Thanks both of you guys for the help, I guess, this has been a issue for me for such a long time, and well, having these inputs definitely helps me to find different approach to what i am doing.
I guess I got pretty obsessed about listening to my recording recently because I was so "off" in my playing that i had to quit playing. When i came back I had a lot of pressure to perform and make a living, I played a lot of gigs.. alot of them were horrible, I think the good musicians found it very difficult to play with me because I was "off" I would play so out of rhythm that it was hard for anyone to play with me. It's understandable since it was only 2 months after my surgery.. and i didnt play for an year after that. It's a lot better now that it was last year, but the progress has been slow
I guess what i am finding is that I sacrifice a lot of my tone for relaxation. when I play with relaxed hands the sound i get out of the piano is very thin and even, and i can only achieve a descent sound/articulation through tension. It seems like I have been struggling with the same "wall" since college..
I remember right before I started college, my piano first teacher wanted me to start working on Bach's Italian Concerto, and I am still having trouble playing that piece or any piece in that diffiuclty. I can't begin to imagine how much damage was done in my early college days..
It wasnt just the lessons, i remember being in jazz combos', they had this really crappy upright, the band director wanted me to play that thing and match the sound of the rest of the band. He told me that it was good for me and musicians back then used to do that. Looking back it was such a ridiculous idea, since the drummer and trumpet player played really loud and I cant imagine how an upright piano could match a sound of a drumset.. and i realized that whenever you go to a jazz club, the piano is always miced, noone in the real world was playing an acoustic piano without any form of amplification.
I remember i was constantly told to play louder and I was assinged a lot of finger strength exercise, and well i think that was how I started having major tension problems. It wasn't only after I studied with a different teacher that i realize how important to develop your playing before you can play loud.
Anyways i didn't mean to tell my life's story about the piano but i took me a long time , and i am still adjusting from all those things that happened 8 yrs ago. At least I can say that I am starting to build a healthier way of playing.. in some ways i am glad to know it doesnt have to be like what it used to be, its just matter of finding the right feelings on my hands..
I guess a big part of what keeps me going is what I accumilated... no so much in technique by in other areas of music. My compositions are very well received by my friends, my teachers, and even some of the musicians that I look up to, pretty much everyone i meet tells me how far i can go with the music "if i had chops".. looking back it was probably not the best advice, because it gave me a pressure to overreach myself as far as technical progress is concerned.
I know I've worked out so many things for jazz, conceptually, and a lot of stuff are in my hands, i just don't have the ability to let any of that come out. I know a lot of musicians including john Coltrane go through that phase where they need to sort out everything they know..
anyways I didn't mean to write a long long post, so thanks for reading in advance. I will work on the stuff you guys suggested.