What to do about being shy (in real life) ?

[drexo]

Hi,


Well, I have this problem in real life that I'm quite a shy person. It's probably cause I play the piano too much and I don't talk to a lot of persons I don't know. Don't get me wrong, my social life is okay (could be better sometimes) and I know quite a lot of people, but I have a hard time meeting new people. Also, when I meet new people (especially girls), I don't know really what to say. I mean, yeah, I play the piano... That's what life is all about ( ).

Anyway, what to do about being a shy person?... Maybe I can't do anything about it, but I doubt it. It's just some kinda "barrier" wich has to be opened for me. Though, the odd thing about this is that I wasn't a shy person at all, about 3/4 years ago. I guess me personality changed much in the last few years (I'm 19 years old now btw).


Feel free to comment/discus. 

[henrah]

Any new person/people you meet, grab them by the wrist/hand/leg/groin(??) and drag them to a piano to hear you play. If you can play in front of them, then you have bypassed any barrier you (think you do but you) don't have. Shyness is a mentality that you approach other people with, and is mostly coupled with a paranoia for saying the wrong things and giving them a wrong image.

If you aren't shy towards an audience, there should be no reason why you are shy towards others who didn't come to hear you play. Playing the piano to an audience can be the most shy/paranoia inducing thing to pianists, especially me.
Henrah

[Siberian Husky]

go back in time..and tell your mom "no mom i dont want forced piano lessons at a young age, i'd like to spend my 'playing endless practice hours of piano in a cave ' time doing healthy young socially engaging activities that will eventually yield proper socializing skills later in life"..

problem solved...


i have done this thread justice..you may now lock the thread

[gorbee natcase]

Because it bothers you. you will proberbly overcome this before you are 21. subconsciously
your brain is working on it

Many of the people I knew at school who were shy seemed to come out of there shell arround this age. People who I knew for years but didn't know at all I suppose its a confidence thing.

Associate yourself with nice, friendly fun people. As with anything its a skill but confidence is a transferable skill that helps with interviews, working life, social life so you proberbly do need to expose yourself to situations where you need to use and home this skill:)

[6ft 4]

go back in time..and tell your mom "no mom i dont want forced piano lessons at a young age, i'd like to spend my 'playing endless practice hours of piano in a cave ' time doing healthy young socially engaging activities that will eventually yield proper socializing skills later in life"..

problem solved...


i have done this thread justice..you may now lock the thread

this is all bollocks hehe just so u know: its been proven that kids who r taught by their parents r more socially confident despite not being around other kids really much at all during their youth

you can easily gain confidence any time in ur life if u think positive (replace radiohead with daft punk or summit) and realise that u r DA MAN

get some books/ tapes/ see a psychologist

[gilad]

yes, i found that stopping listening to radiohead made me feel much better.For real!! also portishead!! whats up with all the heads? leonard cohen too. i can't think of any other depressing music that i used to love.
dont take life so seriously, it's really just a load of BS.
be shallow with people and stop caring so much.
blend in a bit, act like a normal person, it really helps.
dont over emphasize your differences, but dont be a clone either.
be open to new experiences and be mindful of avoidance behaviours.
there are no quick solutions, you just have to learn to adapt yourself and it takes a bit of time.
i'm sorry if what i write seem unsentimental and cynical, but it worked for me:).

[6ft 4]

the trouble is all this new age bullshit like "telling urself ur great" and "finding inner peace" and basically all gay things like that ACTUALLY WORKS

[Jacey1973]

Because it bothers you. you will proberbly overcome this before you are 21. subconsciously
your brain is working on it

Many of the people I knew at school who were shy seemed to come out of there shell arround this age. People who I knew for years but didn't know at all I suppose its a confidence thing.

Associate yourself with nice, friendly fun people. As with anything its a skill but confidence is a transferable skill that helps with interviews, working life, social life so you proberbly do need to expose yourself to situations where you need to use and home this skill:)

This is very true for me.

I was about to say this, when I was younger I was very shy. I used to dread having to make conversations with people I didn't know. I was always scared to give my opinion.

I think going to University helped alot, as you're forced into situations (i.e like living with strangers) where you have to make conversation and get better at being with different people.

I am so much better these days. I meet new people everyday - i often go to concerts alone and start talking to random strangers and don't shut up!! (ok don't do this in a dangerous situation i.e if you're alone at night hehe!) I think it will come naturally to you - but you do have to force yourself into situations and practise socialising as much as possible.

[Tash]

yeah totally agree that going to uni is really good, since there's like 5000 million people out there and not knowing any of them and hanging around by yourself in lectures is boring. so you randomly sit to a random and ask them either the time or if you can borrow a pen. and then have a rant on how moronic you are at forgetting your watch/pen.

thus after figuring this all out, starting uni for the second time (ie. transferring) was so much easier in terms of meeting people cos i wasn't so shy just coming out of a small school i'd been at my entire life!!

but yeah, following that, i think you do just grow out of it (i'm 20 and am moving out of my old shyness, depends on who i'm around though) just smile and be happy!!

