got any good jokes? keep them clean

[princess]

okay, any jokes go as long but just remember, to those who're planning on reading the jokes, they're ONLY JOKES! don't be too offended by them and try to keep the jokes clean! thank you and i'm hoping to get a few laughs soon

[MzrtMusic]

Hercules, Albert Einstein and Quasimodo the Hunchback all get together one day. Hercules start the conversation. "I've heard that I'm the strongest person to ever live, but lately, I'm wondering. There are a lot of really strong people now, so I'm just not sure anymore." Albert Einstein chimes in "I know just what you mean! I've always been considered the smartest person on earth, but now there is all of this DNA mapping, and I'm not sure anymore either." The Quasimodo comes in "I have the same problem. I've always been considered the ugliest person ever, but I'm just not sure..." The three of them sit and mull the idea for awhile, when Albert Einstein says "Hey! Why don't we go and talk to God, and get him to tell us if we are the best. We can then meet back here tomorrow, and share our results." The other think that's a great idea, so they all go their seperate ways.

The next day, they come back, and Hercules says "Well! What a relief! I AM the strongest person on earth!" Alber Einstein says "Great!!! It turns out that I'm still the smartest person!" They are both rejoicing, but Quasimodo is just sitting there. They ask him what's wrong. "Oh, nothing... I just got some bad news. It turns out that I'm not the ugliest person in the world." Hercules and Albert can't believe it. They try to get him to tell them who it is, but Quasimodo refuses. They are just about to leave, when he asks "By the way... Who is Janet Reno?"


OK... Whatever... That was the best joke I could think of at the moment...

Love,

Sarah

[princess]

here are some jokes i thought were funny from another forum!

you know you've been in band too long if:

-You meet someone and and try to figure out which instrument they look like they would play
-When your mouth has the shape of your mouthpiece and you can't close it
-When you feed, give a name and buy baby stuff for your instrument
-If you go around correcting people on their eBay ads before anyone else catches it
-if u can tell a persons personality by the instrument they play
-the shape of the thumb rest is imprinted on your thumb
-you've ever worn your neck strap all day w/o even noticing
-you know everything about your music including the composer, what the composer was thinking when he wrote it, what the composer ate for lunch the day he wrote it, why the composer wrote it, how long it took for the composer to write it....
-you know everything about you instrument including the make, model, and molecular stucture of the brass
-it take 15 minutes to pick out the right reed
-you practice during studyhalls, lunch, and in your car while waiting for your prom date

[princess]

There has been a major scientific study into what makes people laugh, and apparently this was the winner. OK, off topic, but here goes...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[princess]

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of ashpalt under his arm. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The man responds, "A beer for me and one for the road."

[princess]

Quoted from another person on another site:

"This is a true story, as I witnessed this lunacy with my own eyes. We've all heard about stupid drummer jokes and the like but I think this one takes the cake.

I was at a local music store last Friday when this metal head drummer wannabe (figures doesn't it?) comes swaggering in. After looking with distaste at all the horns AND telling the clerk what he didn't like about the store, he asks for a pair of LEFT-HANDED DRUM STICKS!

As I was laughing my buttocks off & pointing at the guy, the clerk, just to remain true to karma sells him a regular pair of sticks for TWICE the retail price!"

[princess]

Jane's starter joke reminded me of a proprietor, who instead of a duo hired a trio:

A man, an accordeon and a chair.
------------------
This a true story:
here in Helsinki we have a popular jazz hang-out called Storyville. In the summer time they run an outside beer/cafe area where entertainment is provided reagularly by a keyboard/basist duo.
I heard a man saying to his buddy:
"Look, a two-man trio."

[princess]

Q: what do you call a guy in the bushes?

A: Rustle


Q: what do you call a guy who likes to swim?

A: Bob

[SteveK]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[tosca1]

There are many piano jokes on the internet in this vein:

Where's the best place to be in the piano bar?

Inside the piano because that's where the action is.

