What the heck is wrong with me?

[rachmaninoff_forever]

Alright, so do you guys remember back in the day (by back in the day, I mean like last late November/early December), I posted the first movement of my pathetique sonata?  Yeah?  Great...  I didn't record the last two movements of it, But I'll just tell you the last two movements of it were fine at the same time posted that video of the the first movement.  So the whole sonata was pretty much on the same page... 

That was a while ago.  So I practiced it some more, and I'm like, 'hey man, I'm getting better at this!'.  So June 2nd comes along, and I'm like, 'hey!  I'll play this for my recital!'.  So I did it, and it was fine.  After that I continued screwing around with it, and I'm like, okay...  I can do no better, that's fine.  No biggie'.  And NOW it's my recital in rhode island.  So I'm practicing it here, and I'm like freaking out!  It sucks!!!  Like there's no mistakes or anything (well there are misakes, but I can't even play fur Elise or hot cross buns without any mistakes so that's no problem), but it just sounds bad!  Like I can't get a good around from the piano!  And believe me, it's not the piano's fault...  So then the day before, I decide to run the whole sonata through at like...  What 40-50% tempo?  Around there...  So I do that, and I'm like, alright man, I got this sh*t in the bag!

It's the day of the recital...  I run through it at like 70% tempo and it's looking smooth...

Five hours before the recital...  I wonder how the pathetique is gonna turn out...  Hopefully fine...

Three hours before the recital...  Holy sh*t dude the Pathetique!!!  I'm soo nervous!!!  (that's because I was drinking a smoothie at Costco and I was in the cold section with a t-shirt so I was cold)

Two hours before the recital...  As long as I get through the pathetique, I'm home free...

One hour before the recital...  Whatever man, the pathetique is fine...

Half an hour before the recital...  La la la la la, running through the Appassionata at 70-80% tempo, la la la la la.

People start walking in...  La la la la la, jamming keeping my hands warm, la la la la la...

Alright so the ACTUAL recital starts in half an hour...  Cause people are walking in and dreakin atn stuff.  I'm talking with some people, getting pumped!!!!





Okay so this is where the problem starts...  I start the recital right?  And these idiots don't know how to use a phone, so they took a picture instead of recording it but whatever...  And the camera only records for 12 minutes...  I didn't know the latter at the time...  So...  I start the piece...  The big C minor chord... 

...
...
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IT FREAKING SUCKS!!!  What the heck is going on!!!  I can't get the sound I want!!!  It's been like this for like the past month!!!  I can't play the pathetique anymore!!!  Like there weren't any mistakes or anything, it's not like I'm not following the score, but I CAN'T play it anymore!!!  It's difficult to explain, it's like everything is out of my control and it just sounds bad!  I was soo freaking frustrated!  Dude everything just sounds bad!  This became by far the hardest piece to execute in the program.  I don't understand what's going on!  I could play it just fine a little while ago!  Nooooooooooo!!!!

So then after the recital, I talked to my teacher and was like, 'yeah man, that was the worst out of the whole program.  Don't play it for 6 months.  You play like you're scared of it'.  WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?!???!  Ugh...  I'm soo mad...  I freaking suck at that piece now.  I used to be decent, but now it freaking sounds like garbage...

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!?!

[dima_76557]

@ rachmaninoff_forever

It's probably not the Pathetique or your skills to play it that have gotten worse; it's your quality expectations that have gone up. There is only one cure: concentrate on VERY slow practice and differentiated touch. Exclude the piece from your recital repertoire for a while.

[rachmaninoff_forever]

@ rachmaninoff_forever

It's probably not the Pathetique or your skills to play it that have gotten worse; it's your quality expectations that have gone up. There is only one cure: concentrate on VERY slow practice and differentiated touch. Exclude the piece from your recital repertoire for a while.

Hmm, I don't know, cause if I have higher expectations, then why does my teacher say it's not as good as it used to be?

Yeah, I'm done with that piece...  Gotta replace it with something else now...

[dima_76557]

then why does my teacher say it's not as good as it used to be?

Kudos to your teacher for at least noticing that.
P.S.: It's his/her task actually to provide you with a cure. Some teachers just tell you the diagnosis, but don't understand the underlying issues themselves.

Yeah, I'm done with that piece...  Gotta replace it with something else now...

Keep in mind, though, that you can't just put it away right now. Deal with the problems in that piece, or it will haunt you for all of your future career, and it may start spreading to your other repertoire!

EDIT: If you perceive a piece as going worse subjectively, it will also go worse objectively, first for you, and then for all the others. This is a matter of everlasting nurturing to get yourself to ever higher levels of accomplishment. It's no sacrifice if you love and enjoy what you're doing!

[j_menz]

Hmm, I don't know, cause if I have higher expectations, then why does my teacher say it's not as good as it used to be?

Yeah, I'm done with that piece...  Gotta replace it with something else now...

Sometimes with a piece a moment comes where we get a deeper understanding of it. Sometimes that gradually develops, sometimes something just clicks over. In this case I suspect the latter.

You're trying to play with that added understanding, and your old way just doesn't cut it anymore. So it sounds crap. Since you are not just playing the old way, it actually sounds worse than if you were, because you are trying for new things and not quite getting them.

Give it some time, and keep playing it every few days. It will take time (how much depends on how much "new" stuff you have to incorporate, and how much added control/technique you need to do that.

It will get there, and be much better for it.

[chopin2015]

Did you take any time to think about why you love the piece or what it makes you feel? You know, how it should be played? You should think about the sound that you want, and then just focus your energy on that and do it! You won't forget the sonata. You could do more Beethoven! And some more other, new stuff that is pretty long and requires you to work on that fine skill of memorization. The longer you can go, the more better off you are...

