Spouses who don't share love of classical piano...what gives?

[gerry]

As I read postings on this forum, I'm struck by how many times members admit that their spouses either "hate" piano or "don't appreciate" their efforts, or in other ways thwart their attempts to practice or just plain kill the spark that they once had. How does this happen? I understand that family, children, etc. can render it difficult to make the time to pursue piano with the same fervor as before, but what makes one decide during the courtship/sharing time to accept such an unsupportive character trait in a future spouse?

If you're in one of these relationships, I'm really curious to hear how the sharing of such an important aspect of your life got such low priority. I'm not necessarily advocating that it should be the most important, but I feel that it certainly should have been somewhere up there when considering a future with a mate.

[thalberg]

Gerry I agree.  I am not married and am glad for that, simply because so many young people overlook such *incredibly important* things in their future spouse and then they're married and stuck and it's too late.  The older I get, the more I see what to avoid, so someday perhaps I will pick a nice spouse. 

Even if my spouse was interested in something I don't care about, like gardening, I would still be supportive and part of me would become interested just out of love for my spouse.   But not everyone is like this--people can be hard hearted to an extent that I just do not understand.

[gerry]

Yeh, it just doesn't compute - such a self-sabotaging decision. I can't help thinking that for some, it might have been a subconscious way of never having to really follow through with their music. Try as I may, I just can't imagine myself looking into another's eyes and thinking, "I don't care if you hate classical music and the piano, I want to spend the rest of my life with you". Maybe we'll hear from one who did.

[thalbergmad]

If they don't like it, get rid of them.

[thalbergmad]

On 2nd thoughts, better just to stay single.

Thal

[gerryjay]

hey guys!
sometimes a woman needs ways of marking the borders of her territory, and destroying another passions of the guy is an apparently perfect way.  some girls work brainly on that, but most i knew have this chip and doens't seem to notice. never happened to her getting mad when you remember a fact that involve an older girlfriend? or a girl at all? in the same way, getting rid of piano, friends, hobbies, whatever that she doesn't rule or it's part of (depending on the girl).
notice that i don't talk about all girls, because some of them know this "issue" and somehow controls it.
in my personal experience, i must say that i'm a very lucky guy since i found a partner that shares the music as a principal interest in her life. and we can manage our hours of study, and work, to have sometime to hang together. anyway, i can count some frustranting relationships before that due exactly to problems with the piano, or the music, or anything i talk about.
excuse me for going so far. specially because in the end i think thal was concise and wise as one can be:

If they don't like it, get rid of them.

 

[elspeth]

I think the problem can turn up because a lot of non-musicians think that playing an instrument is something that you just 'can' do and it doesn't occur to them that there's hours of practice and all the rest of the process involved. You tell someone you play piano and they make the curious assumption that you can just sit down and play any piece at sight with no practice regardless of difficulty and the standard of your sightreading. If only it were that easy!

[rc]

I know a lot of people who are married because they were horny and got pregnant.

I probably just hang with the wrong crowd

[gerry]

We pianists love the fleshpots!

[Bob]

That's why I make them fill out a form.  Boxes like...  "Do you like music?"  "Would you support a spouse who has in music?"

Then I give them a test and include questions about how to pronounce written words like Mozart, Bach, and Chopin.

[gerry]

sounds like a fun date 

[Bob]

That's just the pre-date questionnaire and screening procedure. 

[thalbergmad]

I only ask 2 questions:

1. Do you like Thalberg?

2. Does your dad own a brewery?

Thal

[ahinton]

Thal - since by your own admission you do not have and have never had a spouse, why not confine your remarks in this thread to things of which you have had actual experience when pronouncing on the subject? I really do not mean to be rude, believe me, but I neverhteless felt it necessary to ask you this in view of certain remarks that you have made in a context that has not admitted of any marital experience on your part.

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

So sorry, did not realise one had to be married to comment.

Having been in several long term relationships (over 3 weeks), i thought i would offer my opinion.

Now, i don't mean to be rude, but please go and bore someone else.

Thal

PS  BOLLOX

[zheer]

    That would be a big problem if they hated classical music, because as pianists we tend to produce one hour of classical music daily. Though i must say i have converted a lot of friends and family into classical music lovers.

[gerryjay]

I only ask 2 questions:

1. Do you like Thalberg?

2. Does your dad own a brewery?

Thal

 hmm...it seems that you don't have date much lately, right? 

