My teacher is de-motivating me !!!!

[kghayesh]

I feel my teacher is putting so much stress on me. She hardly ever says any good word about my playing. Today at the lesson, i couldn't even get through 3-4 bars without her stopping me and saying some comments and making me play the whole thing again slowly and HS and so. Of course she is right, but i don't think my playing sucks to that level !!

She made me always when i play something for her, feel deep inside myself that it sucks or it has something wrong. She doesn't even say the word "good". The best thing i can ever hear from her is "not bad!". I know it is good to have such very high standards, but come on !!! I always feel so let down and so demotivated after each lesson.

I don't know if this is normal among piano teachers? or it is normal from very advanced ones who require dazzling standards from their students? I must admit she helped me a lot and my playing improved so much from only one year with her. But she makes me feel so baddddd about myself !! It's like my musical self-esteem is affected after each lesson.

[mad_max2024]

I think it's normal that piano teachers are very demanding, they try to push their students to be as good as they can
But it is nice to hear some form of encouragement from time to time though otherwise you will get depressed and demotivated
I think you should talk to your teacher about it and say you feel bad about it, she probably doesn't know you are that sensitive about it and thinks she is helping you by pushing you to your limits

[pizno]

Take heart, she doesn't feel she needs to smother you with compliments, probably because she thinks highly of your playing.  She could let things go and then use the catch all phrase ' You're very musical'.  I had a teacher like yours, and it was very hard.  I found over time that in fact he did support me in ways that weren't so obvious in a lesson, like, encouraging me to join performance groups, etc....  but I never felt like I was worth much as a pianist and that was always, always hard.
He would say 'you're not paying me to have me tell you what's good' and I would argue that I didn't have a clue what was good because he never told me.  I assumed everything sucked.  One time he said 'I think you are a better pianist than I let on', but that didn't help much.  But, with this kind of teacher, when they say something nice, you know they mean it.  That teacher died, and with subsequent teachers, when they say something good - I have a hard time feeling that they are not just trying to make me feel good, just like I do for my students!  But it is basic human nature, after all, to need encouragement, and it does help for instance, to know when you 'get' something.

So, after all that rambling, perhaps what I mean to say is - you have to decide, can your ego stand up to this?  Is it worth it for what you are getting from her?  Or would you be happier with a teacher who you found more encouraging?  Some people just need more than others.  Which are you?

Pizno

[rc]

I suspect every teacher has different musical standards that they hold themselves and their students to.  I like the highest standards, it's harder but the fruits of the labour are so much sweeter.  Sometimes I have the opposite problem, my teacher will say "that went pretty good" but I know that it damn well didn't, hahah.

In teaching my brother at work, I want to give an honest appraisal.  I don't want to say something is good unless I really think it's good - to the same standard I hold for myself, even though I have years of experience over him.  I do this because I want him to be just as good as me (or better if he wants to push further).  At some point he mentioned how I was crushing his self-esteem over it, and that's counter-productive, so I modified my criticism to include more positive reinforcement, but still keeping it honest:  "you're improving, you did this, this and this better than last time but you still need to work on this, this, and you completely screwed up here.  Keep working on it and you'll get there".

The turning point was when he told me I was demotivating him, because that's not the goal.

So I would second Max's advice, and let your teacher know she's demotivating you, I'm sure that's not her intention so she probably doesn't even know.  But also consider toughening yourself - learning how not to let others affect you negatively, to get over the criticism so you can use it to improve.  Of course the ego will take a hit from criticism, especially if it's valid (decide for yourself if something is valid), but if you can rise above that ego hit and attack your weaknesses relentlessly as your teacher - over time there will be less and less for her to criticise and she will be able to say from her heart "that was good", and it will mean more.  You will be able to know, it truely IS good.

[kghayesh]

So, after all that rambling, perhaps what I mean to say is - you have to decide, can your ego stand up to this?  Is it worth it for what you are getting from her?  Or would you be happier with a teacher who you found more encouraging?  Some people just need more than others.  Which are you?

Pizno

I know that kind of teachers who just say good words all the time, even if i know i played badly. I felt i was faked and treated in a mishonest way, as if i was not getting my money worth. So, I'd prefer an over-criticizing teacher to an over-encouraging one of course. But, I don't wanna feel bad about myself !! I don't wanna feel i am hopeless !

[rc]

Why do you feel hopeless?  In the first post you said you'd made a lot of preogress over the year.  That doesn't sound hopeless.  That sounds very hopeful.  Imagine where you'll be a year from now!

[brahms4me]

I can relate, somewhat.  Waaaaaaaaay back when. . . . .  I thought I could do it all.  I took my Mozart sonata to my lesson and my teacher worked on the first 4 measures with me for the entire 60 min lesson.  Among all things said, the one I remember the most:  Mozart would turn over in his grave if he heard this.  Being a young person, I was devastated, but only for a few minutes.  At first I wanted to just quit music but then resolved to practice and learn the piece correctly.  It was a good life lesson for me and I continued studying with him.  He wasn't liberal with his compliments so when he did say something complimentary, I walked on air for a week.  He died a few months ago and the world has lost a great musician.  His musical lineage was of the highest caliber and what he taught me is invaluable.

