Tell me your drama

[pianowolfi]

Haha I misread the title of "tell me your dreams" and thought I'd open a new thread using that misread.

My current drama: I planned to register for a music academy in the summer but I'm supposed to submit a video with two works of different styles and I for my life can't get it together because my nerves strike completely and I can't play one single measure right. I am completely blocked. And I have no more energy to keep trying, and no more time since the deadline is soon and I have no more time to practice. Freaking classical repertoire. I tried so many times to get back to it but I seem completely and entirely blocked as soon as the slightest bit of pressure is on me.
So today I decided to quit trying. Screw it all. I'll go cycling and composing.

[costicina]

No, Wolfi, don't give up! Take a short but total break,  and then try again. Of course, if you are really interested in this Academia. Perhaps the problem is that you're not sure it's really what you want. Our subconscious is very shrewd 
Anyway, what pieces did you choose? Maybe the experts of thi forum can help you to neutralize you rblock, encouraging you.
Ich wunsche dir alles gut...
Marg

[littletune]

Oh Wolfi sorry about that! I hope you're ok! I hope everything will be like it's supposed to be! 

Oh I have a lot of drama!
First the piano drama! Tomorrow i have my piano lesson and I'm supposed to play three pieces well! The first one is Sonatina and I need to play it well cause I have to start learning a new Sonatina that I will be playing for my exam! Then Bach's prelude (hands separately) cause if I don't play it well we will leave it and start with something new (and I don't think I will play it well!) and then that Nocturne which I will be playing for the spring recital (on March 18! so only 2 weeks from now!!  I don't think my teacher really believes I can really learn it that fast!!!). So that's all really fun!

Then the next things is that I promised I would translate something and that was like 3 weeks ago and I only have a week now and I haven't translated almost anything yet because ... it's just not a very fun and interesting thing AT ALL!!!! because it is about...    Pain and labour    so I just can't make myself start!  and I mean I have kinda a lot of things at school too so I have no idea how I'm ever going to do that!! but i promised and I would really need some money!!! so i feel really bad!

And the worst thing is that they told us my guinea pig will need a surgery, they're not sure if it's cancer but they said something looked a little weird and besides it got pretty big so.......  I'm so scared i can't even think about it.... and I don't know how I can live through that again! I mean just half a year ago my doggy was having surgery and that day was sooooooooo scary cause we didn't know for a long time if the surgery went well or not and I said then that if there will be something like that again I want to get an ansthesia too so I won't know what's happening cause I felt like I was going crazy!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[pianowolfi]

No, Wolfi, don't give up! Take a short but total break,  and then try again. Of course, if you are really interested in this Academia. Perhaps the problem is that you're not sure it's really what you want. Our subconscious is very shrewd  
Anyway, what pieces did you choose? Maybe the experts of thi forum can help you to neutralize you rblock, encouraging you.
Ich wunsche dir alles gut...
Marg

You are nice But there's no way. Today I have decided to let it go. I think I just don't belong to "that world", I often wished I did and made many many attempts but I don't belong to it and so I can't force it to happen. It would eat me up if I'd continue insisting. And tomorrow I have to teach and all the following weeks too, and I don't have any more time to practice, and if I have time left I need it either to sleep and recover or to work on my compositorial projects. Of course I will keep practicing anyway.

[jesc]

I think I have what might resemble to a drama... Narrated from a third person perspective cause I'm quite detached from the issue.

     jesc is teaching a math subject. Most of the time he goes to the classroom with the whole lesson inside his head not needing any notes or books. Unfortunately, his students have performed badly and this made a terrible impact on his teaching. One time, jesc entered the class totally unprepared, not having read the lesson before hand he of course had the book to consult. In his mind he asks, why should I waste all that effort if the students aren't learning anything?
     Now, there's a bit of a turnaround, jesc found out that he could conduct a competent lesson without having prepared beforehand. He found out that he could read a single page in a few seconds then teach it immediately. This made jesc think, this is a bit cool, I can teach without having read the lesson in advance.
     In the end jesc went back to memorizing the lesson and delivering it without any notes and books. The reason, he made the choice to remain competent and give his best to his students in the face of disappointment.

[costicina]

I whish I an my daughter had a teacher like Jesc.....

[slane]

My father used to be a bit of a celeb. He interviewed people on the radio, and prided himself on being the only interviewer he knew who did all his own research and wrote his own questions. A big job for a daily show, but, well he's an A-type and didn't trust anyone else to do it.

