My teacher is devastating me !!

[kghayesh]

I don't know if any of you has ever passed through this, but I am really having some great troubles with my teacher. I know she is an outstanding teacher, pianist and musician and I have learnt so much from her, but the way she's treating me is awful ! It's like she is always trying to demotivate me and make me feel like I can't play the piano at all. She only focuses on the mistakes and negative things about me and enlarges them as if they were everything.

I am not saying that I am a great pianist or that she shouldn't criticize me, but at least she should treat me like a normal human being, especially that I am her best student who is most likely to achieve something and add to her prestige and name as a respectable piano teacher. In two years, I only heard the word "good" about three times, while I hear the word "very bad" almost about 5 times a week. I am unconcsiously begining to lose confidence in myself that i can play at all. After every lesson, I feel so bad after all the bad criticism and hard time she gives me. And she makes it so demotivating that she just says my problems and tell me that they are really critical problems and that he is so surprised how I can call myself a pianist when I am lacking those basics.

Yeah maybe I am a sucky pianist, but at least she - as my teacher - should let me feel that I can overcome all that and become better. Last week I was so happy I got a phone call from a local popular hall that I can perform a solo recital in a weekend next month. Everything suddenly changed when she forced me to call it off because she was busy at that time and that she was afraid that I might not be ready and screw up her name as my teacher. She even demotivated me much more by telling me all my problems and that how I was crazy to think I can perform a recital while I am having all those problems.

Now, I feel so bad about myself and feel so skeptical about my musical abilities and about whether I can achieve something at all. A friend adviced me to dump her and look for another teacher, but the fact that she's already all over me makes me feel I don't have the right to judge her and just leaver her!! I also got so used to her that I feel I'll take too much time to reach all that with another teacher.

I am in deep trouble these days and the last thing I feel willing to do is to go practice. I am simply too de-motivated to think that I can even improve. I don't know what to do, whether to leave her and try my luck with someone else or just continue with her and try not to look back to all her negative comments.... Teachers out here, what do you think?

[thierry13]

She began to form you as a true pianist. If you can't bear that, just forget about the idea of being pianist as a carreer, and get a lower level teacher who teaches people who take it as an hobby and don't put the time in it. Now, if you CAN bear it, then practice those "critical problems" more hours and with more conviction than you actually do.

[lostinidlewonder]

A teacher should be a source for motivation, ideas and confidence. I've always hated teachers who are stingy with praise, yes you know when you are doing right, but you are not given much confidence to achieve what is right. I really find that I am not giving my students anything special when I give praise, some teacher believe it is like giving a present, something very valuable and must be given only on special occasions.

So do not yearn for praise from your teacher if they don't give it.  A teacher sometimes behaves in such a way to push their students on, perhaps this hard assed attitude towards your playing is meant to encourage you and push you on.

Personally I believe that honey catches more flies than vinegar. If you are gentle and kind you can produce more results. I am very full of praise for my students, I give them confidence in themselves and praise them for even the smallest improvement to their ability. And when they do something really good I make sure they notice my shock. Of course if they do something not so good, as a teacher you must diagnose what is the best solution for it, and this is a structured response, not WRONG! TRY AGAIN! SLOWER! FASTER! WRONG FINGER!!!! etc.

That she tells you not to perform is a crime!! To defend her name? That is a joke. Run away from this teacher. Even if you play well in the eyes of this teacher, in the eyes of the supreme teacher of the world you will be rubbish. So you don't play to your teachers approval you do it for yourself, you don't start the concert announcing, MY TEACHER IS BLAH BLAH. And whoever believes a student completely reflects the teacher is severely mistaken. The teacher gives like such a small % in  guidance to the student the majority of the % work is the students own own effort.

[m1469]

She began to form you as a true pianist.

I am quite curious how you figure that ?  Is it written somewhere in some kind of handbook or teacher Bible that this kind of treatment by the teacher is what makes a "true" pianist ?

If you can't bear that, just forget about the idea of being pianist as a carreer

And why would this be, exactly ?

practice those "critical problems"

This I would agree with, however one should be guided in how to actually practice them and yes, overcome them.  I do believe that one of the main points of having a teacher is to have some sort of actual guidence in learning and not just somebody "whispering" something either discouraging or encouraging in one's ear.

[dora96]

I really sympathize you. I have similar situation and piano teacher like you. She hardly says anything good about her students. At one time, I was early to come to the lesson so I sat in the room which you taught the other students. She turned around to  me to criticize  the poor boy trying to play the piano, She said to him shame on you, all you do is play computer games instead of practising the piano in front of me and his mother. She kept going on and on about he doesn't count, playing the wrong notes, doesn't know his scales. The mother was so embarrassed and felt so disgrace for a teacher to insult people like that. There is no encouragement and incentive to young boy of 13 to learn the piano.

I have started my piano lesson since last year. I am doing piano diploma  at moment. She keeps giving me verbal instruction, but hardly play to me the piece I am learning. She only  demonstrates to me by one hard. I said to her can you play for  the section I am having trouble  and her reply is I don't like you copying me. Anyway. the reason I stick with her, she is qualified teacher with reasonable fee plus she is only around the corner where I live.

However, anyone I talk. The one taught by concert pianist teachers, they are very wired and changeable in temperament. When I have my lesson, I feel like I am in army reserve. You have to have some sort of bastardizations from your commender. You know I am old now, my shoulder grew wider and I can take the weight. She can't  put me down. I can handle this old chook.  My daughter usually go once a week, I cut down to once a fortnight to have lesson because my daughter definitely won't put up with her. I teach my daughter and teacher polishes her once  a fortnight. I know it is bad but classical piano is tough I have been through it no wonder most people stop at grade 8 if they are lucky. Please don't let your teacher to upset you. If your gut instinct says to stay with your teacher, let it be. Sometimes, I think that don't keep quiet you are not happy about something. Express it to your teacher. I did that once I said to her " you are too discouraging". Of course, she wasn't happy to rebuke by the student. Since then our relationship is getting better.  Communication with one and another is very important. Most members of this forum have already given very good advice. You will be great I want to come to your concert one day.

Best regards
DORA

[kghayesh]

She began to form you as a true pianist. If you can't bear that, just forget about the idea of being pianist as a carreer

ok, thierry, I kind of get your point, but why??? Can you elaborate more?

