mayla, i get a lot out of your posts, too! i need humor in my day, and the 'hamster wheel' made me laugh. some of us think we were born to be great someday. perhaps we are delusional and need to be institutionalized. in the past, i have had practice sessions in which i played like paganini (walstein, paganini variations) and just 'lost myself' to the music. i didn't feel like a hamster.
then, in juries, my mind just doesn't let me relax that much, and my renditions come out ok but not as inspired. i say to myself, someday that will be moot. you will someday learn to let go of every single thing that makes you tense up and worry. maybe getting older is a good thing. after a while, you have nothing to lose (even if you mess up) so you just play for fun. that's probably where my career will come in. in my late 40's and 50's. someone encouraged me by telling me another pianist actually had a great career at this age - have to look up who it was.
i am destined to play in states all across the mid-west, thrilling audiences with copeland, macdowell, all those poetic/musical numbers of schumann. and then, when i finally make it big on the east coast - i will only play mozart. i will be a mozart specialist. making gentleman fans think i'm cute (only) boo hoo. but, for aficiando's of mozart, they will shut their eyes when i play and take in the music only. afterwards, it will be as if they 'heard a dream.' the reviews will be ravingly about the tones of the piano and how sparkly they are (like gems). no one will be able to match my tone (except murray perahia of whom i have repeatedly play his K467 and K595 concertos over and over without tiring of them - and thought the same).