sexual dysfunction

[pianistimo]

what exactly is it?  i mean how do you categorize it and define it?  say - you are prokofiev and you are deeply in love with three oranges.  is this dysfunction or is it perfectly normal for a person to be in love with oranges?

good lines to say to that special woman:
'wanna know why i didn't watch the game tonight?'
'do you need help with the dishes'  (better yet, jsut do them)
'let's go shopping.' 
'whatever you want, dear.'

good lines to say to that special man:
anything with the word 'quick, job, or fast'
'there are matching socks in your sock drawer'
'are you hot enough?'  (keep a bottle of 'kiss of fire' lotion nearby)



 

[pianistimo]

things that ruin it:

a calculator near the bed
a stopwatch near the bed
ropes and attachments that would imply a sort of 'experiment' to happen (women have bad feelings for this from being on hospital obstetric floor)
whips (this would be mine - as i couldn't speak for all women)
torture devices
pictures of girlfriends past or present or posters of other women
absolutely no decor in the bedroom
sandwiches under the bed
socks under the bed
dirty laundry anywhere
curtains open
lights on brightest setting
football game on
frigid room temperature
melodramatic sheets (purple satin)
books piled on your side of the bed

for the really dysfunctional: deep freezers in the bedroom

[pianistimo]

possible time savers:

rose petals sprinkled everywhere
cotton sheets (or flannel)  anything warm
slippers near the bed
electric blankets
lots of pillows
no sex toys
no tv
classical music
piano in the room
grand piano in the room
two grand pianos in the room
a bed shaped like a piano
a hot tub shaped like a piano

[zheer]

what exactly is it? 

   Well recently a man was arrested for having sex with a sheep in Wales, this actually happend.

[arbisley]

Not that I'm an expert on this type of thing, but my roommate told me that he was caught in the act by a train stopping unexpectedly on a deserted stretch of the railway line, where he was, well, the rest is history!

[elspeth]

rose petals sprinkled everywhere

This always (not that it's happened to me often!) makes me deeply suspicious. Rose petals may be pretty at the time, but who's going to clean them up afterwards, hmm? Now there's one to add to your list - maid service. Possibly also cook and butler...

[opus10no2]

   Well recently a man was arrested for having sex with a sheep in Wales, this actually happend.

Compared to some of the women...

[jas]

   Well recently a man was arrested for having sex with a sheep in Wales, this actually happend.

Wasn't there a bloke in some country towards the east somewhere who was ordered by a judge to marry a sheep after he was caught having sex with it? I'm sure I remember reading about that maybe a few years ago.

I'd google it but I don't fancy typing "man", "sex" and "sheep" into google and having MI5 or animal rights campaigners banging at my door...

[thalbergmad]

I'd google it but I don't fancy typing "man", "sex" and "sheep" into google and having MI5 or animal rights campaigners banging at my door...

More than likely, you would have a Welsh farmer banging at your door.

Thal

[pianowelsh]

Easy on the welsh there boyo!! You guys obviously never had welsh lamb - its gorgeous!! The welsh are always at the butt (if you'll pardon the pun) of the world's jokes. You wont catch Gavin Henson having improper sexual relations with any sheep welsh or otherwise!

[zheer]

 Am also welsh pianowelsh.

[thalbergmad]

Easy on the welsh there boyo!! You guys obviously never had welsh lamb - its gorgeous!! The welsh are always at the butt (if you'll pardon the pun) of the world's jokes. You wont catch Gavin Henson having improper sexual relations with any sheep welsh or otherwise!

I have "had" Welsh lamb, but not in the fashion that was being discussed.

Gaving Henson is too busy shaving his legs to have time for sheep.

Thal

[pianowelsh]

Indeed!

[earthward]

piano in the room
grand piano in the room
two grand pianos in the room

to play or to have sex on? Or to play WHILE having sex?  It could add inspiration to your playing I guess....

[jre58591]

to play or to have sex on? Or to play WHILE having sex?  It could add inspiration to your playing I guess....

thats what left hand alone pieces are for....

[penguinlover]

More things that ruin it:
       arguments
       socks on
        bad smells
        children
        no door on bedroom
        lumpy mattress

     

[penguinlover]

Mood makers:
       candles

       candles

       candles

       soft music

[pianistimo]

yes.  all of the above.  i happen to love candles, too.  it's become a sort of 'fetish' now.  i just bought this cinnamon one  - and it smells so good.  i put in on when everyone leaves int he morning and i feel calm and serene afterwards.  (my husband is allergic to candles - wouldn't you know!).  now, the no door on the bedroom - we haven't had to deal with - but we've had times where the locks didn't work - or we forgot to lock it.  or a child was sticking papers under the door.   lately, my husband has figured out that all he has to do is threaten to take me to a piano concerto concert and i'm good the rest of the day.  liszt piano concerto is being played in reading.  i asked him who was playing and he didn't know.  i said - no matter.  is that desperate?