[richy321]

If your teacher is worth her salt, let alone her fee, she would know that managing motivational issues is part of her job.  Honesty and candor are indispensible, but if the net effect of her method is to leave you discouraged and miserable, it makes no sense to continue in the same way.  For starters, you need to have a frank discussion with her as to how you are feeling.  If she can convince you that her approach is the best for you, then I would give her another chance, but otherwise I would look for someone who is more sensitive to your needs.

Rich Y

[arensky]

Kghayesh, it's definitely time for you to make a change. You're not progressing and you're demotivated. Doesn't sound like things will change unless you make the change. Good luck! 

[quantum]

Kghayesh, it's definitely time for you to make a change. You're not progressing and you're demotivated. Doesn't sound like things will change unless you make the change. Good luck! 

I agree with the above teacher 

[nyonyo]

If you think you still can learn something from that teacher, you should stay. Otherwise, we you stay with her and get emotionally tortured by her.

In addition, if there is other teacher comparable to her, move to a new one. You pay the teacher so he or she is better treating you well.

But again, if you think it is still worth staying with her, you should stay.

[lazlo]

Just because a teacher can identify lots of problems doesn't mean they can help you overcome them, or that they are helping you to become a better pianist. I was in a similar situation in a conservatory, with exactly the same feelings you describe. And I got the hell out of there after a year. It doesn't mean you aren't a serious pianist if you are feeling extremely demotivated by someone who has a lot of mean spirited criticism for you. A teacher is supposed to support you. It's just as important to identify and reinforce what one is doing correctly as what one is doing incorrectly. In my opinion. My advice: Get out while you still can if you're feeling this bad about it all.

[m1469]

These are some good points being brought up by others.  Honestly, I am a little on the fence about this kind of attitude at the time.  I have made a decision in my own life to not treat my own students in particular ways, but who knows, that may change at some point.  If I were convinced that hurting somebody or confusing them profusely (and then leaving them this way) were actually a better way than another in terms of helping them to improve, I might be prone to go this route and wish it upon myself.

However, I will admit that I don't wake up each morning feeling some blessed feeling in my heart that my University experience was what it seems it was.  It's more like I wake up every morning wondering how in the world to get past it at long last.  Is this beneficial ?  Sure.  Do you know why ?  Because I choose to make it so; however this does not mean I would not have been better off another way (unfortunately there is no way to know now).

What I think about now is that I am beyond grateful that I am not under the same spell that I was in University and that there have been other people in my life who have helped me see beyond it and have been a better fit for now.  What I wish is that I would have had the confidence and level of being enough to find another situation for myself back then, because I felt very stuck and undeserving (and maybe staying was actually the best thing for me ... I don't know).

It's not that I find nothing to be grateful for about my past; I could be grateful for every morsel of it if I wanted.  I suppose some part of me just has this outrageous curiousity about what it would be like to have a truly different kind of experience.

I think there is a big danger in approaching something like this with the attitude that you will come out on the other end with some kind of greater pianistic power than before.  Maybe that will be true, maybe it will not.  If it is true, it's only because you will have found the difference between what actually works for you and what does not, and you will have maximized what works and minimized what does not.  I personally desire a teacher who consciously helps me in this endeavor.

I used to think that one day all would become clear for me and that the experience that I had in Uni. would finally make some kind of sense.  But all that really happened is that I graduated feeling about as low as I could possibly feel.  A good thing ?  I don't know -- it was what it was and what I made it.  I will say for certain that I do not seek this same kind of experience and circumstance for myself now, nor for the future.

[m1469]

You know what's funny ?  I have felt such a faithfulness to my teacher that I feel badly for posting what I posted just above. 

[kghayesh]

so m1469, i understand from this that you had a similar situation to me in college? Did you have a discouraging teacher also and you regret those days?
It's interesting that we might have shared the same experience !

[m1469]

Hmmm ... well, yes, I became actually terribly depressed after my recital and after graduating (couldn't hardly even get out of bed  ).  I have had some mixed feelings about leaving my post up there.  The thing is, I was actually extremely motivated during almost my entire time as a student, however, it came from within myself according to what I felt deep down that I needed in my life (whcih I found and lived by before I met my teacher) -- and I was just determined to not let anything get into the way.  However, I think that sometimes my own motivation was mistaken as a "good" reaction to some of the circumstances I would find myself in with my teacher.  It's actually nearly impossible for me to describe what my overall experience was like.   

What I find interesting is that as long as I believed in myself and in what I thought my life was meant for, I stayed afloat.  Once that crumbled, everything just piled right on top of me and it's been a bit of a long haul getting out from under it.  I guess I eventually just caved in pretty much *completely*.

I have been thinking lately and realizing that as long as I had stayed focused on what I deeply felt was my purpose in music, I could seem to withstand whatever my circumstances were.  But, that focus completely crumbled with the cave-in and I have never found it again since that time.  If there is anything I miss about that time in my life, it is that feeling of knowing that I had a purpose in playing the piano ... actually, there has never been such a feeling for me with anything else.

Anyway.

 

[danny elfboy]

kghayesh you need to find another teacher.
We all know that everything in this life can be learned without a teacher.
So the role of a teacher is not being the only one who can teach (we're the best teachers of yourselves) but to facilitate the learning and to support you.

In other words books are as good as teachers in spreading notions around.
The role of a teacher is not being a box of notions but being a supporter of your curiosity, of your self-esteem, of your creativity and must be a source of compassion, of leading example, of understanding and of friendship too.

In fact finding the teacher that if right for you if not about finding a "good" teacher but finding a like-minded teacher. A teacher that can use analogies that suits your mindset, that can explain things in a way which suits your intellect and worldview, that can joke in a way your can sympathize with and that you can use as an example to imitate.

A teacher that just doesn't suit who you are will not only sabotage your whole learning (yeah you can learn notions, you can improve technically, but the whole of your learning experience will be sabotaged) but will make it harder for you to learn than if you were alone and teacher-less.

Lostinidlewonder is right on the money: honey catches more flies than vinegar.
Einstein said once that only what you learn in awe and with joy can be really understood, remember and applied. Self-esteem is the key of learning. A sense of joy, discovery, the freedom to progress through trials and errors without being punished or criticized and optimism are absolutelly vital to any learning.

You go to the cinema and look a movie you like. When the movie is over you remember everything about the characters, the plot and so on and you could answer to whatever question a friend of yours ask you about this movie. Well this is LEARNING.
The process that took place in those cinema is the quintessence of learning.
We can't learn in a vacuum. Our mind is reluctant to learning by rote or memorizing notions that doesn't make any sense or learning theory without a sense of practice and trial because those are all information out of any context, in a vacuum. We can use an unhealthy mental effort (waste of mental resource) to learn those things, but it's short living anyway.

