lonely and depressed... advice?

[db05]

Hey, it's me again.  Been in and out of the forum for hours now, can't sleep. Started crying. Not helping. I cannot sleep, I am here, I guess I'll talk here.

Don't tell me I'm clinically depressed, I think that's BS, and besides, you won't be able to tell by just this thread. I get mood swings a lot, and I'm getting used to it. In a few days or weeks, I'll be fine. I've learned to expect the sun to come out sometime....... So why won't it come out now? It's should be due.......

I can talk about my goals and aspirations all day. Maybe even start doing something about them, but for what purpose? My life's purposes were debunked sometime ago, but I still tried to carry on with my list of things to do. But alone with no real purpose, one can only do so much.

I love being here, on most days it's my only chance to talk to someone who also likes classical music and piano. Who is intelligent and maybe could understand what I'm trying to say... But still, I get lonely. I have very few close friends, they live far away, are not interested in music the same way as I am, and are very very busy.

What's the point of studying all these things, and maybe even achieving your goals, if there's no one to dedicate your life's work to? I can't just go hook up with anyone down the street. I need someone very special. And people who understand me are few and far between. Compared to that, my music studies lose their importance.

I know I'll be fine sooner or later... Just need to get this out of my chest...

"With one hand high
you'll show them your progress
you'll take your time
but no one cares..."

[pies]

a

[db05]

https://www2.b3ta.com/mind-control/mindcontrolexperiment.swf

Thank you very much, pies. You made my day. 
It is exactly the profound intellectual conversation I was hoping for.

[pianistimo]

rather funny and sad at the same time.  ok.  here's what you do.  you go to your 'secret place.'  you know - wherever you went as a child.  a tree perhaps.  you sit in the tree and you contemplate nothing but what you want to.  maybe take a book with you.  and some lemonade.  don't practice piano today.  you'll just get frustrated.  when your thoughts clear - it won't be on having anyone in particular in your life.  you'll just see who shows up.  it might be a few birds.  that's ok.  sometimes birds are comforting.

[db05]

The truth is, I have classes today. It is 1:25 AM. There's a storm coming, but they rarely interrupt classes. And Sir bernhard is back. That made me jump for joy. I don't know why.

[pianistimo]

glad you are cheering.  sometimes it just takes telling people how you feel.  i've been feeling a little under the weather, too.  just a lot going on - right before school.  actually, tommorrow is the first day for HS, and grade school.  we typically get ready - but there's always some kind of stress involved.  maybe take a nap to catch up on sleep missed last night -after your class?

[thalbergmad]

you go to your 'secret place.'  you know - wherever you went as a child.  a tree perhaps.  you sit in the tree and you contemplate nothing but what you want to. 

You must have some pretty big trees in yankee land if you can sit in them.

Thal

[thalbergmad]

Don't tell me I'm clinically depressed

OK, you are mildly depressed.

Thal

[db05]

glad you are cheering.  sometimes it just takes telling people how you feel.  i've been feeling a little under the weather, too.  just a lot going on - right before school.  actually, tommorrow is the first day for HS, and grade school.  we typically get ready - but there's always some kind of stress involved.  maybe take a nap to catch up on sleep missed last night -after your class?

Can't. Piano lesson, and then concert. We're required to watch. I can't sleep on a concert. I've tried spacing out. Can't. Critical-ness... taking... over... must... invoke... respect... for... concert artists...

Usually I leave the concert hall feeling unsatisfied. Either because it wasn't so good, or it was good, and the encore seemed too fast.

[thalbergmad]

I can't sleep on a concert. 

I can. I slept through the Schumann concerto once.

That piece should be rebranded as a cure for insomnia.

Thal

[db05]

I can. I slept through the Schumann concerto once.

That piece should be rebranded as a cure for insomnia.

Thal

Great, we're going to watch a trumpet player today. Now that would be soothing.

*prays for typhoon to hit Manila*

[Petter]

I slepth throughout a performance of Beethovens 9th. I remember falling asleep during the introduction where it sounds like they´re tuning the orchestra and waking up later to the sound of the applauses when it was over.

[db05]

I slepth throughout a performance of Beethovens 9th. I remember falling asleep during the introduction where it sounds like they´re tuning the orchestra and waking up later to the sound of the applauses when it was over.

