*Word Game!*

[Poland]

"you will curse the day you did not do all that the piano tuner asked of you!!!" then he left like a wind! The detectives, FBIs were furious, for they now had another case to investigate, namely the "piano tuner madness". Meanwhile, others in the house......

[BajoranD]

turned to stare at Mark as he threw a major fit. "Me! Me! Me! This is supposed to be about me! MY piano. My hands. MY divorce. The rest of you are supposed to be bit players! This is my show! I'm the star! ME ME ME! MINE MINE MINE!"

"Huh," muttered one of the FBI agents, as he watched Mark with raised eyebrows. "Yup," said his partner, "that guy's a pianist, all right."

Mark was suddenly silent, and with a fuming, glowering look, he pointed the stub of his left arm at the door and said . . .

ed: (By the way, Janice, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad! I hope I didn't!    I actually thought it was pretty funny!    )

[Tash]

'all of you out of MY house right now. the story stays with ME and the rest of you can go smash your own d*mn pianos for all i care.'  

But...

[Poland]

...nobody heeded him, for their attention was drawn to Ethyl, who recovered from her faint and started yelling like mad "...the piano! My beloved piano! Smashed into pieces by that wicked tuner!!"

"You! You! You!" said she as she pointed her finger to the FBIs, "care not about the kidnapped hands! I want the mad tuner arrested!!" .........

[Shagdac]

..suddenly it was silent, as if all were seeing exactly were all this had gotten them. Barry and Ethyl intensely silent wondering where it had "all gone wrong", the Mad Piano Tuner knowing he had been in the presence of parasites wanting something for nothing, and the FBI men confused, as they had always heard it was customary after your piano tuner beats your piano, for the family to invite the tuner to join the family for dinner.
So many thoughts to ponder, questions to answer, all while the leftover non-vegetarian chili grew cold in the kitchen. But what was MOST important, that nobody was even remembering now, was...

[bernhard]

...The Mermaid! She screamed at a high pitch, an unbearable noise that only fully trained virtuoso mermaids with years of instruction from Mermaid masters can produce. Everyone stopped arguing and put their hands to their ears.

Now that she had their attention she said:

"I came here to give piano lessons. I though t I had made it quite clear in my studio policy that I expected a tuned piano. What do I find? not only the piano is out of tune, as it is detroyed!" (The tuner shook his head in agreement).

"Don't you know people, that for teching to take place you need a good teacher, a good environment and a willing student? Is that what you call a good conducive environment? A broken home, unsupportive parents and the whole srew of CSI and the FBI. Didn't I tell you that I didn't want parents in the lessons? This is rediculous. As for a willing student, where are the Hands? And by the way, I have not been paid yet (mumbles to herself - which is after all the whole reason I teach in the first place)"

(The tuner agrees: "Tell me about it...")

Ethel and Mark look at each other in the ensuing silence and...

[janice]

Ethyl noticed that Mark had a hint of desire in his eyes.  But he quickly averted his eyes.  "How can this be?" Ethyl struggled with this question.  Should she follow her heart or not.  After all, she was now a "free" woman--or was she?  She slowly walked, almost glided,over to Mark, and she whispered those words that any man would want to hear.......

[Bob]

"Can you help me with this fingering?  Can you duet?"  Mark stood up before Ethyl.

"Oh, Ethyl!"  Mark exclaimed.

"Oh, Mark!"  said Ethyl.

As the two embrace, lush string music begins to play.  The camera pans away over piano.

"Where did all those string players come from?" asked Ethyl.

"Oh, who cares!,"  said Mark.

Mark and Ethyl moved toward the piano and begin to....

[Tash]

picks up the remaining keys and strings, and suddenyl get a burst of creative inspiration!

'Mark, we could make a truly original artwork out of this broken piano and make millions!' exclamied Ethyl *string players now start playing something brighter to relfect Ethyl's mood*

'Yes we could my darling' said Mark, 'But we have no artistic talent whatsoever! we can only play the piano. How are we supposed to be artists?'

and to that...

