Hilarious criticism of the performer

[Bob]

(Someone please start a "nice truly sincere compliments" thread to balance this one out please.  What are some real things you can say to compliment someone's performance?)



You're heard it. 

You've thought it. 

What would it look like if you actually wrote it down?




"You're playing was good.  Next time, please try playing some correct notes."

"I'm a big fan of dissonance and I really like clusters.  I'm just don't remember that many clusters in the Moonlight Sonata."
 
"You convey great emotion to the audience.  I can feel the tension and mental anguish while you perform."

"I heard your performance on the radio... I'm glad it was on the radio."

"Next time, don't suck as much, ok?."

"You're playing reminded me that the piano works by hammering the strings.  I guess it really is a percussion instrument too huh?"

"I particularly enjoyed the spot where you spontaneously improvised a short utterance.  It really covered that mistake up well, so well I almost didn't notice it because I was focusing on your choice of words."

"I can tell you've been listening to a lot of music boxes lately."

"I like the way you bring out the 'pah's' in the 'ohm, pah, pah' section.  It reminded me of fiercely determined madman plodding along with fierce determination, determinedly, and with much resolution.  Not everyone is so daring as to bring out the accompaniment over the melody like that.  I even forgot it was a waltz for a moment.  Those 3/4 measures you turned into four quarter time were superb.  Nice job!"

You must be quite adept at slicing meat.  You certainly butchered that piece nicely."

"I believe what you have just done to that piano is illegal."

"You have the hands of a saint!  A saint bernard!"  (St. Bernhard, lol

"With some practice and hard work, you will be able to walk onstage without tripping and stay on the piano bench the entire performance."

"Don't flick the audience off after you finish performing next time.  It's rude."

"We'll call you."

"Congratuations on performing that piece without having practiced it much.  You're pretty smart.  No one could tell."

"Dude!  You got Beethoven in your Mozart and Mozart in your Beethoven!  It's like totally Mozen man!"


"Ask your teacher what 'practicing' is."

"Ask your teacher what (fill in the blank -- dynamics, articulation, tone...) is."

"Please, please, please! find a teacher."


"Hang in there!  Someday you'll leap to the correct bass notes during the fortissimo passage."

"Dramatically cracking your knuckles just before you perform only adds to your performance mystique.  Way to go!"

"Your playing is very mysterious.  I still don't know what that was."

"Sucks when the fallboard comes down on your hands like that doesn't it?  And then to have the whole piano lid crash down on your fingers after that!  Unbelieveable!"

"The piano rolled away from you on purpose during the performance.  I don't think it likes you much."

"You didn't know it, but the guy who performed just before you didn't wash his hands.  Thought I'd let you know. "

"I feel so sorry for the piano."

"You really need to get some stomach anti-acid.  Those silences are supposed to be absolutely quiet.  And please don't lean over like that."

"You have a lot of potential.  Lot of potential.  So much potential and room for improvement."

"I thought the piece was pretty long to begin with, but your choice of tempo reminded me I was right.  Looping back to the exposition instead of going straight to the recap really convinced me."

"You must be a true genius.  I have no idea what the heck you were doing up there.  I don't understand it at all."

"You have very good improvising skills."

"Your performance was very refreshing.  I was quite surprised when you played something besides what was printed in the program."

"That thing you were sitting in front of, that's called a piano.  The piano has keys which operate hammers when pressed down...." (goes on to explain fundamental Piano Lesson 101 concepts)

"I think it's great you're playing the piano.  What's your primary instrument though?"

"You've truly captured the pain and anguish the composer must have been feeling at the time."

"Interesting choice of repertoire.  I have not heard many play The Rainbow Connection on their graduate masters recital."



Oh, these are so cruel...    But funny.... and true....

[abell88]

to a young student:

Okay, that was a really great start to this piece! Now we just have to fix up a few problems with the rhythm and the notes...oh, and there were a couple of places to work on your fingering...and did you happen to notice any of the dynamics or articulation markings?

[xvimbi]

This one works in all situations in all kinds of professions and hobbies:

"You really love to play the piano, don't you?"

"Oh my, yes, I do"

"So, then why don't you learn it?"

[nanabush]

"Where am I?"

[rob47]

"Randomly, that was bad"

"That sounded like Rob47"

"Hhhhhhhello John....we made it!"

[da jake]

When I play a passage horrendously badly for my teacher he says:

"Shocking"

It's quasi-hilarious.

