depressed me?

[crazy for ivan moravec]

i don't know... i've been feeling useless these days. i just officially graduated from Bachelor of Music and my next step is to audition in US for my Masters in Jan. 2007, but before that, i'm also planning to join this competition and piano festival in november.

so i'm trying to learn new repertoire (bartok and rachmaninoff) and i can't seem to get down to dirty work! it's been 2 months since my graduation recital... i played a 30-minute program just 2 nights ago (which btw i messed up a Bach fugue BIG TIME, the one i posted in the Audition Room)...
my teacher has been telling me to finish learning the bartok sonata already, but i can't even complete the first movement after 3 weeks of attempting to study it!

what's wrong? 

the thing is, i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. i love playing the piano, but why does the thought of fully giving myself into this kind of career scare me? is it because i know for a fact that i'm not a "concert pianist" material? (it's a fact, i think, that i'm not). but i once said that i'll be ok with a piano professor-type of career, you know performing once in a while and staying happy making music.

actually, i really don't know if i'm making sense above, but if you can help me sort things out, i'd appreciate it.

or in another light,  maybe i need a gf? the last time i fell in love was like 4 years ago.

or maybe my teacher is pressuring me too much? i kinda feel he is, but i just became numb over the years. somehow he can still get into my nerves at times, the problem is,  i'm not really sure if it's taking its effect on me still.

i don't know... i'm not even sure if i'm really "depressed".

what i know is, I CAN'T WORK ON MY PIANO WELL... and it's bothering me that i'm can't, coz i want to.................. 

[Kassaa]

Take a week off! Go on a holiday!

[lisztisforkids]

Greetings,

  I recently just got over a very seriouse depression that took 6 months of my life. I dont know if you do substances, like drink, but I cannot emphasize enough that you MUST avoid substance reliance. I was a binge drinker, and it really does make everything much worse, so please, whatever you do stay away from substances.

 The first step to beating off depersiion is to figure out 'Why am I depressed?'. Are you lonely? Do you have family issues? Are you insecure about you abilitys as a Musician?
Once you figure out why you are deppresed you need to figure out a way how to fix it. I advise you to get a counselor if you can, as my counselor was very helpfull with me.

 Remeber always, that Deppresion is just a state of the mind. Also, Depression can affect you in ways that you might not believe it could. You might get extremely fatigued, could lose your concetration if severe enough. Since its affecting your piano playing, I adivse you to start trying to fix it now before it spirals out of control.

  I think the best thing to cure depression is to have a sense of vision about were you want to be, and what you want to do with your life. Be sure to work hard, but do not over work. It sounds like you might be getting overloaded. If thats the case then you need to back up and take things slower.

  I think that many Classical Pianists are lonely by the definition of our occupation. So, you need to meet people that are like you and have the same interset as you. This dose not neccasairly mean that you need to just meet other Pianists.

 I cannot stand it when people ask me 'Why are you depressed?'. They just dont seem to get it. Good luck.

[jas]

I'm about to graduate from the same degree - BMus - and I feel a bit down, too. Partly because I have no clue what I want to do now. I known what I don't want to do, though, and all the job hunting I've been doing has been turning up exactly that! Almost everything I've found has the words "marketing" "PR" and "retail" in the title, and the words alone make me want to go to sleep. Also because I have the depressing feeling that it's 9-5 from now until I get to retire at the age of 107. I hate the thought of just being another suit, I think that's what's bothering me the most. And, like you, I'm not concert pianist material!

Anway, I agree with Kassaa. If you've just graduated, take a bit of time off. Even if it's just a week or so, if you can get away from the normal routine you'll come back feeling refreshed and more up to doing what you need to do. Don't try to jump straight in, give yourself a break.

Jas

[thalbergmad]

You have reached "The Junction" and you don't know which way to go. I am sure that has affected nearly all of us and it is not nice.

I would adivse that you dont ask for advice on something like this on a Forum. Whilst I am sure peoples advice will be well meaning, you could get too much advice which would leave you in a worse state than you are.

Find a couple of people who's opinion you trust and ask them for help.

You are young and your powers of recuperation are huge.

You will get through.

Thal

[henrah]

Finding love will make you feel so much better! I recently bought up the courage to tell a girl about my feelings, and I'm going to talk to her on Weds about it. All I can say is that anticipating this has made me feel so much better! Though there hasn't been a huge improvement in my motivation for piano, there has still been some.

Also, I think you should take on - or at least consider/think about - a motto that m1469 came up with for herself, and it goes something like this (not completely exact, but the basic principle. Look at her signature for the exact sentence):

Don't want to become the best, because then you might get scared of not getting their (thus setting an inconcievable goal), of which you already said you are getting scared of. Instead, keep improving on yourself, getting better and better.

