Critiques and Comments on Short Stories and Creative Writing

[m1469]

https://www.pianostreet.com/smf/index.php/topic,10579.msg108793.html#msg108793
(thread of creative writings and short stories)



I personally would prefer to keep the story thread as much to the side of strictly stories without interruptions by comments.  That's my artistic vision anyway  .  So I will link this thread to that one and that one to this one and people can feel free to critique away (nobody has to read them if you are not interested in comments on your own story). 

Perhaps each critique should include a link to the specific story. 


m1469

[i_m_robot]

this almost reminds self of the time self started a huge story thread called selfs story

it was slightly insane (funny insane) and had midi file to go along and set the mood

but then the webmaster deleted the entire forum (chopinfiles) without warning and self had not the time to save the story

topics like this are a rare opportunity for creativeness

self would like to see more people participate

[TheHammer]

Okay, I will start then. Needless to say we are all staying objective here, I hope.

COMMENT ON "ON THE TRAIN" BY ANIAM
https://www.pianostreet.com/smf/index.php/topic,10579.msg109012.html#msg109012

Well, I may start with the positive things. Right from the beginning, your story Aniam has completely caught me. I literally was in the train, and I can only say that I am impressed by your ability to control the language. As I see on your website, you already have some experience, and this comes through in your writing. I may as well say that I particularly enjoyed some descriptions, e.g. the synagogue, and also the characters, so mainly Péter, etc.

Nevertheless, I still have to critise certain passages as I do not find them as felicitous as the rest of the text. There is for example (that sounds so awfully pedantic) Péter's glasses. You mention them somewhere in the middle, whereas his face is already described at the beginning. Perhaps it is just me, but that really troubled my imagination of the situation (of course only small scale, but perceivable). Also, one passage that, to speak with the words of one of my friends, criticizing a poem of mine, "sounds like a fart". I would formulate it so: Considering the exceptional quality of the rest of text, this passages stands out in a negative sense. (it is not really a fart, sorry, I could not resist).

Which article, wondered Lee.

"Which article again?" asked the other man.

Thank you, thought Lee.

Seriously... That really puzzled me. Now, I know how difficult it is to find the right words sometimes, you have this image, but you don't quite know how to express it...

Whereas, right the next line, it is so much better, it just "fits".

"Bálint, don't you read the paper?"

"I skim it occasionally."

Lee thought she could hear a smile in Bálint's voice.

smile in his voice...wow, these are the minor details that make this story so good.


Okay, that was language, now content. I have several objections, which only weigh not much. Firstly, the whole situation is a tiny bit improbable, isn't it? Americans, but Hungarian background, mark themselves as foreigners because of speaking about "the origin of the skullcap" sitting next to some guys who are coincidentally talking about the speech the one of the two Americans has written... But okay, that is really nothing worth mentioning, because that is how life goes (life is mostly more improbable than fiction).
Nah, however, okay, the main idea is this girl being quite homeless. Now, from your website I know this is also your actual background, so, well, after all, this is not the latest idea for a story. But okay, I thought, well, let us see what she does with it. I was quite amazed how you managed to connect the ideas of this girl with the dialogues of Péter and Bálint, without interrupting the flow of the story. I mean, I could follow her thoughts, but was still in the train, and that added up immensely to the atmosphere. Also, you were able to introduce so many aspects of the life of this quite lonely girl. So I was kind of "satisfied" with this aspects. But after finishing the story, I still somehow felt that something was missing. And I had a hard time figuring out what was wrong with it (and I am still not sure about it).

After all, these guys are talking about anti-Semetism, she is a Jew. I somehow felt that there had to be a conflict, which was somewhat connected to her "loneliness" or isolation perhaps. But no, both seemed rather reasonable - only at first perhaps, I thought. Than came this statement, even repeated: "Our Jews belong to us." Well, I thought, no anti-Semitism here, but at least there were some signs of a certain animosity towards foreigners, especially in the end. What should I say, I was confused. You start with this whole anti-Semitism talk, but then it dissolves into political correctness (quite, on this matter, although I thought I had perceived a kind of ironic view on this...have I?). After all, what has this to do with thi girl? The connection here, at least for me, is only slightly noticeable. I deem it has something to do with her actually wanting to be a "foreigner", which is perhaps reinforced by the conversation of this two guys (therefore her faint grin after being titled a foreigner)? That although he has said otherwise, Péter IS considering Jews "foreigners"? It is really hard for me to come up with a decent interpretation, so I don't really want to critise you for this, because it is perhaps as well my fault.  I might add, to my defense, that I actually have stopped to think in terms of "the" Jews, "the" Hungarians, etc. I don't think that these exist. Perhaps this explains my difficulties in understanding. (I would really like an enlightening answer to this, if as a reponse in this thread, or in form of a personal message - but perhaps I will get a sense behind it after some time...).


Anyway, although this confusion has quite spoiled the experience of reading this marvellous story (again, perhaps due to personal shortcomings), I still enjoyed it, and will certainly visit your website for some further good read. 

Thank you very much for sharing this and keep on posting!

[Aniam]

Hey, thanks for the comments! I love getting feedback on my writing. It's late where I am, but I'll try to respond to some of the things you said...

