Yes, definitely !! There are similar things about my own experiences to what you describe as your experiences. I think that, for me, actually finishing anything was quite a task for me. I would lose interest most of the time or just get lazy because I would cease to seeing the point ... or something. So, when I really decided to finish my degree and to have it be in music/piano and that, for the first time in my life, I was seriously going to give something absolutely everything I had to give (I felt that's what it was going to take in order to truly finish a thing) ... it was as though I walked into a tunnel and put those horsey blinder thingies on (so they can't see side to side). And, strangely, while I was in that tunnel vision, it was *hoards* of work in many ways, but it's like I would dig a bit in some kind of mine, I would find some kind of treasure, and somehow there would be inspiration about what I was doing and some kind of sense of purpose. It's like I could just keep going deeper and deeper ... until I smacked against something !!
For me, I had, I think, an unrealistic concept of what it would take to not just make it through my University program, but then to go on and build some sort of career in music. I really had zero idea at all, actually. In some ways that may have been good, but in some ways maybe not so much, too, I don't know. There was one point during my senior year where something really hit me. For a couple of years, I hadn't had many qualms about foregoing skiing trips and social events and such in order to stay home and practice ... not while I was in tunnel vision anyway. It actually made me feel really good to be sacrificing what I could in order to grow in ways that I felt I had wanted to for so much of my life. But, there came a point in my senior year where I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel ... and suddenly I had no idea what to do with myself ! So, one day while we were visiting my family and everybody had gone out skiing for the day except for me, I suddenly didn't see anymore what the point was in what I was doing and in the sacrifices I was making. My purpose in what I was doing somehow needed deepening, and the thought of suddenly being shot out of the other side of my schooling with no real plan ... well, that was entirely spooky !!!!!!
It's been actually a really long road for me since then, and extremely difficult in many ways. I feel really *REALLY* blessed to have found my wonderful teacher that I have now, and that has made a very big impact and difference in my life, for sure. There are definitely still times where my sense of purpose must continue to grow deeper, and that's not always easy and is almost always accompanied by some sort of feeling of being unmotivated in my practicing. The problem for me was that, before I met my teacher, I couldn't seem to dig myself completely out of the trench (well, I had to do some *serious* digging just to get to the point of meeting my teacher). I hardly had the confidence to do anything at all, so it was tricky to find the right kind of outside source of motivation (like giving a concert, for example). And, in many, many cases, I would perhaps be going along but my mind would really get severely into my own way and whatever progress I might have been making would come to a halt ... AGAIN.
Anyway, yes, it's very possible to get to the other side of what you are feeling, but you may need to work at finding that path. Strangely, for me, I have even had times of extreme passion regarding it, but when it came to putting it into practice, I just couldn't manage to do it ... or at least not consistently enough to really, truly get me anywhere that resembled being truly past the wall.
Well, I am just guessing that there is perhaps something in what I wrote that you may feel you relate to, and it's my guess that you are needing some kind of further sense of purpose in what you are doing. Sometimes actually just practicing can get things moving and will help to actually develop a sense of purpose in what you are doing. I think we seem to need some magical mixture of outside motivation with inside motivation ... ultimately they are working hand-in-hand ... but, it's like a person can just stumble or something into the right thing, and then just as easily stumble out, too.
hmmm ... I think I'll make myself stop now !!
Topic: In need of advice (not another "what to play next" topic, btw) (Read 1241 times)