HELP- head first into the scary wall!

[megadodd]

I've hit a big wall. Causing depression.
It feels like there is no way I can possibly conquer this state of mind on my own, I'm turning to anyone of you, experienced musicians or amateurs.
Please help.

A little background information about me; I feel that this is important to be able to asemble a plan on how to get over this "depression".

Last summer I got accepted to music collage.
I've never been so happy in my life, my dream is to become the greatest piano teacher.
My goal is to become a teacher, haha. But we all have dreams right.
So for 6 months I practiced day and night, litterally. The worked out schedual I made for myself was around 10 hours/day. 8 hour practice (including 10 minute breaks here and there to stretch body and eat fruit/snacks). And 2 hours theory, I never did 2 hours consistent theory practice though. However, I sat at the table for the time I'd said to myself sit.
This excluding the classes in the weekdays, which is- individual piano, theory, guitar, pedagogy, teaching and conducting.

It worked great and I made huge progress due to the time spent at the piano and all my hours after the day of work was done, I dedicated to listening to recordings etc.

Basically, everything revolved around being the best student I could possibly be.
My teacher is acknowledging my fast progress and I get encouraged because of her to continue.

----

One week ago, I didn't feel like waking up. And as I went to the piano, I felt overwhelmed by emotions about how I've cut my social life- I didn't have time to return their calls. And I told myself I was here to be the best, not to make new friends. So I turned down every party I got invited to, and every little gathering, like making food together etc.

I'm questioning my choices, and now when I sit at the piano, I feel like I'm getting NOWHERE at all.
I've cut my practice hours from 10 to 3 per day perhaps and even the 3 hours that for me feels like nothing, I can barely stand it. I still want to be as successfull as I've been. It has given me so much, but I just can't do it.
I sit at my room, roaming around this forum, youtube, facebook. Watching TV, not really doing anything constructive with my time that will make me really gain something the next day.

Now I'm in dire need of your help, how do I overcome this process in my life, when everything just feels downhill? What can I do to get back to the past 6 months routine? Which is really what I want! Don't get me wrong, because I really don't want any of that to change, it was giving me the best feeling in this world, to be able to go to the piano lesson and really prove myself worthy of my teachers time.

I'm considering this my lifes most important time, that has yet come, and perhaps one of the most important times in my entire life to be.
I don't want to waste it!

It has only been 1-2 weeks like this, but it need to end now.

Dear fellow pianists/students.
Please.

[keyboardclass]

Music is not something you do on your own.  You need to get out and play with others.  Also, goals such as 'being the best'  and 'proving myself worthy' are going to get you nowhere - you do it for the love, for the intrinsic reward.

[megadodd]

Music is not something you do on your own.  You need to get out and play with others.  Also, goals such as 'being the best'  and 'proving myself worthy' are going to get you nowhere - you do it for the love, for the intrinsic reward.

I respect your advice keyboardclass, and I will try and get out playing with others more, ofcourse I do it because I love it.
But I must dissagree with your thoughts on the way I think, atleast for me- it has gotten me alot longer along the way than when I was less 'dedicated' with my time.
That's the only reason I wish it to go back. Ofcourse I miss the social aspects of my life.
But I really am hungry for knowledge, and technicall improvement.

Is this something that is common among 'us' ?
Getting depressed and somewhat doubting ones abileties.

[keyboardclass]

Is this something that is common among 'us' ?
Getting depressed and somewhat doubting ones abileties.

Only if you're really good.

[keypeg]

The greatest were often the ones with the most doubt.  Someone who barely has ears will not hear his failings, and may be convinced of how great he is.  Rubinstein tried to commit suicide when he was a young man.  I think Horowitz locked himself in the house for several years (did he?).  As you improve, you can hear weaknesses that you never heard before.  As you strive to overcome them, you get a lot better.  Everyone else can hear it, but since your hearing and standards are higher, your perceptions will be different.

Also, what you are describing sounds like burn-out.

[megadodd]

What does it mean to 'burn out' exactly?
I've heard it a dozzen times, but I don't know what it is, in words.

[phil821]

If music (art) is something that mirrors life, you actually have to live to be able to play. You can't go back to 10 hours a day, in fact that is over practicing and you will injure yourself if you continues

Try to work on efficiency, concentrate more with less time is just as good as more time with not as much concentration.

[keyboardclass]

Chopin reckoned three hours max is all that's needed.  Of course it must be quality time.

[larapool]

Exactly -- it's not so much about how much time you spend sitting at the piano, but rather what you accomplished in that time.

For example, the past few months I fell into a slump even after sitting at the piano for a few hours a day.  But I wasn't accomplishing much.  Then suddenly I remembered one of the basic rules of practice -- that is, focus hard and heavy on a small passage of the music, and you will accomplish leagues more than you would just by playing through an entire piece in one sitting and trying to work on it that way.

Now I have a revived passion in playing.