Peter's glasses (heh heh, start with the small things). I totally get your point...I find it very disturbing when an author adds later description and completely throws off my imagining of a character. I guess I didn't notice it when I did it myself since I saw him the same way through from the beginning. I was trying not to load too much description into the beginning, cause I like nothing better than to describe a character and can get carried away and go on too long.

The other things you mentioned, as regarding the content, are also things I guess I wouldn't notice because, again, I'm the author. For instance:

Americans, but Hungarian background, mark themselves as foreigners because of speaking about "the origin of the skullcap" sitting next to some guys who are coincidentally talking about the speech the one of the two Americans has written... But okay, that is really nothing worth mentioning, because that is how life goes (life is mostly more improbable than fiction).

They actually mark themselves as foreigners by talking in English, not by the substance of their conversation. Hungarians almost NEVER think a foreigner understands Hungarian, and usually they're right. And the coincidence...it actually did happen, though not on a train. There was a speech like that, and one of my friends mentioned it as being completely ridiculous. He didn't know my dad wrote it. 

About the ending...I soooo agonized over that. Peter actually does consider Jews foreigners, and it's because they're Jews that he's 'tired of sitting' with his traveling companions. His last line is supposed to show what his instinctive feelings towards Jews are, whatever his previous claims. In my first draft this was a lot more clear, but then two people I showed it to said it was overdone. A third person said she didn't get it even then. I went for a middle road, but still wasn't sure what I meant came across. Anti-semitism certainly exists in Hungary, and to a foreigner it can seem that it exists openly, though a lot of Hungarians make the claim there is no such thing here, not any more. The two people who said the original ending was overdone were familar with the situation, so I guess to them it seemed obvious what Peter was feeling. I guess to a casual reader it's not quite as clear. Dude, I knew that ending was trouble. 

[TheHammer]

Thanks for the fast reply.

And I know EXACTLY how you feel. Everytime I write something which might be not understandable at first I have this inner conflict: "How much do I give them? - No, that is too obvious. - But they can't get it. - But it is too obvious." The best example I is a little story about a boy constantly being beaten up, who therefore becomes schizophrenic, and creates a "friend" in his mind (much like "Fight Club", but it was only a homework, so I didn't mind). My teacher had no clue whatsoever. Fact is, she wasn't exactly so thrilled about the violence I used in the story, and made my parents come to speak about it (!). She seemed to think I had become a psycho, which made the rest of the school year much more interesting. Anyway, my parents, somehow doubting my state of mind, showed the story to various people (it was really bad, actually, but most found it good), and I would say out of 10, 4 or 5 got it. So, anyway, I actually like not so obvious stories, where you really have to think to get an interpretation. I don't mind if I don't get it on first read. It is just that I knew that there was "something" behind Péter's statements, the "faint grin" had of course to have a meaning, but which? (eventually, I more or less got it). Nah, however... difficult.

They actually mark themselves as foreigners by talking in English, not by the substance of their conversation. Hungarians almost NEVER think a foreigner understands Hungarian, and usually they're right. And the coincidence...it actually did happen, though not on a train. There was a speech like that, and one of my friends mentioned it as being completely ridiculous. He didn't know my dad wrote it.

Yes, I wanted to say they were marked by their conversation, the topic is irrelevant, sorry, I was not clear.
And about the coincidence, well, I actually thought this had perhaps even happened to you. And it is of course nothing worth mentioning, but one can easily have the impression of an overly constructed story, when it becomes too improbable.


Now that I got it, the story has become much better again, lol. And now I would also not recommend that you change anything, because, well, I have understood more or less, so it is perfectly fine.

*Hopes for more stories of yours* (*realizes he hasn't read all stories on the website yet - goes to website*)

[pianonut]

aside from the rampant plagarism from bob and others, i think the ideas in my story about 'the piano lesson' are clear.  it's all about the clock.  the grandfather clock, the song 'the clock' and the metronome.  if i were to re-write it, the names would be foreign.

i think the frog story needed a little more detail    you know, today i saw a frog plastered on the concrete bike path like a fossil.  it had probably died yesterday, but with the sun and all, it was completely baked.  i went around it, and sort of memorialized it in my mind.  you can't just let dead be the end of the story.  there must be a burial of some kind.  otherwise, the death is just there for everyone to look at - and say, oh, poor frog - or never be notice and be ridden over until the legs come off.  then, a pet comes and chews on it.  and, the parts sort of disintegrate into pieces of dust (satisfactory for you i-m-robot?)

ok.  here's what i mean:

the remaining frogs relatives all hopped together, and sadly croaked - our dear 'greecher!'  they carefully dragged him off the beaten path, before his body looked war-torn, and put his legs together (had to break them for that to happen) - put on his best tux, and carried him to the side of the river on a stretcher (that was made of an elongated matchbox, toothpicks, and rubber bands holding it together) and holding froggie at the waist.  when they got down to the river, they ribeted a froggie fairwell and slung him as far as the rubberbands would take him.  splash.  they heard the final splash.  the moment when the water made ripples around the bellyflop... to be continued someday