I need a good joke

[richard w]

Hi Guys. Do any of you know any good jokes? My humour tends to be more spontaneous, so I don't tend to memorise jokes, but I inadvertently committed myself to learning at least one by this Friday. I could do with some suggestions.


Thanks.




Richard.

[jazzyprof]

Here, knock yourself out...the pianist jokes thread:
https://pianoforum.net/smf/index.php/topic,2001.0.html

[Axtremus]

There are three types of people: Those who can count, and those who cannot.

[richard w]

I laughed heartily at the piano jokes. Only problem is I don't think those I'll be out with on Friday night will appreciate jokes about Maksim. I guess I really had some non-piano jokes in mind - or not in mind, as the case seems to be.



Thanks so far.




Richard.




PS Axtremus, that doesn't add up! 












 

[pianonut]

my humor is very elementary.

There were two men stranded on an island, along with a lion.  One man was a reader, and the other was a writer.  Which one did the lion eat?

The reader, because readers digest and writers cramp.   by Gary Nelson, Everett WA

[musik_man]

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
--The coffin has the dead person on the inside

A dead snake and a viola player have been run over by a car on the highway.  Name two differences.
--There are skid marks in front of the snake
--The snake may have been on his way to a gig

Did you hear about the Aggie hockey team?  It's a tragedy, the whole team drowned during spring training.(fyi Aggie jokes can be a substitute for blond or Pollack jokes in Texas)

A pirate walks into a bar.  He has a steering wheel attached to his crotch.(You can tell that this joke is gonna be pretty highbrow )  He walks up to the bar and orders a beer.  The bartender gets him one, and as he gives it to the pirate, he notices the steering wheel.  Curious, he asks the pirate "What's with the steering wheel?"  The pirate responds "Arggghh, it's been driving me nuts."

Unfortunately, I can't tell my favorite joke on here (Unga Bunga) because it's too dirty.

[richard w]

Again, I don't think viola jokes are what I'm after, but I do love that coffin one. lol. I might try it anyway, but I fear it will cause something of a lull in the conversation

 



I think we are getting warmer though. Musik_Man, feel free to send me your favourite joke privately, if you feel it too vulgar for public viewing. I'm not easily offended.



Richard.

[allchopin]

Did you hear about the Aggie hockey team?  It's a tragedy, the whole team drowned during spring training.(fyi Aggie jokes can be a substitute for blond or Pollack jokes in Texas)

Hey, you don't happen to be a UT alumnis do you

As for my jokes, I'll toss a few computer science gems out there.  There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

And I can relate to programmers getting Christmas and Halloween confused... after all OCT 31 = DEC 25.

[musik_man]

Hey, you don't happen to be a UT alumnis do you

As for my jokes, I'll toss a few computer science gems out there. There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

Nah, I'm a Fightin' Texas Aggie, class of '08.

Also, if you read the Fixed? thread you'll find I'm the second kind of person.

[allchopin]

Check your pm's.. 

[chopinisque]

Don't know if you still want it but...

Some of my favourites floating about the web:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "***! THAT'S the word!”

After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair way of of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

[DarkWind]

One day this overweight man visits the doctor's office. The doctor, after taking some exams, comes to the conclusion that the man must lose a lot of pounds for his own health. So, the fat man gets home and calls this ad he saw that promised to lower his weight by 20 pounds in only 4 days.

The next day, at morning, he hears the doorbell. He opens the door to find this beautiful women wearing absolutely nothing, except for running shoes and a sign over her neck that read "If you can catch me, you can do with me as you please." So, the man begins to rigorously chase after her, running for several miles, until he finally catches her, and has passionate sex with her. The next 3 days, this same thing keeps occuring. Finally, the 4 days are over, and he has lost about 20 pounds.

Then, he calls the company again, asking for the toughest program they have. They ask him, "Are you sure? It's REALLY harsh." The man, without giving it a second though, said yes.