True learning is just effortless. Everything piece fits nicely, everything makes sense and can be immediately put at good use. Nothing appears to be out of any meaningful context or in a vacuum and each new discovery brings confidence and joy to us.
Teaching by destroying someone's self-esteem, personality, dignity, optimism, curiosity, spontaineity and self-resfect is just "brainwashing". It works in that what was once a bright and spontaneou human is now a robot who can only apply technique by rote but can't feel passion for the life of him/her.

It's not true that dealing with some teacher would make you stronger.
Optimism, love, respect, unconditioned love and trust requires way more strength and hard work than hate, contempt, sterness, harshness and arrogance. Acting like a superior idiot who coerce others just because he/she can is the easiest thing of this world and it doesn't take much to resort to that. But respecting everyone and mantaining a positive and loving attitude ... this is way harder and a teacher who leads such example will strengthen yourself and prepare you to deal with problems than any authoritarian pregnant dog who just chose the easy way to be heard (screaming, coercing, punishing, critcizing, threatening ...) instead of the hard way.

[rc]

A friend adviced me to dump her and look for another teacher, but the fact that she's already all over me makes me feel I don't have the right to judge her and just leaver her!!

This reminds me of some stories from 'Monsters and Angels' by Seymour Bernstein, an interesting read you might enjoy.  In it he describes people who were helpful to him, and others who were harmful (usually under the guise of being helpful).  Some of the monsters were teachers who were emotionally manipulative, skillful at exaggerating their worth.  One example from the book had a lot of prestige, all her students looked up to her and her reputation of being a great but tough teacher, when really all she did was convince them that everything they knew was wrong and that she was the only road to salvation - through this manipulation they became dependant on her.

Your situation sounds unhealthy, quite possibly damaging to more than just your pianism.  Even IF this treatment helps your playing, is that worth the cost of your self-esteem?  Forget about 'professional standards and expectations' for the moment and just consider how it could possibly be beneficial to be so demotivated that you're losing the will to practice?

What a bunch of crap it is to consider that sort of thing helpful for anyones development!

Absurd that she would make you cancel your performance, why a teacher has any business to obstruct outside of lessons is beyond me.  To me, performing is the ultimate point, a performance is a great motivator and a unique learning experience.

Well that's where I stand.  If you're reluctant to leave your teacher kghayesh, I suggest taking a bit of space to consider it on your own - a couple weeks break to be able to gain a broader perspective without being confused by the influence of others.  Even if I think I understand your situation, I'm just some guy behind a screen and can't really know it as well as you can...  Often when people are in a tough situation it's best to take a few steps back to be able to think it through calmly and clearly.

[general disarray]

Your situation sounds unhealthy, quite possibly damaging to more than just your pianism.  Even IF this treatment helps your playing, is that worth the cost of your self-esteem?  Forget about 'professional standards and expectations' for the moment and just consider how it could possibly be beneficial to be so demotivated that you're losing the will to practice?

What a bunch of crap it is to consider that sort of thing helpful for anyones development!

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

You should leave this teacher, pronto. 

If you find you can't leave, a little counseling from a professional might help.  It's an odd but observable psychological fact that humans tend to replicate family dynamics with authority figures they deal with outside of the home.  If one or both parents are withholding and impossible to please, the youngster can be a set up for unconsciously seeking out this kind of treatment in teachers.  There's something about the "familiarity" of this emotionally abusive behavior that just seems to feel "right."

But, of course, it's not right.  It just feels familiar.  Walk away from it.  There are just as many teachers out there who are gifted AND nurturing.

[alzado]

I've read this thread with considerable interest.

I wish you would have provided more specific details of exactly what she might say to you when you play a passage. 

My former teacher had the bad habit of stopping me right in the middle of a phrase if I hit one wrong note.  The cost of this was always to make pieces I played at my lesson all chopped up. 

My current teacher almost never praises, but she does not cricitize negatively much either.  She will give me an answer if I ask her something specific.  She almost always allows me to play a piece through, and then may go back to point out flaws.  I do enjoy being allowed to just play the darned piece!

Sometimes the praise she DOES give -- infrequently -- is modestly surprising to me.  For one example, she said a few weeks ago, "I really liked the way you pedaled that."

I was told here on the forum that teachers who customarily deal with advanced students -- say, at universities when teaching performance majors -- just assume the student is going to play something well.  For them, the flawless performance of a passage is what is expected at that level.  Consequently, they almost never "butter you up."

How about controlling your own material?  Can you choose your pieces, or does he/she do that also?

I go along with the posters here who recommend your looking for another teacher.

[kghayesh]

It looks like most you guys here advice me to look for another teacher. Well, I had a talk with my teacher last lesson and I think she is way too professional and better than what i think that I can judge her. She just knows what it takes to be a well-formed pianist and I simply don't know like her, so that confirms that she is right. I even talked with my parents and they definitely think i would be so mistaken if i left her.

After I read your post alzado, I really felt i would feel so awkward if i got nothing but praises from my teacher. This way I will have no reason to practice more and try to improve because simply i will feel that i am already so good.

You wanted more details, well when I play a passage I am usually expecting a negative comment. That makes me play when I am taking a bit of my concentration to listen to her. When I make anything wrong, she stops me and tries to figure out what is the problem, it is absolutely no problem for her to make me return to the very basics of piano playing, posture and arm movement, which makes me feel soooo bored. About choosing the pieces, I choose them and she just advices me but I always have the final word.

In the end what I feel is that I'd better stick to my teacher. I've already been studying with her for more than 2 years and we know each other just quite so well. Maybe she is not motivating me much, but isn't that better than fake and false praise motivation??

[m1469]

It sounds like you are learning a difference between being actually "devastated" vs. discovering a mentality which sees the need to improve.

[general disarray]

After I read your post alzado, I really felt i would feel so awkward if i got nothing but praises from my teacher. This way I will have no reason to practice more and try to improve because simply i will feel that i am already so good.

In the end what I feel is that I'd better stick to my teacher. I've already been studying with her for more than 2 years and we know each other just quite so well. Maybe she is not motivating me much, but isn't that better than fake and false praise motivation??

It's not EITHER/OR here.  It's not "fake praise" vs. nothing but "debilitating criticism." 

There is a middle ground.  There is constructive criticism AND supportive, valid observations that also  point out your progress and strengths in order to motivate you.  To offer only negative input to a student is neither professional nor advisable.