[Swan]

...the rich dolcit tones of Barry Manilow's voice wafted to them from the ceiling.  "Perhaps I can help.  I am afterall perhaps one of the greates musical artists of all time..." and as he flourished his arms in the most gallant of gestures... two hands, male, fell from the red pokered knapsack he had bought on special from Kmart.

The mermaid squealed her high pitch squeal.

Moulder and Scully eyed each other suspiciously.  

Grisshom and Sarah took out their little brushes and dusting powder in anticipation.

And Mark, as the hands came tumbling to the ground...

[Bob]

...lept over and grabbed those hands.  It was an amazing grab, the type of grab that can only happen in a word game like this.

All was quiet for a moment.  Somewhere in the distance a cow jumped over the moon.

     (alla Austin Powers)
"These aren't my hands, baby!" said Mark.

Ethyl rolled her eyes.

Mark continued, "Reeeally!  They're not mine at all!  I don't have hands like this.  Why these hands are...."

[Swan]

..."upside down you fool!"  Ethyl grabbed the hands out of Marks stumps and hit him over the head with one of them before turning them the right way up.  "See,"she said without patience - here's your wedding ring, which by the way, is MINE now that we're divorced."
Just then, the two hands that DID belong to Mark began to twitch in Ethyl's hands ...

[janice]

...and (to Ethyl's surprise) one of the hands reached up and gently carressed Ethyl's face.  She could feel her heart melt.  She still loved Mark.  "What on earth is happening to me?  I don't think I know what love is, yet I feel this tugging in my heart, a magnetic pull towards Mark.  Maybe just maybe we were meant to be.  I can't deal with this!!  I need a bowl of chili!  With extra chili powder!!"  Ethyl began to feel a warmth--no, a burning sensation--deep in her stomach.  Was it merely the knot that has been there since her divorce from Mark?  She then realized the many mistakes she had made in their marriage.  Or was this warmth merely the extra chili powder?  Ethyl felt a deep regret about everything that had gone wrong in the marriage.  She knew that she needed to take responsibility for the pain that was present in their marriage.  "Oh, if only I could remake the past!"  She thought to herself, as she let out these most awful, gut-wrenching sobs.  She knew that she had to allow herself to feel the pain, so that love and peace might abound.  But was it too late?  Just then....

[abe]

...the story ended abruptly...

[janice]

...the story ended abruptly...

Party pooper!!!

LOL

[janice]

but suddenly, the story......restarted!! (abruptly)

[bernhard]

“What was that!!!! I feel sick!”

Mark looked bluish in the face.

“I don’t know, but I felt it too!” said Ethel and run to the toilet to throw up.

Everyone in the room seemed shattered and frightened.

“It was like the whole space time fabric was shattered for a moment and then came together again”, said Moulder

“I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable medical explanation for what we all felt”, said Scully. “Something we all ate, or perhaps the mermaid, after all she has been out of the water for a long time, and fish does not have very long shelf life…”

Moulder was deep in meditation. Suddenly he smiled:

“That has to be it! What if we are all characters in a story game and someone decided to abruptly interrupt the story, and then another player suddenly and abruptly restarted the story exactly in the same spot! This would explain everything! And would fit perfectly with one of the crazy XFiles plots!”

Everyone turned to Moulder in admiration and…

[Poland]

.....and exclaimed "it can't be more true!

Moulder, satisfied by the attention he had drawn, continued: "It means that what we said and did were all decided by some players (including what I've just said)...and....our fate lies in their hands!"

"Well.....", said Scully "what happens to us, if those players decided to end this story we are in?"

Moulder, in a voice of authority, explained " We will have the feeling we just encountered, but for a longer time.......in fact, if no one ever start this story again, we will suffer from that feeling for ever!"

Ethyl, who came back from the toilet missing all of Moulder's explaination......

[abe]

...said, "Maybe I should just give up cooking altogether, before I kill myself and my guests. I'm always such a failure at everything." Aghast, Mark and his newly acquired pair of hands came rushing over to her and...

