Topic: You've Probably Already Seen This, but. . . ! (Read 1392 times)

Essyne · on: June 21, 2008, 02:28:29 AM

Okay, I found it while cleaning out the bowels of my e-mail bin. . .

I think it deserves a little glory!

* * * * * * *

Subject: Evolution of Conservative thought in America

For those that don't know a lot about history...Here
is a condensed version...

Humans originally existed as members of small bands
of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in
the mountains during the summer and would go to the
coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the
wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the
splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing
animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking
beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the
Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as girlie-men or
wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of
group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized
by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth;
the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with
lime added), but most prefer a chilled glass of
Sauvignon Blanc, with passion fruit and kiwi aromas
which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out
on the mid-palate by peach flavors. Crisp and
refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on the
finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish
but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists,
dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter
rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also
bat.

Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or
Yuengling Lager. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get
more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
respond to some of the above goofy statements before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be
so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will
be forwarded immediately to other true believers along with
a Hillary Clinton joke.

Piano Forum

Piano Street Magazine:
A Free Grand Piano? – Scammers Target Piano Enthusiasts