I had a teacher like that in conservatory.  He was famous and was notoriously critical.  My interpretation of his criticism was that I was not talented and unworthy of his time.  So, I sought out and auditioned for another leading professor who accepted me as his student.

Well, before I could make the official switch, my critical prof heard of my discontent and called me in to his studio.  He was shocked at my decision.  "Why?" he asked.  I told him that his relentless criticism of my playing -- without ever pointing out what I did well -- led me to believe that I was not talented enough to study with him and I didn't want to irritate him any longer.

He was stunned to know he was perceived to be so negative with his students, apologized to me, and asked me to remain with him.  Which I did and had wonderful years of study with him.

The Moral of This Story?  Relentless negative feedback is useless and destructive for everyone.  Praise when it is legitimately due is like a drop of rain in the desert. 

I wonder why you think psychic suffering is necessary to becoming a fine pianist?

[m1469]

I wonder why you think psychic suffering is necessary to becoming a fine pianist?

It appears that I am once again jumping in here.  Of course others will express their own thoughts on this, but I will say that I have been under the impression, at times, that some teachers feel that suffering is necessary to becoming a fine pianist because it will ultimately give them life-experiences to pull from when needing to find a connection with a piece of music.  There is also the element of somebody whom is going to be performing a lot to need to be "tough" or so.  Well, that's all fine of course and there is probably a lot to that.

HOWEVER, there is more than one way to go about building a skin for criticism and an audience's possible underwhelment with a student's performance, and there are plenty of opportunities in life for a person to gain some life-experience.  Gotta go prax .

[m1469]

Here is a scenario :

Teacher wants student to improve, student wants to improve.  Teacher is smart, student is smart.  Student is motivated.  Teacher is teacher.

Motivated student walks into lessons.  Teacher talks on phone in baby voices to wife and whomever else.  Student wonders when lesson will begin, teacher takes sweet time as though teacher could care less about when lesson begins.  Power trip and already getting into student's way.  Teacher may even believe that this kind of game will be motivating for student, put student in place and put teacher in power position to have control over student.  Student already looks up to teacher and would follow every word teacher says.  Needless confusions.  Maybe student plays, maybe not so much.  Maybe lesson gets interrupted for half the time, student leaves lesson and goes spends the week practicing just like always.  Teacher feels that s/he has motivated student and will therefore keep up the behavior.

Student is smart and realizes teacher games, however, does not like games.  Student becomes perplexed because student now knows that if student spends the week practicing, teacher will think teacher has done a good job.  Student wants to prax anyway, what to do ?  Student practices just like before, shows up at next week's lesson and this time teacher is 15 mins late.  Fine.  Enter lesson.  Who knows what ?  Will student play ... will lesson begin ?  We don't know.  Power trip.  Teacher wishes student sees teacher's power.  Student already thought more highly of teacher before the games.  Student spends the week practicing just like always.

Teacher starts to enter student's personal life in twisted ways.  More power trip and some thought that teacher is doing something good for student's piano health.  Student just confused and distracted from tasks at hand by teacher's behavior.  What to do ?  Of course, practice learn and grow ... what else ?  Who is driving ?  Student.

Teacher begins reverse psychology.  When something goes decently or student feels good about something, teacher brings student down.  When something goes badly, teacher tells student it is good and that teacher did not notice mistakes ... student knows better and is frustrated by teacher's apparent lack of interest in reality of student's experience.  Student starts to feel that teacher does not actually know what is happening with student and starts to wonder why ?

Maybe student is not good enough for teacher's attention ?  What to do ?  Well, practice of course just like before, just like always.  Student already knows.  Teacher feels good ... or perhaps teacher feels nothing ?

How does student practice ?  Voyage into realms of the unknown.  That's fine - still student's desire.  Not much guidence regarding practicing from teacher "Play slowly.  Repeat sections not entire piece.  Focus for small time better than unfocus for big time" fine. 

Student knows not to trust teacher yet teacher wants student to trust.  However, teacher says that teacher's job is to make teacher obsolete.  So far, student wonders, what will change to make teacher "obsolete" ?  Maybe just confusing teacher will become gone and student could just go on practicing in peace  .  Student already makes teacher obsolete.  Teacher doesn't like this, plays more games.

Over summer between junior and senior year, student sets big repertoire goals.  Writes goals down to teacher and teacher says teacher is touched, it will take years, and teacher promises to help student with goals in whatever way teacher can.

Student plans recital, not because student has to, but because student deeply wants to.  Biggest thing of student's entire life.  Works harder than ever.  Digs deeper than ever before.  Is more focused than ever before.  Passes hearing to give recital, teacher ditches student.  Teacher becomes not only distant, but mean.  Goes further into student's personal life in twisted ways.  Student is very sad but still practices because recital is coming.  Teacher acts like teacher will not be involved with student's recital.  Student is confused and sad but recital is coming so student stays focused.  That is student's decision.

Recital happens, some trouble spots that turn student's world upside down.  Recital turns student's world upside down.  Teacher and student never talk about the recital.  Teacher just basically kicks student out of studio except for student's request to please finish out the year still.  Teacher becomes more mean and distant than ever.

Little game teacher decides to do; recommend a piece to student in a subtle way.  When student starts to play the recommended piece, teacher acts like teacher is against it.  Teacher makes a recording of piece for student and puts it on cd, spend one lesson with it and then teacher gets mad that student plays the piece.  Tells student's former friend, at the friend's dinner table, that this student works on this piece and how bad that is.  Well, former friend was also working on the same piece at teacher's request.  Teacher aims to drive a bigger wedge between students (former friends).  It works.  Student is very confused by now ... starts feeling very lost and depressed and there is nobody to talk to. 

Graduation happens without any reconciliation but with utter meanness from teacher and huge anger from student.

Of course student goes on but it's hard.  Every step is very heavy.  Everything is very heavy.  Student is afraid to perform, doesn't know how to practice, doesn't know good from bad playing, has no idea how to really teach ...

Student doesn't have a piano.  Student sneaks into room with piano at the University (that is not being used) and starts to pick up the pieces of student's shattered piano life.  Student starts on repertoire goals from before.  Teacher realizes studnet is using this piano and has it removed.  Student sinks into deep, dark hole of despair.

What's the point of all of this ?  Wasn't student doing okay on student's own ?  Wouldn't student have been better off without all of these games ?  No way to know.  What if student had a teacher who responded to student's goals ?  What if student had a teacher who did not keep student always starving for attention and musical food, but gave student a chair at the music table and a nice musical meal, finally matching student's motivation from all along ?  What if, what if, what if.

