of us are lucky enough to live in the same area as that 'special someone'.

and m4ul makes a good point, for some people this is an easier way to get into a relationship, some people are just incurable failures at plucking up the courage to ask someone out in person, let alone starting a relationship.