One day he was interviewing Edmund Hilary and EH was lolling about, giving half hearted answers, obviously thinking he'd heard it all before. So my father laid aside his questions and looked him in the eye and kept interviewing. Suddenly EH sits up and pays attention, because now he is being real questions by someone who seems interested in the answers and is not looking at the next question on the page. Only someone who had written their own questions (or memorised them) could do that.

So jesc is doing the right thing. By laying aside the book he gives himself the chance to engage with the students, rather than the page.

[slane]

My husband thinks I'm an idiot. That's my drama.
Ever since I've stopped work he has ceased to give any credence to my opinion, as though I switched my brain off when I retired.
I spent the last two years studying german, because we travelled to germany a lot. He listened once to *both* volumes of Earworms. Everytime I'd say something in german, which he wouldn't understand, he'd turn his head sideways, raise and eyebrow and give me this "Are you sure??? That wasn't in earworms!!". And wonder why, after the 50th time he did it, I lost my temper.
Right before my exam (which I got an A for) he said "Did you know german for "to know" is wissen?"
"ummm ... yeah!"
"really? really? you knew that already?"

And now he is in Japan and guess what I'm studying this year. He hasn't even listened to earworms but I don't suppose that will stop him from knowing more Japanese than me. I told him, that japanese people use lots of cash, and he wont be able to use his credit card for things like a bowl of Udon. No no, he says Hugh (hugh's a man you see so he knows these things) says it will be OK. Well he's been there one day and he writes "You were *half* right about the cash thing, can you send me money?".
Ummm ... well I'm inclined to say "no" so he'll remember why its a good idea to listen to his wife on a subject she's been obsessing about for 2 years!

Then he asks me questions like "How can I make a phone call in Japan"
"well you'll need roaming"
"But can't I get one of those 3G dongle things on my laptop?"
"well that's still a phone connection, so you still need roaming"
"no its not, that's a satellite connection"
Right! So why did he ask me if he wouldn't believe the answer?

And then his samples for his experiment in Japan go missing, so he rings around and get samples sent from here there and everywhere. I say "You're going to be swimming in samples now, you better make sure you don't get them confused!" and when the samples start arriving he says "Its like Jason says, we'll be swimming in samples, we'd better not get them confused"
Huh? Oh well Jason a man, so you'd take what he says seriously.

NO wonder house wives become neurotic. I suppose the thing is that when I worked, other people treated me with respect, and so my husband thought my opinion was worthwhile. Now I have no 3rd party validation so he assumes I'm worthless. Well I am, because I don't earn anything.
And yes I can see that this all sound very neurotic in itself, but these are only the most recent examples of the contempt in which he holds me.

[megadodd]

Hmm that sounds bad Slane. Have you discussed how you feel about the situation with him? Have you tried a punch in the nuts?! 

[costicina]

Have you tried a punch in the nuts?!  

The latter seems a great idea ...I would give it a try, Sloane.
BTW, I'm curious about the earworms thing: are they really useful to learn the basics of a foreign language?

[rachmaninoff_forever]

My father is preparing for the end of the world so he decided to buy a bunch of end of the world stuff and he's throwing it all in the apartment!  He put five chickens in my room so I can't sleep in there because of that stupid red light that's supposed to keep them warm and all this stupid chirping!
 

That is my drama...

[Bob]

Lack of progress in practicing.  Not practicing enough.  Being stuck on a technical routine and not actually playing music.  Having things crash in practicing/not having so much control over that, although I wonder if that's just part of the process -- I come out stronger eventually.

Having things be the same from day to day to day.

Job worries.  Money worries.  Etc.  Health, relatives.

[m1469]

You are nice But there's no way. Today I have decided to let it go. I think I just don't belong to "that world", I often wished I did and made many many attempts but I don't belong to it and so I can't force it to happen. It would eat me up if I'd continue insisting. And tomorrow I have to teach and all the following weeks too, and I don't have any more time to practice, and if I have time left I need it either to sleep and recover or to work on my compositorial projects. Of course I will keep practicing anyway.

Yes, of course you have to do what is right for you, and not doing that can give us the impression of being eaten up!  Just in case, though, you can still apply later than that date, there is just an extra fee is all (as far as I understand it).

[pianowolfi]

Yes, of course you have to do what is right for you, and not doing that can give us the impression of being eaten up!  Just in case, though, you can still apply later than that date, there is just an extra fee is all (as far as I understand it).

There's another drama since yesterday, when I had a look into my bank account
But I'll come and listen

[slane]

My father is preparing for the end of the world so he decided to buy a bunch of end of the world stuff and he's throwing it all in the apartment!  He put five chickens in my room so I can't sleep in there because of that stupid red light that's supposed to keep them warm and all this stupid chirping!
 

That is my drama...