The next day, he hears the doorbell, and opens up the door expecting to see the woman there again. Instead, there is a man wearing nothing but jogging shoes and a sign over his neck that read, "If I can catch you, you're mine."


 

[Rez]

I can see where these jokes are going. So I guess this won't be too bad.....


A trumpeter is hired to play a few solos in a movie.  After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and the director promises to notify him when the movie is released.

Two months later the trumpeter gets a call telling him that the movie is out.  He's excited about seeing it but shocked to find out it's a porno flick.  He goes to the movie theatre wearing a raincoat, hat and dark sunglasses.  He sits in the back of the theatre next to an elderly couple.

The film has very explicit sex scenes: oral, anal, golden showers, sado masochism, and at the end the starlet has sex with a dog.

When the lights come on after the movie, the musician is terribly embarrased and says to the elderly couple, "I wrote the music ... I just came to hear my music."  The elderly woman reply's, "That's OK, we just came to see our dog."

[lostinidlewonder]

Why is a conductor like a condom?

Because its safer with one but more fun without

[Will Millar]

What's the difference between a bull and a Symphony Orchestra?

With a bull, the horns are at the front and the a**hole's at the back!


 Will

[Ed Marlo]

A young attractive woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.

[calidris]

Why is Albert Einstein incapable of building a house?

Because he only has ein stein...

OK, that was stupid 

[musik_man]

Why is Albert Einstein incapable of building a house?

Because he only has ein stein...

OK, that was stupid 

According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?





Fünf

Bilingual puns rock

[calidris]

According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?





Fünf

Bilingual puns rock

 

[BoliverAllmon]

According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?





Fünf

Bilingual puns rock

that was a good one.

[allthumbs]

Greetings


An absent minded doctor just exited the patient's ward after making his morning rounds, and with clipboard in hand, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his jacket pocket and in frustration exclaimed.

"For Heaven's sake, some ***hole's got my pen!"


Cheers

[lagin]

There are three types of people: Those who can count, and those who cannot.

The ones who can't are the ones standing ahead of you in the express checkout!

[brokenagraffe]

you might already know this one but:

A man comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his johnson in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...

A few weeks later, the man comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.

'What's wrong?' asks the wife.

'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my tallywhacker in the pickle slicer...'

'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'

'The foreman caught me in the act and I got fired' says the man. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his phallus still intact. Astonished, she asks 'I thought you stuck your penis in the pickle slicer?'

'Oh,' says the man, 'She got fired too.'

[allthumbs]

Greetings

So, two guys are walking down the street and they spot a dog lying off to the side licking its balls.

One guy stops and says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

The other guys looks at him and says, "Yeah but, don't you think you should pet him first!"

Badumbump,

Cheers

[allthumbs]

((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
 
"Hello?"
 
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
 
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
 
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
 
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
 
Brief Pause
 
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
 
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
 
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
 
"I did it Daddy"
 
"And what happened honey?" he asked
 
 
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
 
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
 
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
 
**Long Pause***
 
***Longer Pause**
 
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5731 ??

[donjuan]

((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
 
"Hello?"
 
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
 
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
 
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
 
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
 
Brief Pause
 
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
 
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
 
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
 
"I did it Daddy"
 
"And what happened honey?" he asked
 
 
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
 
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
 
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
 
**Long Pause***
 
***Longer Pause**
 
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5731 ??

lol lol thats hilarious!

Here's a short corny music one from another member of pianoforum I think left us a while ago:
The most religious chord in musical history:
Gsus

er...haha...er..yeh

Heres one I heard a long time ago:

You are hiking and come across a Bear warning sign:
------------------------------------
Thanks to Celia Dunscombe, mountain resident and smiling face behind the counter at The Store: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise those at risk to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. "We also advise them to carry pepper spray with them in case they encounter a bear."

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. People should be able to distinguish the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper."

