Chat up lines.

[michel dvorsky]

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. A joke that requires thought - isn't funny???

My god - what is it with you Americans... you want the most dumb, thoughtless laughs without using your brain cells... you want the most fatty, high-cholesterol, quick meals and want perfect, trim, fit bodies -ALL WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK FOR IT.

My god... You want everything without any effort - you don't want to think, do or expend any bloody energy or will-power, and now you don't want to expend any thought???

MY GOD!!!

Well, the joke is based on a logical fallacy, since you *can* multiply by zero.  Multiplying by zero is so important and used in so many mathematical proofs that to say that it's "not possible" is downright stupid.

Even if the joke made sense, it wouldn't be funny because the joke is just inherently unfunny.

Seriously, your responses are all the proof we need that you have no sense of humour.  If you had replied in a comical or lighthearted fashion we might have forgave your first failed attempt at wit.

...and what better way to show your sense of humour than with an anti-American tirade?  You must come from the Geaneane Garofalo school of comedy.

[retrouvailles]

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. A joke that requires thought - isn't funny???

My god - what is it with you Americans... you want the most dumb, thoughtless laughs without using your brain cells... you want the most fatty, high-cholesterol, quick meals and want perfect, trim, fit bodies -ALL WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK FOR IT.

My god... You want everything without any effort - you don't want to think, do or expend any bloody energy or will-power, and now you don't want to expend any thought???

MY GOD!!!

Sorry, but I happen to not be American (I'm a Mexican through and through). I just happen to live here right now. Also, I love a good joke, but one that requires TOO MUCH thought isn't funny. I love a good joke that requires some thought. And calm down, buddy. This is a joke thread. No need to get hot headed.

[perfect_pitch]

Sorry, but I happen to not be American (I'm a Mexican through and through). I just happen to live here right now. Also, I love a good joke, but one that requires TOO MUCH thought isn't funny. I love a good joke that requires some thought. And calm down, buddy. This is a joke thread. No need to get hot headed.

Never mind... The brilliant jokes are wasted on the dumb.

[retrouvailles]

Never mind... The brilliant jokes are wasted on the dumb.

It looks like you edited your post. But don't worry, I'm smart enough to see the insult in your post.

[ahinton]

Never mind... The brilliant jokes are wasted on the dumb.

Ergo the dumb jokes are wasted on the brilliant (and on most of the rest of us).

Best,

Alistair

[michel dvorsky]

Ergo the dumb jokes are wasted on the brilliant (and on most of the rest of us).

Best,

Alistair

Not quite, Hinty. This is a logical fallacy - If A then B; B, therefore A. In other words, it's like saying, "If you're the President of the USA, you must be an American; Therefore, if you're an American, you must be President of the USA"

Though I appreciate you taking my and Retro's side against this obnoxious little toad.

[communist]

I read about a study done recently where this was tested.

They used experimenters of both sexes.  They approached men and women with the very simple line:  "I find you very attractive.  Would you like to sleep with me tonight?"  

Nine of ten men said yes.

Ten of ten women said no.  

I think that 10 people is not enough. Try about 100, I find 10 is to few   

[ahinton]

Not quite, Hinty. This is a logical fallacy - If A then B; B, therefore A. In other words, it's like saying, "If you're the President of the USA, you must be an American; Therefore, if you're an American, you must be President of the USA"

Though I appreciate you taking my and Retro's side against this obnoxious little toad.

That's OK. I was, however, correct, at least in intent, to the extent that I was seeking to refer to this specific context only rather than in the more general terms where your remarks would be appropriate; I should, however, have made this clear at the time.

Best,

Alistair

[perfect_pitch]

Though I appreciate you taking my and Retro's side against this obnoxious little toad.

If you had a sense of humour michel... then maybe I'd have some respect for you...

but you're an idiot!!!

[michel dvorsky]

If you had a sense of humour michel... then maybe I'd have some respect for you...

but you're an idiot!!!

I neither seek nor desire your respect. 

[turayza]

If you really are a 14 year old female as your profile suggests, I am shocked.

What do you get up to in Seattle??

Thal

D: We live in perverted times.

[richard black]

They used experimenters of both sexes.  They approached men and women with the very simple line:  "I find you very attractive.  Would you like to sleep with me tonight?" 

Nine of ten men said yes.

Ten of ten women said no. 