  That makes me feel better. My grandmother always said "no matter how badly off you are, there's always someone worse off than you!". Funny way of cheering yourself up but it works.

costicina: earworms are pretty good if you're travelling somewhere and need to say "Take me to the airport" "I would like <insert food or beverage> please" "MY hovercraft is full of eels" etc. but it will not teach you enough vocabulary and grammar to make a conversation.

[Bob]

I've heard a few of those Earworms CDs.  They all have the same background tracks.  And it's just speaking over that.  Kind of hypnotic.  I thought they were going to be rhymes and sayings or something in foreign languages. 

[goldentone]

Wolfi, do you think this "sabotage" could be because you have been so focused on your own work, that now that you are getting back into classical you are being blocked from it, that it has a stranglehold over you?  I remember how you have listened to very little classical since your immersion into your music so as not to disrupt your creativity.  Perhaps you just need to relax that endeavor within yourself and give yourself assurance.  You can break free from this.  

[jesc]

I whish I an my daughter had a teacher like Jesc.....

Thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately, I've decided to leave teaching for the moment. In truth, I admire people who can see the positive side of things cause it's something I don't have.

So my father laid aside his questions and looked him in the eye and kept interviewing. Suddenly EH sits up and pays attention, because now he is being real questions by someone who seems interested in the answers and is not looking at the next question on the page. Only someone who had written their own questions (or memorised them) could do that.

I can tell you're father's good at what he does even without knowing his name. It's the ability to quickly adapt. The description may be often used but it takes a certain level to actually pull it off.

*changed, wrong paragraph quoted

[pianowolfi]

Wolfi, do you think this "sabotage" could be because you have been so focused on your own work, that now that you are getting back into classical you are being blocked from it, that it has a stranglehold over you?  I remember how you have listened to very little classical since your immersion into your music so as not to disrupt your creativity.  Perhaps you just need to relax that endeavor within yourself and give yourself assurance.  You can break free from this.  

First of all, if a "drama" occurs in one's life, I think it's important to let it happen, give it the space it needs, and just accept the current state, maybe you'll "die a little death" and then have a "resurrection", or you'll renew some of your points of view. You might anyway not be able to change anything within the first hours/days, even weeks.
But then, I think, it's very important to analyze the occurrance in depth, and to leave as less as possible unclear or unresolved. The guide should always be the positive aspect. I am not done with my analysis, so I can't yet say if you are assuming right or wrong

[goldentone]

I'm just offering a possibility, Wolfi.  I don't assume to know the answer.  But I do want you to be able to play classical whenever you wish.

[pianowolfi]

At some point it will get better and things will come together. I'll keep working

[Derek]

Something vaguely similar has been happening to me over the last several months. For several years there, I feel like I was "holding out" for something to "happen" that would make me think I ought to change careers from software engineering to professional piano playing (of some kind, teaching, performing, music therapy, whatever). And, it kind of dawned on me not too long ago how far I'd really need to go to gain competance according to modern performance standards to have a career at music. It's really quite a vast distance. And would require much too much sacrifice in other parts of my life. I think programming and piano have always vied for position as "top passion" for me, and programming just won. A couple of months ago. I still love playing piano but I no longer pretend I'll ever be anything even remotely approaching virtuosic. That would take an enormous amount of effort and time, which I cannot afford to exert at this point. I enjoy my video games and programming my own games too much to sacrifice for it. But I'm really glad I learned to improvise for myself, for this can be enjoyed quite thoroughly with a tiny fraction of the technique of a virtuoso.

May not sound like drama but...accompanying this was sort of the realization that I haven't really striven hard for anything "external" my entire life. Everything I've done have been things that satisfy me internally. I never paid attention to external criteria. grades, tests, of any kind had no affect on me. Or, they made me depressed and bewlidered because I expected to do well on them with no effort but did not. (with the exception of re-taking a couple of classes, going to *every* office hour and still only getting a B or so)

I kinda realized I have "skated" this far in life without lifting a finger. I really did "screw the system" as an adviser in college once accused me of. But now that I've realized that, and other factors (beyond the scope of this post) affirmed my love of software engineering, I know what I must pour my heart and soul into for the rest of my life now. Music will always play a role in my life, but it will be diminished or I will forever be mediocre in everything instead of good at something.

That "dunning kruger" effect post that was here recently I think helped me along in these realizations. Probably a coincidence, but it was good timing anyway.

