Ended music career; thinking of returning...?

[twinkly217]

Hi all:

I am certain I must be one of scads to post on this subject, but please bear with, as I am new to the board and looking for a musical community for support, guidance... I am a degree'd former pianist who is considering returning to the instrument, even tho I feel a bit old at 32 to be starting up again.

I hold a bachelor's degree in classical piano performance, finished when I was 21. Severe performance anxiety coupled with a lack of clear musical direction (I had several creative talents and found it hard to focus on any one thing to mastery) effectively shelved my musical career. Primarily tho, I quit the field after a brief but successful teaching stint at 24 and got a master's in journalism instead because of the fear of performing. I did hypnotherapy, beta blockers, you name it. But when I had my master's audition at MSM, I walked onto the stage after a ton of prep and focused work on realigning the fear, looked at the keyboard and saw only a sheet of white with a handful of black marks here and there. I knew I was in serious trouble. They asked me to start my Bach Prelude and Fugue, and it was so bad I wasn't even sure which note was G and which was A. Needless to day, it was a mortifying day, the worst of my musical life. I cried over it, and after years of unsuccessful struggle with anxiety, I quit.

In the years since "leaving music" (as if one can), I have ultimately landed in the very thing I knew I should never do--a corporate job. I have always mourned the loss of my music. I walk into concert halls or see pianists hard at it, and feel pangs and longings for the old days. I dream about my music. I try to ignore it, but like a child it tugs at my shirtsleeve, demanding attention. I also play guitar and sing, and recently faced down my anxiety and (miraculously) am able to perform on that instrument with considerably less grief; I think because I'm playing popular/rock music with untrained musicians for easy-to-please audiences who just want to be entertained, so there is no pressure. Piano remains daunting for me tho, as it is an instrument I have never mastered despite devoting most of my life to it. 

I think I may want to return to playing again, but I admit... I am afraid of failing a 2nd time. I find it hard to think of playing without the focus on a career, or recitals and auditions and the promise of youth when I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up and had all the time in the world to develop. At my age no one cares what I do or whether or not I conquer the piano. I care, tho I admit to needing something toward which to work to get the most out of going back in.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on/experience with any of this, really. I've thought about it for years, and I think I finally decided that if I can't beat it, I may as join it and start some lessons again. It is apparently something that has chosen me, and it will never die no matter how much I pretend to have put it behind me. I'd just like to get it right this time around. Help... and thanks.

Twinkles

[m1469]

Hi Twinkles, how wonderful for you to come here and share your thoughts and feelings with us.  To be honest, I wish to respond to so much of what you say, that I do not know quite where to begin.  So, I have been thinking about what you have said and I will for now, simply say that I for one desperately wish for you to return to your musical path with piano.  I think it is very important that you do, but I don't know you, so I am only going on my instinctual reaction to your post.  I want to write more and respond point by point, but I cannot right now.  I just wanted to throw out some encouragement, just in case it happens to be of any help in and of itself.

I am very interested actually to have you return to the instrument, I care what happens to you.  It may seem weird, but there is so much that I can relate to about what you have said, that I feel it personally.  So, I hope that you not only get back on track, but that you stick around here to tell us about it.

That's all for now... 

m1469

[anda]

well, except for the part on "performance anxiety", i know all too well what you're talikng about. i quit twice - once for a different carreer (and i even got a universitary degree in my "alternative" carreer), and second time, ~ 2 years ago (after my worse ever performance), i decided i will never perform solo. since then, i played on stage numerous times - but only as accompanist or in chamber music groups.

now i'm also thinking of coming back, and obviously, the idea of getting on stage all alone and without the score scares me to death. but i feel like i have to do this, no matter how scared i am. right now, i'm preparing a full solo recital, and i promised myself i will give that recital as soon as i'm ready to.

so... keep us posted how things go with you - and esp tell us when you have your first public appearence.

best luck

[twinkly217]

Thank you both for the encouragement! Tonite I opened my piano and ran thru my scales and read thru some old pieces I used to play. It always amazes me that you can go for years without much serious practice, yet the fingers and the brain never seem to forget. The music--and the memories (surprisingly the hardest part for me) were flooding back, but it felt good.

I've decided to ease in and do this kind of practice for a while to reacquaint myself with the physical discipline of playing again, and to get those technical exercises tight again. I am excited to find a teacher--but I used to BE a teacher, so it occured to me that I need to at least have something to bring to my first lesson, so I better get my chops up a bit first.

This is daunting. There is a lot of psychological gunk that goes along with getting back into this that I hadn't anticipated, and opening those books was opening the door to so many of the people, places and experiences of my musical past. In the past I've let that intensity drive me away from returning, at least for long. It was an emotional journey tonite, to say the least. I am not even sure what my goals are right now, other than to hone my skill again and not waste all those years of study. I am also worried I will spook myself out of continuing on, but this time I think I understand the need to work thru the fears I have about returning, in order to conquer them.

The journey begins...

[anda]

one thing i noticed: due to lack of real practice, my hand control is way worse than before - and especially sound tone/colour control... i know it's gonna take me forever to at least get to my own level (not to mention i'd be really happy to improve...) 

[timothy42b]

I think you should do something different this time.

(One of the definitions of mental illness is to repeat the same actions multiple times, expecting different results.)

Here's what I suggest:  buy an accordion.  Or a stage piano, that could work too.  And get some gigs.  Do a bunch of oompah band dinners, wedding dance polka band jobs, maybe some cocktail lounge piano gigs.  Organ at the ball game.  Etc.  They'll pay a little, probably not great amounts.  But it will be pressure, yet a different kind;  and you'll be a working pro, not a struggling student.  On one hand you'll have technical chops that are orders of magnitude above the guys you're sitting with - on the other hand you won't know the styles, the unwritten rules, etc.  The mindset to do this may be enough to fix your performance anxiety problem.  And if not, well it's fun.