I have been lying to my family for more than a year

[faa2010]

This lie has become bigger each moment, since 3 years ago.

I only want to improve my piano skills and also present music exams, so 3 years ago, I entered to music courses which of course my family, specially my mom, was aware of.

However, I felt that I needed more, so I called for a piano teacher in the same school, and that was not so bad for that moment, just need to see him once for a week. From there, I didn't tell my parents about it.

Then, things started to get complicated, even though I started to improve in my music techniques and I have felt so happy to assist. Last year on August I enrolled to a non-official music school where I met new people. There was also a piano teacher who was only temporal because she was doing a favour to the owner of the school. When she told me that she was not going to give more classes there, I had to take a choice: to take piano classes also with her but without anyone, not even in that school, to know. And also, she has given me other subjects for an exam I want to take this year.

So currently here is my situation: I have 3 piano teachers, I am in a music school and I am planning to take admission exams in order to get to a new music school. And in the future I will take singing classes with another teacher.

Each of my piano teachers doesn't know (except for one) that I am taking piano classes with other teachers. Also they don't know that I am going with all in secret (only my family knows one of them and viceversa)

But the worse thing, because sometimes I regret it, is that all this whole mess has been kept in secret by me to my family, my mom specifically, because if I say something to someone else of my family, they can divulge it to my mom.

The reason I haven't told her the truth is because each time I have tried to tell her about something which is special for me, she starts to criticize it and starts to discourage me either on purpose or not, transmitting her fears and insecurities, making me feel so insecure and afraid of taking risks.

And even though I regret it, what I am not regretting is that I met interesting people and guides in order to improve myself in music, even though I haven't been admitted in a official school.

I would like to tell my family the whole secret, but I am afraid of the consequences, specially from my mom, I fear that she will get very, very angry.

I am not sure what to do.

[birba]

How old are you?

[faa2010]

How old are you?

I am 30 years old. I know, it is shameful, but I am divided in what I want to do and in what I should do.

[ted]

In general I would sooner tell everybody and be damned about anything rather than endure an ongoing web of deceit. For one thing, my memory is not good enough, and things have a way of finding you out anyway sooner or later, a chance sighting, a careless remark. On a few occasions I have perpetrated what amounts to a lie of omission about a third party, to prevent hurt to someone, simply forgotten something I have seen or heard, but I am still uneasy about it.

But I can only speak for myself and in general, a stranger on the internet. I am afraid the moral dilemma really does rest with you.

[birba]

Ted's right.  I've always been a bit like you.  I hated confrontations with my parents.  If i could avoid them with a little lie, i would.   Funny, though, with age i sort of like confrontations.  I've probably become a cantankerous old fart.  Anyway, remember, the confrontation lasts only a few minutes.  After you've blurted it out, it's a breeze after that.  It's like the first mountain in a roller coaster ride.  Anticipation, dread, cold sweats, then the drop.  It wasn't as bad as you imagined.  And your life is free from worries after that.
What's the problem here is emotional dependence on your mother.  And she's used to you being dependent on her ideas and feelings.  You've got to make a clean cut in that realm of your relationship. She's not going to like it, i know, but she'll get over it.

[faa2010]

Thanks, and that's what I have feared: I have a some emotional dependence towards my mother.

Not going to make the story too long about my life with her, but I have had bad experience and some trauma when I confronted her, the confrontations with her have left me bitter and more leery towards her (and with my family cause they can tell her). When I have told her something I want but that she doesn't like, she starts to discourage me or thinks further (eg. I told her that I was thinking in doing music exams this year, and she started to tell me about my low possibilities in getting admitted to a music school because of my age, and because of this and that, when those exams are just to get a degree in the ABRSM).

When I have confronted her, I feel worse, either for guilt or because she makes me feel guilty. And if I continue doing the things I do after telling her, there are days where she tries to make me feel insecure or to quit it.

[outin]

The problem is that your mother has a point. Yet it's your insecurities that make it so important for you to have her approval. If you really believed in yourself, you had no problem telling your mother that maybe she is right, but you are going to try anyway. But since you have a lot of doubts yourself, you would like your mother to lessen the burden of responsibility on your decisions by giving her approval. That's the picture I get based on your posts. So it's not so much about your relationship with your family, but your relationship with yourself that is holding you back and making things so complicated. I wish I had a better answer or solution to give you...