[littletune]

My mum was really sick this week, I don't even remember when was the last time she was so sick she almost couldn't even talk or get out of bed, mostly she was just sleeping for three or four days, but now she's a lot better only more tired, and I was really tired this week too, and I don't know if it was because my body was fighting some viruses too or because I had to do some of the things that my mum usually does at home.
The vet said my guinea pig needs surgery as soon as possible because the lump keeps getting bigger!!  so she has surgery on Monday! 
Yesterday our next door neighbour complained about my piano playing!! He said that sometimes it's soooo lound he can't stand it!        how is that possible??? not even my parents hear me play if they're not standing next to my room?? I am always playing with the quiet pedal now!!! I don't even ever play without it anymore!! and i wish I could and I think I would have to, but I don't cause of the stupid neighbours!!!!!!!!!!!! and some days I don't even pracitice at all on my piano just on my keyboard, with my headphones... and even when I do I almost never practice more than an hour, usually less!!!!!!!!!! and I never practice pieces that i'm still very bad at, i only go practice them on my piano when I can play them kind of ok (without repeating same parts over and over again), and even though I play with the quiet pedal I try playing as quietly as I can even when I should play some parts loudly and then my teacher is always saying how I should play louder... and I changed the hour so he can watch the news... and my dad was talking to him a few months ago and he said he usued to hear me play but now he doesn't.... and I didn't change anything, I'm playing with the quiet pedal all the time!!!! cause it makes me nervous when I don't!!!! and now he says it's sometimes soooo loud it's unbearable  what? what? my mum says there are so many crazy and mean people in this building that it's really weird! I covered my piano with a blanket now, but I can't lift the piano of course to put something under it... we're thinking of moving my piano, and we're thinking of moving my room (that I would get the room on the other side of our apartment), and we're also thinking about moving away!!! but we can't do any of these things so quickly, and I have a recital next week!!! and then I have to start practicing my exam pieces!!!!!!!.............

[williampiano]

My current drama:

I have to go to my Certificate of Merit playing exam in a few hours, but one of my pieces isn't memorized yet (they all have to be memorized if I want to branch honors). So, I'm going to have to spend the next few hours trying to memorize it. Wish me luck!

[Bob]

Ouch.  Good luck.

[costicina]

Good luck, William!!!!! Let's know how it went...

[pianowolfi]

My mum was really sick this week, I don't even remember when was the last time she was so sick she almost couldn't even talk or get out of bed, mostly she was just sleeping for three or four days, but now she's a lot better only more tired, and I was really tired this week too, and I don't know if it was because my body was fighting some viruses too or because I had to do some of the things that my mum usually does at home.
The vet said my guinea pig needs surgery as soon as possible because the lump keeps getting bigger!!   so she has surgery on Monday!  
Yesterday our next door neighbour complained about my piano playing!! He said that sometimes it's soooo lound he can't stand it!         how is that possible??? not even my parents hear me play if they're not standing next to my room?? I am always playing with the quiet pedal now!!! I don't even ever play without it anymore!! and i wish I could and I think I would have to, but I don't cause of the stupid neighbours!!!!!!!!!!!! and some days I don't even pracitice at all on my piano just on my keyboard, with my headphones... and even when I do I almost never practice more than an hour, usually less!!!!!!!!!! and I never practice pieces that i'm still very bad at, i only go practice them on my piano when I can play them kind of ok (without repeating same parts over and over again), and even though I play with the quiet pedal I try playing as quietly as I can even when I should play some parts loudly and then my teacher is always saying how I should play louder... and I changed the hour so he can watch the news... and my dad was talking to him a few months ago and he said he usued to hear me play but now he doesn't.... and I didn't change anything, I'm playing with the quiet pedal all the time!!!! cause it makes me nervous when I don't!!!! and now he says it's sometimes soooo loud it's unbearable   what? what? my mum says there are so many crazy and mean people in this building that it's really weird! I covered my piano with a blanket now, but I can't lift the piano of course to put something under it... we're thinking of moving my piano, and we're thinking of moving my room (that I would get the room on the other side of our apartment), and we're also thinking about moving away!!! but we can't do any of these things so quickly, and I have a recital next week!!! and then I have to start practicing my exam pieces!!!!!!!.............

Unfortunately the more you give way to this sort of people, the more they'll drag you down and after all they'll erase you from the earth alltogether, if you don't serve them as a slave, doing everything they request from you. Whatever you do to reduce your "noise", it will never ever be enough. If you sell your piano and buy a digital, they will still complain about the "noise". If you turn to the other side while you sleep they will still complain about the noise. There is only ONE chance, if you want to stay where you are: stand up, tell them it's about them to respect YOU, and that it's about them to shut up, not about you!
It's time to stand up and tell THEM that they have to respect you!

[costicina]

Sadly, your mum is right, Littletune, there many crazy and mean people non only in your building, but in the world at large....
Don't be so upset, and do what Wolfi suggested you: music is stronger than meanness!!!!

