When Friends Ask you to Play Something....

[rmchenry]

Hi all,
I'm curious to know firstly whether you come across this situation and if so what you do about it.
Most friends and relatives know that I play the piano and from time to time either at a family gathering or often at someone else's place with a function of some sort I get asked to play something.
Almost invariably, whatever the piece, within a couple of bars people start talking amongst themselves taking not the slightest bit of notice of what's being played.
I presume that's just how "pop music" is treated these days and to be sure most of it doesn't warrant much more than that.
What I usually do in this situation is just skip to the end of the peace and walk away. I get very annoyed by it but try not to show it.
I've toyed with the idea of saying "sure I will play something for you but this type of music does take a lot of concentration and is hard to play if people are talking in the background". I suspect this would go down like the proverbial lead balloon.

I'm curious to know what others do in what I suspect is an all too common occurrence in this age where knowledge and appreciation of fine music seem extremely rare.

[j_tour]

Heh.  Yeah, story of my life.

I just treat those occasions like any other:  start off with a little flourish or brief passage work so people know I'm not kidding around and can actually play, then just segue into playing whatever I want.

The "right people" will get it, and who cares about the rest! 

[gipsypiano]

hello,
its not easy doing sensible, living music in times of zombie apocalypse.
Making free street music outside at nice places and in nature/parcs with little instruments like flute, drums and other
is a great exercise to learn to do your thing no matter what happens around and with street music, many people ignore anyways, especially if the music is not known and violent, stupid or loud.
Inside a building, 2 things can happen.
Either people continue/restart talking or other which shows me that theyre really respectless idiots/zombies (if I play well) or they are hypnotized and unable to do anything but listen wich means that either theyre no zombies and still a bit alive and/or it means that the instrument and me make some quite magic, electric stuff.
When I am not in my best shape and my playing is not magic and electric but just playing (like is the case on most of my youtube videos, sorry about that)
then its also a bit my fault but people talking on top of that are still respectless zombies/living dead no matter to whom they do that.
In the end maybe theyre just infected by the zombie virus called jealousy which also explains such behaviour espacially if youre a bit good looking and playing with even the slightest traces of love energy which is zombie killer number one. Or youre not enough sexy looking, its hard to know whats going on in the mind of a zombie/ a liar.
 
have a nice day

[dogperson]

Friends ask you to ‘play something’, not because they like classical music but because you are friends.  If their lack of attention bothers you this much, the only solution is to stop accepting the invitation, because you will not change their behavior.  You need to change your reaction by either accepting the lack of attention or avoiding the playing.

[ted]

...within a couple of bars people start talking amongst themselves taking not the slightest bit of notice of what's being played.

I cannot recall that ever having happened to me, I have the converse problem. I don't play for people very often but on the occasions I do everything goes uncomfortably quiet and I become self-conscious to the detriment of the music; but only with playing pieces, improvising doesn't bother me a scrap. I rather wish they would start talking, I am a horrible performer.

[brogers70]

Having people talking and not paying attention while you're playing can be great. It's a low-risk opportunity to practice performing. It's enough of a performance that you'll be more nervous than playing alone in your practice room, but it's much less nerve wracking than playing a recital. A least that's how it works for me. I'd say just use those situations as a way to work on stage fright and don't worry about whether people really have an interest in the music.

[gipsypiano]

Having people talking and not paying attention while you're playing can be great. It's a low-risk opportunity to practice performing. It's enough of a performance that you'll be more nervous than playing alone in your practice room, but it's much less nerve wracking than playing a recital. A least that's how it works for me. I'd say just use those situations as a way to work on stage fright and don't worry about whether people really have an interest in the music.

Thank you for the kind words after me.

[julytwenty]

Both my husband and myself had some
"miserable" show monkey experiences growing up as instruments practicing kids. Family just assume this is "mandatory" entertainments during holiday gathering. And so we both grew up to adults not talking about our "instruments" playing past. We do, sometimes play or talk about music when in the occasions with good amount of music lovers in place.