[pianistimo]

the instrumentalists in the other practice rooms join together and try to drown you out.

ps bob, you're too funny.  i liked the one about beethoven, mozart and 'mozen' the best.

what if you were playing a piano concerto and the curtain went down before you got to the good part?  (these things would all be in my nightmares).

what if people actually did throw a tomatoe at you?

what if everyone brought the scores to your recital and marked every mistake.  then, later, instead of fan mail, you get an actual average of each rendition.

what if, after playing, only one person claps.  sort of clap              clap             clap

what if you actually caused someone to literally throw up?

[chromatickler]

"too slow"

[Bob]

"Well, you made it to the end.  That's something I guess."



clap             clap               clap              yea.           (crickets)

[Siberian Husky]

"your playing was almost as bad as bob's threads"






L  W-BL  W

:dong:

[mikey6]

I had my first lesson on Jeuz d'eau, and after i played it though, first comment - are you thinking water? whoops (I learnt/memorized it in a week so that's my excuse )

[Bob]

"your playing was almost as bad as bob's threads"

L W-BL W

:dong:

"Oh yeah?  Well, well... you don't use proper punction and capitalization!  So there!" 

[anodibu]

"May I suggest John Cage's 4'33" as your next piece?"

[allchopin]

My teacher actually aimed this gem at me after I finished playing a long, difficult piece for her.  She looked kind of shocked at first and said, "it's amazing that you can play all that... and yet still not make any music."  The truth can be painful, guys.

[quantum]

Hmm I've come up with some responses:


I enjoy making my audience uneasy, I'm glad I was so successful. 

I'll take that as a compliment, do you want to hear more?

[sharon_f]

My teacher actually aimed this gem at me after I finished playing a long, difficult piece for her.  She looked kind of shocked at first and said, "it's amazing that you can play all that... and yet still not make any music."  The truth can be painful, guys.

Ouch!

My teacher once said after listening very quietly to me play through some Liszt. "Okay, now let's go through it again and this time try actually listening to what you are playing."

[JCarey]

My teacher would simply say, "That was dreadful..."

Short, sweet, and to the point.

[m4ul]

To singers/ string players; "Interesting quarter-tone technique you got going there."

[Bob]

"Is that a 20th century piece you're playing?"

"Ok, let's talk about what a key signature is."

"What edition is THAT?"

"There MUST be something wrong with the piano.  No one could... oh.  Sorry."

"Is your music facing right side up?"

"Ok, try playing it the right way this time."

"Yeeeeahh... busy week?"

A favorite and one I've heard a few times... "Well, that's a start you've made there."

"You're not actually going to perform it like that are you?"

"You're making progress.  I hear progress every week."  but you never finish the piece.

"Hey is that a George Crumb piece?" 

"Is that a Crumb piece?  Mozart?  I didn't know Mozart was into clusters like that!"

[pianistimo]

how many pianists try to sound like a recording?  what if people said "you sound just like glen gould in his 1953 recording!  btw, is that what you practice with?"

did you lose your metronome and replace it with some sort of built in function on your cell phone?  if i was keeping time with you - i'd have lost track of time long ago.

if you were any more comfortable on the piano, you'd be sleeping.  how do you manage to relax like that (student has taken relaxation too far).

"look ma, no hands" at the end of recital after biggest piece  (falls backwards off the piano bench)   *from the back row - i told you he picked the wrong bench.

you think inner voices mean the ones in your head? 

here, let me help you -  gives list of repertoire including 'woo' numbers (works without opus numbers) and out of print, hard to obtain numbers for student to purchase.  sends them off with 'good luck'

[perfect_pitch]

"May I suggest John Cage's 4'33" as your next piece?"

I would so laugh if one critic said...

I WAS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED  about that, it only went for 4'23.... I felt ripped off.

How the hell does the performer know if he has been performing for 4'33??? Does he count to 273 or something and then just get back up???

[Bob]

I would so laugh if one critic said...

I WAS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED about that, it only went for 4'23.... I felt ripped off.

How the hell does the performer know if he has been performing for 4'33??? Does he count to 273 or something and then just get back up???

Good question.    I have never thought about that before.  As a pianist one second would be a lot to be off.  I can imagine someone standing up in the audience "Boo!  You didn't play the whole piece!  Boo!"

[perfect_pitch]

Good question.    I have never thought about that before.  As a pianist one second would be a lot to be off.  I can imagine someone standing up in the audience "Boo!  You didn't play the whole piece!  Boo!"

Yeah... HE SKIPPED THE WHOLE RECAPITULATION...Booo...   

[m1469]

Here's one (after an actual performance) :


"Well... at least you looked good"  




I'm sorry, but that one *** hurts