Have you ever had a "defining" moment when you finally thought "yes, there is a reason for all of this!"
We learned my grandmother was dying of an aggressive cancer, 8 months or so ago. Around October she asked me "play Malaguena, my favorite piece ever" - I didn't know of what she was referring, but I looked it up. I thought it might be a bit out of my reach (I've been playing just over a year, but I have made exceptional progress), but I wanted to learn it for her in time. We made a promise - "I'll promise to learn it for you Gram if you promise to stick around and hear it". It was about this time as well that I started really understanding the techniques of learning as presented by Bernhard and Chang, so I went about it hoping somehow I could learn to play this piece well in a short time (You may remember the "Pauls Plan to Try it himself" thread a while ago). I got all the notes memorized and playable, but not at a "performance level" (as far as I was concerned, that is, reaching the blazing 200bmp moments with crystaline clarity)
At Christmas I played it for her, not perfect of course, but so what. She was brought to tears and said "I can die now".
Last week shortly after the new year she passed away. Gram always loved it when I played for her, so my mother convinced me to perform at the funeral. Difficult of course, but I got up there and played two Chopin pieces she liked (the prelude in eminor and the waltz in aminor) - mom and other family members asked prior "will you play Malaguena" and I said "no way, it's not ready for performance"..
I found myself performing the Chopin with a clarity and ease I have never experienced before.. My ego was completely detached, I was in fact observing myself play these pieces, quite literally, better than I ever have. The last note of the Waltz rang out and instead of getting up to return to my seat, I lifted my left hand and dropped it into the first chord of the Malaguena (having not considered actually playing it until that moment)
I could hear a outpouring of sobbing from many family members, as they knew what this piece meant to my Grandma, and nobody was expecting me to play it, not even me. I briefly said to myself "what am I doing! This isn't ready" but I quickly lost track of my thoughts.
Again, I found myself an observer, all the inhibitions, places in the piece where my teacher wrote on the score "trust yourself" - places where I had been so consumed trying to get the explosive speeds, those thoughts and self-doubts were all completely missing (after all, I litereally picked the piece up less than 3 months ago) - My hands were quite literally on autopilot, I was in some kind of trance, tears running down my face as I played an essentially flawless, explosive and very emotional rendition, better than I had ever played it in practice, at home or at a lesson.
Following the service, the Choir director told me that in 25 years at that church, she has never heard that piano played so beautifully. The choir, none of whom knew my Grandma, were in tears as well. The priest approached me and said, "my god man, Malaguena! I've heard that played by the masters and your reading of it was spectacular" - my parents, extended family were all expressing their gratitude, how much it meant to them, how much it would have meant to Gramma. My only comment was "I felt like I was unconcious the entire time I was playing"
To be able to do that for them, for her, just makes it all worth it. It was a true moment of clarity, surrounded by sadness that punched right through into the hearts of everybody there, myself included.
-Paul