I don't like the feeling treated as show monkey no matter what even if I am asked to "play something", if people want to be creative or they want "something", they can sing as well.

The latest "request" I've got is to "copy" Alicia Keys.... errr

[quantum]

I've been trying to minimize playing in these situations.  The most egregious are the ones that bubble over with enthusiasm blurting out "oh I haven't seen you in such a long time, can you play for me, please, please, please..." Fifteen seconds into the music, they start loudly yaking to other people in the room, not about the music, but anything else "oh did you watch the game last night?" When the music ends they blurt out "That was lovely.  Can you play another, please, please, please.   Can you play Canon in ***** please, I think that is the most beautiful piece ever."  The cycle starts again... They request a piece and still don't have the attention span to listen to their own request. 

It is one thing if it is a paid lounge gig where such interruptions are part of the job, but it is not - such function usually takes place at a family members home, or even my home.  I used to play through the noise, however, I have been considering other options that do not encourage such despicable behaviour.  Maybe engaging with the person that made the request, and asking what they thought about the music after playing it.  After all, if a person makes a request there is a reasonable expectation that they are prepared to reciprocate by listening to the thing they ask for. If the people are being particularly disrespectful, I would be inclined to unceremoniously stop playing and walk away. 

IMO in social gatherings play for the people that are genuinely interested, the ones that are willing to invest their ears towards their request.  Never let people take your playing for granted.

[jimf12]

You need to channel the ghost of Haydn and come up with some joke improvisation to snap them out of it or grab their attention.   

[gipsypiano]

You need to channel the ghost of Haydn and come up with some joke improvisation to snap them out of it or grab their attention.

Thank you for this idea. Pianists should, as any artists, dare to do a new thing more often.
As far as I know, there are no legal laws im most countries that say you cannot do it, so its even legal by law.
Why not do a legal, creative and good thing? I mean, in a big concert by some celebration this would bee amazing for people who are not used to be too creative in life.
I would love people doing this to my music.

[quantum]

You need to channel the ghost of Haydn and come up with some joke improvisation to snap them out of it or grab their attention.

Something witty, like Mozart would have done.

If they start playing with their smart phone, you could randomly break into the Tárrega Gran Vals.

[rmchenry]

Thank you all for your interest and suggestions in this post - it seems to have struck a chord (in the minor).
Since posting it has happened again at an early Christmas gathering.
So I played the Minute Waltz very quickly then politely declined to play anything else given that half of the people "listening" didn't have the ability to listen right through the 80 seconds or so of music.
I think in future I will just politely decline.

[anacrusis]

Basically, I think about what I feel comfortable with and set my boundaries. If I am comfortable playing in the background while people talk, I play. If I'm not comfortable, I ask for silence. If people aren't happy with that, I don't play. If they want me to play, they'll need to be silent.

No need to complicate things!

[musicus15]

With a smile, I tell them that I never play the piano when I am asked to do so.
Alternately, depending on who is asking, I tell them that I never play after I have
had some alcohol. That should cover it.

Now as far as people talking, if it's not an actual recital, people will talk. If it is a recital and you suspect that there will be talking, give a brief setting of the "rules." I also like to add a bit about cellphones and recording, if that might bother you. (I suspect it bothers others.)

[anacrusis]

With a smile, I tell them that I never play the piano when I am asked to do so.

How come?

[musicus15]

I don't enjoy playing when asked to play. In fact I don't enjoy even being asked. It's difficult to explain why. It relates to my youth. Perhaps if I knew you better, much better, I might get into it.

[anacrusis]

I don't enjoy playing when asked to play. In fact I don't enjoy even being asked. It's difficult to explain why. It relates to my youth. Perhaps if I knew you better, much better, I might get into it.

Of course. Just curious

[quantum]

I don't enjoy playing when asked to play. In fact I don't enjoy even being asked. It's difficult to explain why. It relates to my youth. Perhaps if I knew you better, much better, I might get into it.

