inner battle

[tds]

i thought this was a fact: i love performing!

here are some reasonings i can list to support the 'fact':
1. i've never played any piece as well as when i perform it in public.
2. i communicate well with audience (there have been reviews, compliments, and honest reactions from audience during concerts to support this)
3. i have a great desire to connect with people thru my playing, and also a commitment that i only play in a most honest way.
4. i am a very sensitive performer, i feel strongly the reaction of an audience, e.g. i easily know when they suddenly stop breathing for a couple of seconds in reaction to my playing

so, i thought that was that. until today at 12.30 pm, when i was asked to play a mini recital in a band festival for the evening, same day, at 6.30 pm ( remember the 3 day rock band competition/festival thing i wrote in another thread, where i was to become one of the judges? today was the last day of the festival. btw, i have a great fun to be on the panel).

in fact, no, they didnt ask me, but they just put me there to replace the pop/rock artist who failed to show up!! i thought, if only they werent people from my church and hadnt been previously so nice to me!! and, yeah, the action of the piano was so heavy and piano wasnt anything sweet, but quite the contrary! to make the story short, i agreed to play. funny i wasnt panicing or anything. in fact i was very calm and felt undisturbed ( bit ironic, i hadnt really practiced since my last recital, march 27th ). i went home, and soon figured out what to play. i thought since it was a pop/rock festival ( and why on earth they wanted a classical pianist to take part!! ), i should therefore play something popular and semi cheesie. so soon i found myself practicing a pop song (yay!), fantasie impromptu, la campanella, grieg lyric pieces,a haydn sonata, and waldstein sonata. practicing was good, i still knew my pieces very well. but several things seemed to lurk in my mind--some random things like, 'hey can i really do this?',  'what the audience reaction would be like?', etc. then i became somewhat nervous. yes, in fact i got neeeeeervous an hour before i left home for the festival.

the questions:

why is it that today/this afternoon:
1. i lost my all appetite
2. peacefulness betrayed me
3. all i wanted was to get this over with
4. i wanted to vomit

to make it short, the recital progressed extremely well, till i played my second to last piece, la campanella. i made a mess on that piece! piano was so heavy ( i know i cant blame the piano, but i want to, i realy do ). backstage, after la campanella, my confidence was tested, i said to myself: "still the "waldstein" to go". guess what, i didnt dare to play it. i came back to the stage only to play a short substitute: one rachmaninoff prelude to finish off my recital. and it was a piece i havent touched for so long. *shrugs* i had a memory lapse, but soon recovered.

audience's reaction was still very warm ( most of them knew too little about piano music ). BUT, i was upset and still am! i was upset for campanella and for the fact that i wasnt brave enough to stick with my program. now am battling with myself over some random thoughts n questions. apparently, some of my beliefs about piano and its profession have been shaken.

.....then i tried to think clearly, and as clearly as i could. i came to realize that it has happened previously ALSO on some random prior-to-recital occasions that:

1. i lost all my appetite;
2. i thought i'd be happy only when the recital BE over and done with
3. i wasnt feeling peaceful

now, comes the big question:

do i really love performing? how could one love performing when his thoughts kept on thinking: 'yes, i'd be happy when the recital is over with'?

seriously, i dont know what has become the "fact" anymore.

any comments? insights?


gotta go sleep now, its 4.30 am. sorry, but prolly my english is clumsy and difficult to understand. oh well, you can always ask questions. thanks for reading.

[bennom]

do i really love performing? how could one love performing when his thoughts kept on thinking: 'yes, i'd be happy when the recital is over with'?

seriously, i dont know what has become the "fact" anymore.

Greetings, tds.

Honestly: Yes, I'm sure you love performing! This was just a bad (really bad) day for you. sh*t happens. It's not the end of the world: if your audience was a "rock" crowd, they didn't hear that you demolished the campanella, and if it wasn't broadcast, no one else will know. (Except all of us piano street hooligans)


Some thoughts:

i thought this was a fact: i love performing!

here are some reasonings i can list to support the 'fact':
1. i've never played any piece as well as when i perform it in public.
2. i communicate well with audience (there have been reviews, compliments, and honest reactions from audience during concerts to support this)
3. i have a great desire to connect with people thru my playing, and also a commitment that i only play in a most honest way.
4. i am a very sensitive performer, i feel strongly the reaction of an audience, e.g. i easily know when they suddenly stop breathing for a couple of seconds in reaction to my playing

If this is normally the fact, then you have nothing to worry about.

so, i thought that was that. until today at 12.30 pm, when i was asked to play a mini recital in a band festival for the evening, same day, at 6.30 pm ( remember the 3 day rock band competition/festival thing i wrote in another thread, where i was to become one of the judges? today was the last day of the festival. btw, i have a great fun to be on the panel).

in fact, no, they didnt ask me, but they just put me there to replace the pop/rock artist who failed to show up!! i thought, if only they werent people from my church and hadnt been previously so nice to me!! and, yeah, the action of the piano was so heavy and piano wasnt anything sweet, but quite the contrary! to make the story short, i agreed to play. funny i wasnt panicing or anything. in fact i was very calm and felt undisturbed ( bit ironic, i hadnt really practiced since my last recital, march 27th ). i went home, and soon figured out what to play. i thought since it was a pop/rock festival ( and why on earth they wanted a classical pianist to take part!! ), i should therefore play something popular and semi cheesie. so soon i found myself practicing a pop song (yay!), fantasie impromptu, la campanella, grieg lyric pieces,a haydn sonata, and waldstein sonata. practicing was good, i still knew my pieces very well. but several things seemed to lurk in my mind--some random things like, 'hey can i really do this?', 'what the audience reaction would be like?', etc. then i became somewhat nervous. yes, in fact i got neeeeeervous an hour before i left home for the festival.

