MAKE ME LAUGH!!!

[crazy for ivan moravec]

i hope this thread will  make us all laugh. go ahead and share some jokes.
here's one:


A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva
 bank and inquired about taking out a loan for
1000 Swiss francs.
"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
 "My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said.
"I will be away for a few weeks.
Here are the keys." A month later, the man
returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.  "Pardon me for
asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can
you store a Rolls for a month for
seventeen francs?"

[crazy for ivan moravec]

another one:

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars
both slightly cross over the white line in the
centre of the road. They collide and a fair
amount of damage is done, although neither
driver is hurt. It's impossible to assess blame
for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a
lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car
phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and
damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer
offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip
flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it
back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
``Aren't you going to have a drink?'' the doctor
says. ``AFTER the police get here,'' replies the lawyer.

[pianolearner]

A salesman driving along a rural road is lost so he pulls up near a farmer and asks for directions. As the farmer begins to speak the horse behind him says, “I’m a famous racehorse. I’ve made my owner a fortune from winning all the great races.” The salesman is utterly astonished. Seeing the value of a talking horse he thinks he can make a fortune from it and says to the farmer, “I want to buy that horse”, “You don’t want that horse” the farmer replies. The salesman forcefully replies “I do and I will give you a cheque for $100,000 right now”, the farmer agrees. As the salesman begins writing the cheque he asks the farmer, “By the way, why did you say I wouldn’t want this horse?” the farmer says “Because he is a liar, he has never won a race in his life”

[Dazzer]

The president meets a woman and after introducing himself he asked her what she liked to do. She told him she liked to make bets with other people. So he decided to make a bet with her.

Woman: Okay, i'll bet you 100 thousand that your balls are square.
Man: What? you can't be serious!?
Woman: I am.
Man: Alright i'll take your bet.
Woman: Okay. Since its such a large sum of money i'll meet you in your office tomorrow at lunch with my lawyer.

The next day, the woman turns up at his office at lunch. The woman then tells the president to take offs his clothes so she can examine his balls. When she takes hold of his balls, the lawyer than grimaces in shock and horror. After examining, she is finally satisfied and says "Okay your balls are definately not square. Here's a cheque for 100 thousand".

The president takes the cheque and says "That's alot of money you were willing to put down for such an impossible bet."
She replies "Oh that was nothing. I bet my lawyer 500 thousand that i'd have the President's balls in my hand at lunchtime today."

[allthumbs]

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small Tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Ooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, 'I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down, and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know before.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing- that old man was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

[jas]

A man died and went to heaven, where he met Jesus.

Jesus: Tell me what you've done with your life that makes you deserving of a place in Heaven.
Man: Well, I was just a humble carpenter, but my son was a miracle.
Jesus: Dad?
Man: Pinocchio?!

Stoopid. But funny.

[lau]

Why was the farmer mad at the cow?

Because he was knee deep in it's $#!&

What do you call a black conductor?

A conductor, you racist

[Dazzer]

A orchestra was going through tough times, and the conductor was feeling the pressure. Finally one day he snapped, and went on a rampage, killing many in the orchestra. He was then sentenced to death by electricution.

However, when the executioners switched the lever, the conductor still sat in the chair, unfazed much to the shock of the onlookers.

Why?

Because he was a bad conductor.

[allthumbs]

A orchestra was going through tough times, and the conductor was feeling the pressure. Finally one day he snapped, and went on a rampage, killing many in the orchestra. He was then sentenced to death by electricution.

However, when the executioners switched the lever, the conductor still sat in the chair, unfazed much to the shock of the onlookers.

Why?

Because he was a bad conductor.

Groan....

[Dazzer]

i know but still talking about conductors reminded me of it

[m1469]

Hi 




























Just Joking .... he he 

[Dazzer]

him1469:D

A dog goes to a job interview. The interviewer asks the dog whether he can use a computer, and the dog types out a word document. The interviewer than asks the dog whether it knows how to do filing, and the dog opens up the file cabinet and sorts out the files. THen the interviewer asks the dog if it was bilingual, and the dog goes?














MEOW.

[pianorama]

I have several dumb blonde jokes. WARNING: If you are blonde and sensitive to blonde jokes, DO NOT proceed.

A man is at a bar without any of his friends. He is surrounded by 3 blonde women, which were all friends with each other. He asks them if they want to hear a dumb blonde joke.
One of them says, " O.K., but before you tell it, I want you to know that I'm 6'2", and 214 pounds, and I'm a retired proffesional female wrestler, the lady next to me is 6'4",  and is 206 pounds, and served in the Gulf War, and the lady next to her is 6'3" and is 225 pounds and has a serious attitude. Do you still want to tell the joke?"

"No", he says, " I don't want to have to tell it 3 times."


Here's another....

God is running out of room in Heaven, so he decides he needs stricter rules to get in. However, he has very little time, so he makes up 100 racist jokes. He would tell them to everyone who tries to get into Heaven. If they laughed at just one of them, they would go to hell. The 1st person he tries the new test on laughs on the 1st joke. The next man laughed didn't do much better, and laughed on the 3rd joke. The next person is a blonde woman. She doesn't laugh on the 1st joke, or the 2nd. She lasts all the way to the 100th joke, but just as God is finishing the last joke, she interrupts him and says, "Oh, I get it! That 1st joke is funny! Haha!" As  soon as she laughed, she was sent away.

    Hope you laughed.

                    Lowell

[pianohopper]

The president meets a woman and after introducing himself he asked her what she liked to do. She told him she liked to make bets with other people. So he decided to make a bet with her.

Woman: Okay, i'll bet you 100 thousand that your balls are square.
Man: What? you can't be serious!?
Woman: I am.
Man: Alright i'll take your bet.
Woman: Okay. Since its such a large sum of money i'll meet you in your office tomorrow at lunch with my lawyer.

The next day, the woman turns up at his office at lunch. The woman then tells the president to take offs his clothes so she can examine his balls. When she takes hold of his balls, the lawyer than grimaces in shock and horror. After examining, she is finally satisfied and says "Okay your balls are definately not square. Here's a cheque for 100 thousand".

The president takes the cheque and says "That's alot of money you were willing to put down for such an impossible bet."
She replies "Oh that was nothing. I bet my lawyer 500 thousand that i'd have the President's balls in my hand at lunchtime today."

I believe that was the Clinton administration...

[I Love Xenakis]

Three Irish men are walking home from a bar and they pass by a sheep stuck in a fence, its butt hanging out towards the sidewalk as it struggles to free itself.

The first man says, "I wish that was Nicole Kidman."

The second man says, "I wish that was Rene Russo."

The third man, a bit drunker than the other two, replied, "I wish it was dark."