[gerryjay]

Then I give them a test and include questions about how to pronounce written words like Mozart, Bach, and Chopin.

that's a nice idea. what about including some questions about schenkerian analysis or life and works of main composers?
 btw, a prep course would be interesting, something like an abridged undergraduate?

[gerry]

Before this thread descends into nonsense like so many others tend to do on this forum, I'm still interested in serious responses to my observation.

[gerryjay]

 hey gerry!
 sorry...i was serious, but then i get tired of the effort...oh...i'm into non-sense again!   

[Bob]

Being a graduate might be more fun, eh?

I think the spouse has to fit into the music plan.  That would put music first in priority, then the spouse.  If she doesn't like it, she's out.  Hence, the divorces.

[gerry]

I think most of us agree that WE wouldn't let ourselves end up in a similar situation; however, several members on this forum HAVE (by their own admission, and here is where my curiosity kicks in. I'm still left wondering if these relationships are still good, sound, happy, etc. or is there a smoldering animosity as a result. In other words, how does one cope? Does one spouse hate piano/classical music in general or just because it's something the partner likes? I have to admit here in all fairness that piano (and probably much creative art in general) is a very personal endeavor--much of the time at the exclusion of all else including personal relationships. Also I don't think this has to descend into a sexist dialogue as I'm sure there is an equal number (probably many more) of similar situations where the wifes' ambitions were squelched by the hubbies.

[rachfan]

Well, my wife hates piano, classical music, practicing, and has "sensitive ears" as well.  So yeah, it does restrict my practice and recording sessions quite a bit.  I wait for her to go out on errands, then get every second of practice time I can out of that time slot.  I truly envy guys (or women) who can just walk over to their pianos and practice or play whenever they feel like it.  And they probably take that freedom for granted. 

When one is young and in love, it's important to assess shared interests, and interests that are not so shared.  If one of the latter involves your passion for piano, then that should become a serious issue for further discussion and consideration before things get much further along in the relationship.  I never realized just how paramount a shared taste in music can be.  Classical and Rock just don't mix well, for example.

Unfortunately, it's not as simple as trying to meet a hot conservatory piano performance chick (or guy).  Then you might end up fighting over the piano and practice schedules! 

If you want to hear the latest result of my crazy one-hour-here, two-hours-there practice syndrome, check out my latest recording of Bortkiewicz's Prelude, Op. 33, No. 7 in the Audition Room.  I will say that I have learned to practice with deep concentration and the greatest efficiency, making every minute count.

[pianowolfi]

Well I think I am really a happy person because I found my love, my girlfriend who is so much into classical music and is so much sharing with me piano and music and art. And she says that she could not live with a person that does not like piano and classical music. I think it is something that will connect us always.

[rachfan]

Ah, true romance AND compatibility, wolfi, a not so common combination.  You're very lucky!

[gerry]

Thanks Rachfan for sharing - you were one of those I had in mind when I began this thread. I admit, I still don't quite fully understand why you can't practice when together, I mean does she scream "shut up", rattle the kitchen pots and pans extra loud, and/or slam the keyboard cover down on your fingers? I can understand partners disliking traits that develop in relationships like messiness, laziness, alcohol, drug or gambling addiction--things that actually cause harm--but "hating" something like classical piano practicing--something so obviously extremely important to the health and well-being of a partner--to the point of actively discouraging it, that's what has me wondering. I won't belabor this any longer as there must be deeper and more complex reasons for dilemmas like this.

My hat is off to you Rach for finding a creative and apparently successful way to work around and overcome this unfortunate restriction.

[lostinidlewonder]

My other half does not share the same love I have for classical music but of course enjoys it when I perform for people. However I don't expect my partner to appreciate every time I play, that would be scary.

When someone who isn't practicing the piano hears the same piece over and over again for hours it can get very tedious. Even the finished product isn't that interesting, because they have listened to the countless hours of practice to get to that point. So they listen to me play one piece for say 100+ hours before they see it in performance, there is little to enjoy for them because they know the music in an out, what they are more excited about is that the performance goes well and I feel happy about it. I think all spouses can have that interest no matter what you do, they don't have to directly be in love with what you do in detail, but your achievement with it.

[gerryjay]

but "hating" something like classical piano practicing--something so obviously extremely important to the health and well-being of a partner--to the point of actively discouraging it, that's what has me wondering.

hey gerry!

developing a bit what i wrote previously, i think it may happen due to a very simple and common female feeling (ok girls, don´t throw stones on me): jealousy. what we do have with the piano is a very serious and monogamic relationship, and that is the kind of thing some partners just can´t stand. the fact that your other love is a wooden, heavy, dark-colored piece of furniture (instead of a blue-eyed, perfect-looking, vulcanic blonde - that could be important to the health and well-being of the partner as well) seems of very little importance: what matter is that you love something else.

don´t you think that makes sense?