[ahinton]

yes.  all of the above.  i happen to love candles, too.  it's become a sort of 'fetish' now.  i just bought this cinnamon one  - and it smells so good.  i put in on when everyone leaves int he morning and i feel calm and serene afterwards.  (my husband is allergic to candles - wouldn't you know!).  now, the no door on the bedroom - we haven't had to deal with - but we've had times where the locks didn't work - or we forgot to lock it.  or a child was sticking papers under the door.   lately, my husband has figured out that all he has to do is threaten to take me to a piano concerto concert and i'm good the rest of the day.  liszt piano concerto is being played in reading.  i asked him who was playing and he didn't know.  i said - no matter.  is that desperate?

Candle fetishism is a new one on me and I think I'd prefer to leave it that way if you don't mind, but it might be helpful to some if you explain the connection between sexual function/dysfunction and concerts including piano concerti, for it's as clear as mud to me...

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

i happen to love candles, too. 

Reminds me of a song.

All the nice girls love a candle
All the nice girls love a wick.

Seem to have forgotten the rest.

Thal

[ahinton]

Reminds me of a song.

All the nice girls love a candle
All the nice girls love a wick.

Seem to have forgotten the rest.

Thal

But I bet you'll remember it again and tell us all, given half the chance and even less than half the opportunity! I'm sure that it'll beat Candle in the Wind hands down, too...

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

But I bet you'll remember it again and tell us all, given half the chance and even less than half the opportunity! I'm sure that it'll beat Candle in the Wind hands down, too...

Best,

Alistair

Regretfully, forum rules prevent me from completing those great lyrics.

SHIP AHOY

Thal

[penguinlover]

Cinnamon is also suppose to be one of those scents that appeal to men especially.  Makes them feel loved and secure and stuff like that.  Anyway,  it is said they respond to that particular scent.  I need to get more candles like yours pianistimo! 

[pianistimo]

don't follow all my advice, penguinlover!  just when i think i am making headway into my husband's mind - i find out he was tuning me out.  'what's that smell' to the candles that have burned during the day - (i blame in on something that burned in the oven).  i organize the drawers - and he says 'i can't find anything.'  about the only thing that gets his attention nowdays - being theyoung man that he is - is some kind of shocking behavior or revelation.  for instance, he's telling me he can't decide if he should take me to the piano concerto or buy a 'wicked weasel' bikini that turns opaque when wet.  i say, 'and where would i wear that?'  i suppose i should try to keep his hopes up - but he's got the television.  isn't that enough?  i don't know.  maybe i'm more dysfunctional than i thought.  perhaps the subject isn't one i should have started.  and, yet - there are these couple of days a month that are extrememly passionate between us.  actually, it's not as terrible as it sounds - although women do not like messes and right now the entire house is sort of chaotic.  there's no real passion to be found without disaster relief from everyone.  you know, people being responsible for their own messes.

[penguinlover]

Pianistimo, NO, TV is not the answer.  That's just one step away from porn.  I do understand what you are saying though.  My husband once bought me a swimsuit while we were vacationing in Daytona Beach.  I was too embarassed to take off the towel.  Other women were walking around the beach almost nude, but I just couldn't do it.  I felt like all eyes were on me.    So, I guess he tried, and I didn't give it a chance.  Men don't tend to see "acts of service", like organizing drawers or closets, as special.  In fact, my husband wouldn't notice if I did or didn't do it.  I think he thinks it is his responsibility to undo all I have done.  He was looking for his passport last month, and undid everything I organized in the bedroom.  It had taken me over three days of labor to get it done in the first place.  Now, it's worse that when I started.  He took all the file folders out and went through them, and I am finding that ever the drawers don't have the right stuff in them.  My music is all over the place too.  Maybe I'm venting a little here.  But geesh!  Sometimes I wonder where his brain went off to!  (sorry, I should be kind to him, but I just don't feel it now.)

[thalbergmad]

Today near London a lorryload of Viagra was stolen.

The Police are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

Thal

[penguinlover]

sick

[ahinton]

Today near London a lorryload of Viagra was stolen.

The Police are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

Thal

Nice one - but "The Police"? Do be careful how you use capital letters (something about which "pianistimo" need never worry), lest you might risk being seen to suggest that a rock group are looking for them.