Well I know personally of one instance where pretty much exactly that line worked (no, it wasn't from me) from a man to a woman. Mind you, the guy who used it could probably charm the pants off a stone statue if he had a mind to try. Which is kind of the point with chat-up lines, isn't it? As with so many things, it's not what you got, it's what you do with it....

A lesson our friend (?) perfect_pitch may have to learn at some point.

[retrouvailles]

If you had a sense of humour michel... then maybe I'd have some respect for you...

but you're an idiot!!!

With comments and an attitude like that, I don't think anyone here has any respect for you.

[weissenberg2]

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. A joke that requires thought - isn't funny???

My god - what is it with you Americans... you want the most dumb, thoughtless laughs without using your brain cells... you want the most fatty, high-cholesterol, quick meals and want perfect, trim, fit bodies -ALL WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK FOR IT.

My god... You want everything without any effort - you don't want to think, do or expend any bloody energy or will-power, and now you don't want to expend any thought???

MY GOD!!!

At least Americans can play the 2nd ballade without playing it terribly (

)

[communist]

Please stop being mean to each other 

[perfect_pitch]

)

1) That was a number of months before my exam so obviously it is a little rough, plus I'd never played a piano that heavy...
2) Please weissenberg - I'd love to see you do better.
3) Considering I was talking with the other staff members in my work (who are mainly female) and ended up on cheesy pick-up lines as the topic of conversation... just for a laugh I told them the Multiply one, and the comeback and they laughed their frickin' heads off.

So those that don't find it funny, or don't think it's a great rebuttal line? Either you don't have a sense of humour, or you sure as hell have never tried dating.

@retrosomething... The last person on this board who I want respect from is you.
#michel... the problem is you don't have any respect in the first place, so there's no point in arguing with you.

[retrouvailles]

@retrosomething... The last person on this board who I want respect from is you.

Ouch! Why you gotta hate? Why can't we just be friends?

[michel dvorsky]

3) Considering I was talking with the other staff members in my work (who are mainly female) and ended up on cheesy pick-up lines as the topic of conversation... just for a laugh I told them the Multiply one, and the comeback and they laughed their frickin' heads off.

LOL. "I'm the funniest guy at the office. Everyone says that, like, I should totally do standup!"

[perfect_pitch]

LOL. "I'm the funniest guy at the office. Everyone says that, like, I should totally do standup!"

Well at least I can make the ladies laugh. It's a good quality in a man Michel - you might want to try and develop it. Nice signature by the way. I can't believe you went to all that trouble searching through the frickin[' archives to find a thread that's probably well over a year old - just for me.      (I still stand by it.) Now, Olga Kern... she played Rachmaninoff's 3rd very well. Probably my favourite performance so far.

@ Retrouvailles - I still stand by my remark to...

it requires too much thought, and a joke that requires too much thought isn't that funny in the end.

What are jokes without thought? They provoke, they challenge. they stimulate the brain... Yes, you do get some jokes that are just humourous because of observation (and some of today's comedy is based upon this principle), but if you laugh without thinking, then you're not laughing because of the humour.

Humour is about making connections between thoughts, observations and to make those connections, thought must be used.

If you laugh at the silliest little things that require very little thought, then you close yourself from understanding the brilliance of stand-up comedians who put a lot of time and effort into their jokes.

[weissenberg2]

1) That was a number of months before my exam so obviously it is a little rough, plus I'd never played a piano that heavy...
2) Please weissenberg - I'd love to see you do better.
3) Considering I was talking with the other staff members in my work (who are mainly female) and ended up on cheesy pick-up lines as the topic of conversation... just for a laugh I told them the Multiply one, and the comeback and they laughed their frickin' heads off.

So those that don't find it funny, or don't think it's a great rebuttal line? Either you don't have a sense of humour, or you sure as hell have never tried dating.

@retrosomething... The last person on this board who I want respect from is you.
#michel... the problem is you don't have any respect in the first place, so there's no point in arguing with you.

Sorry, I feel kinda bad now, I blew it a little out of proportion, I just hate when people go on "anti-American tirades".

It was not bad by the way.

[momopi]

Would you be my sugarmomma?

[pies]

a

[ahinton]

"I can't lick my own elbow, but can I lick yours?"

Intelligent Answer: "you'd have to be pretty quick to do that before it forces your false teeth down your throat".