[rc]

There might be something to this sort of 'developing' shyness around that age too. That seems to be after people become more self-conscious (as a brain development thing during puberty), and social pressures become a concern. I think back to the peer groups I hung with between 15-19 and there were always certain expectations of the norm, and people were actively discouraged from anything else. It was nothing unusual for someone to be made fun of for saying something 'wrong'... Which would be a good way to develop the habit of being oversensitive to what others think.

...Then, around 19 would be the right time to decide to do something about this shyness. After graduating highschool, you're no longer in an environment with built-in socialization, you no longer automatically see all your friends day-to-day. So making new friends and maintaining friendships becomes a more active process, and you have to develop the social skills.

the trouble is all this new age bullshit like "telling urself ur great" and "finding inner peace" and basically all gay things like that ACTUALLY WORKS

heh, funny thing is I'm reading a book full of that 'newage' BS... That was written around 1910. And likely, those same ideas (in different words) are as old as the hills. The only difference is people now want something to be deemed 'scientific' before giving it any credence.

Anyways, here's a nifty site chock-full of newage BS. Some good food for thought: https://www.personal-development.com/chuck/index.html

[pianistimo]

some women find shy guys extremely appealing.  perhaps they are going on a misnomer, that they can be easily manipulated.  when, in actuality, they are probably just the opposite.  guarded.  they ask one question - an easy question - and you spontaneously answer it - only to find out they now know ten things about you and you still know nothing about them.  shy guys are just dangerous.

my hubby used to be a shy guy sorta.  well, not really, but he was not 'out there' socially.  he's always had lots of friends, though, and keeps in touch with people throughout the years.  i feel more 'social' in social situations - but then i don't always keep in touch - so sorta secluded, too.  i have more time to practice without talking on the phone - but that's bad, too.  guess you have to find a happy medium.  friendly, social, but don't allow phone calls until afternoon?  otherwise, how do you get anything done?

*don't worry.  a woman will come along and make you her 'job.'  you won't have to do anything but play the piano and do what she says (just kidding).  i abuse my husband regularly (by asking him to sing over and over the songs that i like).  you'll probably ahve someone that adores your piano playing and does the same.  just enjoy the time you have now without being browbeaten.

[jas]

Any new person/people you meet, grab them by the wrist/hand/leg/groin(??) and drag them to a piano to hear you play. If you can play in front of them, then you have bypassed any barrier you (think you do but you) don't have.

Don't do that! If that's the first thing you talk about and the first thing you do, especially if you drag them to the piano, they're going to think you're completely piano-obsessed (and probably a little weird).
The best way to get over shyness is to get out there and talk to other people. Try getting a part-time job that involves being in contact with the public to an extent, in a shop or something. It'll help you get used to it.

Jas

[johnny-boy]

I was shy as a teenager. I realized after my teen years what caused my shyness towards girls.

I always perceived girls as sex objects. When ever I talked with girls, my mind was thinking sex, sex, sex. It’s very difficult to not be shy and embarrassed as a teen when your mind is having sex with every girl you talk to.

After my teen years I started appreciating women for the persons they were. I realized these sex objects were individuals with a diversity of interests. When I started seeing women in this new light my shyness disappeared.

Best, John

[douxtigress]

*don't worry.  a woman will come along and make you her 'job.'  you won't have to do anything but play the piano and do what she says (just kidding).  i abuse my husband regularly (by asking him to sing over and over the songs that i like).  you'll probably ahve someone that adores your piano playing and does the same.  just enjoy the time you have now without being browbeaten.

Well regarding to this quote... I have a sweet little story for you.

I knew a boy who had this problem He was homeschooled, but he got sheet music to learn to be the pianist in jazz band. Well, I moved to that area and of course I tried to join jazz band and the teacher says 'we already have a pianist, but you guys can do duets or you can fill in for him if he can't attend a concert' so I thought 'hmm alright.' Well, the week of the first big concert, he came in to all of the afterschool practices and I got to meet him. He was just timidly standing over at the piano when I walked in (mind you I'm usually very hyper and outgoing) and I walked right up and said 'Hi, are you Joel the pianist??' and he wouldn't even look me in the eye he was SO nervous... and he nodded, and I asked 'well do you need to warm up? Because I need to...' and he moved to the side so that I could warm up. I did a few fast runs, chord progressions, and whipped through a song with lots of scales and the poor thing... he looked at me and said 'now I'm afraid to play because you're better than me.' I wanted to cry. I felt so bad. So, the rest of the week I let him play all of the songs except for one that he wanted me to do since he had been playing those songs longer than I have...

