My music teacher discouraged me

[faa2010]

Last week there was a recital where I played the 1st movement of the Sonatina op 36 no 3. I didn't play it well, but some people of the audience came to congratulate me.

Yesterday, the solfege teacher wanted my opinion, and I told him what I felt, but he criticized me (even after he asked me) that I played very, very bad, that I had to low my level, to play another piece which was easier, that I am still not prepared to play a piece like that. I think he told it because he though that I considered myself a pro, but I didn't want to do it.  What he told me made me feel like my heart was hit, very harsh and that he didn't accept me like I am and he only put me in the stage just to make me look like a fool.

My other teacher, the piano teacher, wasn't there, she had to go out earlier because she was having the flu. I told her how I felt and what happened with the other teacher, she looked that she was more comprehensive. However, at the end of the class, she was a little harsh: she wanted me to be obedient with her and follow exactly her instructions, to play what she wants because it will be better and to quit the other pieces I have worked for a long time and I have to present later on May.

Maybe they don't do it because they are mean, and OK, I know I have holes in my technique, but their comments make me feel that they want me to play as they want, to follow EXACTLY everything they say and that I am one of the WORST students they have (well, with the solfege teacher mostly).

Right now, I don't know how to heal my heart, I feel right now that I shouldn't have played, that I was the WORST of the show, I had to tell them that I couldn't go to the recital, and that I don't have the skills to be a good pianist. And I am pretty sure that they are not going to encourage me to continue playing, in the case of the solfege teacher, I think he sees me hopeless, and so my piano teacher if I don't follow her.

I want to cry, but I don't know why I can't. Anger, absolutely not. Frustration, it was after the recital.

I don't want to play if I don't enjoy it and see it as an obligation, what can I do to recover that joy?

[amytsuda]

Good job for doing a recital! You are really brave. I remember you are an adult pianist too?

To be honest, I would not participate in a recital. I have a neighbor who is an adult hobbyist and she had a traumatic experience of playing among those confident kids... and those teachers judging everyone left and right. I have watched a funny interview by Kissin in which he shares his experience of the first and last competition of his life at his elementary school and his teacher was sitting next to him critiquing everyone which Kissin obviously didn't appreciate. 

Don't worry about it, just enjoy playing your music. You hired teachers to learn skills from them, so just keep them in that role for you.

[bernadette60614]

First, I think you have to consider that your teachers weren't intending to discourage you, but to help you become the best possible musician that you are capable of being.  I doubt if they would have given you any feedback at all if they felt you weren't capable of doing well.

Second, something I've found...I want to put the fancy icing on the cake before getting the cake properly baked.  Meaning I want something which looks (i.e., sounds great), but structurally make be weak and tentative.

My teacher tends to praise everything I do, but I know that frankly I need to step back, make my technique more solid and THEN try for the more challenging pieces.

[hfmadopter]

But I thought we already went through your discouragement and recital etc some time ago ? Or is this another one ?

[minimax]

I don't want to play if I don't enjoy it and see it as an obligation, what can I do to recover that joy?

Joy is Your VERY NATURE, you cannot loose IT, even if You really wanted to do it. It is not only yours but everyones, but most do not have a clue about it and they attribute joy to events, things, people - it is a huge mistake. Joy is felt if there is no disturbance - read feelings, emotions covering it and ONLY your thinking is creating them. You store them inside your body like Lego blocks. Remove the blocks and You body will be flooded with joy and happiness - not dependent on anything.

Compare it to an ocean, if there is no wind there are no waves - there is peace, joy. The waves are your thoughts/feelings/emotions - which is disturbance. Your desires and reactions to happenings are the wind. Change that, be neutral, accept what is, do not rebel and there will be no waves - and joy will be Your companion for LIFE.

Because You do not trust Yourself you depend on other people opinions. Why be a slave to that ? Why believe even your own opinions? One day you put yourself down and the other you praise Yourself. Where is logic in it? These are JUST thoughts! You are not your thoughts and feelings. You never were, are and ever will be THEM !!! Separate Yourself from them !!!!!  How to simply prove it? Can You watch your thoughts (or hear the voice in hour head) ? If You can, it means that there is duality, observer (YOU) and object that is observed (thoughts/feelings). You cannot be BOTH !!!! Thoughts and feelings as well as Your body, are tools that are at Your disposal. Learn to use them wisely, or that emotional energy will destroy You body, in time of course. But taking that as an idea will not do. You have to search and prove that to Yourself. It is not that hard if there is desire for it.

With that understanding You can then judge what You do, your performances, abilities, improve them or accept what is, without blaming Yourself, criticizing, getting angry. NEVER equate what you do, with WHO YOU ARE. It will free You from a lot of unnecessary emotions.

Learn also to remove stored in the body emotions. It will free Your brain, as they are attached there and like in a battery fill the rest of the body - every pain You feel is just that garbage. With freeing Your brain, it will be easier to learn anything and Your creativity will skyrocket - assuming that all or almost all garbage will be removed - and that will not disappear by itself. I can assure You of that !!!

You can find enough references in my previous posts to materials that will help you find and build good ground for Yourself - improve self confidence and be more free and not dependent on ANYBODY. All of that means You do not have to gain anything - just learn how to dump disturbance. The gold is there - just clean IT. Life will then open for You many doors which might be closed otherwise. Good luck.

[elconquistador]

Do what your heart pleases. If you want to perform, tell your teachers that and share your frustration with them, see if they want to help you. If you dont want to then just play! I just play for myself. No one else. It's my drug.