[janice]

...., completely unaware of the toilet paper that was attached to her shoe.  Mulder and Scully burst into laughter!  Ethyl acted clueless.  Mulder pointed to her shoe, with the long trail of toilet paper attached. Scully laughed so hard she wet her pants.  But Ethyl's mind was on something else. With admiration, pointed to the cream colored rose, which was in a vase on her piano.  "Oh look at what Mark gave me!!", Ethyl gushed.  And then she said.....

[Shagdac]

"Mark, have we made a mistake?  Have we ended US too abruptly?" Mark and Ethyl gazed at one another lovingly, knowing exactly what each other were thinking.
Slowly, a smile came to Mark's face, as he sauntered over to Ethyl.....he stood rather close, and took her face in hands and began to speak......

[Bob]

"Oh, Ethyl!"  Mark exclaimed.

"Oh, Mark!"  said Ethyl.

As the two embrace, lush string music begins to play.  The camera pans away over piano.

"Where did all those string players come from?" asked Ethyl.   Ethyl was a little confused.  A groundhog skittered across the floor.

"Oh, who cares!,"  said Mark who was slightly perplexed.

Mark and Ethyl moved toward the piano and begin to....

[Shagdac]

play a duet. "Heart and Soul" never sounded better! As they continued to play, Scully and Moulder remained concerned that their actions were being controlled by others somewhere who were using them to act out this story. Determined to discover who these beings were, (if they were familiar life forms at all), they quickly retired to the den and turned on Mark's computer. "Hmmmm" said Scully after signing in, "looks like Mark has made quite a few visits to somewhere called Piano Forum....should we go there"? She entered the address, clicked on go, and both stood there in amazement as......

[Swan]

... the computer froze.
"Damn," Moulder muttered.  "I'm sure the truth was out there."
"These are strange happenings Moulder."
"Indeed," said Scully.  "A man with severed hands who doesn't bleed to death.  A mermaid who teaches piano but whose tail still hasn't shrivelled from lack of water, a washed has been with five plastic surgeries to his credit but still has a face as ugly as a jackhammer, a piano tuning madman who leaves and appears again for no particular reason,  a piano that has been violated into smithereens but can still have Heart and Soul emenate from its ruins, a chilli burning oversexed woman who can't make up her mind -"
"Well there's nothing unusual about that Scully."
"You're right."
"And now a computer that freezes just when we're this close to learning the truth.  I don't think we'll get to the bottom of this one Moulder."
"But somewhere, out there, I know..."

[Tash]

and then they all heard some strange evil laughing coming from all around and above them.
'MWHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA' it boomed 'we have the POWER we are the GREATEST PIANISTS OF ALL TIME HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA' and a bolt of lightening and crash of thunder was heard from outside and the large tree outside the window caught on fire. the fire then caught onto the roof of the house...

[Poland]

...."Run for your lives!!!" yelled the FBIs. Everyone, except Mark, did as they said.

Mark, standing still and looking determined, murmured to himself: "I am not going to leave this house...no....this house is a family property...and it was once a great place for piano performing. And...Chopin had his last performance here in this very house, before he sailed out with Mozart and disappeared......"

Ethyl, who was the only one still in the house now, put her hand on Mark's shoulder, and whispered in his ears: "......

[Swan]

..."It's time for us to go Mark.  Can't you see that the all powerful fate determining force behind these strange happenings are becoming bored and wish to close this story and start a new one?  You've got your hands back.  Be happy with that. The mermaid has fled.  The FBI are looking for the truth that IS out there, the CSI have vanished into thin air, and the piano is in pieces.  Now the house is aflamed with the fire that is sure to consume us if we do not hurry."
"Then let it," Mark said. "What good is my life without my piano?"
"We can buy another."
Mark looked at Ethyl with regret.  "We?  Is there still a we Ethyl?"
"Only if we leave now Mark.  Look, even Barry Manilow knows when he's outstayed his welcome."
Mark's head lowered, resigned.  "Perhaps you're -"

[Bob]

... but everything faded away into nothingness...  


