JOHN TERRY

[elevateme_returns]

When John Terry does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

When Santa Claus asked John Terry what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates John Terry and gets away with it.

John Terry once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects John Terry could use to kill you - including the room itself.

John Terry once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For John Terry, each testicle is larger than the other one.

John Terry grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

John Terry once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

John Terry played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

John Terry puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

The city of London once named a street after John Terry in gratitude for being such a great man. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses John Terry and lives.

John Terry could strangle you with a cordless phone.

John Terry died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. John Terry once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either

Mourinho didn't drop Claude Makelele, John Terry dropped Claude Makelele.

John Terry doesn't mark players, he permanently stamps them.

John Terry once turned up for training late - Mourinho fined the rest of the team for being early.

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. John Terry see the glass as a deadly weapon.

John Terry can slam revolving doors.

The 'big bang' was a John Terry tackle.

John Terry would have built Rome in a day

JT once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a pregnant dog. He proceeded to wrestle an aligator while talking to Frank Lampard about schematics.

Red Cards were invented to keep John Terry out of jail

If John Terry had been a Spartan the movie "300" would have been called "1".

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but John Terry says its beef. Then it's f*cking beef.

[nicco]

John Terry is a Chuck Norris wannabe.

CHUCK NORRIS RULES THE UNIVERSE.

[soliloquy]

A tear from Chuck Norris can bring the dead back to life.  Too bad he never cries.

There is no such thing as natural selection; only animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Every year Chuck Norris chooses one lucky child to be hurled into the sun.

Chuck Norris does not use a razor to trim his beard; instead he roundhouse kicks himself in the face.  Only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard.  Only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Guns don't kill people.  Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris does not sleep.  He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting; he goes killing.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.  Luckily, he can not be fooled.

Chuck Norris once shot down a fighter plane with his finger, by yelling "bang".

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris fought Chuck Norris he would win.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris can e-mail a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16.  Seconds.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris can eat just one potato chip.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he destroyed it.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Chuck Norris was once given a guitar.  Within three days he produced a Grammy-winning album, but declined the award, saying that the Grammy's are gay.  He then ate a knife to show how strongly he felt.

[jakev2.0]

elevateme, replace "John Terry" with "Roy Keane", and I'll agree.

 

[thalberg]

Change all these statements to Murray Perahia and I'll agree.

Or Sviatoslav Richter.....

[elevateme_returns]

"Anything but piano"

[imbetter]

last time i checked murray perahia and sviatoslav richter werent pianos, they were people.

[imbetter]

When murray perahia does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

When Santa Claus asked murray perahia what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates murray perahia and gets away with it.

murray perahia once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects murray perahia could use to kill you - including the room itself.

murray perahia once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For murray perahia, each testicle is larger than the other one.

murray perahia grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

murray perahia once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

murray perahia played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

murray perahia puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

The city of London once named a street after murray perahia in gratitude for being such a great man. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses murray perahia and lives.

murray perahia could strangle you with a cordless phone.

murray perahia died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. murray perahia once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either

Mourinho didn't drop Claude Makelele, murray perahia dropped Claude Makelele.

murray perahia doesn't mark players, he permanently stamps them.

murray perahia once turned up for training late - Mourinho fined the rest of the team for being early.

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. murray perahia see the glass as a deadly weapon.

murray perahia can slam revolving doors.

The 'big bang' was a murray perahia tackle.

murray perahia would have built Rome in a day

murray perahia once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a pregnant dog. He proceeded to wrestle an aligator while talking to Frank Lampard about schematics.

Red Cards were invented to keep murray perahia out of jail

If murray perahia had been a Spartan the movie "300" would have been called "1".

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but murray perahia says its beef. Then it's f*cking beef.

[thalberg]

Awesome, thanks IBTY!