Greatest jokes ever

[gerry]

Maybe we should make that a "pianost's" car since according to this forum, many of us aren't making enough money and need that second job (or maybe it would be the only job)

uh...make that "pianist's"...sorry

[shingo]

Two men and a woman crash land on a desert island, both men survive.

However after a while they start feeling lonely and consider some sexual relief. Both men sheepishly conisder the act with each other but decide that it is too soon if they were to be saved.

A couple of days later they confront each other again, but once again feel it would be too soon.

Finally they agree and thuroughly enjoy an exhauting and rampant event.

This continues for a couple of months, but then the one man starts to feel ashamed of what he has been doing. He confronts the other with his feelings and suggests that they should finally bury the woman.

[minor9th]

[slightly altered for appropriateness of language...]

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as he'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just screwing with you. She's dead."

[zheer]

[slightly altered for appropriateness of language...]


Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just screwing with you. She's dead."

  Dark humer.

[valor]

[slightly altered for appropriateness of language...]

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as he'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just screwing with you. She's dead."

Thats messed up...

[naughtius-maximus]

What’s the smallest Pub in the world?

The Thalidomide arms. 


Apologies.

[indutrial]

How many electric guitarists does in take to screw in a lightbulb?

A dozen. One to screw in the bulb, and eleven to talk about what's wrong with his technique and why his gear isn't good enough.

[valor]

Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.


Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.

[wotgoplunk]

Since we're doing lightbulb jokes...

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it, and the other three to yank the chair out from underneath her!


How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to try, and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to pregnant dog that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

How many clarinettists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

[jlh]

This is definitely the best blonde joke ever!

https://www.thelastminuteblog.com/?p=2935

 

[valor]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!

[wotgoplunk]

This is definitely the best blonde joke ever!

https://www.thelastminuteblog.com/?p=2935

 

QFE!

[valor]

Does this count as a joke? Its hilarious- Family Guy remake of Amadeus the movie lol.