Years later, student still believes that teacher will fufill promise to help student with goals as much as possible.  Why ?  We have no idea.  Student begins to realize that whatever teacher had to give, it already happened years ago and ended in utter sadness and confusion.  Finally, one day, teacher writes to student and says "sorry to cause you so much trauma before, but you have to agree that you are better and stronger than ever.  A real musician now."  Teacher has become proud or so of student.

Student agrees.  But, student knows that student was always strong and student was always a musician.  Student grew since graduation because student found real musical food in other places and ways to manage goals from other teachers.  In the end, original teacher tried to say in one little message that what teacher did for student was all worth it now ... don't you see you student ?  Look what I have done for you, teacher says.

5.5 years later.  Time for a real change.  Time to come to grips.

[general disarray]

Here is a scenario :


What's the point of all of this ?  Wasn't student doing okay on student's own ?  Wouldn't student have been better off without all of these games ?  No way to know.  What if student had a teacher who responded to student's goals ?  What if student had a teacher who did not keep student always starving for attention and musical food, but gave student a chair at the music table and a nice musical meal, finally matching student's motivation from all along ?  What if, what if, what if.

There's never a point to sadism and the scenario you describe is dripping with it.  To assume that learning only occurs through negativity, disrespect and pathological emotional manipulation is patently illogical and absurd.

Of course, it's true that one student who has learned to accept as normal a parenting style at home that is hyper-critical, disparaging and dismissive may "rebel" with a teacher who uses these same techniques and work like a demon to undo the damage done at home.  It's called "repetition compulsion" in psychoanalytic theory -- i.e. the student revisits the criticial treatment at home in his or her studies in a misguided attempt to "undo" the earlier damage.  An attempt to take on the  same type of critical person(s) who dominated his childhood and to finally find victory by conquering the teacher.

This can and does happen, but at what price?  Usually, the student ultimately consolidiates identification with the hyper-critical authority figure and turns into one him or herself.  So, the legacy of human abuse is perpetutated.

If you beat and discourage a pet, it turns out at least to be neurotic, if not downright vicious.  Humans are the same.  There's no need to torture students with games.  Even if the game is only the so-called "benign" one of never complimenting, never praising, never reinforcing.  This type of teaching produces slaves to the tradition of abuse, not artists.

What I find ultimately interesting about the last response from the poster who began this "devastation" thread is his/her honing in on the few posts that urged him/ her on to continued suffering with this teacher, in order to be a "true artist."  The majority of the posts here urged an end to this excuse for teaching he/she is enduring.  But, the poster gravitated to the idea of "praise is crap" and "suffering is real."  And, then, revealed that his/her parents don't want him/her to leave the sadistic teacher.

Hello?  Is Sigmund Freud reading this from The Other Side? 

[danny elfboy]

The idea of giving life-experience pain usefull for music expression by playing psychotic torture games on the students is just out of this world. First of all someone who has such a passion for music has already a stronger sensitivity which will make him/her feel things in a vivid way without the need of silly sadistic experiences (pain is another thing and are not the annoying power trips of an authoritarian pregnant dog that will allow someone to have a better grasp of what a painful experience is) Unless we live the emotionally repressed and pedaled down aseptic lives we modern people are so fond of, every human being has its dose of suffering and painful introspection.

That being said in a famous essay about theater Aristotele answers to the dilemma whether an actor must have experienced the same pain of the character in order to express his pain properly by asking "if an actor must credibly play the death of his character, should he have been death at least once?"

The talent of an artist is to the skilled control of empasys and creativity so as to be able to express emotions that he has never experienced in the first play. Expressing emotions shouldn't be something outside of piano playing obtained from switching to being "the pianist" to "being the person who remembers the pain in his life". Expression emotions is an aspect of the skill of "piano playing", it is still within the real of fiction just like the character emotions are for an actor.

[danny elfboy]

It looks like most you guys here advice me to look for another teacher. Well, I had a talk with my teacher last lesson and I think she is way too professional and better than what i think that I can judge her. She just knows what it takes to be a well-formed pianist

No, she doesn't.
She just believes to know what it takes to be a well-formed pianist.
The evidence is that there are a plethora of teachers and pianists who don't have her attitude and who would never treat a student the way she does and yet their playing shows that they too know what it take to be a well-formed pianists and they too have turned students into skilled well-formed pianists.

and I simply don't know like her, so that confirms that she is right. I even talked with my parents and they definitely think i would be so mistaken if i left her.

They just are not there when she harass you instead of teaching you, if they have been there they would think the best thing is to change teacher.

After I read your post alzado, I really felt i would feel so awkward if i got nothing but praises from my teacher. This way I will have no reason to practice more and try to improve because simply i will feel that i am already so good.

When you have the esteem and total respect of your teacher and when your teacher acknowledge your skill and compliment you when you do good you feel even more motivated to do even better because you're in your consciousness doing it for your teacher too, the teacher that believes in you. There's NO need to be criticized and tortured in other to understand the need for improvement. The need for improvement is natural, you can be as good as you want but it has nothing to do with the fact that there are still technique, topics and pieces that you've not dealt with yet and this, realizing that there's still so much to do, is all you need to feel the need for improvement. Even at a very beginner level you can be VERY GOOD and VERY SKILLED when playing your beginner pieces and you teacher may compliment on your talent, but this doesn't change the fact that there's so much material you have not covered yet and you need to gradually learn.

In the end what I feel is that I'd better stick to my teacher. I've already been studying with her for more than 2 years and we know each other just quite so well. Maybe she is not motivating me much, but isn't that better than fake and false praise motivation??

Praising a student is not false praise or false motivation.
A teacher can be honest and still supportive, sympathetic, pleasant to work with ... or she can just be a sadistic authoritative pregnant dog. There's a huge difference.

There are so many teachers out there, teacher who will boost your learning while boosting your self-esteem too, teacher who are more likely to understand your playing and what you need to improve and teacher who are like-minded and have an approach which better suits you. It's no big deal changing a teacher but just don't believe that your teacher is the only good one and that you can't find better ... in fact don't believe that only if you have a "famous" teacher who explit her fame among students, you can become a good pianist.

[m1469]

The evidence is that there are a plethora of teachers and pianists who don't have her attitude and who would never treat a student the way she does and yet their playing shows that they too know what it take to be a well-formed pianists and they too have turned students into skilled well-formed pianists.