Basically, don't set yourself a finite goal that might possibly not happen. Instead, set yourself a continuous goal which doesn't have detrimental effects if it fails. If you set yourself a goal of becoming the best, and you don't, it can make you heavily depressed, even before you get near to the time when you hoped to achieve it by. If you set a goal of becoming better and better, constantly improving on yourself, then you will most likely not feel like you've failed as you still have the rest of your life to improve, and even when you improve you can still improve.
Henrah

[pianistimo]

thal and kassa are right, imho.  take a week or month or year off.  but, ask your friends, since they know you best and might be able to interpret if you are sufferring burnout or are at a crossroads.  if it truly is burnout - you'll see that you won't be able to play for a much longer time.  if it is just a temporary need to relax and rejuvinate - you'll be back at it shortly.

staying connected to your musical friends and even making a short-term goal of continuing with something less stressful than performance (maybe a goal of listening to some piano concertos or reading a book about a composer/pianist) might be good.  travelling.  unwinding.

 

   

[tds]

Take a week off! Go on a holiday!

13 with wisdom! sweet

[lisztisforkids]

Take a week off! Go on a holiday!

 A vaction will help. But it wont make your problems go away. A vaction is just a temporary solution.

[thalbergmad]

 A vaction will help. But it wont make your problems go away. A vaction is just a temporary solution.

Whisky is the long term solution.

[henrah]

Whiskey sure is the solution for his problems, but is the source for problems of others around him

[sharon_f]

First, congratulations on your Bachelor's degree. What a wonderful achievement! Don't downplay it and don't downplay your graduation recital. So what if you messed up the fugue the other night, just ackowledge it and move on.

Realize, also, that what you are going through is very normal. It is quite common to feel "down" after achieving a significant goal. Take some time to unwind, relax and relish where you are right now. You have a degree in music and the whole world is out there waiting for you.

From your posts, my sense of you is that you are a very driven and goal oriented person.  The fire will return.  Just don't push it right now and feel there is something wrong with you. You are just taking a little break. Give yourself permission to just enjoy yourself and have a little fun. Maybe even fall in love.

And don't beat yourself up over Bartok. I mean, it's ....... Bartok!!!?!!??

(BTW, Graduate school in the US. How cool is that! Do you have any idea where you'll be auditioning?)

[crazy for ivan moravec]

hi guys! thank you so much for the advice and suggestions! it's just wonderful to have this community.

i actually did follow one of the advice here already, to take a week or two off. i'm now in my province, about 40 minute  flight from manila where i studied. somehow, my attention has been diverted because a high school classmate of mine just passed away, motorcycle accident. until now i can't actually imagine that he's gone. i'll be spending my time here visiting the family and the wake of course and take some time off for myself. i'm ghigh school classmates and i and are all so close because we're only 22 when we graduated from a minor seminary. it will be a relief to see them all.

yes, i'm a very goal oriented person, or so i think. but no, i'm really not the type who would go all the way depressed. i don't know exactly how it feels to be depressed. but yes, i do have this feeling that i don't know what to do right now... but i guess to rest is the best option now. but to get depressed is the last thing i wanna do. the last time i felt "useless" was when i had tendonitis. stopped playing for 5 months. i got over it pretty well.

i have a feeling i'm beginning to hate the fact that my teacher still can't let go of me. and i don't want him pressuring me anymore coz i just got out of school. i felt this is one big reason coz when i got here in the province yesterday, i felt that i was temporarily free from his calls, sms, etc..! yipee!!! and i felt an urge to actually work on the bartok now that he's not around, so how bizarre is that? hahaha. he's quite a possesive teacher and when i told him that i had plans of auditioning in US, he wasnt the gladest person who reacted to it. he wants me to take my masters here. and he wasn't the happiest person when i told him that i wanted to come home and take a break for a week or two. he says that i don't have time to take a vacation!!! that i need to just learn new repertoire if i wanted this career. sheesh... but enough of that...

i started my exercising this morning! it feels great! somehow, i think i just needed a different atmosphere for the meantime.. the environment.

sorry for the long post. just needed to say a lot of things, although i can't organize my thoughts right, and i think i want it to stay that way for the meantime. i'd like to just relax my mind off from too much thinking.

thank you again for your generous support!!! all your advice have been heard with much appreciation! and thank you for the greetings. earning my bachelors really is quite an achievement for me, i'm glad i was able to survive it. starting piano at 14 years old, i never thought i'd make it.

[henrah]

You're a very intelligent person, so I can see that you will know when you start to get depressed, and thinking it over can easily avoid it with you. I can relax knowing that.

I'm glad that you didn't listen to your teacher, as s/he could've impeded your healing and kept you spiralling down into depression. This also shows you are a very intelligent person, and for that I feel very relaxed.

You are getting the rest you need, and I wish you the best of luck in your career. I also send my condolences to you and the family of your classmate. I know how it feels when you can't actually imagine them gone; but when you do, you will be on the first step to recovery.

Best of luck,
Henrah