Look for something to accomplish -- set a goal.  Find a very challenging piece, and chip away at it, while working on something more manageable in the meantime.  But (and this is just my opinion) you can't force yourself out of a burn out phase -- it's something that can only truly pass in time.  In fact, I found that when I tried to force myself out of burn out, I actually had less and less desire to practice each time I tried to play.  I just stopped forcing myself after a while and eventually got back into it.

But everybody's different.  These are just my experiences.  I hope you get back into playing ASAP.

[megadodd]

Thank you all very much!

I agree on the focused practicing is what gives results. I reckon only half my time spent practicing was actually focused and the rest just musclememory repetitions basically.
In some way it must help anyway. Although, I'll pull my target a bit closer from now on.

I don't want to get burned out, and if that already has happened, I'll just work through it with as little effort possible.

Goals are something I set every day though, it's the best way, for me aswell. Small goals, but perhaps my fixed idea of what small goals is, perhaps isn't so small.
I'll break it down a notch aswell and hope to get things going again- in a more healthy kind of way.

I'm convinced and have changed my point of view, I'm hoping for my sake this is what has to be done.
Thank you larapool, keyboardclass, phil821 and keypeg.

[costicina]

Welcome to the club, Megadodd!! Everybody experienced this up-and-down moments, but don’t worry so much…You have a goal, you want to reach it, you will reach it. It’s just a matter of organizing  your forces,  developing a strategy to exploit them in the best way, like a general with his troops. You are young, and irruent, and you have a monstrous Super-Ego (often our worst enemy).
The best advice that has been given to you is to put quality before quantity. What matters is not “how many hours” you practice, but “how” you practice.
Goals are essential in life, what you need is a  sound method to reach them. I think you can find a real treasure of suggestions and deep insights in this regard in  Bernhard posts (he was a member ot this forum, one of the most extraordinary person I’ve ever known). He  opened my mind, changing my approach to piano playing, and not only that.
Don’t be disheartened!!  I’m sure yours is only  a transitory mood, and soon you’ll regain  self-confidence and  motivation.  

God, I’m talking like a know-it-all   …sorry!  I just wanted to encourage you

I wish you all the best, and good luck!!!

Margherita

[ajspiano]

I remember just wanting to hit the piano with a cricket bat at one point..  and being so frustrated with my perpetual errors that I just mashed the keys to oblivion and slammed the lid shut..

I think you need to realize that you're a human, and humans have psychological needs. You NEED to get out and see friends, and do something other than play piano from time to time. Obviously you won't die if you do nothing but piano, but you will be driven to insanity - its like solitary confinement in a prison, which is not how you should be operating.

Also, respect that you improve your piano while away from the piano because you brain needs time to make connections. So with that in mind, less practice is not "wasted time" - breaks are good for your development as a pianist.

[decoyboy]

Hey don'y worry! Like Everyone above me has said everyone does hit that wall. Right now, I'm in that state as well with my Kapustin Etude, and I think we all understand that frustrating feeling. I too have the same mindset as you, where I want to be the best and I push myself to practice 4-5 hours a day to be the best and trying to get better. I recently attended a Q and A session featuring Marc Andre Hamelin, and his answer to having a productive practice is efficiency and moderation. Music is life and vice versa, so now I am trying to live on his words of wisdom and I recommend them to you as well!

[keypeg]

I remember hearing "burnout" and wondering what it was until I experienced it.  Basically there is only so much that we can do as human beings.  People with demanding stressful jobs, or who can't ever get a break, or push themselves, can suffer burnout.  Suddenly they can't concentrate, are tired all the time, feel miserable, want to sleep, to get away, are indifferent to what used to be important to them.  It is the body's way of saying "You need a break."  The body and mind have to repair themselves.  That's why sleep exists, for example.

[pianoplayjl]

Ahh don't worry  just don't worry and don't practice too much. Perhaps only 2  hours a day for a period before you feel the 'brunout' has left you. You are putting too much pressure on yourself I think. Sometimes with no pressure you might achieve more goals rather than with pressure. There are those people who are ok with pressure and there are those not ok with pressure. Quite frankly, I think I'm in the same situation as you are with my Beethoven sonata movement. I haven't been practicing that lately. During practice just isolate yourself from your sources of distraction. Remove them from your room/lounge, turn the powerpoint off, tell everybody not to distract you, etc.

JL

[teosoleil]

Have you tried CHAMBER MUSIC with OTHER MUSICIANS? You're suffering from a psychological reaction from your lack of social interactions. That is causing the problem, and in turn, that gets in the way of your practicing.

Balance your social life and your practicing. A little more practicing than social life is fine. Remember, even the great masters (Lhevinne, Schein, Horowitz, even Glenn Gould) had human contact outside of piano.

I wish you luck! Talking to people online is a good step towards recovery. I'd also recommend taking a day or two off doing nothing related to music at all. You'll discover a lot about yourself, I'm sure. Keep us updated!