Not only that - it's a strange coincidence to which you draw attention. Today, in Bath, a truckload of Valium was stolen; the local police are all lying down around the quaintly named Orange Grove in the vicinity of Bath Abbey, looking for the nearest muscularly relaxed and spaced-out oranges...

Best,

Alistair

[ada]

Today near London a lorryload of Viagra was stolen.

The Police are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

Thal

haw haw haw haw

very cute

[rimv2]

what exactly is it?

It is a misnomer.

People who cant get it up are functioning properly. You dont say a person has athletic dysfunction because he cant go as long as a Nigerian. A person doesnt have hyporthermic dysfunction because he cant take the heat like a brazilian. A person can only operate within   his/her own parameters. And if he cant get it up, its not because things arent working properly, its because things are

[ada]

what exactly is it?  i mean how do you categorize it and define it? 

It's a term made up by drug companies to flog a blockbuster drug.

This is what's known by some in the industry as "disease mongering". ie, you make up a disease so you create a market for a drug.

Let me tell you a story.

Some years ago, following the success of a certain erectile dysfunction drug, medical journalsists began receiving press releases announcing a hitherto undiagnosed condition known as FSD.

The press releases were issued by a PR company employed by a  multinational pharmaceutical company.

FSD, or female sexual dysfunction, the press release said, was affecting the lives  of countless women around the world.

The release presented new "research" showing women were dissatisfied with their sex lives. They were  having trouble reaching orgasm and they simply weren't being turned on.

The problem wasn't with sexual ineptitude of their partners, or the fact that they were too tired from being at the office all day and coming home to screaming kids  to think about sex.

They were victims of a dire medical condition!

The "research" was dutifully reported in the mainstream media, and women began to recognise themselves, and worry, and wish there was a cure for this awful condition.

How relieved they were when the very same company announced not long afterwards that they were releasing a new drug, for..... FSD!

How happy the drug company and the shareholders were to have such a receptive market for their product!

Not long after that, journalists began getting press releases about a newly discovered medical condition, known as.... restless leg  syndrome.....

[ahinton]

It's a term made up by drug companies to flog a blockbuster drug.

This is what's known by some in the industry as "disease mongering". ie, you make up a disease so you create a market for a drug.

Let me tell you a story.

Some years ago, following the success of a certain erectile dysfunction drug, medical journalsists began receiving press releases announcing a hitherto undiagnosed condition known as FSD.

The press releases were issued by a PR company employed by a  multinational pharmaceutical company.

FSD, or female sexual dysfunction, the press release said, was affecting the lives  of countless women around the world.

The release presented new "research" showing women were dissatisfied with their sex lives. They were  having trouble reaching orgasm and they simply weren't being turned on.

The problem wasn't with sexual ineptitude of their partners, or the fact that they were too tired from being at the office all day and coming home to screaming kids  to think about sex.

They were victims of a dire medical condition!

The "research" was dutifully reported in the mainstream media, and women began to recognise themselves, and worry, and wish there was a cure for this awful condition.

How relieved they were when the very same company announced not long afterwards that they were releasing a new drug, for..... FSD!

How happy the drug company and the shareholders were to have such a receptive market for their product!

Not long after that, journalists began getting press releases about a newly discovered medical condition, known as.... restless leg  syndrome.....

This kind of thing is very true, albeit nothing new. Even Chaucer wrote of the collusive association between the physician and the pharmacist (although these were not quite the terms for them that he used) in which the former makes the patient ill and then presecribes a remedy to be obtained from the latter.

However, not all drug company activities are without positive side effects (if you'll pardon the expression). Now I'll tell you a story.

It is well known that the Swiss cellist, conductor and arts philanthropist Paul Sacher (1906-1999) married into the Hofmann la Roche pharmaceutical company and even became one of its directors, remaining in this position for many years in addition to his work as a musician. The company indeed succeeded well under his directorship. One of its star products during this time was the drug commonly known as valium; the profits that its worldwide sales generated for the company may be imagined without difficulty. When Paul Sacher hatched the idea of a Foundation to caretake important 20th century composers' manuscript scores, correspondence and other items, one of his earliest attempted coups was to purchase a vast Stravinsky collection not long after Stravinsky died in 1971. The distinguished antiquarian book and music specialist Albi Rosenthal (whom I knew slightly - he died a couple of years or so back) was deputed by Paul Sacher to bid for this collection and, when he made the successful bid, he reported back with a telegram to Paul Sacher containing the words "valium vincit omnium".

Best,

Alistair

[pianolist]

Cyril Smith and Phyllis Sellick arranged all their piano duets for three hands. They were so in love.