[thalbergmad]

Ah, true romance AND compatibility, wolfi, a not so common combination.  You're very lucky!

He is lucky.

She has to wind up the clocks.

Thal

[rachfan]

Hi gerry,

The reaction I'd get if I were to practice with my wife home would be something like "That's exactly what I didn't want to come home to!!!"  Or, "Why do you have to play while I'm here!?!"  Or, "Must you do that now!?!"  Or, "It hurts my ears!!!"  Etc.  Other times she'll "retaliate" by going out into the kitchen and turning on her boom box at full blast blaring the Rolling Stones or whatever.  Oddly, that does not hurt her ears. 

I also think that gerryjay has a valid point about jealousy.  She's not jealous of my being able to play piano per se.  Rather, she believes she has to compete with my devotion to the art of performance (as if it were a mistress), which to her is a solitary pursuit.  A solitary pursuit, in her view, cannot possibly be a good thing, as there is no companionship in it.  If you're wondering, we've been married for 40 years. 

I suppose I could buy a digital piano and set it up down in the finished basement.  But I like my acoustic grand!     

[gerry]

Hi gerry,

The reaction I'd get if I were to practice with my wife home would be something like "That's exactly what I didn't want to come home to!!!"  Or, "Why do you have to play while I'm here!?!"  Or, "Must you do that now!?!"  Or, "It hurts my ears!!!"  Etc.  Other times she'll "retaliate" by going out into the kitchen and turning on her boom box at full blast blaring the Rolling Stones or whatever.  Oddly, that does not hurt her ears. 

I also think that gerryjay has a valid point about jealousy.  She's not jealous of my being able to play piano per se.  Rather, she believes she has to compete with my devotion to the art of performance (as if it were a mistress), which to her is a solitary pursuit.  A solitary pursuit, in her view, cannot possibly be a good thing, as there is no companionship in it.  If you're wondering, we've been married for 40 years. 

I suppose I could buy a digital piano and set it up down in the finished basement.  But I like my acoustic grand!     

 

[pianowolfi]

Hi gerry,

The reaction I'd get if I were to practice with my wife home would be something like "That's exactly what I didn't want to come home to!!!"  Or, "Why do you have to play while I'm here!?!"  Or, "Must you do that now!?!"  Or, "It hurts my ears!!!"  Etc.  Other times she'll "retaliate" by going out into the kitchen and turning on her boom box at full blast blaring the Rolling Stones or whatever.  Oddly, that does not hurt her ears. 

I also think that gerryjay has a valid point about jealousy.  She's not jealous of my being able to play piano per se.  Rather, she believes she has to compete with my devotion to the art of performance (as if it were a mistress), which to her is a solitary pursuit.  A solitary pursuit, in her view, cannot possibly be a good thing, as there is no companionship in it.  If you're wondering, we've been married for 40 years. 

I suppose I could buy a digital piano and set it up down in the finished basement.  But I like my acoustic grand!     

Did you ever ask her if she loves you?

[gerry]

I think Rach has been more than candid in his replies up to now and I thank him for that. I don't think this forum is the appropriate venue for anything more personal than what's been offered. A difficult as it may be for some of us to understand, there are obviously more important aspects to relationships than the music/piano practice thing that keep couples together for 40 years.

[Bob]

Did you ever ask her if she loves you?

I have, but my piano hasn't responded yet.  She won't talk to me anymore.

[pianowolfi]

I have, but my piano hasn't responded yet.  She won't talk to me anymore.

harsh

[Bob]

Msut be a German thing.

[Petter]

Consider this.
It might help keeping the romance going for a while longer.

[timothy42b]

I only ask 2 questions:

1. Do you like Thalberg?

2. Does your dad own a brewery?

Thal

When I was dating I had two questions also.

1.  98.6 F?

2.  +/- 5?

But seriously.  I've been married 24 years.  We have things we share and we have things we don't.  Longevity partly depends on respecting each other's spaces and allowing some compartments that don't have to be shared.  I don't watch her sitcoms, or if I sit in the room for companionship I read a book.   She'll flee the house if modern jazz appears.  She's not a big fan of classical music and I can't stand Dr. Laura, so on long drives we bring CD's instead of the radio. 

[Bob]

The creepy guy would only have one question...
1.  Is it female?


Now go take on the day timothy42b.