(4:33 plays)

     

... an unknown amount of time passes....




... and then a voice spoke.  It said, "In the beginning there was Do, and it was good.  And after Do,..."

[Tash]

...there was re. and me and fa and so la ti do. until tash came along and screwed it up in sightsinging' (true story)
and amongst the ruins of the burnt down house. a broken piano started to...

[Swan]

...to burn until there was nothing left but cinders and ash.

In the not too far away distance, a man draped in a large flowing black cape cackled to himself.  He held something in his hands.  If one were to look closely one would be able to tell it was a kerosene bottle.

"I did warn you thatyou will curse the day you did not do all that the piano tuner asked of you!!!"

With one final glance, the man in the large flowing black cape turned on his heel and headed down the street where he heard another piano suffering at the hands of a thirteen year old girl butchering Fur Elise.  Every now and then a PING PING PING could be heard in the highest register.

The caped man knocked on the door.  "Did you send for a piano tuner?" ...

[janice]

and who answered the door? none other than Ethyl.  Mark was at work, so Ethyl smoothed her clothes, and put her hands up to her hair.  Should she take advantage of this opportunity or not?  After all, she was home alone.........

"Come on in! I've been waiting for you, I can't wait to play" Ethyl exclaimed. (Meaning to play on her miraculously resurrected piano.)

"Oh my!!" said the piano tuner.

"This is the perfect evening for........" Ethyl said.

She was cut short from finishing her sentence.  She wanted to add "to have my piano tuned."

But the piano tuner had something else on his mind......

[Bob]

"Jesus Christ!"  said the piano tuner who had just noticed a painting of a religious figure hanging on the wall above the piano.  He made the sign of the cross over his chest.

"You're everywhere, aren't you lady?" said the piano tuner to Ethyl.  "I thought there was a 13 year girl in here butchering Fur Elise.  I guess I was mistaken -- I guess you were butchering Fur Elise!"

Ethyl looked flustered and turned red.

"Now don't get in huff lady," said the piano tuner while pulling his tuning wrench out of his pocket.

Ethyl was amused by the situation.  She offered the piano tuner a drink, a double entandra.  He took one.

"I really need to work your piano," said the piano tuner looking outside.  He felt like he was in a dream.  He felt like he needed consistency -- one minute he was tuning pianos, getting ripped off, the next he was madman wandering the streets.   He hoped his future wouldn't turn upside down again.  If only his life had some sort of backbone and consistent idea...

It was raining outside.  The rain poured down and the sidewalks glistened.  Bad weather for piano tuning -- the humidity would mean the piano would just go out of tune again.  But, then the tuner would just have to return again and again.

It started raining cats and dogs.  The tension was thick as pea soup.  "Why yes, I'll have a one of you cliches," said the piano tuner, accepting one of the deserts from a tray Ethyl offered.  The tuner was just about finished with his double entrada.

"Funny it should just start raining like that," said Ethyl.  "I wonder if it's a sign."  Ethyl pulled walked over to a table covered with a blanket.  She pulled off the blanket.  It wasn't a table at all!  It was a big comfy sofa!  The piano tuner looked a little confused by the whole situation.  He wondered if everything was as it appeared.

"Yes, I really think I should get started on your piano, ma'am," said the tuner.  "I SAID -- I really think I should stay here and start working on your piano!  I shouldn't go anywhere else or do something extremely odd.  I hope nothing else really weird happens and I can have some consistency now that I've said this.  I hope I can start one idea and continue it instead of having things change all the time!  That might make my piano tuning story last a little longer maybe!"  

The piano tuner looked at the resurected piano and then at Etyhl.  He began to...

[Swan]

...notice there was someone else in the room.

It was the thirteen year old girl!!!  She ignored her mother and the piano tuner with the rather strange long black cape and went back to the piano and started playing Fur Elise.  