[pianistimo]

cute.     i've been reading all this and tend to agree with most everyone.  i think rimv2 is right.  wherever you're at is just a matter of where you're at.  as ada says - if you have a hectic day, and the kids are busy and all - it's really not very mood setting to also see the house a disaster - and it certainly wouldn't be solved completely by drugs.  the trouble is - i need a drug to calm my husband down.  sort of the opposite of viagra.  he doesn't have a problem getting it up.  in fact, i think his father was one of 13 children.  the crazy thing is - it's not that i want to avoid him - it's that i want to avoid the mess.  sort of as penguinlover is saying - there's only so much messes that one can take - and then you just want to sit down and cry.  it's not exactly being 'in the mood.'  take our bedroom, for instance - there are magazines and books everywhere.  i clean up - they come back.  sometimes they are stacked on my side of the bed.  i come in and think he's doing research or something.  usually he moves them right away - but, why can't he just relax at night and do nothing?  of course, i'm on piano forum sometimes, too - but, if he was just sitting there with no books and magazines around - (and helping clean up bedroom and kitchen ) i would feel a bit more passion.  it's like a library in there.  not to mention the meds that are laying around.  say i put the med's in a box and organize them.  like penguinlover - by three days- the medicine would be all around the box again.  i want to scream too.  but, he's very patient with my foibles - so i guess i shouldn't complain.

[penguinlover]

Pianistimo,
    you say "I'm on the piano forum sometimes".  Isn't that an understatement? lol

    My husband is trying to limit me to fifteen minutes a day on the forum.  That's torture! 
   

[pianistimo]

dear penguinlover,

very astute.  yes.  i am probably the most at fault.  but, i go in and it looks like he's busy - so , i say - ok. i'll go on piano forum.  why do i need complete attnetion so much?  why can't i be happy he's happy.  whenever i am on piano forum - he just lets me have fun.  but, sometimes i go in and he's reading a book - and i sort of expect him to put it down.  although, lately i ask - how long?  i mean, i can't sleep with the lights on until 1 am.

[ada]

i need a drug to calm my husband down.  sort of the opposite of viagra.  he doesn't have a problem getting it up. 

gosh I'm sure your hubby would be pleased to know you're announcing his, er, prowess, to the entire online world.

[ahinton]

gosh I'm sure your hubby would be pleased to know you're announcing his, er, prowess, to the entire online world.

No insults to anyone in particular intended here, but this part of the thread might be seen as suggesting that the difference between penile and senile is a mere non-French letter...

Best,

Alistair

[pianistimo]

yes.  he's sort of aware and unaware at the same time.  he vaguely knows i talk about him occasionally.  now, the 'until 1 am' was book reading.  i feel like starting a bonfire in the backyard.

[pianolist]

gosh I'm sure your hubby would be pleased to know you're announcing his, er, prowess, to the entire online world.

Wow! Piano Street is the whole world - I knew it!

If anyone should happen to be in need of prowess control, here's a helpful hint from Flanders and Swann:

Have some Madeira, m'dear,
It's really an excellent year.
Now if it were gin, you'd be wrong to say yes;
The evil gin does would be hard to assess.
Besides, it's inclined to affect me prowess,
So have some Madeira, m'dear!

If you want the whole song, it's all over the www, including halfway down the page here, but savour the lyrics of the song about the English first. We're a modest lot!

https://www.janegalt.net/blog/archives/004023.html

[pianistimo]

opinion-ridden free-for-all.  i see. 

madiera.  i'll try that.  russians have a high tolerance for wine, though.  might have to be vodka.  my complaint is sort of mumble jumbled.  on the one hand - i want him to be available - on the other hand - i want certain things done before we do other things.  i mean - i don't like walking into a messy bedroom and it immediately makes me walk out again and go on the computer.  it's just too much!  and, i'm not here to be a librarian.  i was for a long time.  i dusted a complete library (i'm serious) in our old house.  it was in the livingroom.  (i would literally take each book out - vaccum the top - and dust behind on the shelf).  but, now the books are gradually descending into the bedroom.  i try to take them out.  to the basement.  but, they keep coming in like a leaky faucet.  novels by 3x every trip to the bookstore.  magazines 2x every 4 days.  i mean - i have stacks to deal with.  i don't want a separate bedroom - but i sort of want 'MY' side back.  he fills my nightstand with his stuff.  i like to have my things 'sparse.'  he thinks that any space available is wasted space. 

[pianolist]

Count yourself lucky, girl.    Mrs Pianolist has to cope with 11,000 piano rolls.