Yeah, this is a good point.  I also want to point out that there are plenty of people who believe this IS the way to go but they are not necessarily turning out amazing pianists; at least a lot of their students won't be.  When I think of a teacher like the one I described in my post above, I figure that they must have been "raised" in a similar situation and just don' t know any differently or so ... honestly, I feel sorry for that.  The point is though, there are schools where loads of students pile through and are maybe treated poorly, and where do those students go after graduating ?  What do they become ?  Who are they ?  A lot of students may pass through a system that is unkind and many of these people just fall to the roadside, or so it seems.  What does that mean ?

I think that a lot of teachers who are fond of harshness have the attitude that it is survival of the fittest and those whom don't thrive under their tyranny are just not strong and therefore deserve to be passed on by.  This is just so wrong and backwards to me and I just don't understand how that actually has *anything* to do with music -- you know, the art we have signed up to learn more about by taking piano lessons !

Perhaps it's different if an individual is striving to make a living out of being a musician.  Perhaps teachers tend to think they really have to toughen a student up then because it's a "cold, cold world out there."  Well, I guess I just feel like when all is said and done, survival is dependent on the tools that a person has and his/her desire and ability to use these tools. 

The funny thing is that a teacher who feels that they must act horribly to a student in order to prepare them for the "real world" is really a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The exact type of person these teachers are supposedly preparing the student for is the one dishing out the crap and calling it sugar as they are spoon feeding their trusting little pupils a dose of nothing but their own resentful self.  Who are the students being protected from now ? 

Anyway.

I guess I question what kinds of tools a teacher whose backbone to teaching is mainly harshness is really giving to their student, especially since there are a number of people who may pass through a similar experience to this yet are clearly not very well-equipped human beings and are often not even very well-equipped musicians after the experience.

I don't mind a tough teacher and one with high standards who expects a lot from me, and from the right person, I actually appreciate this very much since a certain expectation is a sign of believing in my ability to fulfill it.  I just don't care much for wading through big, stinky piles of other people's psychological and emotional BS on my time for the seemingly sole purpose of being exposed to it and getting some of the filthy stench on me; I have too many other things that I wish to do with that energy, time and effort.

[danny elfboy]

The point is though, there are schools where loads of students pile through and are maybe treated poorly, and where do those students go after graduating ?  What do they become ?  Who are they ?  A lot of students may pass through a system that is unkind and many of these people just fall to the roadside, or so it seems.  What does that mean ?

I think that a lot of teachers who are fond of harshness have the attitude that it is survival of the fittest and those whom don't thrive under their tyranny are just not strong and therefore deserve to be passed on by. 

Perhaps it's different if an individual is striving to make a living out of being a musician.  Perhaps teachers tend to think they really have to toughen a student up then because it's a "cold, cold world out there."

But such a philosophy is completely skewed, so while I understand why certain teachers might believe so I still wonder how they really believe that's the solution.

What I mean is that there's no evidence of any kind that experiencing harshness in the own environment and among people who should actually be your supporters, be your friends and sympathize with you; helps you to deal better with the harshness of less friendly environment.

To my knowledge and my personal experience is exactly the opposite.
The colder the world out there is, the more you need a lot of support, sympathy, esteem, respect from the people who have a special relation with you and are the leading roles of your life circumstances.

It's actually not that hard to deal with the cold world out there and it's actually a matter of self-confidence ... like the difference between fearing problems and obstacles and let them hurt you or be proud of your positive attitude and talent in trying to solve those problems.

Countless childrens have been able to stand the harshness of poverty and war while remaining positive, sympathethic and altruist brilliant individuals still able to see the beauty of living.

The difference between the people who had the confidence to deal with poverty and wars positively and the people of nowadays who gets depressed and mad if they can't buy the last expensive fad is that those people and those children were not alienated from the meaningfull supportive people of their living experience, their "circle of support". No human being can live alone and every person needs the support and the help of other people at whatever age and in whatever circumstance.

Having friends or relatives or teachers or mentors that protect you knowing that you'll do the same for them, that have a big esteem for you, that don't think you're so stupid to believe the world is all pink and that you'll never understand there are black sides if they don't treat you like sh*t all the time and don't refrain from providing and showing affection,  that are able to provide hugs and caresses we all so need desperately, that are firm but kind, that are honest but gentle and that never fail to show their love for you ...

... IS THE BEST WAY TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH WHATEVER TOUGH SITUATION THE WORLD WILL HAVE FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE A SOLID FOUNDATION OF FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, PROTECTION, RESPECT, ESTEEM, TRUST, COMPASSION THAT MAKE YOU AS STRONG AS POSSIBLE.

It's just one of those nonsense things people do without knowing why they do it, like the idiocy of letting your child cry just because you're worried that cuddling him/her will make him/her dependent on you and never independent.

Not only this is a ridicolous pathological belief but it's disgustingly hypocritical since we live in a society that doesn't want children to be independet and who infatilize them all the time, while people are considered "adults" just because they curse or show off their cynism and brutality and not because of their independence and empathy (which they often they lack).

People become stronger and better equipped to deal with life in a positive yet realistic and empathic yet self-determined way when they're surrounded by compassion, love, affection, esteem, respect, gentleness, sweetness and protection from the people around them, from the familiar environment made of the friends, teachers, mentors, siblings, relatives and parents they chose to have around.

They become weaker when the people around them show the same sterness, cycnism and cruelty of the "cold, cold world out there" in the demented belief that having them experiencing such things from friends, teachers, parents, siblings will allow them to better deal with the same things in the cold, cold world. Such a retarted belief that it's even hard to comment rather than remaining speechless.

[thierry13]

I am quite curious how you figure that ?  Is it written somewhere in some kind of handbook or teacher Bible that this kind of treatment by the teacher is what makes a "true" pianist ?

And why would this be, exactly ?

You didn't really tought about it a second before asking, rigth ? First of all, she began to teach him in the way he will get critiqued if he becomes concert pianist. Why should he forget about being a concert pianist if he gets SO discouraged when he gets bad review ? Because everybody else in this damn world will do way worse to him when he gets out there on his own! There's no way he's gonna handle it if he can't deal with such a teacher. When a teacher completly destroyed my playing by his comments, the only thing I felt was to be excited to be able to learn so much more from this teacher. You have to take direct criticism the way it is.