------------------------------
haha
donjuan

[donjuan]

posted again by accident

[etudes]

According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?





Fünf

Bilingual puns rock

great

[pytis]

i dont get that one

[musik_man]

Vier is the German word for 4.  It's pronounced like fear.

Sechs is the German word for 6.  It's pronounced kinda like sex (the s makes a z sound.)

And fünf is the German word for 5.

So it goes like this
According to Freud what comes between 4 and 6?

5

[allthumbs]

Greetings

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says he needs about an hour to check it out.

Anyway, he goes across the street to the 7-11 to kill some time and get an ice cream. Penguins love ice cream.

But, because he’s got no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

So his goes back to the mechanic, the guy tells him, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin tells him, “No, that’s just a little ice cream!”

cheers

[donjuan]

ok, heres a new one I heard just recently.  I hope I dont get banned...

a woman pregnant with triplets walks out of a grocery store and realizes that a bank robbery is taking place just next door.  The robbers come out of the bank just in time to see the cops arrive.  The roobers and cops have a shootout and the pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the belly accidentily.

She is terrified for her life, as well as the life of her triplets inside.  When she gets to the hospital, she is relieved to hear that all four people will be just fine because of the bullets missing 1/2 an inch here and there etc etc..
after 3 months the triplets are born - 2 girls and 1 boy

12 years pass....

one girl comes into the room and says "Mommy, Mommy! Look what came out of me!" as she holds out a bloody bullet.  She had passed the bullet in her first menstruation.  Mommy then proceeds to tell her "oh well thats something I should have told you about.. you see, when I was pregnant with you, I was shot.... etc etc"

the next week, the other girl comes in yelling "Mommy, Mommy! Look what came out of me!"
the same thing happened - the bullet had passed in her first menstruation.  Mommy then tells the story again and the girl goes off, relieved.

The next week, the boy comes in yelling "Mommy, Mommy!! ..." and then mommy interrupts saying "let me guess, you were taking a crap and a bullet came out"

the boy says "no!  I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

 
donjuan

[rob47]

hahahaahah that ones hilarious

[thalbergmad]

There was a blind man standing at a bus stop with his guide dog.

All of a sudden the dog cocked his leg and urinated over the blind mans trousers.

The blind man reached into his pocket, pulled out a chocolate treat and gave it to the dog.

The man standing next to him in the queue said "why did you do that?.  Your dog just urinated over you and you gave it a treat"

The blind man replied " i was trying to find out where his head was so i could kick him in the balls".

[llamaman]

I know a good blonde one, but I shouldn't say it.

[moatsart]

Greetings

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says he needs about an hour to check it out.

Anyway, he goes across the street to the 7-11 to kill some time and get an ice cream. Penguins love ice cream.

But, because he’s got no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

So his goes back to the mechanic, the guy tells him, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin tells him, “No, that’s just a little ice cream!”

cheers










  RofLmao

[nanabush]

lol

Here's a stupid joke I found funny when I was younger..


So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are being chased by enemies who are invading their country.  They keep running away till they come across a farm, and they go inside hoping to find a place to hide.  They find three crates, one labelled 'dogs', one labelled 'cats' and the third labelled 'potatoes.  The brunette goes in the dog crate, the redhead in the cat crate and the blonde in the third.
  The enemies come across the farm and walk inside... They kick the first crate labelled dogs and the brunette goes "woof"... they kick the second one and the redhead goes "meow.."  and they kick the third one and the blonde goes "po-ta-toes"


HAHAHAHA...

[danyal]

https://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html

[pianohopper]

a few one-liners:

Why don't blondes drink beer on a beach?   They don't want to get sand in their Busch

What do a blonde and a halogen light bulb have in common?  They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?  The joystick is wet.

What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?  The more you bang 'em, the looser they get.

etc, etc.

[thalbergmad]

Whats the difference between a skinny blonde and a counterfeit dollar?

One is a phoney buck.