[pjaul]

It could just be that you've played it too much recently and you are bored with it.  A break from it surely would cure that problem.

[dima_76557]

It could just be that you've played it too much recently and you are bored with it.  A break from it surely would cure that problem.

That is a way of looking at it, as long as rachmaninoff_forever realizes that the Pathetique taught him the greatest lesson he will ever receive in his musical career: it never stops with you being able to play a piece up to tempo and just "decently". For every 2-3 times you play something fast, you have to "clean it up" at least once. "Clean up" here means: go back to the basics of VERY slowly and concentration on touch, purpose. Only in such a way can a piece gradually become your "warhorse".

[maitea]

I have the feeling that your technique has developed since you first played it, Nov/Dec, but somehow you haven't transferred those changes to the Pathetique. When you play it, is like you are stagnated physically. On the other hand, your perception, ear, expectations and insight of the piece a deeper, but you don't know how to translate that.

This, of course is my advice without having seen or heard you play.. Take it with a pinch of sault, but that would be my "diagnosis".

If my perception could be correct, I would suggest that you need to gain more insight into the progress you've made, and know what those changes are. (It can be a problem to play good/better but not know how/why! obviously also talk to the teacher..) For example, you were not happy with the first chord. Ok, take a piece in which you are happy with the way you are voicing chords, and feel/see/think of the difference in the way you body, arms, hands, etc are responding. Why is the touch/sound better. Then try to apply to the opening of Pathetique etc.

Basically I think you need to relearn the piece, as we always have to keep doing, as Dima said "cleaning" it, but also, when at the hight of developing our technique, "adding" what we are acquiring through different repertoire. So the piece grows with you, and you don't grow away from it.

Right, I'm back to practice! Hope it helps a bit! Keep strong!

M

[the_fervid_pig]

Some good suggestions, all I'll add is that maybe you were nervous, and expected it to sound bad because of your previous misgivings so it did. You know you've played it better, and so does your teacher, but probably very few other people.

[karenvcruz]

Hi Rachmaninoff__forever ... you may laugh at some of the reasons I may give you ... but here in our country, we may offer some weird but somehow possible explanations when things like these happen to us musicians:

a.  the energies of the place where you performed the recital might have been negative and have gotten in the way
b.  you were extremely agitated about being agitated, and therefore, this may have totally disrupted your concentration
c.  You may be too tired our burned out about practicing to get it right and perfect- too much emotional fatigue can affect performance
d.  drinking something cold like a smoothie or shake may affect your blood circulation in the arm and therefore hinder smooth performance

As others posted, you may need to go back to practicing slow again by component, or at least rest from the piece for awhile... please don't let it traumatize you ... such talent should not be put to waste.  I haven't met you but you do seem passionate and intense about playing ... sometimes, this may be part of what we call creative "spiritual" awakening --  please note -- spiritual is not about religion here. .. it is about wanting to find a more meaningful aspect in something -- perhaps, the Pathetique is enticing you to find a newer meaning in playing it so that you can venture and try other ways of expressing its essence.

good luck

[goldentone]

Rach, if your teacher said you're scared of the Pathetique, you wouldn't be able to play it freely, but instead are just trying to get through it, which won't give you a good performance.  Time away from it as your teacher suggested seems good advice.  Don't fret, your playing ability hasn't disappeared.  

[danielekstrom]

I get that all the time with pieces; sometimes you really do need to just give them a rest for a little while. For certain personalities, there needs to be a certain feeling of novelty and freshness when playing a piece. If you play a piece very often for an extended amount of time, of course that feeling wears off and the piece becomes less enjoyable to play. Now that you've gone through the recital, I would just put it aside for a little while. It might not even have to be that long. It could just be a week or two. Don't listen to any performances of it, don't play it. Then when you think you might be ready, try a little run through. Don't worry too much about specifics, just play through the piece and see if it feels different. If it does, take it up again. If it doesn't, put it back on the shelf. You'll never "lose" a piece no matter how long you go without playing it, so you don't have that to worry about. It may just be time to do some exploring!

[senanserat]

I am no expert but have you tried to see if other pieces are suffering like this?

If the answer is no, then you're most likely "out of tune" with the piece to put it clumsily, what I mean is that perhaps you have burn out your drive for that particular piece and if that is the case letting it rest could work wonders.

Imo.

[senanserat]

Sorry for the double post but considering this is another day it only seems fitting to make a new post.

After careful researching I think I got an answer. You have most likely mistaken your libido for feelings of love, and now you’re caught in an inflationary spiral of sexual frustration.

Holy crap! You may think. An inflationary spiral? Well yeah, what I'm saying is that a James Bond-like phenomenon is now occurring inside your head.

So *cough* sort things out.

[furtwaengler]

It is possible for a piece to just run its course. There are periods when everything clicks, but then there is a time when its just not fresh and needs to be put on the shelf for another time.

Just curious where your recital was in RI? I gave one in Providence at a small place called the Music Mansion back in 2004 (wow). I've still got many relatives and friends in that area and would love to do another one.

[rachmaninoff_forever]

It is possible for a piece to just run its course. There are periods when everything clicks, but then there is a time when its just not fresh and needs to be put on the shelf for another time.

Just curious where your recital was in RI? I gave one in Providence at a small place called the Music Mansion back in 2004 (wow). I've still got many relatives and friends in that area and would love to do another one.

East Greenwich. 

Yeah, I'm doing another one in December!!!

I really like it there. 

My host family dislike it there; they wanna move back to Chicago, but whatever. 

[pianoman53]

So don't play the piece for a while. Leave it for a day or two, and then you just sing it in your head. It will sound completely different in your head, if you don't play it on the piano.

That usually works for me.

...
Or you're just sick of it, and then you should just leave it. Don't try to fix things, because it's not broken.