How do you handle an adult student who is unreasonable?

[love_that_tune]

Okay, so this is a blatant request for sympathy.  I had an adult student greet me with anger because she didn't like one thing I said the previous week and she was sure I was mad at her for cancelling the last three lessons.  I will be first to admit that I was frustrated with her.  But her reasons had been legitimate.  One was a death of a close family friend out of state - so to the funeral and then the next week spending time with the family.  then another relative sprung a trip on her unexpectedly.   When I arrived for the lesson we chatted for a couple of minutes about how her trip went, and then.  Boom, pupils dilated, how could I have said this and that and didn't even smile at her when she was on her way out the door.  I assured her she had misinterpreted my words.  I have been teaching her seven year old too.  So after hearing her say three times that she was upset with me for making her feel like a bad mother,  I said, apparently nothing I say will make you happy.  20 minutes into the lesson time I said, You know what? I know I don't deserve this, I gotta go... and left. 

Aaaaaaaagh.  So I'd love to hear other's tales of woe with neurotic students.

[keypeg]

Do you want tales of woe, or are you asking how to handle such situations? (last line in your post vs. title)

[love_that_tune]

Actually, I guess both.  I'm asking myself is there anything I could have done to avoid this.  When under attack by someone for something you didn't do, it's hard to figure out what to do.  I'm wondering about other teacher's experiences of this nature.  I have had hundreds of students and really great relationships with them and their families.  This really blindsided me.  Wooooooooooe is me.

[pianowolfi]

Well, of course there might be many explanations for something like that, and many ways to try to resolve it. My suggestion would be to encourage her to address a problem as soon as possible, and not wait for one week until the next lesson! Offer her to talk about any problems or questions that might occur, as soon as possible, and assure her that she must not be afraid of talking with you about it. You can always talk. Misunderstandings have to be cleared as soon as possible.

[keypeg]

I'm thinking that as adults we're supposed to be competent and one some level may also feel the judgment of others, while it's ok for children to make mistakes and be incompetent.  A lot of what you related seems to suggest that she is afraid of your disapproval, needs your approval and reassurance.  Have you seen the site "Musicalfossils"?  Thing is that we adults look so darn grown up, that it's hard to guess that insecurity.  We bottle it up and try to cope and suddenly it spills out.  You mentioned that you had already been irritated.  Might she have sensed that irritation?  I wonder if you guys should clear up whatever is out there.

[love_that_tune]

So did I say she has cancelled 6 out of twelve lessons and I have continued to reschedule with her profuse apologies.  Was I annoyed at the sixth time?  Oh yes.  But I went to this next lesson with the "get-over-it" mindset and was preparing for a lesson and to discuss if a different time would work.  She also mutters constantly how indulgent she feels it is to spend $30/week for her own lessons.  So she thought she would have just her son take next session because she's "so busy" with committees and volunteer yada yada.  So I said, okay, so just your son will take.  Okay.  No, she still went on and on about basically the idea that she didn't want to take lessons with me ever because of what she thought said.  I feel like it's a mud puddle so deep I wouldn't be able to get out of if I tried.  I confess I'm confused.... don't usually admit to that.  This lady has me talking to myself.  The lifestyle she's leading, trust me, can handle $30/week.  It's actually my strong suit to encourage people to be themselves and enjoy music in whatever form that takes.  She's rather talented...

[keypeg]

Ok - maybe attitude and laying a guilt trip on you.  Written as mostly an adult student.

[cjp_piano]

I know it probably frustrates you and you feel guilty, but it sounds like most of the problem is HER. Don't take it all so personal even though it feels personal. She obviously has issues and it's coming out on you. I would put the ball in her court and let her do what she wants. If she's threatening to quit, let her quit. If she wants to pay every week but only show up when she can, let her do that. But I would NOT reschedule 6 out of 12 lessons! I actually hardly ever reschedule ANY lessons. I'm pretty full already, and if you can't come to a lesson, then so be it. People started having better attendance once I announced I would not reschedule!