[MzrtMusic]

Mr. and Mrs. Jones had recently moved into a wealthy neighborhood. They were invited to a brunch at one of the other houses, and they were very excited to have a chance to meet some of the people in the neighborhood.  To prepare for the brunch, the couple spent several nights reading about politics, and good books and music and art to try and fit in with this crowd. When they were at the brunch, the couple was in a group of people who were talking about a concert the went to last night. One lady commented "Did you hear that Mozart? Wasn't it the most beautiful music you've ever heard?" Not wanting to seem out of place, Mrs. Jones decided to show her intelligence. "Oh yes, Mozart. I just adore that music... In fact, I saw him on the No. 5 bus going downtown just two days ago!" The comment was met with silence as Mr. Jones glared at her. They left soon after that, and as soon as they were in the car, he turned to his wife, and said "I can't believe that you said that... 'Saw Mozart on the No. 5 going downtown...' EVERYONE knows that the No. 5 doesn't go downtown. How could you be so stupid?"

[princess]

if music is the international language, how about YOU  try telling an eskimo his pants are on fire using only a kazoo?!

[OZPIANOMAN]

You can get someone to reveal their age by trying THIS.
Even if you just want to confound people  - this is fun.
Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked it through!!!

1. First pick the number of times a week that you'd like to have Dinner Out.
( Be reasonable...can't have more than 10 dinners surely?)

2. In your head Multiply this number by 2 ( Just to show who's boss )

3. Add 5 ( that's for Sunday )

4. Multiply it by 100 ( Need a calculator? )

5. Now Halve it !
Perhaps you should be writing some figures down  

6. In June 1752 Franklin did his most famous experiment, flying a kite up into a thundercloud and he was awarded the Copley medal in 1753.
So if you already HAD your birthday this year ...add 1753.
But if NOT ...then add 1752.

7. Now subtract the four digit Year that you were born.

You should now have a * Three Digit Total.

The first digit was your original number!
( i.e., how many times you like to eat out each week.)

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE.
?
...Oh YES it IS !!!
       
Variation #1:...If they'll give you that *3 digit total You can immediately TELL the person their age and starting number.
Variation #2:... I have them Double the final figure and then hand that to me.
A mental halving of that shows me the previous 3 digit answer and it's then less obvious to them how I know "their secrets".

Have Fun !

[lea]

why did handel move three times while writing a piece?

because he wrote it in 4 flats


.....yeah i know its lame!!!!

[natasha]

a lady walked into a pet store to buy a bird for her husband. she wanted something special so asked the lady at the desk if she had anything 'different'. the lady replied, yes we do, take a look at this "eating bird". she went on to say that the bird ate anything if you told it to. she demonstrated by saying: eat my pen, and ther bird swooped down and ate her pen! the lady decided to buy it and gave it to her husband. "this bird will eat anything if you tell it to. it can understand what we say!" her husband, who was quite skeptical said "pah, eat my foot"!!!!!

[OZPIANOMAN]

No Joke -

OZPIANOMAN's FAVORITE PIANO ADVERTISEMENT...
from popular Melbourne newspaper classifieds section back in the '80's:

" PIANO for sale. Lagonda Upright. USA
Good Cond., 88 keys, some black, some white ...$1800 "

 

[amee]

Im not sure if this is true or not but -

There is an annual awards show called The Stella Awards, which is about the most ludicrous and outrageous lawsuits.  Here is last years winner...

A man bought a new motorhome and was driving along the road.  Suddenly he had the desire for a cup of coffee.  Since the road was straight and deserted, he decided to go around back and brew himself some coffee (which, unfortunately, left nobody at the wheel).  Not surprisingly, the motorhome crashed.  The man sued the company for not putting in the instruction manual, "Do not go around back and brew coffee while driving".  Amazingly, he won his lawsuit and got US $500,000 and a new motorhome!

[amee]

Another one from the Stella Awards...

A burglar was in the process of robbing a house.  After he was finished, he decided to let himself out through the garage.  Unfortunately, when he pulled the door to the garage shut, it locked behind him, locking him inside the garage.  The family that he was robbing had just gone out for vacation, so he survived 7 days inside the garage on beer and a bag of dog food.  When he was finally let out, he sued for severe mental strain, and got US $150,000 I think for robbing someone else's house!

