First, a disclaimer, I do not know you, your temperament, or the facilities you have or hope to make available to your students. I also know not of your academic training, or professional experience in the field and so cannot comment on those; I can only make comment or suggestions on what you have chosen to offer up on this forum.
Thank you for having the courage to do so.
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Dear Teachers –. What would you say to a parent who says you are unprofessional to be upset and ‘give up’ on a student who doesn’t practice at all for exam, especially when the mother knows he doesn’t practice?
Immediately, my response is the age-old adage: “you can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink”. From this statement, I can already see the motivation is not with the student; clearly, the parents are the driving force in this relationship. Owing to this, in my practice, these relationships have an expiry date. The instigator is irrelevant; the time this happens in usually when the child discovers independence, exploring opportunities on their own. Now, after years of battling with students like this, I made a decision not to enrol them, as the relationship, and time spent drains your energy, taking it away from students who’s motivation is internal.
I have a nice boy, I enjoyed teaching but he simply doesn't practice. We wasted 1 year, and I extended his preparation to 2 years due to not practice. Every lesson, I ask why, he says too busy. The mum even asked me to be more firm. I even sms him nicely, but no answer. Lately, she has been having huge arguments with him, nagging him to practice.
Again, from what the parent relayed to you, and what you have then relayed to us is that the parent is asking you to go beyond your role as piano teacher. That is, “be more firm”; technically speaking, before a child leaves the first social encounters, they learn their baseline social skills from the home environment. If the mother is asking you to “be more firm”, that means this is something they neglected to teach the child in their infancy.
Another example of this is when you see a child miss-behaving in a supermarket, restaurant or other public setting; this is a symptom that they were never shown how to show restraint or discipline in the home. The arguments they are having at home now, in fact, are now the resistance of change; the child now has to adopt a new ideology and routine. How can you change what is perhaps 8-9 years of habit, in mere months (or in this case perhaps weeks).
It is already 2 weeks to his exam, and he played horrendously. I was just so upset, and I felt the mother also wanted me to be more firm. So, I simply said, ‘ if you play like that, you will fail, please don’t waste your time, my time and your parents $$. Its ok, just use my lesson to practice' He complained to his mum about my behavior and what I said. This lady has exploded and sent me a very long sms, blaming me for ‘destroying’ his love for music. According to her, he is very upset that I have ‘given’ up on him. The thing that hurts me is I believe (before) I have been very loving and patient to him in the past, but this is exam!
Do not feel ashamed for your honesty; from the very beginning of interaction with my students, I tell them the truth. If they play horrendously, I tell them so; it is the only way they know that what they’re doing is not good enough. This child most likely has never been told the truth about anything, and so will try to find comfort from their enabler. Do not worry about the long letter; there was never any love for music, or rather, the reality of what being a musician is. This person simply went through the motions, and now has to face the reality that they are not any good.
This is a common occurrence; parents often express to me that they do not want their child to fail as it may knock their confidence and make them give up entirely, to which I reply “… and if they quit at the first hurdle, then they never really loved it.” To all people here, think about how many times you have failed, no matter how small; directly to the professionals, think about how many times you were unsuccessful before you reached the point that you are at now. Also, think about all those competitions, there is only ever one winner; sometimes they come back year in, year out, and still don’t make it past round one; the ones who quit are the ones who don’t deserve to win.
She asked to stop lessons and I even apologized nicely, that I was not successful with him. She also mentioned I am not teaching him correctly. I feel like telling her, if I didn’t teach correctly, er.. why on earth did he get good marks for grade 1 exam with me?
Cut your losses, and chalk this up to experience. They will likely leave and find another teacher who will tell him the same things you have; they will likely leave them too. Don’t take it personally, it comes with the territory. Under no circumstances do you reply in text format of any kind in an emotional state; it will become ammunition to tarnish your reputation.
The problem is she lives in my block with many parents who may be my potential clients. I don't think she will, but she may 'bad mouth' me to them. She is actually a nice lady, I think she is very stressed now, and her son fighting with her so she is taking it out on ME. (She also complained her newborn is sick etc.) I am happy to let this student go, but deep down, I feel I need to defend myself – should I? Its like, I can’t get away with you thinking I am a bad teacher Sad Its just not fair to blame me for 'killing' his passion!
When you feel the need to defend yourself, it is because subconsciously, you feel like you have been attacked. This will be hard, but … let it go. There will be other students, and people who matter are good at making up their own mind. People who listen to rumer, slander and gossip are generally small minded and not of the mind-set for something as large as music lessons; the focus for these type, “look at what I am doing”, music being a secondary concern.
Please do not let this minor set back consume your thoughts; this is but one stage in your journey. In years you will look back and remember this person, and fail to find their name. They will be one face in hundreds; I say that from my own experiences.
Deep down, you know the students who appreciate you; do it for them.
Topic: Unprofessional Teacher?