hmmm... why is this pursuit important to me ? You know, my person has a difficult time pondering a life where nobody else is a part of it, and in pondering a life where I don't feel love. Well, okay, I know what that feels like whether it was ever true or not, it's how I felt. Sometimes I am actually quite surprised and unable to accept that people really love me -- and sometimes I am quite unable to let myself love others. Now, this is personal, but there is a point. The point is that, whether or not I love people and people love me, and I feel like I am being fulfilled in that way, I would still pursue this. I actually know that for a fact. I like life in general a whole lot better when I feel love, I have realized at this point in my life (and, btw, I have had to work REALLY hard just even to get to where I am at with relationships -- wherever that is).
I know that's the way it is because I knew myself and my feelings about all of this when I was very young (maybe about 7 years old) -- before anything else had touched me with regard to this yet. I was still very innocent and my love for the piano was just what it was. And, I decided that I wanted to learn everything there is to know about it; I actually became my own teacher in quite a conscious way. I knew of people who became blind, for example, and decided that I wanted to learn how to play with my eyes closed just in case I ever became blind, and so I would actually make a point of sitting down as often as I could and consciously trained myself with various things without looking. I often consciously thought of myself as "in training" with something later in mind (nothing beyond just knowing the instrument really, but, it had to do with the future, even then).
I am telling about this because this decision has stuck with me over the years. And, I have honestly tried to go against it time after time -- but it is burned into me. I can't erase it; it's just part of who I am. So, sometimes I have felt as though I were kicked to the curb by some people whom I have considered pretty important in my piano life, and you know what gets me back up ? It's that same little girl who decided when she was 7 that she was going to learn everything there is to know about piano -- she was pretty serious about life, even back then. It always has come down to -- okay, so this person thinks this about me ... so what ? What has that go to do with me ? It doesn't mean I haven't gotten stopped in my tracks, deflated and depressed over what people do and say to me.
My feelings about piano and music really have nothing to do with "this world" -- and that is where my problem has been. I want to be an integrated person. I have wanted to find a place in this world. But, my hunger regarding music does not spring from other people and their opinions about me. The piano summoned me ... hee hee, and it continues to do this throughout my life. When I catch some glimpse of a thing that I cannot seem to explain (and really would rather not explain in words, at this point), I feel connected to life and my piano-self finds the place it needs.
With people like my Uni teacher and Bernhard, for example, I have wanted to somehow become like a vampire and bite them and suck all of their musical experiences out of them (sorry if it is scary ... hee hee). It's in their blood, so-to-speak, and, it's in my blood, too, and I just can't ever seem to get enough of what I feel like I *thrive* on with it. When I first met my Uni teacher and saw what I see in him, I wanted to just live in his office for years in a row -- I didn't want to miss a thing; I just wanted to absorb him ... hee hee. And, this went beyond the person, though obviously the person is involved when we see it in human terms. I just felt connected to life in a way that I had been hungering for for years, whether my teacher himself liked me and accepted me or not (though obviously that appears to play a role).
I don't feel like a failure as a person, I feel like my musician and particularly my pianist ARE my person.
So, why is this pursuit important to me ? Well, I can't help it. I have fought and fought with myself over it, but it hasn't gone away. I loved my University experience because I finally just surrendered -- and I surrendered because I found a place for myself, in all ways, to just be (and in many respects, I had to claw my way there, too). And now, since University, I am working to make my
own place -- because, I have realized, perhaps, that nobody else will make it
for me. Do you suppose that what I have been clawing through has been a pretty path of open doors, love and acceptance ? LOL .... h*ll NO. There is some of that in there, however, too. But, it just can't depend on that.
I have a beautiful and inspiring piano (for me) sitting in my living room because I clawed my way to it sitting there. I have a studio full of students that I adore, because I have clawed and clawed my way to it.
If what I were seeking were mere fame and the things that many humans call "love" and "acceptance," I suppose I would have chosen something much easier ... LOL. A couple of things come to mind, actually. But, those just aren't true to me. So, yes, I do appreciate love and acceptance (at least to the best I can allow that for myself at this point), but I simply cannot have that be all that holds me up in life.
Okay. Explaining the abyss... if that is even possible, I suppose it would not be done with words. I have a specific painting in my mind's eye, which I am not sure if it is "mine" or whether it's something that I have actually seen -- but it is Picasso-esque, I suppose. And, I think, to me, Picasso seems to often portray what
I see right now, as a perception viewing humanity and also seeing the abyss, simultaneously.
I am exhausted ... LOL ... but inspired

.