Best,

Alistair

[gep]

I think the best answer any lady could give to all these very hormonal questions would be something on the line of "Sorry, but I don't date boys". Given in the kind of well projected voice that is easily audible throughout even the bigest and loudest of places, and with a facial expression on the lines of "is that a full diaper I smell??" it should be enough to make even the ugliest head that has risen to hang down quickly again...

[pianochick93]

It looks like Mr. Hinton is practised at answering pick up lines...

[ahinton]

It looks like Mr. Hinton is practised at answering pick up lines...

It is perfectly possible to exercise intelligence and imagination without actually practising, you know! - in any case, those mentioned in this thread have been for the purposes of addressing women, of which I am not one.

Best,

Alistair

[birba]

This thread has digressed into one of the most ridiculous discussions ever encountered here.

[gep]

This thread has digressed into one of the most ridiculous discussions ever encountered here.

But since the topic itself is some miles beyond the sensibillity event horizon and accelerating (and no doubt intended to be so), the discussion hasn't veered as much as some threads.

It's the odd crouton of sillyness that spices the murky daily soup of daily life idiocity into something just about tollerable. Take it philosophical, I say. Not everything has to be on the "Verily, brethren, I speaketh and sayeth forth" type of conversation!

 

[ahinton]

Not everything has to be on the "Verily, brethren, I speaketh and sayeth forth" type of conversation!

Now coming as this does from the chairman and chief executive of the not especially Protestant Netherlands Bach Society, I have to say that the surprise factor arising from your chosen phraseology is undiminished!

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

It looks like Mr. Hinton is practised at answering pick up lines...

Indeed, he is often swarmed by groupies after concerts.

The girls just love him.

Thal

[ahinton]

Indeed, he is often swarmed by groupies after concerts.

The girls just love him.

There's really no answer to that - except, sadly, that as I am unaware that Thal has ever attended a concert including any of my works, the authenticity of his remarks may have to remain for the time being open to some question...

Best,

Alistair

[go12_3]

This thread has digressed into one of the most ridiculous discussions ever encountered here.

I agree!   

[ahinton]

I agree!   

I'd go farther and suggest that it had very little going for it in the first place, frankly...

Best,

Alistair

[gep]

Now coming as this does from the chairman and chief executive of the not especially Protestant Netherlands Bach Society, I have to say that the surprise factor arising from your chosen phraseology is undiminished!

Best,

Alistair

Hmm, I must say I find the phraseology chosen by the most certainly not Protestant Netherlands Ministry of Taxgathering undiminished surprising too. Though perhaps in another way...
The NBS chairman has been a little slow on executing Bach lately (exécuting that is, not éxecuting!!), he must confess, since he has had so many new things to hear and such, an hour only having 60 minutes in them. He has to his chagrin as yet only scratched the surface (figuratively speaking) of his new Bach WTC I & II as played by Samuil Feinberg. *deep sigh* Luckily, he's got some holiday coming up, and will try to spend it on Venus, where a day lasts 243 Earth days...

gep

[momopi]

Intelligent Answer: "you'd have to be pretty quick to do that before it forces your false teeth down your throat".

Best,

Alistair

Hahahahahahahahaha!      

-I'd like to put my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.

WAhahahahaha! OMG, HP allusion!

I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot

Intelligent come-back: I'm actually a man. Prostate, you like?





PS: I'm actually a girl  

[turayza]

Please don't lump all of us Americans together. :l

[bestpianosoftware]

I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

I hope this is not addressed by a woman to a man. 

[zheer]

I hope this is not addressed by a woman to a man. 

 No, that would change the meaning a lot.

[pianochick93]

I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

I hope this is not addressed by a woman to a man. 

Yes, but then that would imply that she is a sl*t. Then she would slap you. You have maybe a 10% chance of getting anywhere with that line, and only if she's in a playful mood and not easily offended.

[franzliszt2]

I was with a female friend in a bar and this guy came up to her and said "Lets not turn this rape into a murder"

That was the weirdest one I have heard.

"I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure you make your bed rock"

Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?

[ahinton]

Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?

That's perhaps one of the better ones, but an intelligent answer would surely be "they're stockings, actually - and you're about to make contact with the bottom of that stairway"...

Best,

Alistair

[rob47]

you have a vageen and i haff a peen let's bone immediately!

ne of you tried that? honeslty it wokrs like 30 % of the time but you will get an STD most of the time!  Or so I've heard 

Nils pleases delete this if its ridiculous and drunjk dial me a PM tommorow

[rob47]

Oh damn alistairs online.

