Jokes thread

[giannalinda]

Hey everybody!!! Post your best jokes here!!!
Happy jokes posting!!!
Abbey

[gep]

George W. Bush has died. Not to his urprise, he finds himself before the Gates of Heaven, where he is greeted by Peter.
“Hello, old chap”, George says, “good to see you, even when I’d thought the Boss himself would greet me!”.
“Oh, but He will greet you”, Peter replies, “if you choose to come in and stay!”
“I must choose??”, George replies in surprise.
“Oh yes”, says Peter, “all you chaps must first spend an hour in Heaven, then an hour in Hell, and finally you may choose where you want to go”.
That can’t be hard, thinks George!
“OK, old boy, let get it over with” he says.
“Firstly, you will go into Heaven, and spend one hour there”, says Peter, opening the Pearly gates, “off you go!”. And George enters Heaven.

What he sees disappoints him a bit. Just a hazy air, with a dazzling light in the far distance, and nothing to see but millions upon millions of little clouds, each occupied by a single soul, none of which he recognises, sporting wings and a little harp singing “Gloria in excelsis” or “Hosanna” over and over again. Well before the hour is over George is bored out of his wits. So when he gets back to Peter he exclaims: “Thát’s it?? That is all??”
“Yes”, says Peter, “and now you will visit Hell for one hour!”. And he points George to an elevator that appears out of nothing behind him. In he goes, and down he went.

But when the door opens again, George is startled no end! What he sees is a huge, white tropical beach under a cloudless blue sky. In the surf he sees lots of his old friends surfing, sporting bodies like ancient Greek gods might envy. Even he himself, to his surprise, now sports a body he'd only dreamed about. On the beach he sees even more old buddies, lounging in chairs and being attended by loads of beautiful young girls on long legs and sporting few items of clothing but huge, err, let’s just say you would have your hands full with even one! “Gosh”, he says, “this is Hell?”.
“Indeed it is”, says a voice behind him. Turning around George sees a tall, well clad men standing behind him. He would look totally like a Wall Street guy, if it weren’t for the two little horns, almost inconspicuous in his hair. “Hello, I’m Beelzebub, your guide for this hour”
“But this can’t be Hell”, says George, “this is beautiful!”.
Beelzebub sighs, and says: “sadly, we get só much bad press from the guys upstairs. It’s all jealousy because they can’t come here. But I promise you, if you choose this place, you will get all that you see here, and more!”

The rest of the hour George enjoys himself no end, and after returning to Peter he almost yells: “No heaven for me, I want to go to Hell!!”
“As you wish”, says Peter, and down again George goes.

But as the doors open nów, he sees no beach at all, but only a stretch op splintery rock, overcast with a thick and putrid air, and with fouls fumes gassing out of red-hot cracks. All he hears is crying, and screaming, and sounds of agony. In short, Hell as he had always envisaged it!

“But what is this”, he exclaims, “this is not what I saw just a moment ago!!”.
“No it isn’t”, says Beelzebub, now appearing before him in a form that is to dreadful to describe, all fangs and teeth and claws and whips, “what you saw before is what we promised before election, THIS is what you get afterwards!!”

[thalbergmad]

Due to the credit crunch, women are now making love to their husbands more often, as they cannot afford batteries.

Thal

[ahinton]

Due to the credit crunch, women are now making love to their husbands more often, as they cannot afford batteries.

Are you sure that this is a mere joke and not some kind of recent published pronouncement from the overpaid staff at the UK Office for National Statistics (www.statistics.gov.uk)?

Best,

Alistair

[gep]

Due to the credit crunch, women are now making love to their husbands more often, as they cannot afford batteries.

Thal

Or, in the more richer cases, cannot afford gardners, tennis teachers, stable boys and such?

What you say is perhaps because with no batteries they cannot play the radio any more, get bored and seek some other, err, entertainment?

Statistics also show that when the economy is going less well, women's skirts tend to get shorter. Happily, the summer is approaching!

British statistics also show that among those who work in the City of London then ones wearing black shoes have a higher risk of getting a heart attack than those wearing brown shoes.

Dutch statistics show that there is a direct and steady correlation between number of storks and number of children; the more storks breed in a certain area, the more children a women in that area will have.

All the above statistics are proven. Feel free to speculate about the reasons!

[thalbergmad]

What you say is perhaps because with no batteries they cannot play the radio any more

Well, i was not actually thinking of the radio.

Thal