Jokes

[zheer]

Tell us a short joke. This is one i told when i was six, why does a man take a car door with him to the desert. Because if he gets too hot he can open the window.
 

[trunks]

Q: Why are there so many bakeries in Liverpool ?

A: Because if they don't knead the dough, they'll need the dole!

[arbisley]

What is an eskimo's house without a loo?
and ig

starting on christmas jokes early, oh dear, how blasphemous!

EDIT: the joke actually goes:
what is an "ig"?
and eskimo's without a loo.

not that it makes it any better...

[henrah]

A man walked into a bar and said 'ouch'

Now you can either finish this off with the unsurprisingly 'It was an iron bar' or, if you know they'll be expecting that, finish it with 'A complete drunken stranger punched him in the face.' Without knowledge of the first punchline, the second isn't funny.

[le_poete_mourant]

Did you hear about the Polish Navy Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea?

Five soldiers drowned digging his grave. 

[lisztisforkids]

Whats the difference between a Babtist and a Methodist?

   Babtist dont wave to each other in the liquor store.

[wishful thinker]

A guy is driving around when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten bucks," the man says.

"Ten bucks? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*te.”

[lisztisforkids]

In spirit of the elections:

 How many Conservative Economicist's does it take to change a lightbulb?


   Zero. The darkness will make it change itself.

[klavierkonzerte]

what does a rich girl fart sounds like?


ppprrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaddddaaaaa

[ramseytheii]

Whats the difference between a Babtist and a Methodist?

   Babtist dont wave to each other in the liquor store.

I love the Twain-esque, "Babtsit!"

Wherever there are 4 Episcopalians, you'll find a fifth.

Get it?

Here is a longer joke.

A blonde, let's call her Stacy, gets on a million dollar game show.  She somehow makes it to the final round, and all her blonde friends are in the audience cheering her on.  She is one question away from the million dollars, and the announcer says,

"Now Stacy, here is the final question, worth one million dollars: what is two plus two?"

Stacy thinks for a second, purses her lips, and answers confidently, "Five!"

The announcer says, "I'm sorry, no, actually -"

But Stacy's friends interrupt, screaming and cheering, "Give her another chance!  Give her another chance!"

The announcer, moved to pity, decides to do just that.  He says to Stacy, "Stacy, one more time, worth a million dollars: What is two plus two?"

Stacy dwells on the matter, tosses her hair, pops her gum, and says, "It's definitely three."

"I'm sorry, but-"

The cheers erupted, "Give her another chance!  Give her another chance!"

The announcer was moved yet again.  "Stacy, for the final time - worth a million dollars - what is two plus two?"

Stacy breathes in, adjusts her bra, and finally says: "Four?"

"Give her another chance!! Give her another chance!"

Walter Ramsey

[ihatepop]

Here is a longer joke.

A blonde, let's call her Stacy, gets on a million dollar game show. She somehow makes it to the final round, and all her blonde friends are in the audience cheering her on. She is one question away from the million dollars, and the announcer says,

"Now Stacy, here is the final question, worth one million dollars: what is two plus two?"

Stacy thinks for a second, purses her lips, and answers confidently, "Five!"

The announcer says, "I'm sorry, no, actually -"

But Stacy's friends interrupt, screaming and cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The announcer, moved to pity, decides to do just that. He says to Stacy, "Stacy, one more time, worth a million dollars: What is two plus two?"

Stacy dwells on the matter, tosses her hair, pops her gum, and says, "It's definitely three."

"I'm sorry, but-"

The cheers erupted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The announcer was moved yet again. "Stacy, for the final time - worth a million dollars - what is two plus two?"

Stacy breathes in, adjusts her bra, and finally says: "Four?"

"Give her another chance!! Give her another chance!"

Walter Ramsey

I think her supporters are tape recorders.

ihatepop

[mycrabface]

I love the Twain-esque, "Babtsit!"

Wherever there are 4 Episcopalians, you'll find a fifth.

Get it?

Here is a longer joke.

A blonde, let's call her Stacy, gets on a million dollar game show.  She somehow makes it to the final round, and all her blonde friends are in the audience cheering her on.  She is one question away from the million dollars, and the announcer says,

"Now Stacy, here is the final question, worth one million dollars: what is two plus two?"

Stacy thinks for a second, purses her lips, and answers confidently, "Five!"

The announcer says, "I'm sorry, no, actually -"

But Stacy's friends interrupt, screaming and cheering, "Give her another chance!  Give her another chance!"

The announcer, moved to pity, decides to do just that.  He says to Stacy, "Stacy, one more time, worth a million dollars: What is two plus two?"

Stacy dwells on the matter, tosses her hair, pops her gum, and says, "It's definitely three."

"I'm sorry, but-"

The cheers erupted, "Give her another chance!  Give her another chance!"

The announcer was moved yet again.  "Stacy, for the final time - worth a million dollars - what is two plus two?"

Stacy breathes in, adjusts her bra, and finally says: "Four?"

"Give her another chance!! Give her another chance!"

Walter Ramsey

My father told that joke..

[pianistimo]

before the divorce?

[soliloquy]

Three Irishmen are walking down a sidewalk back home after a long day's drinking.  Eventually, they pass a sheep stuck in a fence, with its head sticking out towards the grassy field on the other side, its butt jutting out into the sidewalk as it kicks around a bit.  The first Irishman, a bit drunk, says, "I wish that was Cindy Crawford."  They all laugh a bit, then the second Irishman says, equally drunk, "I wish that was Nicole Kidman."  The third Irishman, having had a head-start on the liquor, looks up at the afternoon sky for a moment, then back down at the sheep and says, "I wish it was darker."

[mycrabface]

before the divorce?

Way after