Nils can you actually wait like 14 hours till I wake up and read this hilarity until you delete it? thanks bra!  Your website always rocks my socks! Maybe let opus10/2 and memminger nad jake post before??? Please?/ Those guys are comeidc geniuses like Alistair

[ahinton]

Oh damn alistairs online.

Did you intend there to be a comma between your second and third word above? There would be a substantial difference in meaning between that sentence with said comma and ditto without it. It may, however, be presumed that you did intend there to be an apostrophe before the "s" in "alistairs", since I am unaware of a plurality of people with that name on this forum.

Nils can you actually wait like 14 hours till I wake up and read this hilarity until you delete it? thanks bra!  Your website always rocks my socks! Maybe let opus10/2 and memminger nad jake post before??? Please?/ Those guys are comeidc geniuses like Alistair

I have no doubt that Nils will either delete or not delete suchever posts as he sees fit whenever he may see fit to do so without requests such as the above; he is in charge of this forum, after all. Whilst one might wonder why and how said forum does anything to your socks, it is certain that Nils is not a bra.

Anyway, back to the topic (if anyone else must)...
Best,

Alistair

[communist]

That's perhaps one of the better ones, but an intelligent answer would surely be "they're stockings, actually - and you're about to make contact with the bottom of that stairway"...

Best,

Alistair

Did you intend there to be a comma between your second and third word above? There would be a substantial difference in meaning between that sentence with said comma and ditto without it. It may, however, be presumed that you did intend there to be an apostrophe before the "s" in "alistairs", since I am unaware of a plurality of people with that name on this forum.
I have no doubt that Nils will either delete or not delete suchever posts as he sees fit whenever he may see fit to do so without requests such as the above; he is in charge of this forum, after all. Whilst one might wonder why and how said forum does anything to your socks, it is certain that Nils is not a bra.

Anyway, back to the topic (if anyone else must)...
Best,

Alistair

Your taking this thread way to seriously 

[ahinton]

Your taking this thread way to seriously 

You must be joking!

Best,

Alistair

[pianochick93]

Your taking this thread way to seriously 

No, he's just being his normal self.

You really cant post a grammatically incorrect post and not expect him to correct it

Which is why I try and get my grammar correct...saves the trouble of someone else doing it for me.

[ahinton]

You really cant post a grammatically incorrect post and not expect him to correct it

Oh, yes you can! For example, he wrote
"Your taking this thread way to seriously".
Did I correct it to
"You're taking this thread way too seriously"?(!)

Best,

Alistair

[thalbergmad]

No, but you just have

[timothy42b]

This thread............sigh.

I don't know how to break this gently.

This thread is at the same time an exercise in futility and a demonstration of why.

First of all, you're asking piano geeks how to pick up women?  Why don't we ask pigs how to beat grandmasters at chess?  Actually we'd have better luck with the pigs, because theoretically grandmasters CAN be beaten, whereas the chance of a piano geek picking up a woman are ......  well they don't exist.  (I'm not trying to be insulting.  It's just that we have to realize our limitations.  To the extent that we are identifiable as piano geeks we CANNOT succeed at the casual pickup.  But this is a two part problem:  those of us with the least expertise of any known group are pontificating on the solution to an insolvable problem.) 

But secondly,  it isn't at first obvious why we are discussing pickup lines.  We are discussing them, even though we know nothing about them, because we need them, because as a group we get so little action. 

Strange as it may seem, there may be an answer. 

Well, there are theoretically two answers.  But one is unlikely to work.  So here's the one that might. 

Think about it, what two groups of people have more sex than they know what to do with?  (I'm talking about ordinary people now, not celebrities and superstars.)

That's right, football players and bass guitar players.

Now, athletics are out.  None of us have the genetic capability or we wouldn't be hanging out here. 

But playing bass in a rock band takes about 5 minutes practice, and a few dollars in a pawn shop.  Football players get about the same number of groupies, but they spend all that time lifting weights and smashing into each other.  Bass players just show up, turn the amp all the way up, and play.  And at the end of the night go home with whoever they want, not having had to pay for their intended's drinks. 

I will note in passing that some rock bands include a keyboard player, and they do indeed get plenty of leftovers after the bass guitar, lead guitar, and drummer have had their pick.