Since this boy was so shy, he never associated with anyone else in jazz band... so I made it a point whenever I walked into practice that I would say 'Hey Joel how are you?' and try to make him as comfortable as I could... praising him after a song he played (which he was really talented, he was just so nervous to play) So at the show, we're both up there on stage and I'm really pumped up and he's still a bit nervous and shy and I said 'why are you shy Joel?' and he says 'I don't want to mess up, and I don't know these people' and I replied saying 'You know, you're a very talented pianist whether you think so or not. I've watched you, and you can certainly reach chords that I can't... who cares whether you know these people or not Joel, do this for YOU. I know you love the piano, it's your escape... so let the audience feel your music.' And he looked at me, and had this big smile on his face --I'd never seen him smile other than a shy sheepish smirk... and we played. It was awesome. Afterwards I looked at him and said 'I couldn't have done it without you, you were great' and I asked for a hug, and he gave me one. I watched him go down to his parents who looked very proper and strict... and he was beaming.

Now because he was homeschooled, I would only see him every once in awhile, like the week of a performance because he would practice all of the pieces at home... but I started going to all of the school's choir performances that he would play for too... and by the end of the year, as soon as he would walk down that stage, he would come find me, give me a hug and ask how I was... and we would just stand there and talk for most of the performance, --you'd never know he used to be that shy and reserved.

So, for him, it took me... another musician... fellow pianist, to get him to open up, and appreciate himself so that he could be confident in front of others, namely myself who he was intimidated by in the first place. Now I can't say this would work for everyone, but perhaps you might want to try to get involved with other pianists your age... like henrah said... it's just a mentality. 

[super5james]

Hey i face that all the time seeing that  practie alot. Im not shy ites just being anti-soical at some points because it seems that being alone is the only way for me to get something done on piano. Thats what im gonna do today spend some alone time working on my piecies. Socialize when you can. Thats how you get people to discover what you can do.

[6ft 4]

I was shy as a teenager. I realized after my teen years what caused my shyness towards girls.

I always perceived girls as sex objects. When ever I talked with girls, my mind was thinking sex, sex, sex. It’s very difficult to not be shy and embarrassed as a teen when your mind is having sex with every girl you talk to.

After my teen years I started appreciating women for the persons they were. I realized these sex objects were individuals with a diversity of interests. When I started seeing women in this new light my shyness disappeared.

Best, John

Indeed

When u speak to girls don't just think about trying to get off with them; just be fun: the former will come naturally!

[galonia]

I used to hate meeting new people.  Then I decided, to get good at anything, I should practice.  So I just forced myself to walk up to people and talk to them.  I joined the executive of the church youth group, to play a more active role, and made myself walk up to new members and welcome them.  I volunteered for giving campus tours to new students and running activities for first-years in Orientation Week.  It didn't take long for me to be hosting Vice-Chancellors visiting our university from around the world, and being completely comfortable sitting in a corporate box at the Olympic games, eating a lamb dinner and drinking champagne with them.

Just put yourself in these strange situations - you'll get over the discomfort very quickly!  Good luck!

[rc]

some women find shy guys extremely appealing.  perhaps they are going on a misnomer, that they can be easily manipulated.  when, in actuality, they are probably just the opposite.  guarded.  they ask one question - an easy question - and you spontaneously answer it - only to find out they now know ten things about you and you still know nothing about them.  shy guys are just dangerous.

That's true! Being on the reserved side is mysterious, makes girls curious... As opposed to blabbing and advertising yourself. But there's a difference between being shy and being mysterious, a truely shy person won't be able to share themselves even when a girl becomes curious enough to pry. If you're too afraid to open up, people will just think your dead inside.

I know that shy, guarded people could also be percieved as arrogant... Or maybe it could be said that they developed an arrogance to protect themselves from others?

[lostinidlewonder]

You know why people with the same interests get along so well? Because they can naturally talk to one another without making an effort to come up with conversation. You love piano playing, but if i go take you to say .... an expert Boiler maker and you have to talk with them about their trade you will fall asleep. Same with any stranger you come across despite their sex. You have to always find out what people are like, what motivates them in life, what their ambitions are. I find the common thing you have with everyone is themselves. You can always talk and be interested in the person. That way if things in their life coincides with your own you will have something to talk about.

You should also see humans as humans. They are nothing different. If you walk up to a horse do you turn away and avoid eye contrat because you are shy of the horse? Of course you don't! Why should humans be any different? Because they can talk and make opinions about you? Animals probably are laughing at us all the time how would we know. The noise out of a humans mouth is nothing different to a dog barking when its mad or a cat purring when its happy. It is only ourselves who interprete the words and let it emotinonally effect us.

[Jacey1973]

Indeed

When u speak to girls don't just think about trying to get off with them; just be fun: the former will come naturally!

Er...yeah - you keep telling yourself that...