[williampiano]

Ouch.  Good luck.

Good luck, William!!!!! Let's know how it went...

Thank you!
I just got back from the playing exam a little while ago, and I would say I did alright. The piece that I had been working on memorizing this morning (Bartok Rondo no. 2) didn't go to well, because I messed up on the memory in a few spots. But other than that, I played the rest of my pieces pretty well!   

[db05]

Oh dear. Lots of drama this year.

I quit college for good. That's after I voiced my apprehensions about schooling to my doc, though I didn't expect her to suggest not applying this year. I was relieved but at the same time, I knew I was taking a huge risk. I did fairly well in college. I got good grades. It's the environment and the whole idea of earning a diploma to get a boring job that got me crazy enough to need a doctor.

I guess my life was turned 180 degrees ever since I met my guitar teacher. I could not tolerate the traditional way of living anymore. Going to school had nothing to do with learning, as opposed to learning music. Music was practical. You could see and hear for yourself if you studied. And when you learned something, you felt good. It might be difficult, but at least a musician didn't hate learning. Same for artists and athletes, and other people who dared to do their own thing.

I'm good in academics, but it's not what I like to do. I love music, but I have no natural talent for it. Four years of guitar and two years of piano have taught me that I'm below average to average at best...

After that session, it began to dawn on me that, oh noes, now I have to start from scratch.
I need to get a piano.
I need to get a teacher.
I need to get a job.
I need to get my act together.
And I need to get over my piano phobia.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear... what if I'm already scarred for life (I hear deep frustrations can do that to a person)?

[emill]

My husband thinks I'm an idiot. That's my drama.
Ever since I've stopped work he has ceased to give any credence to my opinion, as though I switched my brain off when I retired. x x x . . . .

Hello Slane ,

I don't know, but I can feel some degree of contempt on your part for men in general and for your husband in particular.  Of course you can't be blamed, after all he treats you and your opinions as near worthless! But may I venture an opinion ... I do not think your husband's poor attitude towards you is entirely dependent on how you project yourself to him (worthless after retirement??) but rather stems to a greater degree from his family and ancestry (now surely I am guessing ) .

I am a believer in "tell me who your parents and relatives are and I will tell you who you are".
Although the opinions of psychiatrists have been swinging in both extremes over the decades, the prevailing view, if one can assign an objective percentage on influence, is that genetics dictates as much as 70% of behavior. Environment, education, upbringing only modifies, masks, alters..etc.. to a certain extent what the genetic code has permanently embeded in our "SELF".
Maybe in the family or ancestry of your husband they have a lot of "machos" ... those who respect authority only if the person manifests strength/worthiness .... physically, intellectually or economically.  Once those are gone ... then pppffftttt.... there goes respect.  

In our family .... as far as I can remember way back to the time of my great grandmother and great grandaunties... and to the hundreds of relatives thereafter, I have not seen a domineering male...  all of us have been content to be led by AMAZONS!!!!   ...  no kidding!!!! 
Coincidence.. NO..... GENETICS....yes!!!   . .. ..  but really your situation is unpleasant and has the potential to lead to worse things .... maybe a "heart to heart talk with your husband" is the 1st order of business.   GOOD LUCK ... wish you well..

[emill]

Oh dear. Lots of drama this year.

I quit college for good. That's after I voiced my apprehensions about schooling to my doc, though I didn't expect her to suggest not applying this year. I was relieved but at the same time, I knew I was taking a huge risk. I did fairly well in college. I got good grades. It's the environment and the whole idea of earning a diploma to get a boring job that got me crazy enough to need a doctor.

I'm good in academics, but it's not what I like to do. I love music, but I have no natural talent for it. Four years of guitar and two years of piano have taught me that I'm below average to average at best...

After that session, it began to dawn on me that, oh noes, now I have to start from scratch.
I need to get a piano.
I need to get a teacher.
I need to get a job.
I need to get my act together.
And I need to get over my piano phobia.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear... what if I'm already scarred for life (I hear deep frustrations can do that to a person)?

"I did fairly well in College" ..... the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year as I know very well you have a brilliant mind and could easily make it in math/engineering, the languages/literature or economics if you had your heart into it. Sometimes it is a burden being too intelligent! Looking at and into the make/meaning of life and things ... the molecules ... the atoms .... the electrons ... the nitty-grittys ... these just complicates everything when all one has to do is just eat the fruit, take it for what it is and "enjoy" life at ones level.  Of course easier said than done.....

