marriage advice

[jeremyjchilds]

What is the most important thing to keep your marriage strong?

For us, it is constantly allowing ourselves to need each other, and let the other person know that...

For a while, we thought it was a good thing to not need each other, (but still have each other)

Now I realize that the most wonderful demonstration of trust is to need and be needed mutually, so don't shy away from it!

What else....

[Siberian Husky]

trust trust trust trust

honesty honesty honesty honesty


im not married..but this is CRITICAL for ANY kind of relationship..friend..love interest..business...family..i dont care..this is backbone to cleanliness and provides social lubrication

[pianistimo]

i would agree with siberian husky.  i have been married twenty years (brag brag) but i have not always had a 'successful' marriage.  in fact, there have been times that it was 'work.'  there were times that we wished the other person would see our point of view better.  my husband gets more silent, and i do too, until somebody 'pops' and then it's like an italian family (the kids see everything).  what is this on the credit card bill?  or, do we have to visit your relatives? 

my first reactions within the first ten years were to tell a close friend that i was angry about something.  my husbands was to do the usual routine of working late or acting nonchalant when he was really teed off.  i would add communication skills.  we have learned this in the second half of the twenty years and most recently in the last two or three, even more.  one way to be honest is to make time for the other person so they know what you're thinking (if you spend time apart, you can't read their mind).  this was a common complaint of my husband (i can't read your mind).  i would get angry and sullen, and he would get silent and it would be hard on both of us to come to agreement because we didn't feel heard by each other. 

within the last two years (basically year 19-20) we have had the best communication ever.  we were completely honest about some things that we had not been completely honest about previously (won't go into detail, but if you've been married awhile - you start to see the other side of the grass as greener and spend more time talking to coworkers or friends in my case).  if you start with honesty - you admit fault.  you say, 'i haven't been perfect in this and that (specifics) and i would like to ask your forgiveness and to try again.'  and, thankfully my husband had a few things that he apologized about, too, so we were sort of even.  then, we decided that we would start again (as when we were first married).  we did a sort of vow renewal in our heads.  we started telling each other (only) the things that we wanted the other person to hear, and stopped talking negative to anyone else.  and, we really tried to understand where the other person was coming from and to comply as much as possible with things that they needed.  for me, it was to have communication more frequently during the day.  my kids drove me a little crazy - to be with all day.  i needed adult conversation.

for my husband, it was probably having too much adult conversation at work (stress) and to be able to relax when he came home (and not come home to stress).  so we are now destressing one another.  we also make a better effort at eye contact, although this is not something we worked on specifically.  i notice my husband looking at me a lot more during dinners.  i do the same for him.  what especially endears me is not the flowers, or dinner, or monetary things...but just taking m ore time to be together.  it can be walks around the block, a bike ride, a surprise coming home and going out and doing something unexpected.  a boring routine made me feel like a maid and childcare worker.  now, i feel a lot better about how my husband views me - and visa-versa.  when you speak well of your mate to other people, they hear (even when they don't hear).  and you bless yourself, since your husband or wife is the other half of your family - and your children hear good things and are blessed, too.  i noticed a huge change in my children's behavior when we started getting along better.

i don't think we ever had a terrible marriage or anything, it just wasn't optimal for a while.  we had several layoffs, difficult health situations, child behavior issues etc. and it was just difficult during those times to hold everything together.  counselors aren't a bad idea, either, if you have trouble communicating.  and praying works, too.  probably the first and best idea.  if you pray for your spouse to understand you (especially when doling out criticism) you might say things in a better way and a softer way.  being careful of their feelings.

ps  one other thing my husband has always done pretty well, is that he takes the children out on the weekend when he's up to it - and so i have a little quiet time to myself.  this helps my sanity immensely.  and visa versa- when he's really tired during the week - i take them out and let him get some sleep or relaxation.  usually this is within the first hour or two or whoever is the most tired.  we kind of work it out evenly.  then, when you're rested you feel better and more like doing or talking.

[stevie]

trust trust trust trust

honesty honesty honesty honesty


im not married..but this is CRITICAL for ANY kind of relationship..friend..love interest..business...family..i dont care..this is backbone to cleanliness and provides social lubrication

hahaha, very eloquently put, i agree

[pianistimo]

what jeremy said about need is good, too.  if you spend too much time ogling at girls on the net, or a girl at another table, you're ignoring the dessert right in front of you.  after a few years of feeling inadequate as compared to all these girls, i decided to just start buying clothing that made me look better.  tighter, iguess, but not too tight. and, i lightened my hair.  started buying more beauty products and taking care of my skin, nails and  feet better.  dieting (more veggies) and generally feeling more healthy (more exercise, too).  i'd experiment and walk by my husband to gauge the effect.  because i'm christian i don't want to look like  a hooker, but i walk a tight line now.  i'll put the tank top on under the jacket.  previously it was probably a thick sweater (as in the piano lessons- what to wear to avoid being noticed).

for my husband, i find him most attractive after a shower.  having openly told him all these years if he was stinking or not, he's used to that kind of stuff.  "i'm not going to even kiss you if you don't take a shower."  (runs away - hides)  you feel needed by the other person if they go to enough effort to look good for you and enjoy being with you.  openly talking about sexual issues is good, too, because the internet makes things look hotter with no relationship (just sexual).  there's a lot of hot stuff married people can do by talking about what they want to try with each other.  i feel badly for anyone who lets pictures of other people spoil their own privacy and appreciation for each other.  it's time wasted, when you could be doing your wife/husband.

also, we've found ymca'ing together is great fun.  you can lose weight, or maintain by working out together (and that is time spent together instead of one person going at one time and one another - which we did previously)

[stevie]

poetry

poetry is a great way to express how you feel, either write it yourself, or if you really suck, look through many poems and choose a one that expresses how you feel at that moment

then give it to her, and watch her smile 

[pianistimo]

yes. i like that one, too.  my husband can't write poetry, so he spends hours at card shops near our anniversary.  i know this because of the detail in the card.  he has a pet name for me, too, which is cool.