The better you are, the more is expected.  I would assume this teacher believes you have a gift worth crafting. 

[Bob]

Some teachers are just like that -- few compliments.

You should be learning what you do well and what you don't - what needs work.  You could go for a more 'in charge' role during the lesson and make a list of what you do well on a piece and what still needs work.  Make the list ahead of time and check with the teacher or ask to make the list with the teacher during the lesson.

The teacher should be aware of your mood.  If you don't feel good about your playing, the teacher should sense this.  They may risk losing someone out of music or losing a student (and income if they worry about it) if you are not satisfied with your playing or progress.

I would hesitate to tell a teacher they don't say enough positive things.  I would wonder what the teacher would think of me.  I would wonder about the compliments I do receive after that -- Are they just being nice?  Do they think I'm wimpy in some way?

Another idea is to ask "What things am I doing right?"  If you don't look happy and you ask that, the teacher might get the hint that they aren't being positive enough in the lesson. 

Some teachers are just grumpy and are set in their ways.  They don't change.  I would hope the teacher is thinking about how they teach -- They may have decided (or let it happen) that they just don't give a lot of compliments out unless they are sincere.  At least in that case you know they mean it. 

There are teachers who perform and "have" to teach for some reason.  You may have to live up to their performance standards.  They may not care what progress you do make unless it matches their ideal performance expectations.

You can always switch teachers. 

I like the idea of kind of "assessing" where you are at with a piece.  Or with your own musical development.  You can ask the teacher about how much of the piece you've completed -- always just a general guess.  You can ask the teacher what progress you've made and where you're going.  Kind of looking back and planning ahead.  That could get you some positive feedback without appearing to ask for it.  You could ask what the teacher thinks of you as a musician -- what kind of musician are you compared to others?  What things are you really good at?  What things are weaknesses?  You can take stock of things and get kind of force some positive feedback that way.

[keyofc]

Some teachers have never had anyone ever compliment them - and they think it's the way to be.
I like progress report - Maybe you're not where you want to be - but how much closer are you to your goal than when you first started?
In my opinion - if I can't give a compliment to a student after I've been working hard with them on something they have also been working hard on - I ask myself how am I helping them?
You already can say that the teacher did help you - but I would ask her/him aside from the obvious work needed on a piece - how can they assess your progress?
They should be able to encourage you if they are giving you the right steps and you're doing them.
Piano playing is lonely anyway - because we do it alone.  I'd talk to the teacher too.
But I think it's true the better one gets, the less compliments they get.
Sounds crazy - but it's because you're pushing harder because you can see they have what it takes.

[kghayesh]

Yesterday's lesson was like all the others, she was so critical and she almost criticized every note I played !! I was so annoyed with this in the lesson that i was almost gonna cry out ! She made me so nervous and so stressed, and i felt so bad near the end of the lesson.

So, i thought to make her feel what i feel. When i finished playing I told her "that was so bad, right?"  so she replied "look Khaled, I want much from you, not like any other student. That's why I always comment so much. I dont just want the notes, i want the character of the piece."

I felt slighly better that she's giving me special attention and she wants more from me. Does the fact that she always makes my lesson the last one of the day count as something that means i am special ?? 

[m1469]

Hi, kghayesh,

Do you feel you adequetly prepare for each of your lessons, putting the necessary effort and thought into your practice ?   And, do you have a regular practice schedule that you anxiously maintain ?

[chocolatedog]

Dos she ever say the word 'good'? My teacher was sparing with the compliments, but if he said "good" then I knew it was good!!! I tend to be over the top with praise for my pupils, but the y are rather young!!!

[stevehopwood]

Years ago, at the end of what felt like a brutally critical lesson with my tutor at music college (UK, RNCM) I complained to him, "It seems to me that the better I play, the more critical you are."

His reply was, paraphrased, "Young man, the better you play the more ideas you inspire from me. Think about the last 60 minutes and you will discover that I was not actually critical, but I did offer many extensions to your own musical ideas." He was right. 

Like chocolatedog, I go overboard in praise of my 'ordinary' child pupils. Advanced, serious students require different handling. With them, the better they play, the more musical ideas they inspire from me. Mind you, I always tell them about my experience at music college to try to make sure they do not feel useless.

So, i thought to make her feel what i feel. When i finished playing I told her "that was so bad, right?"  so she replied "look Khaled, I want much from you, not like any other student. That's why I always comment so much. I dont just want the notes, i want the character of the piece."

Yep, me too. Just think how you will feel when she says, "Khaled, I enjoyed that."

I know a prof at the RNCM whose students party for a week on the very rare occasions he says to them of their playing, "Yes. That really wasn't bad, was it?"

 

[pianowelsh]

I went for a period of nearly 6 years where I recieved 2 half complements on my playing . The further up you go the more critical they get, they make you work for it. Some to be fair just dont complement atall..they would tear Ashkenazy to shreds and leave him crying too so dont feel too bad! Its true we do need to redress the balance sometimes though, because chances are you are a much better pianist than you think. Its good sometimes to play to other people and maybe even take a summer course. A change of ears listening to your playing can sometimes be a real boost!