It often boils down to biochemical balance. The correct mix of dopamine ... serotonin .... norepinephrine etc. . in the brain ...  can make or break happiness and sanity. hehehe  And to make it worse ... doctors guess a lot .... a hit or miss thing.  

It seems that the sure thing that inspires you now and even before is music .... go for it and do not look back!!! If you feel you do not fit into the structured world.... then so be it .... do not consume yourself with guilt ... strive to be happy with music.  GOOD luck.

 

[jesc]

Sometimes it is a burden being too intelligent!

I don't think this burden will exist anymore as the internet matures further. It's knowing the right place where you belong. A simple gifted child may find intelligence to be a burden when surrounded by the wrong people. You place that child in an environment where he/she belongs and everything will be fine.

When I first taught, teaching everything memorized, my students were surprised. However, from the university I came from, that was commonplace. While I was teaching math, I was skipping many lines of equations because I was doing them in my head. The students in the school I was asked to teach in couldn't keep up. Again, skipping multiple lines of equations by doing it mentally was commonplace in the university I came from. The students were expected to keep up. It was then that I knew I was in the wrong place.

Most would succumb to pride and let it get to their heads but I knew, I was just in the wrong place and what I was doing, while perceived by many as supposedly "genius" was mundane in another university. This can apply to other things chess, painting, writing and... piano.

At this day and age, one can choose a subject and surely find someone in the world who knows more about it than you do. And most importantly, you can probably talk to that person! Even the celebrated Marilyn Vos Savant (highest IQ) misunderstood common mathematical concepts regarding Andrew Wile's proof of Fermat's last theorem. She was forced to retract her argument.

I don't think anyone can be too intelligent as the world gets smaller. You will always find a community where your knowledge, abilities will feel in place. However, I think a person can become too wise for the world    Okay, this is a dead giveaway, I value experience/wisdom more than intelligence.

[birba]

I think my slump is becoming permanent.  It doesn't even bother me anymore.  Practise?!  Who needs it?  It might have to do with this elctronic keyboard I'm using.  God, how do people play on those things?  There's absolutely NO creative sound to work with.  It's like painting to numbers.  Things might change when I get back to Italy, I don't know.  I begin to think like Bob was saying, you get bogged down in practising and forget about playing.  You really have to set aside time for just running through your repertoire.  And boy do I have the repertoire to run through.  But do I?  No.  It's sick.  I think it's because if you have nothing to prepare or work for, it's very difficult to do it just for the it's own sake.  At least for me.  Maybe I'm a phony musician.  Maybe I've been fooling myself all these year.  Maybe....

[johnmar78]

Bir, I feel sorry for you, that you are using digital piano, if there is no "creative in sound" at least you can achieve your pp to f . I got one too, but its setting in my parents place for my mum to use as a spare even she got another real upright.
Life is short, therefore we try to be as active as WE can beofre battery runs flat.

[candlelightpiano]

I think my slump is becoming permanent.  It doesn't even bother me anymore.  Practise?!  Who needs it?  It might have to do with this elctronic keyboard I'm using.  God, how do people play on those things?  There's absolutely NO creative sound to work with.  It's like painting to numbers.  Things might change when I get back to Italy, I don't know.  I begin to think like Bob was saying, you get bogged down in practising and forget about playing.  You really have to set aside time for just running through your repertoire.  And boy do I have the repertoire to run through.  But do I?  No.  It's sick.  I think it's because if you have nothing to prepare or work for, it's very difficult to do it just for the it's own sake.  At least for me.  Maybe I'm a phony musician.  Maybe I've been fooling myself all these year.  Maybe....

Birba, I hope your slump is only temporary.  I don't think it's the keyboard because you were playing so beautifully on it. You completed the Appasionata in less than a month and it sounded brilliant on that keyboard, something only you could do!  Everything you play sounds beautiful and it doesn't matter what you play on.  I thought you were preparing the Appasionata for a recital this year? You're the best musician I've ever "met" and the most inspiring. Why don't you just enjoy playing through some of your favorite pieces? Perhaps that will break the slump. Well, you'll be home soon and your grand piano awaits your return and so do we.

[costicina]

The digital keyboard has sure a role in your crisis, Birba.
But I can understand that for a high level pro like you is frustrating to play only for himself, or for  the circle of friends. It's infernally difficult to make a career out of piano playing. No matter how good you are, even in this field  "marketing" is essential. If you don't have a good agent is tough 

But what about teaching? Why don't you organize something like a cycle of masterclasses? This, too,  would be a way to gain visibility. Many great pianists do it, and since you are an excellent teacher, it could be very rewarding...

[thalbergmad]

Still cannot make my mind up about what banjo to buy next.