[indianajo]

People that criticize me without my invitation, get very little information from me.  A relative, I tell her "Merry Christmas", and that is about it.  "How are you?" is the only invitation she gets to tell me anything.
A teacher, they criticize you because you invited them to.  OTOH, they should praise you when you are successful at following their instructions.  The balance is part of being a good teacher.
Part of being an adult is deciding what risks are worth taking, to broaden one's experience and skills.  I don't bungee jump off of bridges, but I have walked alone up an access road to the top of a 14000 foot peak.   I don't take break dance lessons, but I do practice piano, and even more exciting, sometimes find occasions to play in public! You could get criticized there, or ignored, or talked about rudely which you might overhear, but it is worth the risk to me.  You have to decide what risks are worth it to you.  Not your Mom. 
My grandmother used to worry and fret about me walking around in the mountains of her home county, in late summer weather.   Yet she told me later, that when in her thirties she used to walk over a 600' high mountain via power line  easement , instead of walking around a couple of miles extra on the road.  This was to her job.  So maybe she was a little bolder age 35 than age 75.  Yes, there are slippery rocks, you could fall. Yes there are rattlesnakes, you have to watch and not stop on them.  it was worth the risk to me to accomplish this unique experience.  My choice, not hers. 
Unlike some silly people, I haven't injured myself and needed rescue on my adventures.  Except sometimes when I blow a bike tire 20 miles from the store, I catch a ride with someone.  Big deal! I carry a tube and pump now: the bike club that whizzes past me think I look weird for carrying all that gear that slows me down.
So restrict the flow of information to your Mom, send her a nice card and take her to dinner once a year.  Find some friends that enjoy stories of your adventures.    Doing volunteer work on a pipe organ installation, I've found a guy that finds my story of the "Leaning Two Towers of Junk" in removing a 200 lb dead air conditioner from the wall, rather amusing.  That is the kind of friend I need.  Cultivate your sense of humor and find a friend that finds your stories funny, is my advice.  And get out and play more: charity dinners for the indigent, nursing homes, street corner or railway station pianos, church picnics, somewhere.  SOMEBODY might enjoy what you can do. 

[dcstudio]

I am sensing something very wrong in your relationship with your mother... but I am REALLY biased when it comes to overbearing and controlling mother's who live in denial.

... it does not matter how well you play, how good your grades are and what monumental achievements you bring home...  she is not going to give you what you want...  her unconditional love and approval..

I always thought it was me who was the bad one... that there was something so fundamentally wrong with me that I would never be able to survive without her constant guidance.  I was constantly searching within myself for the causes of her issues... I kept trying to change believing that if I could just do better than I wouldn't cause her so many problems and then she would be able to finally be happy...( ) .  It was my fault --she was a great mother who could do no wrong and I was the ungrateful mean spirited daughter...lol.. 

if this sounds even vaguely familiar... get  out while you can sister.

[hfmadopter]

Lying can seem like the simple solution up front but it just festers fear and anxiety, the blatant truth actually works better, though probably it's a good idea to be truthful but kind. To me, and I'm my own living proof, by age 30 I don't really know why one would have to lie about what you have done. It's always nice to have family approval of course but it's your life go live it ! By age 30 I had a wife , kids, a house, good secure job, plus a side business to deal with. All up front with any family and if they didn't like what I was doing I just stated, "well I ran this all by God and here I am doing it". Parents don't live forever by the way, I'm 65 now with grand kids, both parents are long since passed away. All I can say is hope I got it right but it sure doesn't matter much now. Listen, your mom is always going to love you ! Period. It may come off rough at times but moms love their kids .

[dcstudio]

Listen, your mom is always going to love you ! Period. It may come off rough at times but moms love their kids .

that is simply not true in every case... and we do not have enough information to make the "always going to love you" statement with any degree of certainty.


do what is best for you.

[faa2010]

Update: I told my mother another secret of myself. I felt bad because she expressed that I lied to her or that I didn't tell her about it, then I had to be clean about it, she seemed to understand it, because I told her that if I had told her, she could have freaked out, become worried and stressed that in the process she could stressed and worried me more than I was at the moment. She told me that the next time she won't make any fuss about it and that the most important thing is that it was solved in the end.  However, she left me with doubts and worries, she left me with the guilt of not telling her and that I have to be careful of what to tell her.

[birba]

I don't know, but your mom seems cool about it all. I have the impression that these are all mind games you yourself are creating.  I would talk about this with someone.  Msybe a psychologist.