I don't know why, but Beethoven symphonies do have that effect on me. But do you want me to sleep now? Sir bernhard is here. Don't know why, but that sure got my blood flowing.

[concerto_love]

db, you feel the same way like me.. 

[db05]

db, you feel the same way like me.. 

The people that care don't matter (usually)
The people that matter don't care (or don't know you)

[retrouvailles]

My reccommendation: Don't ask for help about a potentially serious issue on a forum. Talk to some real people about it. You know, who actually care.

[db05]

My reccommendation: Don't ask for help about a potentially serious issue on a forum. Talk to some real people about it. You know, who actually care.

The people that care don't matter (usually)

Real people are fake (usually)
Online people are more honest (you can feel it otherwise)

[general disarray]

Hey db,

Here's my quick fix for a bluesy mood.

First, I check out what thoughts I am thinking.  I look at what I am telling myself.  Why?  Because thoughts produce feelings.  Emotionally and psychologically speaking, that's the way it works.

You can catch yourself saying the most depressingly nasty things about yourself, or life, or others.  Examine these thoughts.  Test them with logic, then reality.  Then give them the boot.  You can control what you think, despite what most people believe.  You are in charge of your brain.  Not your brain in charge of you.  Make it so. 

If you're thinking about something totally out of your power to change and influence, then STOP thinking about it.  When your brain goes there, shout "Stop" and distract yourself with some activity -- preferably a physical one.  Eventually that useless thought will die out.

Sorry you've been sad.  Hang in there.  If your mood doesn't lift, please see a therapist for awhile.  It's amazing how just talking to an unbiased pro can make you feel better.

Best,

Whit

[db05]

Hey db,

Here's my quick fix for a bluesy mood.
...
You can catch yourself saying the most depressingly nasty things about yourself, or life, or others.  Examine these thoughts.  Test them with logic, then reality.  Then give them the boot.  You can control what you think, despite what most people believe.  You are in charge of your brain.  Not your brain in charge of you.  Make it so. 

If you're thinking about something totally out of your power to change and influence, then STOP thinking about it.  When your brain goes there, shout "Stop" and distract yourself with some activity -- preferably a physical one.  Eventually that useless thought will die out.
...
Best,

Whit

Sir! I've been telling myself to stop thinking about it, and forget about it for some time... But it comes back with a vengeance- reality.

The thought doesn't die, neither do I. Sometimes I feel like, I wish I didn't have these dreams. I wish I didn't have these standards. I wish I could be easily content with whatever trash is on the radio, whatever work or play I do, what kind of friends I have, what kind of life I have........ BUT THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK DON'T YOU THINK???

EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC. AND PLAY THE PIANO WELL WITHOUT HAVING TO GIVE UP SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY. That's what I thought........

But now I feel like giving up. I want to be the best teacher... and I can't even play Fur Elise after a year of piano.

[moscheles001]

db05, I know from personal experience that depression can have serious, even dangerous impact on your life. It's true that the things you tell yourself, especially the things you say about yourself, can affect your mood, but there's always the possibility of a physical cause for your mood. It may just be a question of diet and/or exercise, fatigue, etc., or it be that, like me, you have a chemical imbalance which affects your moods.

Don't say that clinical depression is BS, because I promise you it isn't. If this were a problem with your technique, you'd d something about it wouldn't you? So why not do something about this problem. Are you happy being depressed and lonely?

Please see a professional. It doesn't have to be s shrink; it can just be a doctor or a counselor. These things can get far worse when they're untreated. Don't take the risk; see someone whose job it is to help.

[retrouvailles]

Real people are fake (usually)
Online people are more honest (you can feel it otherwise)

Haha, that is a good one. Go to a non-piano forum with people that are around the age group of 16-30 (most of the internet), like GFF (not Concert Hall). Try asking for help there.

[thalbergmad]

That should provide some interesting responses.

Thal

[db05]

db05, I know from personal experience that depression can have serious, even dangerous impact on your life. It's true that the things you tell yourself, especially the things you say about yourself, can affect your mood, but there's always the possibility of a physical cause for your mood. It may just be a question of diet and/or exercise, fatigue, etc., or it be that, like me, you have a chemical imbalance which affects your moods.