It doesn't matter how good you are: the conditions always matter.
Yes, I know, we practice hard to be insensitive of circumstance, and practice makes us tough; but it's never going to make us immortal.

You were asked the same day, you didn't really want to, the piano was crap and heavy, and you had not practiced your stuff since march. That is pretty f**king disgusting conditions!!!

You shouldn't do these kind of things to yourself.

the questions:

why is it that today/this afternoon:
1. i lost my all appetite
2. peacefulness betrayed me
3. all i wanted was to get this over with
4. i wanted to vomit

It's called being nervous. It's different every time. Haven't you been nervous before??!!

I have different symptoms every time. Here are some of them:
1. Not being able to sleep night before concert
2. Being really depressed the same day
3. Having inner visions of total failure a week before
4. Hands getting ice-cold ten minutes before
5. Wanting to vomit one minute before

Etcetera!!!

I'm so used to all these symptoms that they don't freak me out. Actually (this sounds sick, but it's true) I welcome them. If I'm nervous, it's like my body is telling me: I'm getting ready, bring it on!

Yes, being nervous and loving to perform is two sides of the same coin.

to make it short, the recital progressed extremely well, till i played my second to last piece, la campanella. i made a mess on that piece! piano was so heavy ( i know i cant blame the piano, but i want to, i realy do ). backstage, after la campanella, my confidence was tested, i said to myself: "still the "waldstein" to go". guess what, i didnt dare to play it. i came back to the stage only to play a short substitute: one rachmaninoff prelude to finish off my recital. and it was a piece i havent touched for so long. *shrugs* i had a memory lapse, but soon recovered.

The conditions given, I'm impressed you gave an excellent recital up to the campanella. Congrats.

So, the campanella sucked horse's ass. Don't play stuff like that on crappy pianos in crappy circumstances!!!!!!

The only thing that I blame you for is the fact that you didn't do the waldstein as you had planned. That made you feel like a coward. So, stick to the program always, even if it goes against your feelings. Fight back!

seriously, i dont know what has become the "fact" anymore.

Don't be dramatic about it, be proud of what you did well, and learn the lesson.

I think you know in your heart that you are a performer. You don't have to love it all the time!

Good night,

BennoM

(living the dream in the dream)

[pianistimo]

agreed with bennom 'you shouldn't do these things to yourself.'  of course, being charitable has it's own rewards that might not always be tangible (one being good relationships with people that you know) - but saying 'no' has it's place too.  if you did not feel comfortable at the beginning - you should listen to that inner voice and just say 'i'm not really comfortable in this setting.' to combine your talents with the other as 'filler' isn't appropriate to your level of playing - and you were concerned that the audience wouldn't understand or appreciate what you were playing (thus, louder noise levels and distractions!!!).  you probably did a fantastic job for the situation that you were in.

maybe next time, just say 'no.'  i won't say 'i told you so.'  especially if this was the worst.  if you didn't get a large headache from it all - then you probably had some fun, too.  having a little fun and not taking yoruself too seriously is probably better than most of us can claim.  maybe i take myself too seriously.  as i've gotten older it's just easier to say 'no.'  maybe it's one less performance experience and a detriment rather than a help.  maybe you ARE helping yourself by performing so much and being so willing in so many situations.  for me, i HAVe to have quiet.  if i don't, i can't really concentrate.

[tds]

bennom, your response has been greatly appreciated. yes, you have cast helpful insights. thank you very much. now, i just need some quiet time to recover. moment of some harsh, unsettling thoughts have seemed to slowly disappear, followed by positive physical recovery. i have seemed to gain my peaceful feelings back. my appetite has started to show its potential, as well.


also to pianonut, lady of the month, thank you you.

warmest,

tds

ps. soon i'll have to concentrate on my tour and that needs a mountain of positive attitude and well tuned stamina. wish me luck.

[bennom]

bennom, your response has been greatly appreciated. yes, you have cast helpful insights. thank you very much. now, i just need some quiet time to recover. moment of some harsh, unsettling thoughts have seemed to slowly disappear, followed by positive physical recovery. i have seemed to gain my peaceful feelings back. my appetite has started to show its potential, as well.


also to pianonut, lady of the month, thank you you.

warmest,

tds

ps. soon i'll have to concentrate on my tour and that needs a mountain of positive attitude and well tuned stamina. wish me luck.

  I'm just happy to be of any help or use.

Good luck, kick ass, forget the past, love the moment.

BennoM