"Gay or European?"

[Essyne]

Okay, so you know that song in Legally Blonde (humor me) the Musical when they're all trying to decide if Enrique (forget spelling 2night) is gay or not? (no offense to the VAST majority of Europeans here, it's the song title, not my personal opinion . . . but there's my disclaimer for tonight). Well . . . How do you ask a guy if he's gay or not without offending him? Let's say, hypothetically speaking, of course, that you've kind of fallen for him a bit and, well, you're not sure where he stands? And all of your g/f's say "If he's NOT gay, then you guys would be perfect!" . . . It's a completely effed up situation, and one that I think only I could possibly get into . . . I mean, A CERTAIN GIRL could get into  . . . .

The guy is seemingly gay (in public). Then you look again and actually spend alone time w/ him and all of that "gayness" just disappears in thought, word, and deed (if you get my drift) - but then, the morning after, he reverts back to his other "seemingly gay" personality and hardly looks at you the way he did the night before. And it happens night after night! Is he snubbing you? Is he just "feminine" and insecure in public? Does he think that you're snubbing him? Is he just experimenting? Is he just being a guy and getting into the moment?? The possibilities are overwhelming! But when the two of you are together, there's no denying that he's interested in you - There's an extreme connection there. The two of you jsut naturally gravitate toward each other. And you don't take these things lightly.

But I'm rambling.

So how do you ask? Bluntly? Gently? DO YOU ASK? Normally it wouldn't matter to you, but this is a different story. If you DO ask, how do you keep a straight face when asking him? It's serious, but you KNOW you'll laugh or at least make some sarcastic remark (and this isn't something you think you should really be sarcastic about).

Ugh. Yeah - I know, I know - "WHY is Essy posting this online?" - It could be WOOORRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! and I could LOVVVEEEE HIMMMM!!!!!! <inserts lots of smileys and more held keystrokes, hoping everyone gets her subtleties> , so you'll get over it, I guess  .

[Essyne]

.

[chopininov]

You care too much about others feelings. If he gets offended than that's his issue. Just ask him dammit.

[Petter]

Just adding to the confusion some; he might actually not be attracted by you despite being straight and just wants to be your friend. But he´s probably just european...

[thalbergmad]

Drop a tea towel holder on the floor.

If he picks it up, he is gay.

Hope this helps.

Thal

[slobone]

Unbutton your blouse and ask, "Do you think they're big enough?". If he's gay, he'll say "Do I look like I care?".

[rachmaninova]

Unbutton your blouse and ask, "Do you think they're big enough?". If he's gay, he'll say "Do I look like I care?".

That has a probability of not working. I have a gay friend and he makes remarks on women's "assets"... A great deal of gay men can really evaluate the female body, despite the fact that only (or mainly) the male body attracts them. There are also different levels of being gay. But my friend probably would answer that question with something like "you could use a wonderbra to make them look better!" 

[zheer]

So how do you ask? Bluntly? Gently? DO YOU ASK? Normally it wouldn't matter to you, but this is a different story. If you DO ask, how do you keep a straight face when asking him? It's serious, but you KNOW you'll laugh or at least make some sarcastic remark (and this isn't something you think you should really be sarcastic about).

  Personally if I like a women I go straight up to her and tell her " hey I like You " if I hear " yes me too " ( which happens on very rear occasions) then all is good. However if I hear " lets be friends" then my left arm is  automatically up in the air and I scream "TAXI". Nothing is worse than the " lets be friends" line. Can't women be more honest and just say "look  F**ck off "

So basically if this guy is hetro he will either ask you himself, if he doesn't then lift your left arm and scream " TAXI ".

All the best.

[zheer]

- It could be WOOORRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! and I could LOVVVEEEE HIMMMM!!!!!! 

  Don't worry there are worse things in this world than being rejected, most people go through it at some point in their life, believe me its a learning process and a lesson is repeated un-till its learned. Just remember not to fall for someone who is not going to catch you if you fall.

[pies]

What sort of 'gay' things does he do?

[slobone]

OK, if you want a serious answer. The problem is that "gay" and "straight" don't exhaust the possibilities. He could be bisexual, he could be in the closet, or he could be uncertain what he is.

Fortunately, you don't need to worry about any of that. You only really want to know if he's interested in you, right?

I refer you to a book called He's Just Not That Into You:

https://www.amazon.com/Just-That-Into-Tie-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213843738&sr=8-1

The basic idea is that if a guy wants to date you, he'll do something about it. If you're spending a lot of time alone with this guy, and he's never expressed any interest, then He's Just Not That Into You. Simple.

[mattgreenecomposer]

probably gay if your not sure.  Most guys will make an effort towards you or other girls that you should have noticed if your with him alot. 

[thalberg]

Well after six years at a conservatory I know a little about this issue.

Typically women at the conservatory who wanted to date an "ambiguous man"  would simply somehow bring up the topic of homosexuality in his presence ("my brother, who is gay by the way, came over yesterday......."  or   "a gay friend of mine and I were out the other day......").

Once they brought it up, they would make a point to say that they were fine with the issue and didn't have any problem with homosexuals. 

This way, if he's gay he can feel free to tell them without fearing rejection.  The idea is that once he knows he's safe, he'll come out to you without your having to ask.  And yes, asking is sort of off limits.
_______________________________________

Also---that feeling of connection and interest you get when you're with him---it could just be because gay men typically relate a lot better to women than to men.  I mean, is he looking at you with warmth and longing like he's dying to have you?  That would indicate straightness.  Or--is he just "so easy to talk to" and "I can tell him anything" and "there's just no tension and awkwardness at all" and "he's my soul mate."  That would indicate gayness.