[chechig]

Sorry, but I dont' see the problem that this situation is causing you. I dont' see as if you were lying, you just not tell everything you do. I dont' tell my mom every little thing I do. I don't understand why your mom should be upset because you work that hard to learn piano, on the contrary, she should be very proud. You are an adult person that takes his own decisions. Dont' worry that much, just do what you think you have to do, life is too short to spend it getting worried for things that are not worth to.

[faa2010]

This is an update: I told her part of the truth, that I am going to music classes, which includes a piano teacher.  She was cool about it, of course, she got worried about me going alone in the streets, but for me was ok, I was already prepared for that.

I think in telling her more and more the whole truth, in the best way, when I feel it is the right moment, when I feel ready to tell her, when she is "ready" to accept it.

There is one thing that keeps me telling her the next thing: wanting to be a professional musician. Here are the reasons I feel I can't tell her:
- I am not sure if I can make it.
- She feels relaxed if she thinks I am studying as a hobby and that I won't quit my job which she considers brings me economical stability.
- She might become tense if I risk my economical stability, she will indirectly show her discomfort with my plan and my worries, insecurities and doubts will be the double.

Maybe these things are in my head, but the most important thing is that I am feeling insecure to be allowed to enter to a formal music school because of my age (I am 30, this year I am going to be 31), and my mother, knowing this, can discourage me more.

[adodd81802]

.

[timothy42b]

Your problem is not that your mother will overreact - she might, she might not, doesn't matter.

Your problem is how fearful you are.  Not to be harsh, but your problems are internal. 

It's not a horrible problem to have, in the grand scheme of things.  But you might want to see a counselor to work through some of this. Universities often have free counseling centers, if you end up admitted. 

[kawai_cs]

Faa, I have been reading your posts, listened to some of your recordings throughout the last several months. I think you are giving it far too much thought to make your mother and family happy. What makes you think you should tell your mother everything about you and what you are up to? And even if you do tell her some things you want to share, it should not really matter that much to you if she is happy about your decisions or not.
You are a grown-up and it is really high time to become more independent and enjoy making your own decisions and not having to explain yourself all the time!
 This is the only time in life you have to do it while you are still young. We are not getting any younger, Faa. Time is passing really quickly, don't waste it overthinking, feeling guilty and submitting yourself to anybody. Work out your independence and freedom and enjoy it.

[timothy42b]

All of us grow up without enough parenting.

With the best of intentions, no parent succeeds in giving their child everything needed to really grow up.  We are ALL underparented.

Some more than others, of course.  Some get 90%, some get 10%, some get enough abuse to be in negative numbers.

However.  Once you hit adulthood, it is YOUR responsibility to go out and get the rest. 

[briansaddleback]

This lie has become bigger each moment, since 3 years ago.

I only want to improve my piano skills and also present music exams, so 3 years ago, I entered to music courses which of course my family, specially my mom, was aware of.

However, I felt that I needed more, so I called for a piano teacher in the same school, and that was not so bad for that moment, just need to see him once for a week. From there, I didn't tell my parents about it.

Then, things started to get complicated, even though I started to improve in my music techniques and I have felt so happy to assist. Last year on August I enrolled to a non-official music school where I met new people. There was also a piano teacher who was only temporal because she was doing a favour to the owner of the school. When she told me that she was not going to give more classes there, I had to take a choice: to take piano classes also with her but without anyone, not even in that school, to know. And also, she has given me other subjects for an exam I want to take this year.

So currently here is my situation: I have 3 piano teachers, I am in a music school and I am planning to take admission exams in order to get to a new music school. And in the future I will take singing classes with another teacher.

Each of my piano teachers doesn't know (except for one) that I am taking piano classes with other teachers. Also they don't know that I am going with all in secret (only my family knows one of them and viceversa)

But the worse thing, because sometimes I regret it, is that all this whole mess has been kept in secret by me to my family, my mom specifically, because if I say something to someone else of my family, they can divulge it to my mom.

The reason I haven't told her the truth is because each time I have tried to tell her about something which is special for me, she starts to criticize it and starts to discourage me either on purpose or not, transmitting her fears and insecurities, making me feel so insecure and afraid of taking risks.

And even though I regret it, what I am not regretting is that I met interesting people and guides in order to improve myself in music, even though I haven't been admitted in a official school.

I would like to tell my family the whole secret, but I am afraid of the consequences, specially from my mom, I fear that she will get very, very angry.

I am not sure what to do.

I have tears in my eyes when I read this.

Why?

 Two reasons..

[kawai_cs]

Two reasons..