Likely to be a Vegavox IV, a Bacon & Day Silverbell or a Fender Concert Tone. They are all lovely, but trying to come to a decision is painful.

Thal

[emill]

Maybe I'm a phony musician.  Maybe I've been fooling myself all these year.  Maybe....

If this planet were full of phony musicians your caliber then this world will be filled with beautiful music.     Slumps happen all the time especially when one turns 60 and older ... perhaps to a certain extent it might be lowered testosterone secretions for males..  Don't dwell on it too much ... it is part of life and ageing...hehhee  (btw, I am 62)

XXX . . . It's infernally difficult to make a career out of piano playing. No matter how good you are, even in this field  "marketing" is essential. If you don't have a good agent is tough  

Music requires so much of yourself ... even your soul .... yet the returns are meager.  What will be your advice if you had a son like ENZO who is so focused and determined to make a career out of music... that is why we save and scrimp to generate enough to send him abroad.  

[costicina]

Emill, Enzo deserves every sacrifice, he will reward you plenty, he is already rewarding you. I'm a mother, and I really think that having a son like Enzo is a blessing, not only because he's so talented, but above all because he has a noble passio, he's ready to work hard and to do sacrifices to attain his goal, and his playing denote a beautiful, beautiful soul.....

[db05]

"I did fairly well in College" ..... the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year as I know very well you have a brilliant mind... Sometimes it is a burden being too intelligent!

Who told you I am intelligent? That person is a liar 

I am a believer in "tell me who your parents and relatives are and I will tell you who you are".
Although the opinions of psychiatrists have been swinging in both extremes over the decades, the prevailing view, if one can assign an objective percentage on influence, is that genetics dictates as much as 70% of behavior.

First it's genetics...

It often boils down to biochemical balance. The correct mix of dopamine ... serotonin .... norepinephrine etc. . in the brain ...  can make or break happiness and sanity. hehehe   And to make it worse ... doctors guess a lot .... a hit or miss thing. 

... then it's biochemistry. People can venture a guess at your line of work now. 

In a way, it's all in the mind. It's all PERCEPTION.

I agree with jesc, with the internet and everything getting faster and more global, there would be more ease, more options and therefore, better solutions to problems. What I hope for is more tolerance from everyone, since people don't evolve as quickly as technology. One shouldn't need to hide or run away from the world.

Intelligence is not my problem (Why should that be a problem?). Lack of creative talent is. I've always been curious about teachers and teaching. It seems the most brilliant people have trouble teaching to less endowed students. Does that mean they have to limit their services? I sure hope not. I would not have learned half as much if I didn't stray too far from what I could understand immediately, and I benefited from meeting intelligent people too. Although I did bother some a lot (sorry about that).

But... when all the learning is done, and I realize that I'm that farther away from "normal", well, that makes me sad. How I wish I could share knowledge, beauty and love with everyone else! And so I tend to aim backwards. Like a big fraction - simplify, simplify, simplify...

I think my slump is becoming permanent...It might have to do with this elctronic keyboard I'm using.  God, how do people play on those things?  There's absolutely NO creative sound to work with... I think it's because if you have nothing to prepare or work for, it's very difficult to do it just for the it's own sake... Maybe I'm a phony musician.  Maybe I've been fooling myself all these year.  Maybe....

Oh dear. Cannot help but feeling for you. If you feel like a phony musician, I'm a caricature of a phony phony musician. But you know... SO WHAT? Do what you want, what you really want. For you. Not because you have to work for something. "Something" has to work for you too.

Creativity does not depend on the instrument. You can play piano with two pencils. Draw on the back on business cards. Write a story in six words. I have a digital keyboard, the little kind that lights up. It has no dynamics, no pedal. If I'm bored with the pseudo-piano sound, I switch to harpsichord. And find out I'd have to change my playing to suit it. Maybe I should do organ next, haha. I'll make the most out of it until I can get a piano with dynamic possibilities.

You are free to do what you want... if it takes a break before you find your passion for piano again, take a couple days off and HAVE FUN. The piano can sense if you're not happy in your life.

Music requires so much of yourself ... even your soul .... yet the returns are meager.  What will be your advice if you had a son like ENZO who is so focused and determined to make a career out of music... that is why we save and scrimp to generate enough to send him abroad. 

I don't quite agree... music does reward you, and love does not equal sacrifice.

Enzo is still quite young. It is possible that he would end up sending himself abroad in his own way. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't think of a career until I'm an adult. It seems Enzo loves music purely, with a childlike passion (judging from the few vids I watched)... and I cringe of the thought of him getting corrupted by the professional world.

Don't be sad... *pats* Tell you what, I'll donate a million when I get super rich. 