[amee]

One day a man decided to catch a taxi.  After they had been driving along for some time, he tapped the taxi driver gently on the shoulder.  The taxi driver screamed, swerved, hit the curb, almost hit a bus, and stopped inches from a shop window.  The man and the driver sat inside in shocked silence for a minute.  Then the man asked why he had been so frightened, and the driver explained, "This is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the past 25 years!"

[frederic]

Two people want to escape from a mental hospital. The night before the escape they plan what they are gonna do. One said that if the wall was tall they will dig under and the other said that if it was short they would climb over. The next day they went to escape but quickly decided not to and came back. One person asked the two why they didn't go and they explained that there were no walls.

[d1musicman]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
   
     -  A flat minor...

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

     - Hot, Cross, Bunnies

[S.Peterson]

Timmy gets a parrot for his birthday. The bird has the foulest vocabulary having gotten him from a sailor. Timmy does everything he knows to try and get this bird to stop talking so bad, he's played classical music, he 's talked very nicely to it and it would just get worse. One day he got so fed up with it that he took it and threw it into the freezer. The bird started cussing and swearing and suddenly all went quiet. Thinking he had hurt the bird Timmy opened up the door and when he did the bird stepped out onto his hand and looked up at Timmy and said
" pardon my most rude vocabulary, it shall never happen again and in the future I shall strive to please you more."
Timmy was astounded, he couldn't think of what caused the bird to have such a change of heart. Just as he was about to ask the bird spoke up again "I have but one question, what did the chicken do?"

[glamfolk]

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: A viola burns longer.

[princess]

aaaaahahahaha! these are HILARIOUS!!!! hahahaha!

[Jezzica]

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to
the elevator. and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open,  and
she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians
who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had
while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of
golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who
really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time
to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The
elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the
harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24
hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose
the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said
it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down
to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

And it's hot, hot, hot.  Sweltering hot.  Hot and miserable. The Devil comes
over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and
there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my
friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. .
.

. . . .  today you voted for us."

[trunks]

I feel like presenting jokes one by one, so here you go, the first one is a (simplified) variant of the Mozart joke that appeared above posted by SteveK:

Lady, to pianist:
"Have you ever heard of this Mozart? I heard that he wrote some beautiful music."

Pianist, to lady:
"Yes sure, and I play quite a lot of his music."

Lady, to pianist:
"Oh, that's interesing! And is he still composing?"

Pianist, to lady (solemnly):
"No. He is decomposing."

[trunks]

Joke No.2:

Q: "What would you do if the baby won't drink cold milk?"

A: "Why? Boil it, of course!"

[trunks]

Joke No.3:

My sister can bake cookies as delicious as mom.

[trunks]

Joke No.4:

John, to Mary:
"Hey, fancy coming to lunch next Tuesday?
Last evening we just had Kevin for dinner."

[trunks]

Joke No.5:

Epitaph:
"Here lies the body of Mr Smith,
who died in a car crash.
Rest In Pieces."

[trunks]

Joke No.6:

Epitaph:
"Here lies the body of Mr Jones,
who died in a plane crash.
His body was never found."

[trunks]

Joke No.7:

Epitaph:
"Here lies the body of a famous dentist,
who had been filling cavities all his career.
Now filling his final, largest Cavity he had ever encountered all his life."

[trunks]

Joke No.8:

Maggie Thatcher once accused a chap for calling her a 'swine'.

Chap: "It is against the law for me to call Mrs Thatcher 'a swine'?"

Judge: "Of course!"

Chap: "What if I call a swine 'Mrs Thatcher'?"

Judge: "Oh then that would be fine."

Merrily, the chap turned to Maggie Thatcher and said "Oh, it's my pleasure to meet you, Mrs Thatcher!"

[trunks]

Joke No.9:

A rude guy, holding a piece of meat with a fork, not knowing that it was pork, asked blatantly . . .

"Hey you! Is this pig?"

"On which end of the fork, sir?" came the reply.

[trunks]

Joke No.10:

How do you tell an idiot from a fool?

The fool is a person who screws on a light bulb while the switch is ON.

The idiot does exactly the same thing as the fool does, except the idiot screws the light bulb by hold it with both hands tight while rotating him/herself.