a very big, incessantly bugging disability

[ry10500]

hello all pianostreet members, this is my first post here in probably 4 1/2 years since i was last posting here under an old account. just decided that it's time i got some advice before i literally go mad and my future is buggered.

just to give a quick insight into my musical background, i've been playing since i was 5 and had lessons until '08 when i stopped learning at this school due to its unusually limited idea about music and teaching. then i went on to learn for a short period under a professor and stopped doing so in january of '10 and since then i've been completely alone in instruction.

to put my serious disability into perspective(even though i could never have the determination somehow to give up for more than a day or so), i never progressed or learnt much with any of my teachers, however competent and successful they might have been with their other students, of which i have enough evidence to believe in. all of them confidently proclaimed me a talented student, along with my supposed obstinacy, which i myself cannot be so sure of as to the accuracy of their observation, including the talented proclamations.

so far the causes of my ineptness(which only i myself believe as i should know best) have been identified as complete technical ignorance, impatience and as such lack of proper dilligence. i've always endeavored at improving but i find myself simply wasting myself away in mind body and soul literally. and now everything seems to go wrong probably because i regard music as my only way out in life in career and manner of fulfillment.

to further describe the seriousness of the matter, i find myself so rigid and intolerant of disagreeing elements that the slightest error i make is amplified millionfold and i absolutely refuse to touch anything that seems antagonising towards my tastes, although i've found myself venturing very willingly into those very realms of music lately.

adding to this problem is the fact that somehow even without passages that demand considerable strength of the fingers or wrist i still find my arms aching on many occasions playing only  for a short while and this is perhaps the most worrying and contributing problem.

so in short i'm pretty much lost and running out of tolerance(even though i still do not let go after having felt at wits' end for countless amounts of time) and am seriously hoping for any solutions that could exist before i get destroyed by myself or by the piano. everybody calls me talented because of i do not know what and i honestly would never hope to know but it irritates me that they should do so everytime i've made it clear that i make very elementary mistakes at my level. i can only hope for now that i'll finally find a way out of this demented abyss that is my confounded life now.

sorry if my whinging story has been too much to bear but this is where i've seen people get advice and i play my trust in this forum most.

[keyboardclass]

Loved the story.  I feel for you!  If you get easily tired you are making too much effort - tension is the culprit.  Get a copy of You Must Relax by Edmund Jacobson (10 a penny at abebooks.com) and do what he says for starters.   As for teachers - you would have been quite lucky to have come across a good one, they're pretty rare.

[ry10500]

thanks for the recommendation. as to that i wouldn't know since i have a friend who also studies with one of my ex-teachers and she just passed her atcl exams with a score of 82 recently. she was also one of those taken aback by my performance but i can't help but laugh at my own talent (lack of it too). come to think of it i don't understand how my teachers could have allowed me to skip grades 3 times if my technique fails me all the time while their students are much better off.

[keyboardclass]

Passing exams is easy, making music is hard!

[ry10500]

yes i was under the impression that in the exam theatre the examiner is supposed to look out for good music-making too. perhaps i have been overzealous in my belief in abrsm graded exam guidelines

[keyboardclass]

I'm a Dip ABRSM in performance.  I got there by playing musically not through scales, arps etc - I hardly partook of that particular daily poison.

[keyboardclass]

Actually, I'm off to play violin in Beethoven 8 this moment, which reminds me of a second piece of advice, - play in a good standard group.  There you have to be musical, something pianists don't necessarily learn.

[ry10500]

well i've never entertained those mundane scales and arpeggios practices but apparently they are important in providing some kind of security to your performance. just do not know how to progress from here then. ok that sounds like great fun i've never been able to find a group to play music with as well somehow. i've attempted to co-ordinate my playing with a recorded part on a keyboard i have but it appears i still require more practice

[keyboardclass]

Can you advertise for someone to do 4 hand stuff with?  Playing piano at home on your own all the time sucks.

[gn622]

Can you advertise for someone to do 4 hand stuff with?  Playing piano at home on your own all the time sucks.

One of the reasons i chose the piano it because of its "solo" nature

[starstruck5]

Could you post a video or recording of your playing in the Audition room? 

[ry10500]

yes well usually i do that with friends and any friends they might have at that time but worth a try i suppose. and yes that sounds like a good idea. will be posting one up asap hopefully. thanks

[starstruck5]

yes well usually i do that with friends and any friends they might have at that time but worth a try i suppose. and yes that sounds like a good idea. will be posting one up asap hopefully. thanks

Look forward to hearing you play. 

I always remember something Barenboim said in a Masterclass - I think it was the Lang Lang Appassionata one - anyway - Barenboim told the story about how he played for Horowitz - and he was told by the great master - 'you must always have veal' Of course young Danny thought he meant that disgusting cruel meat - but he meant will - you have to want to make something happen - really intend it.  You can think of this as a framework for your whole life - because unless you make it happen - it won't. Just believe you can and find a way.

[enjru]

You need to prioritise. You said that you're about to go mad and i believe you. You also mentioned being destroyed by yourself or by the piano, and I believe that is not far around the corner, too.

You say that music is your only way for your life, your career and your fulfilment, but please consider that you will have no fulfilment, no career, no life and certainly no music if you die.

Please get your priorities right. Your mind AND your body, including your aching arms, are telling you something, which is that you're about to fall apart.

Do you realize that a black and white view of the world is always going to leave you feeling upset and disagreeable, because in fact, most of the world actually exists in different shades of colour and grey? Do you realize that this negativity and pessimism pervades your posts so far?

Can you please make looking after your health, and in particular, your mental health, one of your most urgent priorities for 2012?

[ry10500]

right. it's been more than a month since i've been on here. forgot the password but anyway i've done a few recordings in 1 1/2 hrs straight and am ready to upload now but the problem is .mts files never seem to get uploaded and processed so if anyone is still interested i could use a little assistance here.

[jimbo320]

Hey ry.
A good file converter..... https://apps.foxtab.com/videoconverter/