I feel useless

[kelly_kelly]

The only thing I am good for is figuring out calculations for my chemistry class because nobody else understands them. Musically, I am useless (see the first and last posts of "Bad Performance Anxiety Experiences" in Performance for a full account). I don't think I'll ever be able to look my piano teacher in the eye again. Even my orchestra conductor has lost all respect for me. I feel like giving up on everything, because even though it will never be my career, without music life seems pointless... And now I'm annoyed with myself for being so ridiculously melodramatic. Yes, it was just two performances. But it's also more than that. It's the hours that went into preparing those two performances, and the realization that sometimes time and effort just aren't enough...

And now I'm ranting mindlessly. I guess I shouldn't bother total strangers, but nobody I actually know would understand. So it's either this or eat more chocolate, and I've already eaten my weight in chocolate, so...

[javacisnotrecognized]

Take a break from your orchestra, teacher etc. Maybe a few months. Do some study on your own. As for your performance anxiety, learn to play with your eyes closed. This will help you forget about the performance, and focus on the music. Playing with your eyes closed will also make your other senses more acute to help compensate, so not only will there be less visual distractions - you will probably notice things in your sound that you never noticed before. Do you improvise? If not, start. Improvise in front of a large croud of people, who aren't really focused on piano, but wild notice it in the back of their mind. (A diner or hotel lobby is ideal for this). Improvisation will automatically remove the worry that you will do poorly because you can end whenever you want. After a while, return to your teacher/orchestra. Tell us how things go.

[zheer]

Take a break from your orchestra, teacher etc. Maybe a few months. Do some study on your own. As for your performance anxiety, learn to play with your eyes closed. This will help you forget about the performance, and focus on the music.

  Thats good advice, though feeling usless does happen sometimes. When this happens it's usually a good idea to stop and do other things not music related.

[gyzzzmo]

Didnt we all love puberty?
Only thing you have to do is live on your life and dont commit suicide. Then you can laugh about all these mixed up emotions.

Go hormones!

Gyzzzmo

[communist]

well good thing your not old enough to drink  but anyway you will have to find some way to clear your mind and forget about everything except the piece.

[johnny-boy]

Hey Kelly, we've all had our share of failures and disappointments. That's part of life's scheme to keep us humble. Besides, we learn more from our failures than our successes. It will make you stronger and wiser in the future.

I heard Anton Rubenstein dropped 25-35% of the written notes when performing. People didn't care as long as he dazzled them. I bet Anton didn’t give a damn about those mistakes.

Anyway Kelly, hang in there, make the experience work for you.

You can always come here to vent your frustrations and disappointments. I'm sure all of us here can relate to them. I sure can.

Best, John