I just heard a recording of my playing :-( Help!

[hyrst]

Hi
I just recorded and replayed my playing and hated it desperately!   

I feel like never playing the piano again!  It sounded awful - I didn't know I was so bad.  I know some things weren't up to scratch yet - I've  still got some time until my recital (one in a month and one in 2 months), and it's been a bad week (just haven't played 'right') - but my playing sounded harsh and lacking dynamic variation.  Could this be because my playing really is that bad, or is it normal to hate hearing yourself play?  Do any mistakes always stick out like a sore thumb?  Has anyone else felt like quitting after hearing themself play?

Also, I've really struggled with my pieces this week - like I feel totally uninspired and keep making mistakes I don't normally make.  I usually practice several hours a day to prepare for this recital, but this week I keep messing everything up and practice is jsut depressing and worrying me.  Is this a normal phase when really learning pieces?  Is it a matter of going back to slow and separate work until the phase passes?  I have supposed it was, but things seem to be going from bad to worse!

Please, any advice?!  Help!

Thank you
Annah

[italianopalo]

It looks like you're panicking because of limited preparation time. You should calm down first and take it step by step. Your practise style doesn't seem to healthy, maybe just break the daily routine into fragments (eg. play for 20 min then rest, then play again) because you learn the most when you're concentrated.

How about if you give us a recording? Then the problems can be seen.

[hyrst]

Thank you for responding. 
I will think about posting a recording, but I am afraid and embarrassed.  I know it would help for knowledgeable feedback- but I think I'm even too raw for that at the moment.  I will wrestle over it with myself for a bit.  I'm not a person to give up easily once I have a goal in mind - but I am so afraid that I am fooling myself that I can do this. 

Over the past couple of months, I have meant to practice only about 20 mins / half hour at a time, but I kept finding I wanted to just work through one more thing before I called a break - and before I knew, several hours had gone.  Perhaps I need to make a decision at this point about what I will allow myself to do - especially since things seem to be falling apart at the moment and I am making myself practice to start with because I am becoming afraid of playing even worse. 

In the last few days, I have kept practicing, but tried to play slowly and with good control - and mostly tried to work repeatedly on the technical challenges of each piece (short passages over and over again).  I seem to make progress with the short passages, but as soon as I play the whole piece, the progress I make is not evident. 

Thank you again for your help.
Annah

[nicco]

A teacher once told a friend of mine, if you record yourself you should not listen to it right away, but rather wait a few days and then give it a listen. This way you will be more open-minded.

[m1469]

What are your recitals, Annah ?

[hyrst]

(I seem to be following your posting around this afternoon, m1469 :-) )  Thanks for taking the time to write and help out.

Nicco, I wanted you to know that I took note of your advice.  Thanks.

I have two recitals I am preparing for, and hoping to pull off - but still not quite sure if I will go ahead.  The second one, which will probably be in early December but I have not been advised of the date yet, is really an exam.  I have been trying to get my hands back into condition and refresh my music qualifications - it has been many yeas since I have sat any practical exams.  I developed rheumatoid arthritis and almost lost the use of my hands over the past few years.  Once I found medication that helped, I decided I wanted to get my playing ability back again - so that is what I have been doing.  I have entered to do the first of the AMEB diploma levels again.

The closest one is a private recital.  Students, family and friends have asked to hear me play and so I thought I might try presenting a concert.  After all, it is about the time that I am having a studio recital - and I thought one of the important sides of teaching is setting an example.  If I can do it, I am presenting a Chopin concert with some of the much loved Chopin pieces - e.g. Fantasie Impromptu, a couple of Nocturnes, the Scherzo 2, Barcarole. 

I really lost it the other day, but once I pulled myself together, it helped me focus again on how I needed to practice and what I needed to work on most.  Although I was pretty upset, I got past it - with a bit of help from friends.  I'm still not sure if I can manage a whole concert, so if I can't do it I will let the guests know in a couple of weeks.  I can probably at least play something simple in the student recital and the work has done a lot of good for my hands. I still have a lot of work to do before I know I can play the whole programme, so I might not make it in time.

Thanks for the question.

[m1469]

While both of these seem great, what's the rush on either of them ?

[ted]

I cannot advise you about your particular situation but I can vouch for the truth of what Nicco says. I am almost always concerned with improvisation rather than playing pieces, but the same principle seems to apply. I have recorded things which have appalled me at the time of recording, almost to the point of deciding to erase them. Then I have listened the next day and been just as appalled at my earlier judgement.

I haven't the least idea why this should be so. I can only conjecture that mind and hearing become so hypersensitive during playing that molehills become mountains, so to speak, and the whole musical perspective is distorted.

[hyrst]

Thanks, Ted, I have begun to realise similar things.  I guess we are often our own harshest critic - and that is what I needed to know the other day.

m1469, in some ways there is no rush - I am just a goal oriented personality :-) in areas that I have passion for.  As I said, I can still pull out if it just isn't going to work - and I am willing to do that rather than quit altogether - a different feeling than the other day. 

These are just things that I really want to do.  I want to be playing like I used to, and so I set myself a target - I want to redo all the diplomas over the next 18 months (but, you're not the first to tell me to give myself time).  I am a person who tends to push myself - I set goals and get impatient to get to them.  But, I work better when goals and deadlines are imminent - otherwise I put things off until the deadlines are foreseeable (no matter how much I try to change the way I work).  I guess I am 'afraid' that if I allow myself too much time to do things, I will never get around to them.

If I want to be able to play well again, I felt I had to set myself some structure to work by - the danger is in being perfectionist about it and forgetting where  I have come from or that some things take time and process (a life lesson I am still taking on board).

Annah :-)