Yes, it might be just a physical thing. Lack of exercise, sleep... But chemical imbalance? There has to be a cause for that. Where did the chemicals come from? I never smoked anything, took (prohibited drugs) or anything like that. In a sense, every problem or pain is just chemical imbalances in the brain, but we don't need to see a psych for those things. Also, it still hasn't been factored out if I have a spiritual problem. Until that is solved, physical improvement won't mean a thing to me. I might look fine to everyone else, but not to me.

Don't say that clinical depression is BS, because I promise you it isn't. If this were a problem with your technique, you'd d something about it wouldn't you? So why not do something about this problem. Are you happy being depressed and lonely?

Please see a professional. It doesn't have to be s shrink; it can just be a doctor or a counselor. These things can get far worse when they're untreated. Don't take the risk; see someone whose job it is to help.

I have a right to say this because I've been there and done that. Maybe doctors DO successfully treat patients with clinical depression, but that is not what I have. I go to my classes. I eat my meals. I sleep every night. I interact with people. People I meet wouldn't know I have a problem until I tell them. My sis is a doctor, she'd interned at the psychs as a med student, and met with some REAL patients. They basically don't do anything, just sit there. Or go crazy. One attempted suicide. But that's about it, as they mostly do nothing.

My own experience with counselors and doctors is like this. I see a counselor. He is very nice. We talk for a while, I enjoy it. But when it's over, I'm home, am lonely again. Next time, I tell him I still feel awful, maybe I'm depressed. So he refers me to a doctor. Doctor sucks. Prescribes meds. I have no idea how they work, but I try. Really nasty side effects after a while. Stops one, continues other. Really nasty long-term side effects. Felt worse than when I started. At this point, I hate the doctor. Not all doctors are bad, though. But meds, ugh. No way.

Treating me physically or chemically is barking up the wrong tree, imo. It's a spiritual thing. Being disconnected. Having dreams debunked by reality. Everyone experiences that, it's just that I haven't found my answers yet.

[db05]

Haha, that is a good one. Go to a non-piano forum with people that are around the age group of 16-30 (most of the internet), like GFF (not Concert Hall). Try asking for help there.

I didn't state it too clearly.

Online PEOPLE are more honest. If someone is lying, you'd feel it. LIARS are NOT PEOPLE IMO!  They're sub-human! It is quite obvious. You're hopeless if you think these are people.

[Bob]

Could just be the doldrums.  In that case, don't worry about being happy.  Just exist and make it through this time period.  After all, in a year you might be really happy.  Or in ten years.  And that's worth waiting around for.  Not that there's much of a choice. 

Work always helps.  Doing something productive, esp if it's something you'll just have to do later anyway.  Don't think about happiness and buckle down and just work.

Hope that helps.

[forzaitalia250]

When I'm upset I just run. Put on some good running shoes and just keep going. Usually once I'm exhausted I'm too tired to think properly. Of course this advice may not be practical, but I've found it effective.

[general disarray]

db,

You mention your sister, who's a physician, who has worked with people who are clinically depressed.  Yes, they literally can't function.  You say you do function and sleep and have an appetite, but you are joyless, hopeless and lonely.  This is not a strict "clinical depression" but a low-grade form of depression, dubbed "dysthmia."  Chemicals don't cure this, and besides, you've tried them and they don't work; longterm psychotherapy makes it manageable and can ultimately "cure" it.  ALL of us suffer from depression, as you must know.  You need help right now.  Don't go it alone. 

You say it's a "spiritual thing" with you and I believe you.  Meds will only slightly alleviate the issues, like a painkiller that doesn't cure the underlying cause.

You sound lost spiritually.  There are things you can do about that.  Concrete things.   Personally, I found Christianity and the other major religious systems to be unhelpful.  Then, I explored Zen Buddhism.  Its particular form of meditation enabled me to isolate my thoughts of crippling despair and move on.  I haven't looked back.

"Life," as Neitzche (I think) said, is "brutish and short."  You must rise above all that and your own "ego," or sense of self, that is dictating to you that you must DO THIS or BE THAT to be a worthy person.

There's only two things to do on this earth:  first, do no harm, secondly, watch over and care for those you love.

Be of service and get out of yourself.  Help the poor, the ill.  If you won't commit to long-term psychotherapy, then you must learn to stop thinking of yourself and your woes in order to move on.

You mention seeing MDs who prescribe meds, which you hate.  But, you haven't mentioned building a long-term relationship with a counsellor or a psychotherapist who will slowly, gently help you uncover the sources of your discontent and then help you learn how to alleviate them.