Brian, you know how to create suspense

[pianoplunker]

This lie has become bigger each moment, since 3 years ago.

I only want to improve my piano skills and also present music exams, so 3 years ago, I entered to music courses which of course my family, specially my mom, was aware of.

However, I felt that I needed more, so I called for a piano teacher in the same school, and that was not so bad for that moment, just need to see him once for a week. From there, I didn't tell my parents about it.

Then, things started to get complicated, even though I started to improve in my music techniques and I have felt so happy to assist. Last year on August I enrolled to a non-official music school where I met new people. There was also a piano teacher who was only temporal because she was doing a favour to the owner of the school. When she told me that she was not going to give more classes there, I had to take a choice: to take piano classes also with her but without anyone, not even in that school, to know. And also, she has given me other subjects for an exam I want to take this year.

So currently here is my situation: I have 3 piano teachers, I am in a music school and I am planning to take admission exams in order to get to a new music school. And in the future I will take singing classes with another teacher.

Each of my piano teachers doesn't know (except for one) that I am taking piano classes with other teachers. Also they don't know that I am going with all in secret (only my family knows one of them and viceversa)

But the worse thing, because sometimes I regret it, is that all this whole mess has been kept in secret by me to my family, my mom specifically, because if I say something to someone else of my family, they can divulge it to my mom.

The reason I haven't told her the truth is because each time I have tried to tell her about something which is special for me, she starts to criticize it and starts to discourage me either on purpose or not, transmitting her fears and insecurities, making me feel so insecure and afraid of taking risks.

And even though I regret it, what I am not regretting is that I met interesting people and guides in order to improve myself in music, even though I haven't been admitted in a official school.

I would like to tell my family the whole secret, but I am afraid of the consequences, specially from my mom, I fear that she will get very, very angry.

I am not sure what to do.

Is there something about you having lessons with different teachers that would make your mom angry ?  Something going on there in addition to piano studies ?  I understand your concern about making Mom angry. It is no fun at any age. With all that , it will still be easier in the long run to tell the truth. Keeping lies steady is alot of work.

[timothy42b]

Keeping lies steady is alot of work.

Worrying about them is even worse.

[briansaddleback]

I'm worried my wife will find out about that extra guitar I bought that is hidden downstairs closet , before I want to let it known to her.   The feeling is the worst when you have a lack of peace due to lying or non disclosure.

Everyday I drive back from work preparing for that day when I open the garage door and her standing there w that guitar in hand smiling at me like "get ready for tonite you're going to get something coming to you "  

[timothy42b]

"But honey, I bought it for you!"

[briansaddleback]

"But honey, I bought it for you!"

This is funny bc I did have to say that once long ago. she still "enjoys" that thing to this day w a smile on her face to me. I say. "Yeah...enjoy honey". Inside I say "grrrrrr"

[bronnestam]

Your problem is not that your mother will overreact - she might, she might not, doesn't matter.

Your problem is how fearful you are.  Not to be harsh, but your problems are internal. 

It's not a horrible problem to have, in the grand scheme of things.  But you might want to see a counselor to work through some of this. Universities often have free counseling centers, if you end up admitted. 

I agreee totally. You are 30, I assume you pay for your lessons yourself - well then, your piano lessons are your own business, so are your career plans. Period. You have no obligations to nobody, including your teachers, when it comes to your piano playing. If someone "demands an explanation" to any decision you make, it is important that you don't fall into the trap of starting making these explanations and "excuses". Make a firm statement by just saying "I am an adult; this is my choice". Do NOT tell them anything more than that.
Then if you need counselling or any other kind of support then please go find it. But not with your family. 

Most mothers want the best for their children; I am also a mother, I know. My own mother has had many opinions during the years. But I am 50 now, I do what I want to do and she has fully accepted this.  She is getting old now and we sometimes have the opposite situation. I had many opinions when she was about to sell her house and move into a senior apartment instead. She finally told me she WANTED and NEEDED to do things her own way. Yes, she made some mistakes, but I respected her will and we are fine. And there was a time when she was very controlling and I felt I had to get her approval for doing both this and that (including getting a perm when I was 20,  ) But that was a long time ago! All I needed to do was to stop trying to get those approvals. 



 
 

 

[yewtree]

This lie has become bigger each moment, since 3 years ago.

I only want to improve my piano skills and also present music exams, so 3 years ago, I entered to music courses which of course my family, specially my mom, was aware of.

However, I felt that I needed more, so I called for a piano teacher in the same school, and that was not so bad for that moment, just need to see him once for a week. From there, I didn't tell my parents about it.