[danny elfboy]

You didn't really tought about it a second before asking, rigth ? First of all, she began to teach him in the way he will get critiqued if he becomes concert pianist. Why should he forget about being a concert pianist if he gets SO discouraged when he gets bad review ? Because everybody else in this damn world will do way worse to him when he gets out there on his own! There's no way he's gonna handle it if he can't deal with such a teacher. When a teacher completly destroyed my playing by his comments, the only thing I felt was to be excited to be able to learn so much more from this teacher. You have to take direct criticism the way it is.

This is just an utterly wrong perspective.
The only way you learn to deal with criticism by critics when you become a concert pianist is to experience what's like to be criticised as a concert pianist.
There's is absolutely no connection at all from being criticised disperately by your teacher and therefore learning how to deal with professional criticism once you're a pianist.
The two circumstances are so utterly different and unlinked that it's just impossible that one helps with the other or that one experience can be extrapolated to the other.

There's no way that lacking the support and esteem from the people that should be a source of support and esteem makes you in any way stronger and more resistant to bad criticism.

QUITE THE OPPOSITE!

You not only learn to deal with professional criticism by living the experience of being criticised professionally as a concert pianist but also by having a unconditioned support and esteem from the everyday people of your life like your teachers, friends, family.
Having a supportive and sympathetic and affectionate teacher does a lot more about "making you able to bear criticism" than any sort of ridicolous pop-psychology acting with the belief that if you're treated like sh*t by your teacher you'll be better at dealing with being treated like sh*t by the rest of world. It's like comparing apples and oranges and absolutely ridicolous.

She is not teaching anything to her. Emulating the criticism of the world in the weekly lessons has absolutely no effect of any kind in teaching a person how to stand criticism.

[pianowolfi]

You didn't really tought about it a second before asking, rigth ? First of all, she began to teach him in the way he will get critiqued if he becomes concert pianist. Why should he forget about being a concert pianist if he gets SO discouraged when he gets bad review ? Because everybody else in this damn world will do way worse to him when he gets out there on his own! There's no way he's gonna handle it if he can't deal with such a teacher. When a teacher completly destroyed my playing by his comments, the only thing I felt was to be excited to be able to learn so much more from this teacher. You have to take direct criticism the way it is.

As if there weren't other, more intelligent and human ways to prepare a prospective concert pianist for the "cold cold world" than acting like a freaking psychopath.

A teacher like Kgayesh's and the one in m1469's example are not preparing anyone to be a great pianist, they're just ruining good potentials.

[danny elfboy]

As if there weren't other, more intelligent and human ways to prepare a prospective concert pianist for the "cold cold world" than acting like a freaking psychopath.

A teacher like Kgayesh's and the one in m1469's example are not preparing anyone to be a great pianist, they're just ruining good potentials.

Even worse, they're "preparing" them for the "cold cold world" by making them spineless zombies. When a person is suffering for the way he/she is treated there are two solutions:
boosting his/her confidence and rebellious potential for change or turning him/her into a slave of circumstances that accept everything because he/she knows there's no alternative.

Destroy any sense of confidence, self-respect and self-rights in a person and he/she will stop suffering even when people exploit him/her to no end. That's what happened to the south slaves that indeed believed eventually that they were inferior and being slaves of rich white idiots was the best thing they could hope for or get from life. It's not teaching, it's brainwashing of the worst kind. It's such an "addomestication" of the senses and emotive core which is just counterproductive to anything artistic.

There's a great quote by Einstein:

"It is a very grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty. To the contrary, I believe that it would be possible to rob even a healthy beast of prey of its voraciousness, if it were possible, with the aid of a whip, to force the beast to devour continuously, even when not hungry, especially if the food, handed out under such coercion, were to be selected accordingly. "


What this teacher is doing would make sense only if she would expect a reaction.
Claiming to treat a person like sh*t in order to preparing her for the world out there is pathologically insance but claiming to treat a person like sh*t in order to trigger a defensive reaction in order to prepare her for the world out there would make a bit more sense.
The hypocritical contradiction is that if the OP would react to the harassing of this teacher, the teacher would not be glad but would probably kick the OP in the butt out of her house.

This alone would prove that not only this "preparing students for the cold world" is a NONSENSE but also that this teacher (and other teachers) have nothing of that kind in mind when they harass their student and rob them of their confidence.

[the_duck]

First of all, she began to teach him in the way he will get critiqued if he becomes concert pianist.

surely the role of a teacher should be to cultivate their students' love for and understanding of music, not merely to thicken their skin against criticism, which in my view is a far easier thing to impart.

[general disarray]

Do any of you know the movie "The Piano Teacher"?  I don't mean "The Pianist" with Adrian Brody about the Holocaust.  Not that one.

This movie is by Michael Haneke, the Austrian director, and stars Isabelle Huppert as a prominent Viennese conservatory teacher and specialist in Schubert and Schumann.

However, her REAL speciality is sadism.  She's a real terror to her students, all of whom are neurotic lumps of self-doubt, thanks to her.

She meets her match in a new male student who responds to her sadism with sadism of his own. I won't spoil the plot for you, but you should rent it.  It's a psychologically true account of how teachers become sadists and how they perpetuate sadism and masochism in their talented students.

Once you watch it, you'll never think again that harsh, manipulative, punitive teachers have the best in mind for their students.  These are damaged people who go on to damage others.  Period.   

[m1469]

First of all, she began to teach him in the way he will get critiqued if he becomes concert pianist.

(...) merely to thicken their skin against criticism (...)

I think that duck is pointing out an important attitude that develops amongst not just teachers, but amongst people in general.  The truth of the matter is, we can't just deal with this topic as though it's isolated to piano and art, it is really about human nature and what we have to learn to cope with here on earth in order to live a rich life.  An artist must be an artist in many, many ways !   One of the most important skills in life is that of being able to adapt to what one is being faced with in each moment.  Is a "thick skin" important ?  Well, I guess it depends really.

I recently watched a nature program which gave the program viewers a glimpse into the lives and ecosystems of different plants from around the world.  What I found to be most fascinating were the various environmental conditions in which different species were able to not just survive, but actually thrive in.  What stood out most to me along these lines is that various species are actually designed for certain regions of the world.  For example, cactus do not just survive in the desert, they *thrive* there !  If a cactus were taken out of the desert and placed in a rain forest, somewhere completely foreign to their makeup and design, they would either have to adapt and actually change the way they are structured and the way they function, or they will die.  Whereas another species of plant, like a fern for example, may thrive in the rain forest and die in the desert.   Notice, these particular conditions are not necessarily better or worse in general, it just depends on the species trying to live in those conditions.