It takes a lifetime to grow up where your life becomes bearable and full of contentment.  Forget "happiness":  it arises unbidden and usually as the result of doing something kind for someone else.

Give to others if you want to heal yourself.

Once again, I wish you the best.

Whit

[db05]

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better now. Slept on the bus, dreamed happy dreams. When I woke up, I felt fine.

Psychotherapy? Heard about it, never met one. Might be interesting, but I doubt there is one in this country I can meet. And I have never met anyone, professional or otherwise, that I can have a long-term relationship with. Yes, I am that difficult. I am on the wrong planet.

Just work? I can do that, up to the point of diminishing returns, either because I'm frustrated and give up or I'm really exhausted. But of course, work for me is study. When I start and don't finish something, I feel a lot worse. Maybe I have no talent. But I don't have much of a choice, and I'd come back to the piano sooner or later.

[lucylucy]

 i'm soooooo sorry for u ! sorry i didn't read all your post (too long lol).
anyway you just need to cry a looooooooot cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry and stop drinkin anything then you'll be desiccate, and u'll never cry again =D
and eat a lot of ice cream

[chopinmozart7]

close your eyes and, just think of a moment in your life when it couldnt be better
and take a walk to clear your mind. You will feel better.

[concerto_love]

lucy's right, It can be help.... Sometimes I do it too, oh, try to punch the pillow too...!

[db05]

i'm soooooo sorry for u ! sorry i didn't read all your post (too long lol).
anyway you just need to cry a looooooooot cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry and stop drinkin anything then you'll be desiccate, and u'll never cry again =D
and eat a lot of ice cream

Thanks! LOL about being dessicate, never tried that... I'm sure I'll enjoy ice cream. I'll go stack up just in case.

close your eyes and, just think of a moment in your life when it couldnt be better
and take a walk to clear your mind. You will feel better.

 
You're not sure?

[pianochick93]

When I'm feeling slightly depressed (which I am sort of at the moment) I generally read a book, sing, or do something that will keep my mind off of what is making me sad. Alternatively I rant on a miscellaneous rant thread on one of my forums, it gets it all out, makes it more clear what your thoughts actually are, so you can try and find something that will make you feel better.

Oh, and chocolate is great stuff. Releases endorphins.

[db05]

When I'm feeling slightly depressed (which I am sort of at the moment) I generally read a book, sing, or do something that will keep my mind off of what is making me sad. Alternatively I rant on a miscellaneous rant thread on one of my forums, it gets it all out, makes it more clear what your thoughts actually are, so you can try and find something that will make you feel better.

Oh, and chocolate is great stuff. Releases endorphins.

You can always rant on my thread. I believe this is a great place to let it out.

Hmmm. Ice cream, chocolate. Can I just kill two birds with one stone and buy chocolate ice cream?

[pianochick93]

You can always rant on my thread. I believe this is a great place to let it out.

Hmmm. Ice cream, chocolate. Can I just kill two birds with one stone and buy chocolate ice cream?

I don't think it works as well, but it does taste nice.
Personally I find milk chocolate the best type for making me feel better (thal, no remarks about getting fat...I dance it all off), though white chocolate isn't bad either. Dark chocolate is a bit bitter for me, but it works for some people.

[db05]

I don't think it works as well, but it does taste nice.
Personally I find milk chocolate the best type for making me feel better (thal, no remarks about getting fat...I dance it all off), though white chocolate isn't bad either. Dark chocolate is a bit bitter for me, but it works for some people.

What? Isn't the part that makes you happy in the dark ones? So I don't know if white chocolates work. But they do taste nice. My sister the doctor confirmed that chocolates do make you happy. And she would eat the dark one. So, monkey see, monkey do. 

[concerto_love]

chocolate, yeaaaah.. 

[cai hong]

well db05,I must say that I am also depressed too right now.Although people said I'm too young to get depressed,but seriously.One problem leads to another one and that's what have happened in me.

I think you are doing the right thing by sharing this to us but...

uh well if I were you I will...uhmm

when I have a bad day and got depressed I often hid my feelings.It's a very wrong action I took.Then I often go to another board and meet my friend (which is also lived very far away and very busy) abd share my problem.But I always got dissapointed because I think I am very closed down about sharing my feelings so I often get the wrong answer so...

yeah like that...

[concerto_love]

you mean, I.... sorry, cai.. forgive me...