Then, things started to get complicated, even though I started to improve in my music techniques and I have felt so happy to assist. Last year on August I enrolled to a non-official music school where I met new people. There was also a piano teacher who was only temporal because she was doing a favour to the owner of the school. When she told me that she was not going to give more classes there, I had to take a choice: to take piano classes also with her but without anyone, not even in that school, to know. And also, she has given me other subjects for an exam I want to take this year.

So currently here is my situation: I have 3 piano teachers, I am in a music school and I am planning to take admission exams in order to get to a new music school. And in the future I will take singing classes with another teacher.

Each of my piano teachers doesn't know (except for one) that I am taking piano classes with other teachers. Also they don't know that I am going with all in secret (only my family knows one of them and viceversa)

But the worse thing, because sometimes I regret it, is that all this whole mess has been kept in secret by me to my family, my mom specifically, because if I say something to someone else of my family, they can divulge it to my mom.

The reason I haven't told her the truth is because each time I have tried to tell her about something which is special for me, she starts to criticize it and starts to discourage me either on purpose or not, transmitting her fears and insecurities, making me feel so insecure and afraid of taking risks.

And even though I regret it, what I am not regretting is that I met interesting people and guides in order to improve myself in music, even though I haven't been admitted in a official school.

I would like to tell my family the whole secret, but I am afraid of the consequences, specially from my mom, I fear that she will get very, very angry.

I am not sure what to do.

Stop torturing yourself ,Tell your mom on her own.  She might be mad at you but not for long.


..

[distantfieldrelative]

I don't understand why this is a problem to have 3+ teachers. What am I missing?

[kawai_cs]

I don't understand why this is a problem to have 3+ teachers. What am I missing?

 I have 2 teachers and everybody knows only about 1 of them hehe I don't see a problem. The best thing about being an adult is that you can do things your way and don't need to explain yourself .

[brogers70]

The best thing about being an adult is that you can do things your way and don't need to explain yourself .

Yes, yes, yes. I keep wanting my kids to get that idea deep in their bones.

[pianoplunker]

I'm worried my wife will find out about that extra guitar I bought that is hidden downstairs closet , before I want to let it known to her.   The feeling is the worst when you have a lack of peace due to lying or non disclosure.

Everyday I drive back from work preparing for that day when I open the garage door and her standing there w that guitar in hand smiling at me like "get ready for tonite you're going to get something coming to you "  

Or maybe you come home and find her out in the driveway doing a Jimi Hendrix riff for all the neighbors. Or lighting it on fire and smashing it.   either way it would give me a smiley face .

[emill]

Frankly, I think there is too much ado over your "white lie" .... Yes I consider it a white lie since it does not involve a crime, moral turpitude, betrayal, treason, harassment ETC.  As you say you are doing perfectly acceptable things to improve your piano or music skills without informing your parents.  Unless of course you are still fully dependent on them for your educational finances and had make up some story to get more money for the extra courses; then that could really make one guilty and should make a clean break by being honest mandatory.

However, if that is not the case, then you owe NO explanation to anyone, including your parents why you had to get extra help and courses to improve yourself.  It does not make any sense why you should be anxious and guilty not telling your mom about the extras you have done to improve yourself. Or are we missing something since you characterize your situation as a "mess"?
   

[faa2010]

Update: Sometimes harsh moments can take out the best of the worst of someone. These days happened to me.

I had a big call up from my superiors at work, making me feel bad because now I have to change my schedules thus the music classes will pass to second priority.

So I told to my mother what happened at work and what I really wanted. Her thoughts were the ones I predicted: stay in the company, study music non professionally, if you work in a half time work you are lowering the bar in your professional development, the company gives you economic security and medical assurance, etc, etc.

However, I didn't feel nervous, anxious nor bad when she told me, because she told me that she would accept my desicions even if she doesn't like them.

In the past I could have felt insecure in my desicions, but now I feel stronger to take them, because during the times I have been in the music school I made friends and contacts, and, even if it is false hope, I am sure they can help me at least in getting me a new job even if it is not in a big company like the one I am right now.

[kawai_cs]

I could tell that you now sound much more self-confident and resolute. Keep it up!

[briansaddleback]

This is the only time in life you have to do it while you are still young. We are not getting any younger. Time is passing really quickly, don't waste it overthinking, feeling guilty and submitting yourself to anybody. Work out your independence and freedom and enjoy it.

easier said than done, right?