[Essyne]

I mean, is he looking at you with warmth and longing like he's dying to have you? 

Yes, yes, and yes. There are hundreds of little things that he does when around me that I could get into, but it would take all day. All I know is that when he's around me, he acts terribly straight. When around everyone else, he's suddenly "gay." It's bizarre.

I've decided that I'm bored with him, though. I'll probably only see him a few times a year now that I'm back home, and there's really no point (I know it's horrible, but I always am interested in guys for about 2 weeks, then get bored and tired of the hassle. . . it's so much easier just to be by myself  ).

[thalberg]

I'm glad you're bored with him.  Honestly he sounded like a lot of trouble.

[Petter]

  Personally if I like a women I go straight up to her and tell her " hey I like You " if I hear " yes me too " ( which happens on very rear occasions) then all is good. However if I hear " lets be friends" then my left arm is  automatically up in the air and I scream "TAXI". Nothing is worse than the " lets be friends" line. Can't women be more honest and just say "look  F**ck off "

So basically if this guy is hetro he will either ask you himself, if he doesn't then lift your left arm and scream " TAXI ".

All the best.

Hate the game not the player?

[zheer]

Hate the game not the player?

I dont hate anyone, but sometimes I blame myself, thinking that I should know better. But I'm a man and I always believe thats its the man that should make the move and not fear rejection. So I will always take the risk and pay the price.

I also know that many more women will/may reject me in the future, but really I'm a man I can take it.

[Essyne]

Men should DEFINATELY chase women a bit.

Otherwise they get bored.

(points to self) Case in Point.

[Kassaa]

Men should DEFINATELY chase women a bit.

Otherwise they get bored.

(points to self) Case in Point.

Hey babe,

lets make sum hot steamy luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv tonight

[chopininov]

^^I wonder if that would be considered sexual harassment of a minor.

[Essyne]

Ugh.

I'm too good-natured.

I thought he was being sarcastic.

[pies]

Should be chased down and then beat for misspelling 'definitely'.  :O

[tds]

^^I wonder if that would be considered sexual harassment of a minor.

u meant from?

[tds]

for those who dont know, kassaa is 13, or 14 yo.

[zheer]

Men should DEFINATELY chase women a bit.

Otherwise they get bored.

(points to self) Case in Point.

  So do men, I have a habit of checking women-out a lot of the time, I cant help it I like  beautiful women, and I never complain when women check me out, believe or not it does happen. Actually I've noticed that asians and white girls seem to like mid-eastern men.

[thalbergmad]

   Actually I've noticed that asians and white girls seem to like mid-eastern men.

So do i baby.

Thal

[Essyne]

for those who dont know, kassaa is 13, or 14 yo.

This I did NOT know. . . lol. . . better now  .

I never complain when women check me out, believe or not it does happen.

I check people out all the time (have big eyes, so it's actually kind of entertaining - lol - that's why I'm not allowed back to the only "local" pub (45 minutes away)  until I'm out of the house  ). Anyway - I think it's fun if I check them out, but THEY should act. It's no fun not being pursued a little.

[zheer]

Anyway - I think it's fun if I check them out, but THEY should act. It's no fun not being pursued a little.

  Hmmm strange, are you very tall ? because some men in particuar small statured men will either feel intimidated or feel that they have no chance. By very tall I mean for women that would be over 5'9 ".

One more thing try to give men the chance to chase you, make it easy for them to come up to you, for instance don't exect to be chased be a stranger you think is hot if your sitting in a bus, its really difficult.

The best place for romance starts at Uni or college, as you get older it then becomes the work place,
  Here are a list of places where a man can chase you, at a party,  the library, the gym, a club, at a sports event, at a sports class, a master class, uni, work place, basically anywhere where they can start a conversation. I do it all the time, the usual stuff, "hey you look great", " Where are you from", " do you come here often", " waw your in great shape", " can you help me find such and such", " what do you think of this place", " can I help you with that"  nothing creepy about it, its more like starting a conversation the first path to friendiship, you know Men also like to maintain their dignity.

  Also remember each and every man and women have their own preference, you could be very pretty and intelligent but not some-ones type. generally speaking if you give a guy all the chance to chase you and they don't, take that as a NO, for us guy to know if the lady is interested we have to ask.

 I hope that helps.

[Essyne]

haha - I'm not worried about meeting Mr. Right. In fact, I don't want to ever get married. If something comes along, then it comes along. Other than that, I just wanted to know if the guy was gay or not  .

[Essyne]

And, reading back on some stuff that you may take the wrong way. . . guys hitting on me is no problem (I know that that sounds incredibly conceited, but it's the truth). It's just that this "gay/straight/I don't care anymore" guy was just about the 1st one that I was interested in/reciprocated some of his feelings. I'm no time bomb waiting to explode. . . I just like to play a little bit.

[zheer]

And, reading back on some stuff that you may take the wrong way. . . guys hitting on me is no problem (I know that that sounds incredibly conceited, but it's the truth). It's just that this "gay/straight/I don't care anymore" guy was just about the 1st one that I was interested in/reciprocated some of his feelings. I'm no time bomb waiting to explode. . . I just like to play a little bit.

  Well don't worry, chill, he's either gay or not into you. This happens all the time.

[slobone]

Women like guys who are caring, sensitive, good listeners, and who aren't only interested in s-e-x. Unfortunately, that doesn't describe most straight guys, especially at your age. Gay guys, on the other hand, it fits like a glove....

So enjoy the friendship for what it is, and remember that you'll probably meet a lot of guys before you find Mr. Right.