[mcdiddy1]

Thats a pretty tough situation. I luckily have never been in predicament. Some of the thoughs that come to mind are the only feelings you can truly control are your own. It should like a situation where she may be hypersensitive about issues you have nothing to do with.  All you can do is apologize if the comments where taken in a way that was unintended and if she insist of not letting go recommend canceling the lesson for this week so she can sort through the emotions even though it may be for your sanity mostly. I think saying " I don't deserve this" and leaving could create a problem down the road because you answered her emotional response with another emotional response. It should like this business relationship is becoming more of a personal relationship. While teaching a personal component to it, you want the student to respect you as a professional. Ultimately an already emotional person does not need another emotional person to react to it but those situations tend to go better when the other person acts rational and gives them rational options they may not be able to see for themselves.

I remember a situation where I was angry at one of my college professors for not informing me of paperwork that was due for a class. I was ready to into his office and let him have it and take out all my frustrations and angry emotions on him. Instead he completely empathized with me, which caught he off guard. He then laid out a list of options I never though I could take and then showed me the reasons why the paperwork existed and why it would not be the end of world if I did not take the class right now. I left the room feeling much calmer and logical and now looking back on it turned out to be my benefit. I imagine if he had responded to me in , well it is your fault and turned the blame on me, the situation would have been very volatile and not productive in the least. I think I learned a really good lesson about professionalism and a little bit about human psychology in terms of dealing with an emotional person and that is what your situation reminded me of.

[love_that_tune]

I really appreciate your words.  And yep, I lost it.  i was ever so professional for about twenty minutes and responding calmly.  it was the third round of her saying the same thing that made me nuts and those dilated pupils kind of freaked me out.  She held her hands over the keys and said, "i can't do this."  You know, like I was some kind of horrible experience for her.  She then announced that she didn't have time to practice and would I teach her son only, by this time she's not even looking at me and clearly agitated.  You're going to have to trust me on this, I am normally a freakin' Mary Poppins during lessons and have a great time with my students.  I think that's why I couldn't take this in.  And by this time it's not making any sense that she would want me to teach anybody in her family if I'm such an unforgivable person.  All I know is I wanted to stop the whole thing.  You're right i was emotional.  I will think about the ways in which I have contributed, believe me I've done maybe a little too much of that already.  I've been teaching a long time and this extreme is hardly something I have experienced.  Thanks again for your input.  all of you.

[timothy42b]

When teachers complain about students here, I often end up seeing the student's side of it.

Not this time.  This does seem to be a difficult student.

I suspect from the description you're doing some things that contribute.  You're doing lessons in the home, instead of making her travel to you, right?  That has a tendency to erode the professional nature of the relationship unless you're very careful, and this student seems to have some boundary problems.  She's blurred the line between a music teacher and a psychotherapist, and dragged you over it. 

It also sounds as if your policies may not be clear and firm.  She should be paying in advance, and if she misses a lesson there is no refund and no reschedule.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your response to her rant.  Leaving a situation you can't fix is often the best strategy. 
     

[love_that_tune]

Thanks Timothy,  I was actually sitting here trying to decide if I need to email her or just drop everything.  My students pay for entire sessions, so she is paid through the end of this month.  You can bet my new registration form includes the words no refunds, no makeups.  I think I'm just going to walk away from this.  Too bad, her little boy has built in joy with music and is one of those kids who has fun learning piano out of the gate.

I am well aware that she is hyper, nervous, and overbooks her kids.  That said, i did not see this coming and this is me watching it going far far away.

I'm at a point in life where I don't "need" to put up with anything.  I've earned it.  Now I think I'll go enjoy my other students who are benefiting enormously from my passion and experience.

I confess it is lovely to see the words "I don't think there was anything wrong with your response to her rant".  Helps me let it go.

[birba]

and people ask me why I never teach...

[costicina]

But there are also lovely, easy to handle, respectful and well mannered adult students...like me 

[rachmaninoff_forever]

I always hear of stories where the teachers and the students don't get a long but both of my teachers and I are like family!  They often teach me for free a couple times a week!

But I've always wondered what's it like to have a teacher who screams at you, always tell you that you suck, and gets really mad like those infamous master classes!  Maybe I would like a teacher like that for a couple lessons.

I know this isn't really on topic, sorry.