[scottmcc]

oy!  that's a lot of moping about for one thread.  my apologies for not reading it all, it got to be a bit much.  anyway, I wanted to send my encouragement to birba and pianowolfi most of all, as i'm most familiar with your playing.  both of you are fine musicians, and for the truly untalented amateurs out there like myself, you are both sources of inspiration.  quite simply i'd kill to have my best day even come close to your slump days.  so while I know that it's common for any of us to fall into a funk, I hope that you can both slip out of them soon!  and for the many other drama-havers on this thread, don't take my not mentioning you by name as a sign of disrespect.  you should also transcend your drama. 

[pianowolfi]

Thanks scottmcc! At least in my case I must admit, I am sometimes a bit of a "drama king"  But this time I actually managed to pull myself together and to do the videos and the application. Of course now I hope I will get into the program and I'll make sure that I am as well prepared as possible!

[costicina]

Bravo Wolfi!!! I'm glad that you did it at last, I'm sure it'll be a rewarding experience for you 

[emill]

Hi db05!

Yes your genes (from your relatives and ancestry) determine your unique mix of neurochemicals in your brain which in turn effects emotions and moods.... it is not perception nor is it "all in the mind" .... it is very real!   You can love your hate with the proper mix of neurochemicals and hormones without him lifting a finger to attract you.  Yes it is that fearsome ... the power of the genes.  We are taught that aggression and timidity are just slight differences in the genetic sequencing. My...my... now the delves into the aspect of "free will" and predetermination.  tsk...tsk...tsk...

[ted]

I had some drama last Saturday and no mistake. Somebody drove at high speed into my son's car, hitting squarely on the driver's side door. His seat was pushed halfway into the car. Some bystanders pulled him out the passenger side door and called the ambulance. I spent all night with him in the emergency department. He was very, very lucky to have escaped with bruising and mild concussion.

The thing I find unfathomable is that he is now worrying flat out about money - will he have to pay a fine, will he have to pay for damages of any sort, how much will the tow truck people charge, will it interfere with planned future trips and activities ? Matters which necessarily take time to settle and which will be uncertain for some time yet, and in any case he has a good job. I cannot seem to get it across that he was literally a couple of inches from death or crippling injury.

This incident just brought home to me in graphic fashion something which has been going wrong for the last thirty years, in this country anyway. Money is getting far too damned important to everybody and is not being put in its proper perspective, either in the individual mind or in society in general.

[costicina]

Ted, being a mother myself I can understand the anguish you suffered...I'm so glad for you that your son escaped unhamerd from the incident.....

As for the money issue,I feel so much like you!!!! Money rules our lives, with its gross arrogance...
But the thing for which is worth living lie beyond  it's supposed power.

[flyinfingers]

So sorry to hear about that.  At least you son is okay, right?  If he's hit in the driver's door, then why would he be fined?  Don't you have insurance to take care of that to go after the offending party?  Hope you're all doing okay!

[ted]

Thank you both for your concern. Yes, he is okay physically, aside from bruising, and the doctor has cleared him to return to work. Yes, he is fully insured. There are many ways of being hit on the drivers side and being technically at fault. In this case, it may be difficult to prove exactly what happened, and such is largely the job of the police. I don't quite understand it myself, but I am told that being judged at fault, even only in part, might affect the claim. Never having had much to do with insurance claims, I really don't know.

I guess it's just that had it been me these things would have paled into insignificance compared to my extraordinary luck in being alive and escaping serious injury. Money isn't unimportant, but for me, beyond moderation and a sensible concern, it's quite a long way down life's list of priorities. In this respect, as I get older, I am finding myself at odds with the social ethos which surrounds me. My son is almost thirty, and of course has as much right to his values as I have to mine. I don't doubt many people would react that way, I just find it strange personally, that's all. It is of no major implication between us and I am just glad he is still with us.

[db05]

Yes your genes (from your relatives and ancestry) determine your unique mix of neurochemicals in your brain which in turn effects emotions and moods.... it is not perception nor is it "all in the mind" .... it is very real!   You can love your hate with the proper mix of neurochemicals and hormones without him lifting a finger to attract you.  Yes it is that fearsome ... the power of the genes.  We are taught that aggression and timidity are just slight differences in the genetic sequencing. My...my... now the delves into the aspect of "free will" and predetermination.  tsk...tsk...tsk...

If that is true, then I must have been switched at birth... I have nothing in common with my family. No amount of neurochemicals will make me any similar to them. I don't hate them in the conventional sense, but I do "regret" not being born into the right mix.

I said nothing about predetermination - I don't have an opinion to that yet.