Understandable.  I am saddened to hear about experiences that take away the joy of music making. 

[virginofthepiano]

Don't play classical music unless they intend to listen, other wise stick to jass or improvisetion

[musicus15]

Interesting point but I think it's not a question of taking away the joy. No need to be sad. There are more sources of fulfillment in piano playing than "joy."

 

Understandable.  I am saddened to hear about experiences that take away the joy of music making.

[bwl_13]

I haven't really experienced this too many times, it definitely feels disrespectful. Recently my grandmother wanted me to play a bunch of traditional Polish hymns for them all to sing at Christmas dinner but then she ended up not paying any attention and doing other things (wasn't a huge deal).

If asked to play classical music, you could start with something virtuosic, like maybe a fast movement for a Beethoven sonata or Clementi sonatina (risky since these can be long, but you probably should skip repeats and maybe even some sections) or a Chopin etude. People tend to shut up when they see fast finger work, even if it's not actually as hard as it sounds. If it's fairly short, afterwards they might still want you to play and you can play something very lyrical, Chopin nocturnes work wonderfully.

I have declines playing before in certain contexts, but I normally take the opportunities to perform whenever possible.

[grade8pianoman]

It's difficult either way.
If people are talking then one can get away with the odd mistake.
If they are paying close attention then mistakes wi be more problematic, and feed negative energy to the performer.
However, presumably the assumption is that playing somety when asked is among friends and family as opposed to a critically acclaimed paid performance ?
Maybe treat it as less serious and loosen up a bit ,,

[grade8pianoman]

Alternatively one could - before commencing to play - command the audience to " Appreciate" or go into a huff if they start talking midway through and ceas playing !

[lostinidlewonder]

There are different settings for performing for people, not every single situation expects silence like a concert stage. In social settings when you are with a group of people they will tend to chat away no matter what you are doing, not everyone is suddenly going to be silent and devote all the attention to you just because you are playing the piano.

I'd take it as a compliment if people can hold conversations while you are playing, just like lounge pianists are required to play in a manner which does not interrupt conversation and can shift in an out of focus as the listener desires.

As a musician I see myself as a servant to the people not the other way around. Also how people enjoy music is so various, if someone is chatting away they might indeed be listening quite closely to you, so don't judge how people are experiencing music, it can be done in so many different ways. If you ever visit an art gallery just watch how people experience the exhibits in different ways.

If you really want people to listen to your playing closely then introduce the story connected to the peice or tell them something about the composer at that time of the composition. If you set up listeners with some visual emotional themes then they will listen more closely and search for what you were talking about. As pianists we have to realize our instrument does not sing with words, so we can give some words before hand which listeners can meditate upon as they listen to your playing. Everyone I use this on is usually very quiet when I play the piano because I have completed the triangle of performance (as Yoyo Ma would put it) bringing together THE PERFORMER, THE COMPOSER and THE WORK.

[timothy42b]

There are different settings for performing for people, not every single situation expects silence like a concert stage. In social settings when you are with a group of people they will tend to chat away no matter what you are doing, not everyone is suddenly going to be silent and devote all the attention to you just because you are playing the piano.

This.  LIW is exactly right on this one.

You are in a situation where the audience will expect to chatter while you provide some light background music.  You are the one who has different expectations. 

If it bothers you don't play, but that's kind of "taking my ball and going home."  I would consider having some repertoire ready that does not demand deep concentration to appreciate and would fit well in this social situation.  At a dinner party you chat about the weather and people you know, not about linear algebra or quantum physics; it's the same with music. 

[swede1]

Give em party people Cocktail piano ”Moon rover” if they dont listen to your virtuosic playing. Then op 10 no 1 Chopin etude, then cocktail, then rachmaninov 3:2, then cocktail. Pianissimo and forte fortissimo blended to stir them up.

[chopinlover01]

Ask them to pay you. Lol. You might lose your friendships just FYI