[cai hong]

you mean, I.... sorry, cai.. forgive me...

well sometimes ya,but can we now more focused on db05? right?

[db05]

well db05,I must say that I am also depressed too right now.Although people said I'm too young to get depressed,but seriously.One problem leads to another one and that's what have happened in me.

I think you are doing the right thing by sharing this to us but...

uh well if I were you I will...uhmm

when I have a bad day and got depressed I often hid my feelings.It's a very wrong action I took.Then I often go to another board and meet my friend (which is also lived very far away and very busy) abd share my problem.But I always got dissapointed because I think I am very closed down about sharing my feelings so I often get the wrong answer so...

yeah like that...

Well, I choose carefully who I tell problems to.  I have a few good friends on here already (guess who) so am comfortable. I don't think most other people would understand anyway, how I want to become a great pianist/ teacher... But then everyone, pianist or not, would be baffled by my mood swings.

Oh well, "You can take the kid from the fight, but can't take the fight from the kid," and I end up playing again anyway.

[morningstar]

Yay db is happy! I am also sad, my grandmother who was very dear to me died yesterday, only I have no idea how to deal with it and seem incapable of grieving over it. Should this be a new thread or just continued off this one?

[db05]

Yay db is happy! I am also sad, my grandmother who was very dear to me died yesterday, only I have no idea how to deal with it and seem incapable of grieving over it. Should this be a new thread or just continued off this one?

Continue. I get low ever so often, and I need to renew my resolve. I want this to be the "help with life" thread on here. On dA there is a whole board devoted to it.

[morningstar]

Continue. I get low ever so often, and I need to renew my resolve. I want this to be the "help with life" thread on here. On dA there is a whole board devoted to it.

OK. So does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm really sad, it hurts like a physical pain but I'm incapable of grieving. Tried talking to friends at the church I've started attending recently but I don't understand what they're telling me yet...

[db05]

OK. So does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm really sad, it hurts like a physical pain but I'm incapable of grieving. Tried talking to friends at the church I've started attending recently but I don't understand what they're telling me yet...

Maybe you need time alone. Grieving is different for everyone. When I was young, I'd never cry on such things. My uncle died 10 years ago, and it's only this year that I ever cried about it. He was my godfather, and quite advanced at the piano. I inherited his books, and can't play anything... I feel obliged to learn.

[morningstar]

Maybe you need time alone. Grieving is different for everyone. When I was young, I'd never cry on such things. My uncle died 10 years ago, and it's only this year that I ever cried about it. He was my godfather, and quite advanced at the piano. I inherited his books, and can't play anything... I feel obliged to learn.

It took 10 years?! Wow. Probably just I have no real emotional experience or something like that if it makes sense. I taught her piano when I went to visit her and played marche funebre (funeral march) at her funeral, that was cool at the time

[morningstar]

Wow that sounded lame! Sorry everyone for my crap.

[db05]

Wow that sounded lame! Sorry everyone for my crap.

No, it's not.

I only started piano last year, and then I asked my aunt about my uncle's CDs, then music books. There were a lot, and my aunt wasn't very organized. Took like a month to get everything, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is more. I realized what I've been missing. If he were still here... He could've taught me piano... 

It's cool that you got to play piano for your granny.

[morningstar]

No, it's not.
I only started piano last year, and then I asked my aunt about my uncle's CDs, then music books. There were a lot, and my aunt wasn't very organized. Took like a month to get everything, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is more. I realized what I've been missing. If he were still here... He could've taught me piano... 
It's cool that you got to play piano for your granny.

If you say so...A month is a long time to find some books and CD's, must have been heaps. What's the saying? "You never know what you have til it's gone"? Where are you at in piano anyways? Yeah figured it would make a good tribute thing.

[db05]

If you say so...A month is a long time to find some books and CD's, must have been heaps. What's the saying? "You never know what you have til it's gone"? Where are you at in piano anyways? Yeah figured it would make a good tribute thing.

Yes... Look at my signature...

Most of the piano books and pieces were my uncle's, but some were from my grand-aunt who was a teacher. She had a couple of strokes, and I've only seen her wheelchair-bound. Auntie says that before all that, she was teaching SPED here. She can teach mutes, and read Braille. Wow!  And before even that, she taught music in the states. We have books here on teaching music to children. I didn't keep them, though. I'm running out of space.