[pianistimo]

11,000.  that's probably the total number of my husband's books.  we had a count of 5,000 about ten years ago.  we have about 12 bookcases.  10 are downstairs in the basement.  1 beside the computer upstairs.  a dozen books on my side nightstand - and more and more books in the kitchen area. 

but, i suppose pianorolls need dusting, too.  it's just that when you get to a certain point - you just want to burn it all.  i mean i do. 

[pianolist]

Books and piano rolls are actually not so easy to burn. Paper needs to be well mixed with air to really catch light. I'll get there first and save them, and then your husband and I can go out and get drunk on Madeira.

[pianistimo]

well, tonight he comes in and does his usual stunt again - asking me if i want to go to a liszt piano concerto concert in reading (as if that solves all of the messes he's been making).  he keeps threatening this concert.  why can't i tell  my lovely husband to clean up or shut up.  i'm too nice.  i just go around cleaning up after him and my children.  i want to go on a trip.  help! 

today, i spent the entire day cleaning because relatives are coming for thanksgiving.  if any of it gets messed up - i'm going to literally shoot the person that messes it up.  well, maybe not literally.  the last thing will be the bedroom -and i'm going to put up a sign on my side - 'do not mess with my side.' 

[penguinlover]

Pianistimo,
   You do need to let him know your dissatisfaction with his messes, especially as you are trying to get it ready for company.  As far as the original topic, the bedroom doesn't have to be "the room".  Try another.  One that is cleaned and you are satisfied with.  Hey, if you have a basement, that would be private.  You can hear if the kids get up.  Make yourself a little haven down there.  We don't have a basement.  We don't have a  real bedroom.  We don't have a door.  We don't have curtains on the windows.  Maybe that's why I have the opposite problem you are talking about.

[pianistimo]

you want the children back?  yes.  i've heard of that one.  my mom told me about it.  i thought she was kidding - but she was serious.  she goes and makes our rooms little museums.  (well, not quite that bad - mine is used as an office come to think of it)  enjoy yourselves - and i suppose i should add - just send the children care packages once in a while and remember all the work you used to do and now how someone else is doing it.

unless the opposite problem is that your room is so neat that it doesn't promote spontenaity.  but, i can't imagine - from my perspective - how that could be.  maybe someday at my house?  i've thought about trying to redecorate the bedroom so it looks more - sexy.  right now, it has a sort of countryfied look.  i have these blue gingham curtains and som flowers painted around the light fixture on the ceiling.  the more i look at at it - the more it makes me realize that i wasn't cut out to decorate sexy bedrooms and make them look alluring (like in the magazines).  it's simply a functional bedroom.  what i need are some sconces - and better subdued lighting.  we have basically a floodlight over the bed.

at least you don't have to tell your husband to shut the door - if there is no door.  we have this stupid door on the pantry that is in a hallway - and if you're in the bathroom and come out - and the pantry door is open - it's like you're stuck in an endless array of doors. 

[dnephi]

An endless array requires infinite information which requires more than our current universe! Wow, you have unique house ;0>

[penguinlover]

Funny about the doors.  Yes, you will miss your children when they leave.  Really, now that they are all older, I would be happy if they all lived close to me, not with me.  And as to the "opposite problem" , I wasn't referring to the bedroom.  Mine is messy too, and not all my husband's doing.  Our house is too small for all the stuff I want to keep.  Anyway, you are mentioning how to get your husband's attention as a problem.  Well, my problem is the opposite - him trying to get mine!

I read somewhere that pomagranets are suppose to work for that, and in the Bible they used mandrakes.  I don't know what they are, but it would be an interesting study someday.  

[pianistimo]

i saw the word 'mandrakes' first- and had to  laugh out loud.  that's all our bedroom would need would be some stuffed animals to complete the look.  say maybe a few pennsylvanian road kill.  a squirrel, a fox, a groundhog.  then, i can take a  picture of my bedroom and send it in to a magazine for review.

now, actually the pomegranites could be worked in nicely.  they smell good. 

dnephi- this is woman's talk - you must leave. 

ok.  - in my fantasy bedroom - i would have pomegranites hanging off of a canopy bed (which would be fireproof, btw) with a thin veil of somekind of really netty material that would eliminate enough light to make my husband have to drop his book reading when in bed.  and, the sconces.  and, a really up-to-date sound system that doesn't hang from the ceiling or have wires and attachments.  no radio antennas  (we actually have one in th basement - so that rules out anything spontaneous by me down there). 

the only room that i would even halfway consider - would be the dining room.  but, who wants to eat on a dining room table that people have been doing it on?  and, we have new couches.