Ethyl went red in the face.
She wrung her hands.
She went even redder in the face.
And then she could bare it no more!
She ran to the piano and started to PING PING PING!

Suddenly it all made sense to the piano tuner.  It was Ethyl who was PINGING!

"MOTHER!" the 13 year old shouted!  "You know I hate it when you do that!!!! Didn't you learn your lesson with Daddy?"
"Mark is your father?" the piano tuner asked the 13 year old girl.
"Well of course he is!!! Or at least that's what mother keeps saying.  'Of COURSE she's yours!  Of COURSE she's yours!!"  The 13 year old turned to her mother.  "YTou know that's the real reason why Daddy divorced you!  You just couldn't stop PINGING could you?"
Ethyl burst into tears.  "I know!!!  It's a curse!!"
The piano tuner became more interested.  "A curse did you say-" but was interrupted by a hippopotomus that ...

[Tash]

just climbed out of the fridge, eating a bowl of chilli.
'what the hell is going on??' cried the piano tuner

The hippo finished its mouthful of chilli and started to speak.

'i come out of the fridge whenever Ethyl mentions her curse, as it is i who put it on her and must explain to all others why she is cursed.'

'well,' said the frustrated piano tuner (who never seemed to get a normal customer) 'get on with it'

'ok' said the hippo 'well one day when Ethyl was wandering in the rainforests of africa...

[Poland]

...while I was flirting with my thirty-seventh girlfriend. Since she was a very shy, she ran away! And since then, I had a reputation of making female run away and no other female hippo may come near me! That's why I felt sure I should put a curse on this stupid Ethyl!"

The piano tuner, looking more aghasted than ever, said:" Well....do you mind lifting off this curse?"

"hahaha!!!!", bursted out the hippo "......

[Bob]

"I will only lift the curse once female hippos stop running away from me.  Or, once I find a soulmate female hippo."  said the hippo in a Mustafa-like voice.

"Then that is my mission!" said the piano tuner.  He wondered why he cared to accept the challenge though, being a piano and all.  

The piano tuner wondered where he would find a female hippo in the city.  In a flash of inspiration, the piano tuner painted eyes on Ethyl's piano -- Yes, that would make a nice female hippo to fool the curse-hippo.

Before showing the male hippo his fake female, the piano tuner decided to ask about the nature of the curse the hippo had placed on Ethyl...

[Poland]

"Well.." started the hippo, "really, it is a secret in our race, and I can tell you nothing more than this-we can put a curse on any human, whose IQ is below 70. About how it works, where it comes from etc, i cannot say a word more, for it is forbidded by our law."

"I see......., " nodded the piano tuner....

[bernhard]

Meanwhile the mermaid had had enough.

"How do you all expect a piano lesson to take place in this mayhem? I am all for parents sitting on the piano lesson, but this is ridiculous!

Here am I trying to teach this 13 year old brat to play the second movement of Fur Elise, and a piano tuner is painting eyes on the piano, the mother keeps pinging on the piano, the whole contry's security services are around, a hypopothamous is telling tall tales, the father keeps aking passes at me...

For crying out loud! How do you expect me to do my job?"

At that moment, Richard Clayderman, came through the front door:

"What do you mean? second movement of Fur Elise? There is no second movement in that piece. I should know I wrote it!"

"Yes there is!" Said Maksim coming from the kitchen with a bowl of chili on his hands. It is just that you have not the virtuosity to play it. Like me.

And to the horror of everyone, he went in the direction of the piano...

[Swan]

...and was within reach of the keys when Richard Clayderman crash tackled him to the floor.  "How can you even think of playing that piano when you haven't even properly prepared yourself."  Richard Clayderman took a red velvet cap with a white pom pom on the tip from his back pocket.  "How on earth do you expect to be taken seriously unless you're wearing your Santa Clause hat?"  Richard Clayderman rolled his eyes while he pulled down the cap over Maksim's swollen head. "There.   Now perhaps you'll sell as many records as me."
"Records?" the 13 year old brat said.  "What's a record?"
"A record is ..."