[stevie]

yes. i like that one, too.  my husband can't write poetry, so he spends hours at card shops near our anniversary.  i know this because of the detail in the card.  he has a pet name for me, too, which is cool.

i can tell he really does love you

[pianistimo]

yea.  i've always known it.  as you get older you just demand better treatment.  and, now he gets 'the works' too.  i don't act like i don't care if he can't find underwear and socks - or purposely mess his drawers up.

vengeance is an ugly end to arguments.  some people go to extremes of throwing stuff out the window.  my tantrums were to take cereal boxes and empty them on the floor while complaining of cleaning too much.  my kids would look astonished (has mom gone out of her mind) and then i would tell them to clean it up and i'd leave for acouple of hours.

when i feel rotten, i do sometimes go work out by myself.  then i come back home in a better mood. it does make a difference (all the little stuff put together).   

[stevie]

i never feel forced into doing anything, thought i havent really had a longterm relationship, i feel the need to do things to express the way i feel about her, its no bother at all, its a joy.

[bernhard]

trust trust trust trust

honesty honesty honesty honesty

And a pre-nuptial agreement 

[pianistimo]

that's what we've experienced too, after several plateaus.  (every seven years or so - there's always something that bugs one person or the other - or some relative that comes out of the woodwork and tries to wreak havoc).  we've learned to have fun together and make some of the relatives jealous by not being so open about our personal affairs (money, sex, children, life problems).  on the other hand, we make our kids wonder why we are so madly in love, whereas before we tried to be too private about our feelings for one another in front of them.   

[Siberian Husky]

also..get a 2000 honda civic it will better your marroiage (not really but damn my car is turnin out to be pretty sweet i just installed racing bucket seats)

[jeremyjchilds]

also..get a 2000 honda civic it will better your marroiage (not really but *** my car is turnin out to be pretty sweet i just installed racing bucket seats)

Civic si?

[Bob]

I've heard you have to know yourself first. 

Then communication and compromise.  (Music does not compromise though.)

[4tissimo]

All I know after 36 yrs. of marriage is that over a long dual relationship, years or even decades, the only sure thing is that people change.  And the odds that they'll change for the worse is pretty much the same as the odds that they'll change for the better.  If I'd known then what I know now, I'd never marry anyone or anything under any circumstances.  When things deteriorate, ultimately the only ones who profit are the lawyers. 

[yamagal]

Mutual respect is very important.  Not tearing each other down either to their face or behind their back.  Being loyal to each  other.  Also being considerate in big and little ways.  Learning what makes the other tick and how to best meet their needs. It is not just love & romance, it is friendship and applying the Golden Rule.

[ada]

pianistimo, what's ymcaing ??? is it something you can talk about on this forum??

Being able to enjoy each other while still having your own lives and your own interests is important to a good marriage, I reckon.

[pianistimo]

i liked the 'own lives and own interests'  a lot too.  you have to get out and do.  it's just, the older i get the more i realize how special the time is that we spend together - so if one of us is going to work out at a certain time (bicycling or ymca) we call the other and tell enuf ahead of time so that the other person can meet or pick up.

ps.  the ymca is like a health club and you can get yearly memberships which are cheaper than private health clubs.  we happen to have a fairly new one nearby which is nice because it has more machines and availability at most hours of the day. 

ok.  what you really wanted to know is how much weight do you lose doing other things?  i really don't know.  i never really thought of weighing myself before and afterwards.  hahaha   of course, women don't usually brag about that method of losing weight.  i suppose a man might.  (i lost fifty pounds in two weeks by having fun every night for two hours with my wife!  i guess there are benefit to it that one doesn't think about.  maybe it recharges your heart.)

[BoliverAllmon]

What is the most important thing to keep your marriage strong?

For us, it is constantly allowing ourselves to need each other, and let the other person know that...

For a while, we thought it was a good thing to not need each other, (but still have each other)

Now I realize that the most wonderful demonstration of trust is to need and be needed mutually, so don't shy away from it!

What else....

simple. quit looking at bouter boogie. LOL

[pianistimo]

yeah, bouter boogie, look what you've done.  you're breaking up marriages (just kidding but hides boliver's eyes).

[thalbergmad]

Personally, I would not want to get married. It's too expensive and does not guarantee happiness.

Question: What has a woman and a hurricane got in common?

Answer: They both start off wet and wild and end up taking your house and car with them.

[pianistimo]

you're too funny.  if my husband paid for everytime he had sex in 20 years he'd be dirt poor.  it's a bargain (maybe a trade off).  i say, get married, have fun when you want.  each side has something to give and if you love each other, you'll work it out.   

[thalbergmad]

My ex girfriend used to charge for sex (she was a prostitute).

One night she came home with 40 dollars and 50 cents.

I said "who gave you the 50 cents?"

She said "they all did"

[pianistimo]

you've got to be more serious about these issues thalbergmad.  you can't be serious.  i am beginning to wonder about your sanity myself. 

[thalbergmad]

Yes, need to be more serious.

I is restricting myself to the performance and repetoire threads for 1 week.