There is an art to truly adapting to one's circumstances.  One must be capable of utilizing what resources are available in such a way that the individual's entire makeup becomes recalibrated to actually thrive under the circumstances they are faced with.  I think that as artists, if we are not thriving, we are essentially dead.  An artist must take on many personas and not just be capable of acting them out but must instead be capable of being them in structure and design.  Adaption is the art of a thriving state of existence, and developing the skill to thrive is essential to artistic survival.  If we relate an individual to a species of plant, you could say that a person cannot just be a fern who learns how to survive in the terrain of a cactus ... that is simply not going to work unless the structure that makes a fern a fern actually learns to mimic the structure that makes a cactus a cactus !   Essentially, an artist must be both.

So, yes, there are strong points in having a thick skin but developing this to match the demand for it is an art in and of itself.   Also, one simply cannot stop developing once they believe they have accomplished a "thick skin" (as though this is the quintessential element to survival), and I think the concept of "thick skin" is anyway *very* mistreated by most people ! 

Relating back to plantlife, what I find very interesting is that although various species will thrive in various conditions, the actual survival elements for all of plant life is essentially the same.  A cactus still needs water even though it lives in a desert.  What makes a cactus a cactus is the fact that it is designed to gather, store and utilize nutrients like water in a very specific way.  A fern is designed to gather, store and utilize water differently.  A similar example is found in something like sea life.  A fish actually still needs oxygen in order to survive, the trick is that a fish gathers, stores and utilizes oxygen in a way that makes it a fish !  A fish has gills instead of lungs.

Okay, so to the point.  As a teacher myself, I feel I would be doing my young artist students a disservice to try to make them adapt to only one particular form of circumstance.  I don't want to train them to be only a fern and I don't want to train them to be only a cactus.  Perhaps many teachers share a similar view to what I just said, and perhaps even some of the types of teachers brought up in this thread have some kind of connection with what I just said.  Maybe they believe they are even motivated by the same desires for their students (though I am a bit suspicious about that).  In the example I posted about up above, perhaps that is even the basic idea there.  You help a person learn how to adapt by putting them in various circumstances, giving them the opportunity to restructure and survive.  Okay, there is something to that but one must be very, very careful in walking that particular line.  First of all, my standard as a teacher is not just to have my artists survive in various circumstances, but to have them actually thrive since I believe that thriving is essential to artistic survival.

I could decide to take my little potted cactus, sitting in my window sill, and "teach" it to adapt to rain forest conditions by driving to the rain forest and dropping the cactus off by the side of the road and then quickly driving away in my car without looking back.  Or I could "teach" my little goldfish to adapt to living outside of water by netting him and placing him in the grass in the backyard.  I could fool myself by saying that if they really want to and if they are strong enough, they will survive and they will adapt and I could pat myself on the back for doing such a favor for these little guys.  But, I think we all know what the likely fate is of these creatures; they will not survive on their own.  Okay, let's say they did survive.  Have I actually taught them anything ?  Well, most likely they are indeed learning *something* but it's probably not at all what I had in mind for them to be learning and I certainly have not crafted a learning environment to ensure their success (nor have I actually passed on any particular knowledge or skill).   

I think that what I described above is similar to how people think of lessons in art and in life, and individuals claim to be teaching somebody something just because the individual survived and learned something in the process.  If this is how a student learned the "art" of being a musician, they may wear their rough experiences as some kind of merit badge and may even develop some attitude that there is a secret code of honor in having been "raised" in these kinds of circumstances.   If you ask these people what they learned they will answer "I learned how to survive, man" and they may even describe their experiences to you in order to really show you that they have accomplished something of great value (and perhaps they have).   These people will teach in the same way because that is how they learned.   

In the case of fishies and plants, the chances of them actually surviving in this way is actually pretty slim.  If a fish or plant dies, well, it's no big deal (to most people).  However, when it comes to teacher and student, we are talking about people and it matters very much whether these individuals are successful or not !  Even though some people do indeed survive this kind of treatment, many do not. 

I think, in fact, that is one of the main points to some teachers and to some people in the field of music who believe that art is about survival of the fittest and that being an artist is about mere survival in a cold world.   But, I have to ask, what kind of music do we really expect to get out of these people who have merely survived ?  What kind of inspiration ?  What kind of quality is coming out of this form of "schooling" ?  It's just not good enough to me.  For the most part, I am just not touched and in many, many cases, I am not even curious because most of what these people "talk" about is how tough their skin is and life is much, much richer than just that !  If I am going to take my time and listen to your story, it better be about more than how much you have suffered because I have suffered, too, and I would like to use it differently than just a means of telling a tale to a listening ear !

The point, though, is that to be an artist, we must do more than just survive and the ability to adapt to our circumstances does not mean we are capable of existing without the proper nutrients, it just means that we have to learn how to recognize them in varying environments and then how to gather, store and utilize them differently.  Now, if a teacher ventures into that realm, then I would say that they are actually teaching somebody something of life value.  In reality, what matters more than a "tough skin" is a resillient, flexible character.  A character that knows how to survive hardships and still accept the most tender, intimate, loving aspects of life with a truly trusting, honest, pure and open heart.  In my opinion, a person is basically dead if their "tough skin" has simply become a defense against everything and all.  And if nothing else, I would certainly rather listen to "joe nobody" who is capable of communicating the full spectrum of life to me through the music of the piano, than "joe cool" who has only one main story to tell (and doesn't even understand the meaning) and expects me to listen just because his name is "joe cool" !

Okay.  Where are we now ? The reality of being a human being and of being an artist is that we will be subjected to many different circumstances throughout life, and some will be harder than others.  On top of that, we will get critiqued by other people and ourselves while learning to navigate our way through.  At this point, I feel it's essential to recognize that not all critiques are created equal.  And, learning to discover the difference between those critiques which we should listen to and those critiques which we shouldn't is essential to developing the difference between a flexible character who recognizes how to find resources and thrive in varying circumstances, vs. a character who has developed merely a "tough skin" and uses this like a weapon even when the actual circumstances do not demand for the use of this one, tiny little tool and even when it may be better to be tender instead of tough.  The problem is that many people take a concept like "tough skin" and exploit until it starts to seem like something that it is not, and treat is as though it's the only way to survive in the world.  Well, that is similar to saying that the only way to survive as a plant is by becoming a cactus.

With that, I think I will go for now.  Trying to write out this post blew my mind and opened up WAY more in me than I was expecting at the time ... LOL !