[Tash]

something i'm oing to smash on your head if you don't play fur elise right' cried the mermaid 'we've been playing this piece for months and months now and still you cannot get it right. i blame the mother for her continuos pinging-'

'Hey!' excalimed Ethyl 'you cannot blame me for this pinging i am cursed by the hippo it's his fault.'

and at that moment richard clayderman and the piano tuner had a synchronised thought

'we must kill the hippo!Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!' [lord of the flies style]

and at that moment all the members in the room started to go crazy like the boys in lord of the flies...

[bernhard]

That’s when Maksim, taking advantage no one was paying attention to him, manage to get to the piano and started playing. He threw his head back in rapture at his own sound, rolled his eyes and kept mumbling something. The music gradually sank in: It was Maksim’s own facilitated version of Fur Elise. It was even easier than Richard Clayderman’s.

Everyone fell silent and slowly approached the piano as drawn by a giant magnet. Their faces were luminous with a deep peace.

When they got close enough to touch the instrument, suddenly and in unisson they all threw their hands at the piano and started furiously: ping ping ping…

[Poland]

"SSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPP IT!!!!!!!!" yelled Maksim, in such a loud voice that everyone, including the hippo, was scared.

"What the bloody hell do you think you are doing?!?!?!?! Ping, Ping, Ping?!?! The most ridiculous action ever done on a piano? You, Richard, should know better. You, mr piano tuner, think how you feel when people do this when you are trying to tune the piano. And you......

[Bob]

"Who are you?"

"My name is Terry!" said Terry.

He began pinging on a C like a metronome.

C, c, c, c, c, c, c...

[Tash]

c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c'

'STOP IT!!!!' cried the room

'C C C C C C C C C C C C C' even louder this time and now in different rhythms and varied dynamics

'AGHHHHH I CAN'T STAND IT' cried Maksim and started to strangle the strange newcomer Terry...

[Poland]

..strangle...strangle.................

Others in the house stopped pingning and looked in awe. Makism hold tighter and tighter, Terry's face grew redder and redder.......

At this point, everyone would expect Terry to fight back, but Terry found that his hand's would be of better use on the piano, so he continued to "C, C, C, C, C, C.............."

[Bob]

.... but, of course, Terry was riled....

C, C, C, C, C, C, C...

The others joined in...

[bernhard]

That's when the mermaid intervened:

"All right children! Have you mocked about enough on the piano? what about learning some real song now?"

At this everyone gasped in shock!

The mermaid had used the forbidden word!

Maksim peed on his leather pants.

Barry Manilow's nose shrivelled.

Richard Clayderman mumbled to himself: "I don't really know what the fuss is all about, but then I am French, so I will blame it on translation"

Mark, Terry and the piano tuner hugged together, frightened.

Ethyl put far too much salt in the chili and ruined it.

The 13 year old girl said : "I want to give up piano"

Moulder and Scully had temporary amnesia ("I believe we have been abudcted by aliens" someone heard Moulder whisper)

The CSI team quickly fenced the area with yellow police tape.

They all shouted in unisson:

"Song? Song? you are no real piano teacher! Who are you?"

[Tash]

and then scully bounded over to the 'mermaid', pulled at her hair, and then her face started to come off! and the new identity was revealed to be...

[Bob]

Ray Charles!

Ray began to sing...


(Bernhard, you don't like minimalism?
Terry Riley's In C )

[bernhard]

..."Einstein on the beach"

Terry was livid: "Phillip Glass! Phillip Glass! why, oh why is he more popular, more famous and richer than me? The unfairness of it all! Don't people know I was the one who put order and structure to ping ping ping by doing it all in C?"

He turned to the others:

"You must support me in this hour of direst need! All to the piano! we are going to ping ping in C. Any octave, but only Cs are allowed!"

Meanwhile Mark had this huge book on his lap. He looked sombre. The title of the book was "Contemporary composers"

"I have bad news, Terry" Mark said. "Glass is in here, on page 333, but you Terry, you didn't make it..."